Member Since:June 18, 2009
Last Update:March 10, 2014
General Sex Questions
aboutThe object of my column will be to help you help yourself by pointing you in the right direction if I can or by supplying you with WEB resources you can use that will help you find the answers your looking for.
Could you tell me if it is legal to find our from a doctors exam, if my daughter is still a virgin? We live in Wisconsin and unsure if there is a a legal way to find out.
If your daughter is over the age of 14 federal law give her total medical confidentiality over her reproductive system. By law no doctor can or will share that portion of her medical information with you.
Mother can no longer be in the exam room with their daughter during a female examination. Parents cannot force any medical exam or procedures on their daughters related to their reproductive systems once they reaches age 14. This is federal law.
It may seem as if the government is promoting promiscuity; they are not. This law insures that young adults have access to proper medical care for their reproductive system, especially in situations they may be too embarrassed to talk with their parents about.
Just for your knowledge. The only thing a doctor could tell you if they were allowed to, which they are not is if your daughters Hymen is intact. Todays active teenagers can rupture or tear there Hymen and still be virgins. Tampon usage by teenage girls, masturbation and fingering by boys rupture many young ladies Hymens. As does vigorous sports and gymnastic activities.
Todays definition of a female virgin is: Someone who vagina has not been penetrated by a male penis. This is something a doctor could not know by examination. The ultimate answer to your question is; even if it were legal for a doctor to examine your daughter at your request. The doctor could not give you a definitive answer to your question.
My mom cant work right now so I have been doing everything for the passed eight months. I used to work two jobs and walk two hours each day at one a.m. because of how late the other job was. I would get home at about three thirty and sleep a couple hours to get to my second job which started at seven. I did all this so we could make rent and bills and groceries. Im 21the now. Dying to go to school. A month ago I dropped both jobs because I was feeling overwhelmed. Mymom does help with the utilities. So when I lost my job rent was coming due and I told her we were going to be short. Instead she was worried about paying off a friend she owed. I found out she has a bit of money saved away. It hurt me so much because Im giving up everything. My last penny whiles shes clinging on to her stash in the account. My brother was the one who ended up helping me make the rent. I just dont get it. And then she tells me that if she were in a position ti work she would never quit her job knowing that there were other people depending on it. I just feel like shes so ungreatful. Ive done so much already and it means nothing. I already found another job. But Im just shocked that my own mother would rather watch me drown and pawn my laptop and do so much while she has the ability to at least try and lighten the load. Am i overreacting? Shes going to be able to start working soon but just not yet. I just want to know if im being stupid or not for feeling this way. Im 21 by the way.
No I don't think your being selfish or stupid. The one being selfish is mom. You don't say why mom can't work. If she is sick or temporarily disabled there are funds such as Social security disability that are available to apply for. If qualified they would pay up to 66 2/3 of what she was earning for the deration of her disability. There is in many states unemployment insurance she could have applied for while disabled an unable to work. Was she aware of this and did she try to obtain this help for herself. There was also the possibility that she had short term disability insurance through her last employer. If she did she may still be able to apply for that.
IF mom knew of this assistance but did not avail herself of them because she may have felt they were charity... Then she was not only selfish she was being stubborn. These programs are programs you and she pay into as part of your payroll taxes they are not charity you earn them.
You were being very unselfish by giving up your own needs and desires to care for your mother and provide for her. For her to allow you to possible harm yourself with the schedule you kept was very wrong of her when she had funds to help herself.
Just what does a child owe their parents? To my mind absolutely nothing; there is an old Indian saying that it takes an entire village to raise a child. The village expects nothing in return from that child except to become a full participating, law abiding member of that village. The same view can be held of a family.
Children do not ask to be born. When they come into this world they are totally dependent on those who brought them in to this world for all their needs until they are old enough to make their own way in the world. Must children repay their parents for all they do for their children; legally no. Morally is another question. Should a child make themselves sick, bankrupt themselves or in any other way harm themselves to provide for their parents out of moral obligation. No especially if that parent won't help themselves and avail themselves of what is out there to help themselves.
