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Location: New Zealand
Member Since: April 13, 2011
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Last Update: May 2, 2011
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I really can't handle my mom. Like, I really can't. She use to be my BEST friend, but now she's like crazy. I stayed home while going to the university. It's been 2 years now, which means I have 2 years left. I've been thinking of transferring to another university, because I feel like my mom isn't letting me live. She doesn't respect my schoolwork or academics. She doesn't understand all the work I have to do. She doesn't congratulate me on my grades. She's extremely jealous. Every time I have a date or I'm out with a friend, she gets super jealous, texts me every five minutes, asks me when I'm coming home. If I'm with a guy, she'll call me constantly. She always wants to drop me off and pick me up, whether it's a date or whether I'm going to a nightclub. If I'm at the library, she's worried about the time she has to pick me up when I just got there. It's really too much already. I feel like I'm going to lose my patience and flush my phone down the toilet. Some things are out of love, and I understand that. But, it's become an unhealthy obsession. She goes out and buys me like $200 worth of clothes, when she knows I needed that money to buy books and she didn't let me use it. She thinks I'm like this barbie. Right now, I just want to get away from her. She's annoying me SO much! But... here's the issue. My university is my home. It's where my friends are. It's where everything is. I'm involved in 8 organizations at school. She's not even proud of that because they don't pay me any money for it. But... I just got awarded like this special thing to do for next semester. It's kind of hard to explain if you don't come here, but it's an honor. I don't know if I should just leave everything I've worked so hard here for. Then, transferring all those credits. I may have to repeat courses if they don't transfer and all of that. I'm already here. I could just work really hard and try to graduate fast so I can move out of the house. Even if I were working, I still wouldn't be able to move out because I live in an expensive city. My only way out is either finish fast and leave to another university. I love my school. I wouldn't want to leave just because she's annoying me, but it has crossed my mind because I just don't think I can handle it anymore.

Please help! (link)

I think staying at your school is great, but something needs to happen with your mum!

It sounds like she is getting very clingy as she is scared of losing you.

I think you need to tell her that she is suffocating you and that whilst you love her very much, her behaviours are unhealthy and sometimes just plain wrong! And that you need to set some boundaries and she has to follow them, as you are really wanting to live peacefully with her. Let her know that if she can't agree to these terms that you are seriously considering moving out to have your adult freedom, and that would mean moving out of town as it is cheaper.

I am pretty sure that will help her get her act together.

She may need some good support to get through this, so if she doesn't seem to have any, see if you can find some for her. A womens group of some sort? A coffee group, knitting group, any kind of interest group where she can make some friends, discuss her feelings if need be, or just plain forget about you and start having some of her own fun! It sounds like she really needs some healthy distractions.

Apparently a lot of people her age go through a freaky empty nest thing, where they can either embrace it, grow and have a great time, or sort of sink into a black hole. Help your mum not to sink.

I would love to hear how you get on! Please leave a comment, or even better, write another question through my column (ask bewise a question) so I can answer you back!


I'm 12 years old and my younger brother is basically 11. My mom has to spend days reminding him to do stuff like dishes or laundry but he never gets in trouble. My mom said if he didn't do the dishes on a certain day he wouldn't get his Ps2 right, he doesn't do it and the day after he gets it. Me, she told me to clean my room in an hour she never said when I had to start doing it and if I would get punished, after I do my home work(which takes an hour) my mom comes in and says, "Not done? No T.V. for a week." I clean my room after and nope, nothing I'm still T.V. free. Another example, there's no swearing in our house. I call Ethan a "dumbo" 'cause he's got big ears and I get my art rights taken away. He calls me a F---ing F--- and my mom says,"Don't say that to your sister. I'd get it if he was like maybe 4 or 5 years younger but this is too much. (link)
It does sound from what you are saying like he is definately favoured.

Favouritism does happen, but it doesnt' make it right. As your mum behaves in these ways, she might get a massive shock if you 'talk' to her about it, as it is unexpected and puts her on the spot. So how about writing her a letter and giving it to her just before you go to bed. I recommend doing something nice to go along with the letter, like making her a card that says how much you love her and why, or drawing her a cool picture, or making something like a cool photo frame with a picture of her, or your and her in it.

