ask karenR

read advice get advice make favorite read feedback advicenators

I have gone from younggrandma to just yg. Now,
I am using my real name.
I don't think anyone who knows me will have trouble figuring out who that is!

I have been gone a while dealing with things in my own life. I am back now to help once again. Do not expect answers from me that just tell you what you want to hear. Life is to short for nonsense. :)
Website: advicenators forum
Gender: Female
Location: KANSAS
Occupation: Homemaker,EMT, ER worker, Medical assistant
Member Since: March 4, 2005
Answers: 10037
Last Update: April 23, 2015
Visitors: 488478

Favorite Columnists


My family is in a tough situation.
My mom has been drinking since I was in 8th grade. It was never this bad though. Before, she would always drink and get drunk but it'd only last a few weeks until my dad made her throw it out.
Then eventually she'll start hiding it.
But now, she is drunk all day and all night for about 5 months. I left for college in another state though.
As of right now, she's been living with this other man, cheating on my dad. She's there because that guy will give her all the alcohol she wants. My dad is mad of course, but they've been married for 20 years and he loves her and cares about her and wants to help her. She's a really good lady but it's the drinking that screwed her up.
Whenever she's here, she lies all the time and just picks fights with my dad. She is still living in the past, bringing up things that happened along time ago but is no longer a problem.
Even my aunt came over and my mom was bringing up things when they were kids that bothered her.
So there are many things she has been holding onto.
My younger brother, he's 16, he's in juvi right now for running away, stealing a car, drunk driving, hit and run. She blames him for her drinking. But when things were ok with him, she was still doing it.

So obviously, if she wanted to get help, she would but she doesn't want it. She told us she knows she has a problem but she can fix it herself.
She was looking up videos to stop but she said she doesn't have enough will power.

I'm not going back to college this semester so that I can stay with my dad.

He's planning on moving so that my mom can get away from this guy because right now, that's the only way she can drink and so my brother can get away from the drugs and his friends here. But right now, we're looking to help her.

We've tried an intervention type thing but that didn't work. Some other family members have talked to her too.
She won't go to rehab and she used to go to some AA meetings but that didn't work.
I know she has to want it but there has to be something else we can do.
I can't just be patient because it's been going on for too long. She needs help or she can die.
Someone told me about hypnosis. That would cost about 1,200 if it works. We would just have to convince her to go.
My dad found some CDs online and saw good reviews.

The thing is, she needs real help and me and my dad don't know what can work.
If you know anyone who has been like this and know what helped them please let me know.
I know other people who were alcoholics but they were never this bad. No one I know has ever been in a situation like this.
Thanks for the help! (link)
Before your Dad decides to up and move away you both and any siblings need to get yourself to an
AL ANON meeting. I have taken some classes on
this and believe me, moving and putting a halt on your lives will NOT help.

If you move she will find some other way to drink. If she even went with you in the first place. Alcoholism is tough to kick. The average person will go to rehab & AA meeting 3 or 4 times before they fall far enough to hit rock bottom & take the help. IF they are lucky.

She cannot fix it herself. If she could she would have done so by now. What you & your family need to do is learn to live without guilt about HER problem. Don't put your lives on hold. Just try a meeting or two. Meet people living with the same problem. It will help you all.

im 17 female almost 18
and im head over heels for this guy, david. him and me just work so well he is like my bestie who i can kiss and be a absolute moron with and he thinks it cute. we have been unofficially dating for over 6 months. i want to date him but he has really bad depression.. so we have been taking it slow. im now doubting if its a good idea to go into a relationship purely cause he still isnt sure its a good idea.. but i dont want to lose him and i couldnt just be friends with him.
ideas? (link)
Why can't you be friends with him? Just curious. :)

If you both are having doubts, and it sounds like you are, listen to your instincts. As was said before me depression can be very difficult to live with. Not only for the sufferer but for the partner as well. My hubby has it and before he got help with it I walked on egg shells & had stress like you wouldn't believe waiting for the next explosion.

Stay friends if you want, but I really think you should follow your instincts. At least for now.

okay i'm currently 16 I turn 17 in july

I really love my bf and he telling alot of people thagt he believes
i'm the perfect girl he is too 16 almost 17.he tells me that he is ready to settle down and that he wants to get married and have a kid.I really love him alot and yes he does smoke weed and cigarette and yes my parents know he does.he is a really good guy but something is holding me back he is a bit controlling like he gets mad if I talk about other guys and if I go a full two days J seeing him he threatens to take his own life and then he says that we need to runaway and get married idk I love him and always will it's just thode two things that's hurting me (link)
To answer your topic question, I don't think you are. Its not you necessarily, its mostly the guy who thinks he is ready to marry and have kids.