You do not say if mom did or did not apply for the services that would have helped her and allowed you to fill in just what she was short if any. Which hopefully would have allowed you to continue with school?
I think it is admiral of you to do what you have done. Now that you know that mom has funs to care for herself and that she has literally taken advantage of you it is time to cut her off. This will do two things. First and foremost it will allow you to get back to leading your own life which you are certainly entitled too. Second it will push mom to get back to work rather than stretch things out further than may be required. Also it will force her to spend the money she has not spent which forced you to work two jobs.
If your living with your mother; move out. Find a roommate and rent an apartment or find a room you can rent. Once you are out of moms' house you are no longer obligated to pay anything for living at home.
No you are not stupid or selfish. I believe you are being taken advantage of and it is time to force it to stop.
what would you do if your underage daughter got pregnant after having consensual sex with a boy?
Considering the liberal views my wife and I have on sex and what we would have told her about birth control and would have provided for her. I would at first be very upset that she allowed herself to get pregnant in the first place. The one thing we would have emphasized is that the boy always wear a condom for her own protection against disease. After calming down we would then sit down and discuss with her who the father of the child is and bring him and his family into the conversation though emphasizing any decision was strictly my daughters.
If she were 14 years of age or older my wife and I by law would have no say as to what she decides. At 14 years of age and older a Federal Law called HIPPA gives her medical confidentiality over her reproductive system. This would include what to do if she got pregnant. All my wife and I could do is support and counsel her as to what to do. In the end it would be her decision. Should she chose to keep the baby I would have my lawyer execute the proper paperwork with the courts to see to it that the father and his parents, until he is 18, provide the financial responsibility the father of the child is required to under the law.
I believe any parents would be upset to find that their underage daughter is pregnant. That news is probably the second worst news a parent can receive. I also believe that most parents will calm down and come to terms with the reality of the situation and do what is best for their daughter. Many parents may not like the fact that there is a law that limits what demands they can place on their daughter. It is the law and they will have to live with it as no court will overturn it.
If you are writing because you are pregnant and under age? Please tell your parents now so you can start making the decisions you need to make and getting the health care you need should you decide to keep the child or at least see the pregnancy through to the birth of the child and then give the child up for adoption, then you want to have a healthy baby. A healthy baby starts with proper medical care during pregnancy.
Be prepared for a full range of emotions from your parents. The one thing that won't happen is you will not lose your parents love because you are pregnant.
My dad keeps blaming me for things around the house that he is actually doing. He yells at me for these things and I can't tell him that he's actually at fault because he'll just deny it.
Sometimes I think that he does it on purpose. For example, a couple days ago, my mom griped at him for leaving the pantry door open which let dogs get into the trash. My dad denied doing it and told he to talk to me. However, when I went to bed the previous night, the pantry door was closed. When I got up that morning, it was open and trash was everywhere. It HAD to be him and he blamed me for it.
Sometimes I think he does it on accident. Like tonight, he jumped down my throat for getting food all over his new recliner, but I can't remember ever spilling food on his recliner and he's a real pig and eats in it every night.
This may not sound like a big deal, but my dad can lose his temper and get crazy over anything. He can be down right scary and I can't wait until I can move out. Also, I resent when he tells my mom that I dis something that he knows he did.
You can't tell him that he's the one doing wrong because he won't believe you. He acts like he's perfect and everyone else is at fault for everything that goes wrong. What should I do?
I'm sorry you have to suffer this way. I know this is no consolation but I could have written this letter for your dad and mine are exactly alike. My dad never accepted blame and never apologized at least to me and my sister. If we did not apologize to him then we got the silent treatment until we did.
With someone like this there is nothing you can do about it. This is a character fault he has built around a depression he suffers from. Depression is something hard for the sufferer to realize they are suffering for . Literally they are normal and everyone else is not. They will never ask for help or accept the fact they need help until they themselves realize the y need help. My father was this way until the day he died.
