Q: okay this is kind of embarassing, and it may seem like i`m worrying over nothing .. but i need help in figuring this out.
All my life i`ve been scared of being alone with guys for some reason.. and ive always had this HUGE fear of getting raped by guys and stuff...like i get petrified if i have to be alone in a car with a man i don't know.. and im also terrified of getting locked into rooms which is also kind of weird..
another thing, when i was ELEVEN years old, i had a girl doctor, and all she did was stick her hands up my shirt for a physical, and i mean it was no big deal, but i started BALLING MY EYES OUT, saying "you didnt ask me first!" and stuff, and i mean i could understand myself just getting a little pissed, but i was crying and everything, and i felt so violated and used, and i dont know why because it wasnt a big deal at all!
I`ve always questioned myself like if i was raped or touched in my past somehow.. but it never added up ,i mean my mom wouldnt ever do that, and my dad is AWESOME and he`s really protective so it wasnt him, and i have no siblings...so i just brushed it off...its so weird though like i have this weird obsessive feeling inside me that something happened to me as a kid, which is why i react to things the way i do now..
Well, recently my dad said to me "Did anything weird to you happend when you were at Montessory Pre-school ?" and i said "I dont remember, why?" and he said "Because a long time ago on the news when you were 4 we had to take you out of that school, they closed it because something weird was going on there..like someone was doing sexual things to the kids" and when he said that i just thought to myself "holy shit, i wonder if thats why im like this.. i wonder if that happened to me" but i just asked him "well what else happened" and he said "they dont really know, they just closed and the woman went out of town.. something weird was going on in there though, and they all of a sudden closed"
So.. I was just thinking to myself.. is there a possiblity that maybe i was one of the kids who got touched in weird ways? and even though i dont remember it..could it still be affecting my life now? like if something like that happens to you as a child.. can you conciously feel it sort-of even if you dont remember it?
please help me, i feel so confused.