There are 5 different ways that people feel loved, and if you find her way and make her feel loved more, then she should warm up to you a bit as well.

The ways people feel loved are:

physical touch, like she would like a cuddle, a massage, having her hair played with, etc.

kind words, like I love you and you are so nice because of how you do all these great things, etc. The words can either be written down, or spoken.

acts of service, like doing things that she would like done, to make her life easier. You have to be clever with this one. Try doing her chores to give her a rest, and let her know you are doing them to give her a break, like making her bed, drying the dishes, making her breakfast, clean the toilet or sweep the floor. Be imaginative. Pick the thing she doesn't really like doing.

gifts, So a nice card, some picked flowers, a picture. They don't need to have cost money, and in fact, as a mum I can say that the things that you do that don't cost money are actually extra special.

time, so just spending time with your mum, doing things she likes. Does she like going for a walk? Ask her if she would like to go on one with you. Does she like playing cards? Offer to play with her. Even doing the dishes together is spending time together.
(sometimes mums need time by themselves to get refreshed too, so if this is the case, be kind, and try the other love languages)

You could also ask her to write you a short list of things that IF you did them, it would show her that you love her. You don't have to do them, but IF you do, she will see the love.

You can give her a list of your own, saying that IF she did these things on your list that you would then feel her love too.

I also recommend asking your mum to write on a piece of paper (and pin it up somewhere for everyone to see) a list of things that you and your brother do wrong, and their consequences. Because you are so close in age, they should be the same for both of you.

for example, if one of you is rude to the other, then you have to do their chores for the day.

If you complain about doing their chores (or any chores in fact) then you get extra chores too!

Your mum needs to set consequences for things done wrong and follow straight away, and the same for both of you.

You can let her know that by her not doing that it feels like she doesn't love you as much as your brother, and also that it is unfair. You can let her know that you would like the chart with consequences and that she needs to follow through. Tell her that it will make her life easier and nicer as their will be less fighting between you and your brother, and that if you know the consequences you would want to try and do the right thing anyway.

Please write back and let us know what you do!
You can leave a comment in my box, or if you want me to answer back again (which I like to do) you can go to my column (bewise) and ask me another question/just tell me how things are going, and i will reply.

I hope it goes well for you!

I really appreciate you giving me your input on my problem I have. everybody tells me that they don't think that iam mentally retarded they think that I was mis diagnosed as a child. How do I go about getting retested and seing if my iq has gotten any better since I was in middle school? (link)
Hi, I am glad you wrote back! Thanks!

I think it must be hard for you as you know you are better than the 'results' which were from so long ago, and imagine if they gave you someone elses results by mistake! You certainly don't sound retarded by the way you write your emails.

Also, I don't think your mum is helping at all. She sounds like she has serious 'issues' because anyone who is in a normal healthy place wouldn't be treating you the way she does!

Try getting your own doctor and asking them to make an appointment with a psychologist for you. They are the ones who do the IQ testing. I think if you can get your own doctor it would be good for privacy reasons, unless you can completely be sure that the doctor you have will not tell your mum (unless you want her to know of course).

You can try and find a psychologist who specialises in intellectual disabilities, as they will recognise if you have issues by talking with you as they have seen so many people before you. Also if you don't like them or don't think what they say is true, the get a second opinion, or a third!

Which city do you live in? If you let me know I will go for a search on the internet to find a psychologist to recommend to you, so it is easy for you, if you would like.

I am in New Zealand, so if you are somewhere really big like America, you better put which State you are in as well. Our country is very modern, but just a lot smaller.

Talk Soon!

Okay, so My mom is thinking of moving to northdakota which Days away from where i live...And i am MADLY in love with my best guy friend which he lives across the street and we use to date like back in february then i broke up with him cause my mom doesnt like him ...and so he comes play around our porch in my mom is at work or something.. we hang out alot and my mom doesnt even know that i have been inside his house three times..(but me and him didnt do anything innappropiate, we just played video games and stuff) anyways, she is thinking about moving this summer and we only lived here for about a years and a couple of months...and my best guy friend already was sad cause his best guy friend moved.. and so i am like his only best friend that is still in his neighborhood..and i know that i will never find a guy like him literally i had moved from 8 states and not once have i met a guy like there any way i can convince my mom to stay here..and they really need to be good reasons..? please help me! i am female age: 13
Trust me on this.