The best advice I can offer is to try and stay out of the line of fire until you can go off to college or move out on your own. Even then you can expect that he will try to blame things on you or someone you may love. My father did with my wife. Well it backfired on him, I wrote him out of my life and did not speak to him for the last 12 years of his life. Hopefully this will not happen to you.
I will recommend one thing. Depression is hereditary, my sister and I both have suffered with clinical depression and have been told it is related to the fact that our father suffers from it. You need to guard against falling into the trap of becoming depressed by informing your family doctors that depression is in your family and you should be screened for it on a regular basis.
The screening is harmless just a series of questions you answer truthfully and with the first thoughts that come to mind. Based on your answers the doctor can make a diagnosis. This screening can be done during your annual physical.
If things get too bad at home talk to a trusted teacher at school. There are things they can do through the school to help.
I'm sorry I couldn't be more help but there is really nothing you can do but to stay out of the line of fire. He has to ask for help.
I was out to dinner with a friend from work and his 9-year-old son. I've known the man for 2 years and this was the first time I'd sat down with his son for a long period of time (by the way, I don't know what the situation is with the mother and believe it or not I haven't asked in 2 years). Anyways, the kid was a jolly little man. Precocious, very respectful, he knew how to engage with adults. After dinner, they both (his son insisted) invited me to the house for a late night drink/chit-chat. I had nothing to do the next day so I followed them over for the hell of it. After about 10 minutes, dad suggested that his son go to bed to which he replied the following: "can we do a bath first?" The WE in that sentence is what initially struck me as odd. The conversation continued something like this: Dad: "I don't think so tonight kiddo, we have company" Son: "Please? I can't ever sleep if you don't give me a bath." So now I knew the dad GAVE his 9-year-old son a bath every night. Being a self described reasonable person I thought "maybe he's a little old for that, but I guess it's not unheard of." So the dad says "I can't just leave our guest down here alone," to which the boy replied "she can come with." I was taken aback by this, and the dad looked at me and after a moment said "Would you mind?" Not really knowing what to say, I replied with "whatever makes him happy." The kid shot me a smile and the father told him to go upstairs and turn the water on and that we'd be up in one minute. He complied, and once he was out of earshot I was humorously asked "you don't mind seeing my kid naked, do you?" I replied "no," and that was an honest answer. He was an (overly?) innocent 9-year-old kid, what did I care? After all, we were all guys. However, I couldn't hold myself back. I asked "But can't he just do it himself? He's 9 after all." The dad replied "He can, but he always has preferred me to do it. I guess he just likes the company, and it's a nice time to bond and talk about the day." All seemed well to me, so I shrugged and ascended the steps. I'll add this: when I was growing up washing was a private thing at a very early age, so this was new to me. We got to the bathroom, the tub was running half full and this cherubic little being was waiting for us. I took an empty chair and watched. Father says "alright kiddo, arms up". The shirt came off, then the jeans, and finally his shorts. He picked his naked son up and put him in the tub, telling him to soak for a bit. I didn't let it show, but I was astonished. This kid had no modesty at all, I was a total stranger! It was half odd, half cute. The soap was then brought out and the washing began. He started with his hair, and eventually told him to stand up so he could wash his body. All while this was happening we were striking up normal conversation, asking him about school, his friends, teasing him about girls, whatever. His father was lathering soap on him head to toe, back and front. I noticed that he skipped the penis on the way down. Naturally, when he got to his feet I felt that was the end of it. Then, my main problematic incident occurred. He went back up and with his hands, washed his son's penis. It wasn't any different from the rest, it's just that I've always thought that was a no-touch area. But the kid didn't even blink! In fact, he was mid sentence when it happened and he didn't bat an eye! It lasted maybe 5 seconds, so it wasn't excessive. However, it really caught me by surprise. To conclude things, he picked up and dunked his son under the water (to the colossal amusement of the child I might add), took him out and dried him off. We brought him to his room and got his pajamas on. His dad kissed him good night, they said "I love you" to each other and we went downstairs, talked for about an hour longer before I went home. This overall was a strange, new experience for me. I don't think I've ever seen a father and son get along that well first of all, and of course the whole bath time at age 9 was strange to me while seemingly all in good fun. But the only part of it that really bothers me is the dad touching his son's penis. I mean, is he molesting his son when he does that even if the son doesn't care and it only lasts a couple seconds? Would any of you consider that to be sexual abuse?