You are a bit young yet. But, threatening to kill himself & being controlling are immature to say the least.

I think you know all this already. If you have to question it, its not right for you. Who knows what might change in the future, but right now is not the time.

Hiii my boobs hurt when I wake up but when I wear a bra it doesn't actually hurt that much? (link)
Maybe you are laying on them crooked. :)

If wearing a bra helps & you don't mind sleeping with it on, do that. Sore boobs are no fun.

20/f Its like this - I'm a a 20 years old, and i have nothing to show for it. I don't have any work history, the only completed schooling that I have is a high school diploma, but that's it. It's hard to find a job, I mean well I'm not a people person, so even thinking of being a cashier, waitress, etc. makes my skin crawl, and no its, not that i hate people, its what i think they will think of me. I rarely go outside, and most of the time when i do do its night time. Sometimes its a struggle for me just to get out of the bed, my old doctor prescribed me zoloft, i informed that it wasn't working, he just up the dosage to 75mg (which is still not working), i know I'm diagnosed with depression, but he never informed on what type. Sometimes I cry myself to sleep at night, sometimes i feel very agitated. i feel like a FAILURE. I want to do more with my life, i WANT to successful, but its like i can't. I've been out of school going on 3 years and i haven't accomplished anything, all of my friends are in college or working or both, living their lives, and im doing nothing. Walking to the post office from my house which is like 500 feet away seems like a journey. I barely even talk to any of my friends anymore, i barely talk to anyone anymore, I feel like I've slowly fallen off the face of the earth and no one cares. i really want to go to job corps (trade school) but its almost like college, where you go and live on campus, and im almost terrified to go because of all the people, i keep trying to tell myself it could be good, but idk i just feel scared. does anyone else have a problem similar to this or knows anyone who does? any thoughts acnd comments will be helpful. thank you in advance (link)
Well, you are only 20 so a big work history isn't

You need to keep seeing your doctor until you get your meds right. It sometimes takes a while. You are NOT a failure & you can get better. I understand you want to get out in the world & get a job & all. Be patient. Call that doctor & make an appointment.

I know several people who have done the job corps thing & really enjoyed it. Once you get your meds right I think you should go for it!

okay so this isnt really a sex question but when I had a bf, I got REALLY wet just making out! I want it to stop. I know some people say its a good thing andgys like it but I dont. I have tried pantyliner's and It doesnt work to provent it. This is really embarrassing but I get wet through my pants and I want it to stop. Please help if there is anyway! Thanks in advance. Oh and I am only 16 and have only made out and it was that bad just doing that. thanks again (link)
What you are going through sounds pretty extreme.
I would suggest you talk to your mom about it and set up an appointment with a doctor. You shouldn't have to deal with the problem on your own.

Is it ok if you don't have your period for 5 months but you don't have sex ever and it's you first period (link)
Yes its OK. It takes some time for it to get regular & all. It shouldn't be long before that happens. :)

How do I stop my period after its started (link)
You can't. It would be nice if we could but mother nature won't let us.

I found out my live in boyfriend has been having an affair. When I confronted him about it he admitted to it and said his mistress is married. I have since found out that she is not married (and never was).Why would he lie to me about her being married? What difference would it make if she was or wasn't married? (link)
I'm with Razhie. What difference does it make?

He is a liar. He is cheating on you & lying again about that relationship. You need to talk. You can mend this relationship, but NOT if he is going to continue to lie. Have it out with him.

It's been almost two weeks and the suspense is killing me!!!.... I'm pretty young and I am not able to go get a pregnancy test... So I'm here wondering if their is a home thing that I can do without my parents finding out????... I really need this so I can get it officially off my mind (link)
No. I'm sorry to say there is no home test without going to the store and buying one.

The only free home test is if you don't have your period. It isn't real reliable because stressing about it can cause you not to have your period. If you miss more than one its probably a sure thing you are.

Did he use a condom? If he did the chances go down a lot. From here on out if he doesn't have a condom, don't have sex with him. If he can't afford a condom, he can't afford you and a baby.

Play safe & be responsible always.

I went through a divorce, lost my house and family, bankruptcy and lost my job all within the last year. I have been diagnosed with clinical depression. I am suicidal most days but haven't attempted yet. What do I do? I have been through lots of therapy also. I don't really want to die, just want pain to stop. Help me please. (link)
It sounds like you have the right to be depressed for sure. Thats a lot of crap to go through in such a short period of time.