You will meet many more guys who make you feel the same way. MANY!

They won't be exactly the same as him, but they will have good qualities that he doesn't have as well.

Your relationship is important with your mom. Try to be closer to her and get on her side and enjoy the move.

If he is meant to be your 'one', then you will meet again and still hit it off and get married.

That is unless you have met one of North Dakota's fabulous guys and they have got to you first!

Iam a 22 year old female and my mom is always putting me down and bringing up things in the past that have happened to me beyond my control and nothing was my fault such as my father molesting me when I was 3 when we get into fights she will say things like you had an asshole for a dad. I mean I know what my dad did was wrong but I don't think my mom has the right to throw that in my face especially since I was just a toddler when it happened and how could I stop him I mean he was 45 and I was 3 would have been 4 a week later. She also throws it in my face that I have a mind of an 11 year old which is said that I mentally retarded and she also has papers on me which declared me to be mentally encomptent so please don't suggest moving out becouse by law I can't unless have someone esle that will let me move in and of course I don't my mom is the only person I have left to take care of me unles I go to my sisters house in texas and I can't even do that becouse I have to have my mom's permission and I know that it would be out of the question. I have another problem if i would move to texas to live with my sister I wouldn't have anyone to be over my social security check becouse she has one to and I don't think she can be over my check if she has on. please tell me what to do any advice is greatly appreciated . one more thing she is always telling me that iam fat,stupid,and ugly and I just can't seem to get her to stop and i've tried talking to her about it and it dosn't help and againg any advice is greatly apreciated. (link)
Hi there,

Yes your mom is really out of line, and should not be treating you like she is.

It is actually abuse, so you could talk to your doctor or the police. If they don't listen, don't stop trying to find someone who will listen to you and believe you and who will help you to find somewhere else to live.

You may find a special residence with others who are in a similar situation as you. These homes often have carer's who can help with money and things like shopping, trips out, cooking, and other things that you may have not find easy.

Whether you have high intelligence or low intelligence, you should not have to put up with someone being so mean to you. It is like she is trapping you in an awful situation.

You are able to get out. You can live with people who will treat you well.

Keep talking to people like professional health workers, maybe people who deal with intellectual disabilities, or people who deal with abused people.

It IS abuse, even if she doesn't hit you. She is abusing your mind, and your rights.

Please seek help, and please email me back with another question or a comment so I know how you are, and can help further.

God Bless you!

My son's face and lips and head swell up when he goes outside. I'm thinking about building him a bubble, what do you make those out of? Also how do I get him to stop crying about being a "bubble-boy"? (link)
Don't build him a bubble! That was a movie. You could kill him as it wouldn't have fresh oxygen in there.

Maybe it's the UV light that does it? Go to a doctor or paediatrician immediately!

long story short.