This is not child abuse. Neither is it normal for a nine year old to be bathed by his father. The lack of modest is not really a bad thing though given what is going on in the world to day the child needs to be made aware. That being said there is information missing that could cause me to say differently about what is normal or may be necessary.
Obviously the mother is not in the picture. Why not and how long ago she left the picture is missing. How much of a trauma was suffered by the boy because of the missing mother? Needs to be answered. Yes the child was well mannered that does not leave out other disabilities that might effect him. It could be the reason the mother is not in the picture.
All of these questions need answers before you decide what is normal as apposed to required. If you are a close enough friend to this person you might try to find out the answers to these questions before you decide if family services need be contacted.
I am a 27 year old mother to a 5 year old boy, a 3 year old girl and a 1 year old girl. My entire life I have always wanted a family. I can't remember a time when I wasn't excited to have babies of my own. I was the kid who babysat for free because I just enjoyed being around babies and kids so much.
I also enjoyed babysitting because it got me out of my house. I had a pretty rough childhood filled with a lot of emotional abuse. So any reason to get away and to have a moment of unconditional love with a sweet baby AND get paid was like, majorly awesome!
Growing up I always just assumed I'd be a great mother. I just knew that I would never treat my kids the way I was treated; I swore I would never forget how it felt to be an oppressed kid.
Fast forward to 1 and 1/2 failed relationships and 3 kids later, I have turned into this miserable wretch of a mother. I am horrible to my kids, more often than not I hate my significant other and I totally take it out on the kids. Every night I feel so much guilt and disgust with myself and I swear that I will Di better the next day... Then the next day comes and things haven't changed a bit.
I am so ready to give up, and even though I know everyone would probably be better off without me, I just can't bring myself to let them go. I know I love my babies, and I know that I am blessed to have three healthy, beautiful, smart and just over all wonderful kids, but I also know that my inability to get my emotions in check is just fucking them up. I want so badly for them to have a great childhood, and to grow up to be happy, successful and respectful adults... But I'm doing such a terrible job. I'm basically repeating a shitty cycle and I feel powerless to stop it.
Everything I read about emotional abuse is geared towards how to help a child deal with an emotijnally abusive parent.
Well I am an emotionally abusive parents trying to find a way to deal with myslef. I have no insurance, no money, the state keeps giving me the run around every time I try to apply for Medicaid, which is the only way I will be able to get the professional help I so obviously need.
I'm looking for some advice on how to deal with my situation. Maybe some advice on how to get a freaking grip. I feel like I am going crazy.
It is said, though I'm not sure how true it is, that girls marry men like their fathers and boys marry women like their mothers. If the saying is true then the relationship problems you are having are somewhat inevitable though fixable with the right help.
It is also said that adults abused as children are or become abusive parents. This has been found to be somewhat factual. Yes this too can be overcome with the right kind of help.
The good news in all of this is you realize you need help. The bad news is the help has not been forthcoming. If you have not tried for Medicaid benefits since the first of the year you need to try again.
While I am not a supporter of the entire Obama Care Program it does have some benefits. Everyone is supposed to have Health Insurance by March of this year. For those who cannot afford it even with government assistance there is Medicaid funded by the federal government and available through state government.
What I suggest is you go on your state insurance exchange or the federal exchange if your state does not have an insurance exchange. Find the phone number for assistance with finding a program and call them.
I have very recently found that when dealing with government agencies applications are rejected for the most ridiculous of reasons. For things the reviewers could correct themselves which really amount to "T’s” not being crossed and I's not being dotted. Instead they reject the entire application and your back at square one.