I know you are probably sick or hearing &thinking this, but it takes time. The best way for you to get over it all and back into the swing of things is to keep busy.

Find a new job. Any job will do at first. Just find something to occupy your time and to feed you. Keep your eyes open for new opportunity's but do any job you can find for now.

Divorce is hard to get over. When the time is right get out there and have fun with people your age. Don't worry about a serious relationship for a while, but just get out of the house & have fun.

Keep busy for now. Keep in touch with your doctor. If he/she has you on meds & you don't feel they are helping, make an appointment and discuss it.

I'm sorry for what you have been through. It really is just going to take time to get over it all. Keep busy & good luck.

I have a bad sore throat it hurts every time I sallow. Also I get a sharp pain in my ears. I have no fever or any other symptoms. I have taken some medicine to see if it will go away but it doesn't. Do I need to have my tosils removed? (link)
You need to see a doctor if you haven't already. If you have step throat you will have to take an antibiotic to make it go away.

I doubt they will remove your tonsils unless
your sore throat becomes chronic. I had mine removed as a child because of chronic ear aches.
Now, they just don't remove them like they used to.
They consider it if you have had several problems in a short period of time only.

Feel better soon.

we got together when i was 15(yes 15,we were together for 3 yrs,got married and divorced after 9mths.stayed divorced for 18 mths,i did my thing,he did his,but he always wanted me back it was me that said no,i did terrible things but he accepted it and now 15 yrs later hes bringing it up,& i dont remember alot of the things that happened back then,& he keeps insisting i just dont want to tell him.plz give me some advice (link)
Tell him you don't remember. It was a long time ago and it no longer matters. Why the sudden curiosity?
I'd be asking him that. If it were me, I would say either trust me or hit the road because he is basically calling you a liar.

Ok I have a boyfriend who is in jail and we have a 1 yr old together. And lately he has been asking me question's that have alot to do with cheating or when was the last time I talked to a guy on the phone stuff of that nature. And he had recently made a comment of how he is the same person and has changed as well as making a comment of when he come home and a guy call my phone he would hate for our son to his mother get the fuck smacked out of her. This is making me just wanna like call it quits and run for the hills, because I refuse to introduce this type of life to my son. I have seen and been throw it before. HELP WHAT SHOULD I DO? (link)
Go with your instincts. Call it quits & head for the hills. DO NOT look back either. Keep on going.

Sounds to me as if he plans to spend his life behind bars. Not even out yet and already threatening you. Follow your instincts and just stay clear away from this guy. No more contact.
Do whats best for you and your child.

I'm 15 and a girl. I masterbate almost every night. Is it bad? My parents don't know I do but I'm always scared of getting caught. (link)
You are perfectly normal. You are not bad.
No need for your parents to know (unless you just want to discuss it with them).

Getting caught is always a possibility. Always lock the door.

Can you get arrested or filed as a sex offender if caught having sex inside your car In california? (link)
I suppose you could. More than likely you would just get a ticket. You could be charged with
open lewdness, disorderly conduct, public nudity etc.

I doubt you would be considered a sex offender unless you were having sex with an underage person.

Well okay.. i was dating this guy 4 over a year. V belonged 2 different religions 2 begin with.. and he had lots of other issues. I thought i was in love and i was blind 2 some extent.. But he was into me madly. When things weren't working I tried 2 ditch him which resulted in him cutting himself.. I met another guy.. fell actually in love and moved on.. But his mom died and i left him within 6 months of that mishap. Somewhere down i feel guilty as he is still no over me. Should I apologize ?? :( (link)
His problem. Just move on. It doesn't matter how or when or for what reason a relationship ends. Someone won't be ready or the end & someone will be feeling guilty.

Don't apologize & don't have contact with him. He will never move on himself if you don't.

Hi this is a quick question.

me and my boyfriend are planning a family, he already has a child with a woman who he never see's because of the mother and whose tried to split us up numerous times. He knows I'm not fond of the thought he has a child (I've never met him and don't want to either that's not the issue.)