im 20, have a 10 month old daughter, her father lives with me and my parents. when we get along we are best friends, when we fight he says terrible things. you could basically compare our life to an eminem song. mainly love the way you lie, because it has gotten physical. on xmas, my stepdad threatend BD (babydaddy) because he was sick of him taking advantage of this situation, he has not worked in 7 months, doesnt help and sleeps like all of the time. that gave BD more power than he needed because afterwards he played the if you love me you wouldnt let him do that card. i said fine and kept our daughter from my parents for a month. on valentines day i ended up calling the police on him for getting violent again, my family ended up finding out. after 2 weeks i let him come home and everything has been cool except one night my brother came in and beat him up at 2 in the morning. i yelled at my brother and havent spoken to him since. everything has been going somewhat smooth until yesterday when he accused me of talking to my brother behind his back (which i wasnt even aware i wasnt allowed to talk to him) he the proceeded to tell me i have to tell my brother hes not allowed at our family functions and my daughter is never allowed to be at my stepdads family functions if im not there. (those people are basically my family) I told him that im not going to keep her from any of my family and he doesnt have to be around them but im not keeping her away. he says this means i dont love him and we ended up getting in a bad fight and he brought up the something from my past (my brother innapropriatley pretended to do things to me when i was 10, he didnt actually do anything but he made me very uncomfortable) so BD said that i need to go fuck my brother and have a threesome with my stepdad and brother and kept yelling at me about how i was molested and liked it and saying terrible things. He tryed to leave "forever" and I freaked, begging him not to go. he raised his fist once but didnt hit me, but did leave marks on my forearms from moving me and now today my arm is in serious pain. i dno if its from that tho. after valentines day i swore i wouldnt listen to it anymore and i wouldnt feel it anymore. i have so much hope for us. counseling created more problems because the counseler was an idiot and told me that i need to let him sleep all day because i cant control him...which gave him the power again. i dont kno what to do, he wants to move out next week...i want to get out of my moms and live this life with him and our daughter and be happy but that means agreeing to distance frommy family who will ALWAYs have my back and be there for me. i love him to pieces and i dk how i would even leave him after 4 years. he refuses to put a ring on my finger and in our fights he will tell me its my fault for being such a dumb cunt. i know i make him out to be terrible, but at times he can be the sweetest. and it would kill me for him to go meet another woman, who he loves, treats right and takes care of. it would make me feel like it really was me that is wrong. i just dont know how to handle this any more, things were going alright until yesterday and i cant even concentrate with out tearing up. our friends want us to work it out, and they know our history and they know we are also best friends and deeply in love but i just dont know... (link)
Hi, I really feel like I have to write to you.

You may not realise it, but you are in a seriously abusive relationship.

I know you love him, and you have hopes for what you would like him to be like, and how nice it could be, but your boyfriend has a SERIOUS anger/abuse problem. You do need to leave him. this is for your safety and for the safety of your daughter.

It is also because, even though you will have to get over not having him around, it will be better for you in the long run, and for your daughter, because of the peace and consistancy it will bring to your life.

Having a person treat you like that is horrible. Your daughter is witnessing it, and every month that she grows, she will become more and more clever, intuitive, and scared. If you stay with him she will learn that that is how guys treat women, so when she is older if a guy is horrible to her, she won't go because it will seem 'normal', like that is just what happens in relationships. That is not what just happens in a healthy relationship. You are being seriously abused.

Another very obvious sign of the abuse is how he is trying to get you away from your family.

Your family sound kind and lovely. Your BD sounds abusive and like he wants all the power. He doesn't want them around, because they can empower you to live a better life. He wants you around to use as a doormat. He wants to be the big man, and needs someone under him to kick around and treat like shit, to feel better. That is not a place for you to be as a mom. You absolutely must get out. If you don't, it is like you are committing a crime against your daughter by not giving her a proper healthy life.

Guys with anger work in a cycle that just goes on and on and happens over and over. It won't stop. When he is sweet, you give him another chance, because you think 'Oh this time he means it, he is sincere, he wants to change, he loves us...' Then the cycle happens, where he starts getting annoying, and then it gets bigger and he gets abusive and explodes. Then it's quiet and he goes nice for a while, then it builds up again and he explodes. Over and over it goes. It doesn't stop.

The only way for you to stop it is to end your relationship, in one clean step.

Get some professional legal help, to set up a specific written agreement that states when he can have access to your daughter, and what the conditions are around that. such as, he doesn't get to have her at his house, he can take her to the playground. He is too dangerous to keep her alone.

Stick close to your family. They really love you. You can tell this because they dont abuse you. They try and take care of you, which is what your brother was doing when he beat up BD. He was showing BD that the way he treats you is not okay. It is good your brother loves you.

Keep your parents close to you. Don't try to please him by pushing them away. They love you the way you love your daughter. Imagine what you would do if when your daughter was grown up, you knew she was with a guy who was violent. It would make you sick, scared and sad all at the same time.

What he is doing is wrong to try and keep you away from them. He is manipulating you into doing stuff to please him, but have you noticed he is never pleased. He wants you to be his doormat, even if his words don't say it, his actions have a million times over.



You will feel upset. That you will get over. Please take care of your daughter! Having no dad around is a hundred thousand times better than having an abusive dad there.

You deserve better too.


I would involve the police too. Don't tell BD your plans, just get it all organised first, or he will manipulate you again.

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