With the problems of the exchanges they have hired thousands of people to take applications over the phone and help people apply for the program that best fits their needs and ability to pay for. When the application taker sees you need to apply for Medicaid they should start the proper paperwork for you. Medicaid if no other program is a fit for you is the default program. As far as I know you cannot be turned down if no other program is available to you.
You can also contact you Congressman or State Senators Office for help. Both of their offices have aids dedicated to assist with this problem.
Once your insurance problems are taken care of you know what to do. Find a psychologist you are comfortable with as you need to let everything out about your childhood and your romances. With the help of the psychologist you will break the cycle of bad significant others and learn how not to take things out on your children.
Working with government agencies to get them to do what they are tasked to do can be frustrating at times. Keep trying and if necessary call upon your elected officials. We did and for what we were in need of help was quickly resolved with their help.
I'm crying as I right this so everything is blurred. First my mom dad and sister fight a lot (16yrs fr mum and dac and2 yrs for sis) it's so frustrating, I have to pretend I'm happy with my friends but I no if I told dem they wouldn't understand ( you'll say talk to them see what they say but believe me I've seen the epway their parents look or talk to eachother, no serious fighting is going on) my mom has given up so much to stay with us so I can't talk to a facility and whenever we bring it up they blame it on each other. ITS JUST NOT FAIR, I spend most of my childhood crying and pretending to be happy but I hurt a lot. They can't get a divorce because then we can't do the thing see do and they both no that. I don't no sometimes I wanna scream at everybody and curl up in a ball. It just so hard watching them fight and my dad says I enjoy it cause he says I sit there and watch like its a movie. I'm only 12 and I feel as broken as some people who have been in a war. I want this to stop more than anything like sooooo bad my chest hurts and my throat is clogged and my hands shake. I don't want to leave so don't tell me to do that. They love me and I know that but how can I get than to love eachother. I wanna be a kid not a moping sobbing being. I ep want to have fun not to put on a pained smile and force a laugh. How can I do that???????
I'm so sorry that you have to watch your parents fight the way they do and to see your sister fight with them as well. I realize how disturbing this is for you.
Without knowing what your parents fight about it is hard to give you advice. I will tell you that some fighting is healthy. Fighting gets feelings out in the open rather than kept inside where they become stress. Stress is bad and if it gets bad enough it can cause very bad health problems. Just as some fighting is good, too much fighting is bad especially when it causes other problems such as how you feel.
You know that your parents love you. This is very good for that is important for you to know. You want them to stop fighting but do not know what you can do about it. It is not a child's place to intercede in a parents marriage. Whatever they are fighting about is something they have to work out for themselves. If you were older, of adult age, you might be able to offer some advice or at as a mediator. At your age there is nothing you alone can do.
That said have you given any thought to speaking with a trusted teacher about what is going on at home. Given how you feel and how their fighting effects you there are steps the school can take to help.
Are your grandparents still living, if so have you thought about talking with them? Funny thing about parents and children; No matter how old we get we still listen when our parents talk to us. We may not follow their advice or welcome their interceding into our life bit most of us as adults will respect our parents and at least listen to what they say. Your parents may not be, and form your writing it sounds as if, they are not aware of how their fighting affects you.
Of course if there are Aunts and Uncles you can always talk to them. My nieces use to come to me when they were growing up and ask me to talk to my sister when she would not listen to them. I didn't always take their side but when I did I usually could convince my sister to at least meet them halfway. In you circumstance any adult should be able to get through to your parents how their fighting is hurting you and is probably the cause behind your sisters fighting with them.
Sometime it takes someone removed from the situation to make those involved understand what is happening. I'm sure if you talk to a teacher, grandparent, Aunt or Uncle and they talk with your parents things will change.
I'm feeling guilty. Last year, I marked myself as a dependent and my mom had to go through the trouble with her accountant on trying to do everything and to grab my paper work. Because I was a dependent, I didn't get any money from my school but my mom did. She didn't tell me that she got $1,000 and she kind of went off to another country to go to the doctor.