The issue is well there's two.
One: I'm worried he'll always compare our child to his, as in I've read lots of comments from parents saying nobody could ever give them the feeling their first born did, the other kids had to earn the affection and that thought tears me apart since it'd be my first child and then the other thing I think is since he rarely gets to see the other kid it would have a lot more meaning to him when he does, while the child we have who he would see everyday might seem so much more trivial... ontop of everything else theres a huge questionmark over whether the first is even his since they look nothing like each other and the ex slept around alot and was sleeping around when it would of been concieved

The other question I need is we have a clash of oppinion. his first kid has his name as a middle name and he told me if we had a son he'd want our son to also have that name. I feel like that's taking the piss though, parden my french, my child will be mine I don't want them to have any association with the other one at all especially not to share a name! I think he'll take that the wrong way but as I have brothers myself, my eldest got the privilege of having my dads name, and in my eyes that's what it is, a privilege that another has already gotten. If you could maybe help me find a way to explain this feeling to him it would be greatly appreciated as I don't think I've said anything wrong in my opinion. and no comments about how horrible I am to dislike a child, that's my own feelings and we already talked that one through, he's fine with it. (link)
Well...You will just have to rate me bad because quite frankly this relationship is doomed from the get go.

He already has a child. You do not have to like that child, but it is his. YOU may be able to just write his already existing kid off, but if he is a good guy, he will not. If you think about it, would you really want a man who could? If you do not accept that child, you will one day be history.

He may go along with not seeing his child right now, but one day he will want that child in his life & will see you as part of the reason he doesn't. If you want a man who is good to you and your children, help him be part of his first child's life weather you like the child or not.

Parents don't tend to favor one child over another. Comparing them to each other though just happens. Not in a negative way, just as in one is not as good at sports as another, or one is better in music etc.

Since he doesn't often see his first child, of course when he does it will be special. Can't help but be. Another reason that child should be a part of his everyday life. If there is doubt of the child's paternity, the sooner he finds out the truth the better.

I think the way you explained the name thing was fine. I would tell him just that way. I don't think I would rush into having kids until you resolve all issues with the first child. They won't go away and will cause you problems down the road. If you are looking for a long term relationship, do it right from the start.

Best of luck.

ok,i am 13 in my class loads of people are in a relationship. im what you could say a black sheep,i dont hang out in a huge group i move about. I get called a lezbian cus i am a tomboy and i dont have a boyfriend,kinda unfair. I'm not classed as ugly i got offered places at child modeling studios and what not but i just can't get a boyfriend the boys i did have crushes on all said no when i gathered the courage to ask them out. please hel, any advice on what to do?? (link)
Keep in mind that 13 year old boys tend to be a bit immature. You are going to have to be patient. Stop worrying about getting a boyfriend and just try to make friends with them. If you are a tomboy it should be pretty easy. You probably have a lot in common with most of them.

Is it the boys or the jealous girls who are doing the name calling? I am gonna just guess it is the girls. Ignore them. They are jealous because they know the guys they like could be attracted to you one day soon.

So, just try to be friends. Once you stop worrying about it, it will happen before you know it!

I'm sorry if this is long or conceded. I used to have an awesome life. I was overweight from about 2000 to 2006. In late January 2006, during my senior year of high school, I had noticed that I had gained weight over Christmas, so I started counting calories and lost about 30-35 pounds or so by the time I started college. I loved my new body, had more confidence than ever, got hit on by guys more, got a lot of compliments, and all of my friends and family were proud of me, which was awesome. Long story short, I gained a little back in 2008 and quite a bit more in late 2009. I'm not here to make excuses for myself, but counting calories hasn't worked for me like it used to and nothing else has been effective. I try not to, but sometimes I really, really hate myself for reaching my high school weight again. I've already asked a relative to go on a diet with me after new years, but I don't think I can forgive myself for the past few years. Then, the other night at a grocery store, a guy oinked at me and even though I got mad at first, I got over it almost immediately by telling myself that I deserved it and when I think about jokes people made about me in high school, I don't get mad because I say I deserved that as well. I don't deserve any better because I had a good body and screwed it up. Is this normal? (link)
Well people do feel they deserve a lot of things that they don't. Women stay with men who abuse them because they somehow feel they deserve it. So what you are feeling isn't unusual.

What you have to get through your head is that people come in all different sizes. If you want to lose weight then you can try. The main thing is what weight do you feel comfortable at? Your main goal is just to feel good about yourself.

There are some rude people out there. I have heard them treat skinny girls just as rudely.
They are just mean people. You do not deserve to be treated that way at all. hard as it is ignore those types.

The best way to lose weight is just to try to eat healthy. Start walking more. My personal secret is stay away from anything that says "diet" on it. The aspartame in there will actually cause you to gain weight.Once you lose weight you will just become more active. That will help a lot too.

Best of luck to you.

read advice get advice make favorite read feedback advicenators

<<< Previous Advice Column
Next Advice Column >>>

eXTReMe Tracker