BY no means am I always right or know what to do. However, I will tell you what I would do in your situation and what I know to be the most honest and helpful advice that I can give.
Thanks for asking,
Honestymatters
Gender: Female
Location: Las Vegas Nevada
Occupation: Office Administration/Single MOM
Age: 31
Member Since: October 29, 2005
Answers: 72
Last Update: November 16, 2005
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Hey guys. I'm sorry if this is kind of long, but I have something on my mind that is REALLY bothering me, and I really need help on it ASAP! I rate high, so PLEASE help me.
Ever since eighth grade, my mom has been impossible at times. I remember the summer that I was going into eighth grade. It was the first time that I ever really started to communicate with guys because i go to an all girls school. so, i was about twelve or thirteen when I first started meeting guys, going to parties, and all that stuff. well, i really really liked this guy named JC. I was like in love with him. And he liked me too. But, my mother was so overprotective, that that whenever I was talking to him, she would sit next to me on AIM and told me everything I had to tell him. And she would sit next to me while I was on the phone and she had to hear everything that was going on. She never let me tell him that I liked him. And guess what? the boy lost interest and to this day I cry myself to sleep because that was my first love and my mother never let me even talk to him. Therefore, him and his best friend say that I talk like an old lady all thanks to her.
Time passed by and my heart was healed my new love, Rafael. Rafael healed me and I healed him. He has been like a blessing to me. I love him so much. but, now i am in high school. my mother should be giving me more priveledges and space and privacy. But, she sits by me even when I talk to Rafael. So, Rafael sends me a music video and he told me just to listen to the words of the song. So, I did. and the words were very sweet. But, the video had some material in it that my mother did not like. It had like contrivercial things in our society. and it wasnt evey like sex or anything like that. It was like weird people. so, anyways, she took it very personally and made me tell Rafael that I did not want to have anything to do with that. And now, when I told her that she should let me make my own decisions and that I want to be with Rafael and she should just let me do what I want, she says that I am crazy and that I have no dignity and self respect. I told Rafael that I didn't like the video and he said that he was sorry for it, but my mom is so overprotective of me!
And another thing that she does is that whenever I tell her something, she always has to tell like the entire world. She tells my grandmother, my aunt, and she even tells the hairdresser! and then she tells me not to tell my best friend since like 8 years anything about whatever.
I've already tried talking to her and it doesn't work. SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP ME!!!! TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!! PLEASEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!! I'VE ALREADY TRIED TALKING TO HER! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE HELP!
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You said you have already tried talking to her about this, so that won't work. I agree with what the other advicentators are saying. Stop talking to your mother, about certain things though. Don't stop talking to her completely, she will probably tighten her reins on you if you do that.
Start talking more to your grandmother, aunt, and even the hairdresser about things she doesn't want them to know about.
They have no clue, she is probably making things out to be worse than they are. I bet your mom over exaggerates things when talking to them, or leaves things out, like how she treats you.
The best you can do, is be honest with them and tell them everything. When she confronts you about talking to them, just ask her "How does it feel when someone you thought you could trust blabs about you?" "Doesn't feel very good when people know everything you do, does it?."
Your mom is overbearing because she probably has nothing better to do with her own time. She is not happy unless she is making someone else miserable. Her self esteem is probably quite low also. I am sure she thinks that she's protecting you from evil things. I had the same kind of mom when I was growing up. It wasn't until I was seventeen that I was allowed to go anywhere without her.
Warn your boyfriend that your mom supervises everything you do. Let him know that when you are sounding like an old hag that she is right next to you. Your mom is going to be like this for a long time and because you are not eighteen yet, the only thing that you can do is make the best of it.
You could make an adventure out of your situation. A secret love in secret code. You could come up with a code that would let him know you love him, and are thinking of him. Something silly like, "My size sevens are killing me!" And he will know this is code for "I can't wait to see you." (You insert your shoe size in there and even rub your feet while your saying it.) Your mom will have no reason to believe you mean anything else.
Have fun with it, give her a dose of her own medicine. When she is on the phone sit next to her and try to run her conversation. Just do what she does to you. This might get the point across. Try to run her life the way she does yours. When she says butt out or comments on your behavior, just throw it in her face that it is exactly how you feel about her.
I am really sorry about what you are going through. It is clear that she is not letting you be a teenager or yourself. She is living through you and it is torture, I know, I have been there. Just keep reminding your friends and boyfriends that your mother is very strict and runs every aspect of your life. They will understand what you are going through and will be your friends instead of thinking you are the uptight wind bag.
Invite friends over for dinner or something and tell her you have invited them and if she makes you univite them you will tell everyone one of her secrets (or whatever she doesn't want anyone to know about). When she doesn't let your friends over, call a family relative she talks to and blab away. If you can't call them, then go see them, or tell them the next time you see them.
Just remember everything you say to them will get back to your mom. Conviction of your intentions is the only way to prove you want things to change. Just start treating her the way she treats you and tell her, DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU. Let her know that if she wants to be treated with respect and privacy, she needs to treat you like that too.
I hope that I have helped you even a little. Remember not to leave your secret code laying around for her to find. Otherwise she will know exactly what you are saying.
Good Luck
Sincerely,
Honestymatters
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