I got frustrated because that summer, I had to pay for college out of my own pocket because I wasn't offered summer financial aid. I told her that she should have told me so I could save the money to put into my college tuition because I didn't know how to pay $2,000 dollars for summer, I didn't get accepted for any loans, and I worked in retail. It was too much money to try to get in such a short amount of time. So, I had to borrow money from my sister's boyfriend.
I told my mom that next time, I was going to mark myself as independent so then I can save money for graduate school. And she threatened me, saying how she won't pay for anything anymore. How she won't help me at all if I needed it. She never really did help me pay for anything, so I agreed.
2013, I started working more. I was still going to school. I pulled out a few loans since I was going to graduate in December. I was pretty much paying for myself and taking care of myself. I was planning on taking a year off after I graduate to try to pay off the loans, save some money for graduate school, go to the doctor, and pretty much take care of things I needed to do so I would not have to worry about it.
2014, I filed my taxes right when I got my 1098-t form. Two days after I did, my mom came up to me and asked for my files because she said that her accountant said she would gain more money back if we filed it together. But I was already done. Even though after that conversation a year ago, and even though I do have that plan, I feel guilty of filing my taxes without her. Did I even do the right thing?
I hate to be the bearer of bad news but mom is entitled to take you as a dependent if she is responsible for over 50% of your support. This is how the tax law is written and how the IRS will interpret it.
I would suggest when you get your refund you put it in the bank and not spend an of it as all or part of it will be reclaimed by the IRS if mom files with you as a dependent. Which she may and can do. Just because you did not file jointly does not mean she cannot file with you as her dependent.
How I know this is when my son was your age and away at school he did his taxes taking himself as a dependent. Not knowing this I too took him as a dependent. The IRS computers caught it and sent him a correction and asked for a partial return of his refund.
I don't remember how much he made that summer though it was well below $5,000. Even without taking himself as a dependent he received most of what he paid in taxes back from the state and a good portion from the federal return.
Without him as a deduction on my return I would not have been allowed to take certain deductions. Without those deductions I would not have been able to finance what I was able to of his tuition and he would have had a much greater tuition debt upon graduation.
Yes you earned the money and under general circumstances you would be entitled to any refund. If mom is paying for any part of your college, books, tuition or room and board plus your general maintenance she is entitled to take you as a dependent under the IRS rules. If you were not in college then she would not be allowed.
Did you do the right thing. I would have to say no. You did what you did on purpose so that your mom could not get what you felt was yours. As long as mom is supplying 50% or more of your maintenance she is entitled to the dependent deduction as long as you are in school or until you reach the age out limit.
I am MBA working in US, Indian by birth, perfect looks, gentle, honest ,cool, fun loving, partially gay tendency, looking for a lesbian girl for MOC as well, lifelong companionship, Looking forward to hear from interested .
saurabh11000 at mail dot com
This is not a dating site. You would best be served to put what you wrote on a dating site as you will get more of the type of returns you are looking for. This site is dedicated to helping people with questions or problems they have. I seriously doubt you will receive any answer other than once like this to your posting.
Please help! I'm a teenager and my parents just got divorced. While they were still married, I found out that my dad had been cheating on my mom, and she knew this too. He had been calling 'the other woman' in secret and buying her lots of fancy things we can't afford, taking away from my childhood needs such as the books I wanted for my birthday but never got. (I also asked for these for Christmas but still didn't receive them). This other woman knew that my dad was married but went on cheating with him. I am so mad about this; as a parent, who can say that they did this? Imagine the hurt on the kid! How can I get revenge on the 'other woman'? Please help. BTW, my mom is really hurt by this. So, once again, revenge ideas, please? Thank you.
There is an old saying about revenge; "that it is a dish best served cold."
What this means is you don't go off trying to hurt someone purposely in order to seek revenge. If you were to do so you would most likely be the one getting hurt or in trouble. Your father has shown his true colors which has been at the expense of you and your mother.
If you really want to get even with your father you show him that you and your mom can get along very well without him. You do this by being supportive of your mom. Helping her through the hurt she is suffering and getting her back on her feet.
You are a teenager as such in the divorce decree there is probably language as to custody and visitation. Mom most like has custody and dad has visitation rights. I know you probably don't want to visit with him and his girlfriend right now and it is possible he and she may be counting on that, so they can live their lives without working around a visitation schedule.
By you keeping to the visitation you are messing with him the way he messed with you while he cheated on you and your mom. You need to behave properly while with him and his girlfriend and maybe his girlfriend does not want to be with him when he has you. That would be in your favor if she didn't for messing with him points.
By forcing him to live up to his visitation schedule you are in a sense getting your revenge. You doing so in a manner served up cold for you are doing nothing other than what has been ordered by the courts. He cannot blame you as he is the one that brought this on himself. If he abuses you in any manner, this could include mental abuse, you report this to the social worker that is assigned to you by the courts. Again his doing not yours. Revenge served up cold.
IF I am right, based on the little your wrote about your father. By supporting your mom and following the orders in the divorce decree. Your father will serve up his own revenge on himself. All you have to do is sit back and watch. This is the best revenge and you will be serving it up cold.
So, my dad went to prison 14 years ago (unrelated to any of this) and just got out last month. He's made attempts to contact me and my brother; we both decided to have dinner with him and have already done that.
My sister, for many years, has said that our dad molested her for years. None of this was investigated, there were no witnesses, it's all on her word.
It's an awful situation. I feel a huge loyalty to my sister, I love her so much obviously. I can only imagine what it'd be like, the betrayal to see your bothers do that to you and be around your molester. However, no one knows this actually happened, and I feel like it'd be unfair to cut my dad out of my life because of my sister's, well frankly, accusations.
I don't know what to do. Nothing was ever proven but why would someone lie about that?
Any advice on the subject would be much appreciated
This could be a tough situation for you. After 14 years without your father it is understandable that you would want to get reacquainted with him. On the other hand you also have no reason not to believe your sister.
For me the answer is simple. I would believe your sister. Why, for the simple reason that molested children have a tendency not to tell anyone of the molestation while it is happening. When they are older and realize what happened to them was wrong they are embarrassed to say anything. In your sisters case her molester was already in jail and could no longer harm her so she had no reason to come forward.
You're right it is a he said she said situation as it always is in situations where an adult molests a child. You are also wondering why your dad molested her and not you. This I would say is the thought behind you considering if your sister is lying. I don't have a good answer for that question though I do believe your sister.
What to do about this. For your sister, now that it is out in the open. If she wants she can check to see if she can still file a criminal complaint. Some states do not have a statute of limitation on child molestation.
For you and your brother you are now in a position of, do you divide your loyalties or do you stand behind your sister. For me the answer would be simple I would stand behind my sister. The answer may not be that simple for you and your brother and it would be wrong of me or anyone else to tell you what to do.
The answer lies in whether or not you believe your sister. When you decide that question you will know what the right thing to do is.
My boyfriend is going bankrupt, I'm doing all I can to help. His house and cell got cut off, and so did his internet. But even before he still hardly ever called so I could make sure he was okay. Always too busy trying some shit get rich scheme. He's been staying with this one guy and the guy let him use his internet and phone to tell me what's going on. Well tonight he posted a status but didn't message me back. I sent him a dear john letter basically and fumed. But I think I maybe pregnant, am I overreacting or should I be mad?
You're not overreacting if your pregnant. So the first order of business is to find out if you are pregnant. There are many reasons for missing a period, if that is the reason you think you are pregnant. The biggest reason is the stress over worry that you might have gotten pregnant from unprotected sex.
Go to the pharmacy and buy a home test kit. If you have not missed a period purchase a kit that allows testing as soon after unprotected intercourse as possible and at least as long as it has been for you. If it comes up positive don't panic early tests are prone to false positives wait ten days buy another kit and test again.
If you are pregnant his filing for bankruptcy does not relieve him of his financial responsibilities to his child. You need to find a lawyer and have the proper paperwork filed with the court to insure he provides financial support, child support for his child. If you cannot afford a lawyer go to the legal aid office near you and they will do the filings for you.
As far as to whether you are over reacting or should just be mad. I can only respond to the possible pregnancy. In that case you have every right to over react and be mad. For if you are pregnant and he is using the threat of his filing for bankruptcy as a ploy to deter you from asking for child support. Then yes you should be mad and no you are not overreacting. As I said above bankruptcy does not release him from his financial responsibilities of his children. In fact I'm fairly certain he knows this and is hoping you don't.
As for the relationship and how you may reacting to it. I really can't respond. There is not enough information for one. For another relationships being what they are and the intertwining with our feelings it is very easy to for emotions to run wild.
I have a relative who is a complete drama queen. My family are private people but we make an effort to stay in touch and try to get together for the holidays. In her eyes it isn't enough! She got upset when she ran into my sister at the supermarket and my sister didn't have much to report. What was she supposed to say? She along with the rest of the family live pretty ordinary lives.
My relative also believes my family is part of a cult and she's been telling lies about my family to our other relatives, saying we've been making her life torment for years and my parents have been shielding their kids from her. They believe her. It's weird. I don't remember my relative being a part of my life when I was a kid. Then when I became a teenager, she suddenly wanted to be my mom or something (my relative doesn't have kids). A couple of years ago, everyone was fine and we celebrated the holidays and had alot of fun. Then she calls us up during vacay and tells us to stop all communication. She sent back a holiday card we gave her. Witnessing her hatred, especially to my parents that I love, is really stressing me out.
On top of that she became friends with my best online friend on Facebook and I think she might be telling him lies about me or trying to get information about me to send back to her. He barely talks to me anymore. I feel like I've lost a trustworthy buddy. It's driving me crazy that there's this open drama. I'm both sad and angry and I can't call her up because it would only make things worse.
All that's happened is bringing up some bad memories for me in particular. She blamed me for something when I was a teenager and I almost committed suicide because I didn't realize how evil she could be. I've tried praying, meditating, and I don't have anyone to talk to (or no one wants to talk about it). I don't want to return to that dark road again. How do I deal?
There is not much you can do against someone like her unless you have substantiated proof she is saying these things to people and that what she is saying is malicious and libel. Then if you wish you can take Civil action in a Circuit Court for Slander and Defamation.
On this type of action you have to prove that her actions were deliberate, harmful and meant to do you a harm. It is one of the hardest cases to win. IF you saw an old movie called "Absence of Malice" you'll understand what I mean. If you haven't seen it try and find a copy. It is not only a good movie it will give you some incite to this cause of action. Just remember this is Hollywood's version.
It might be worth the cost of a Lawyer's fee to have a Lawyer send her a letter threatening legal action unless she stops these slanderous acts. If your only interest is to have her stop, not to be friends again, then this may work.
She may just be a busy body who cares not what she says as long as she can say something and keep everyone focused on her. When she is faced with the possibility of losing whatever worth she has accumulated. She may decide to pick on someone else.
My dad is SUCH a mean, inconsiderate jerk. I wish I'd written this last night because I'm dying for someone to give me advice right now. I also wish I could tell you
all about my family history, but I'll try to keep it short.
My granddad (mom's dad) is in the hospital right now and my dad's being a jerk about it. I grew up with my grandparents living about a block from my home. They were a part of our daily lives. They helped raise me and my sister and have done an awful lot for all of us that we should be grateful for, as has my mom's entire family basically.
After my grandmother died, my sister and I were grown and she had moved away, but I was still in town and helped my mom take care of my granddad daily. My dad hardly does anything. He gets mad at my mom because he says that she takes better care of my granddad than she does of him, which is a lie and hypocritical because he takes better care of his parents and niece than he does of us.
My granddad fell in his driveway on January 11 and hit his head so hard on the concrete that he was diagnosed with a cracked skull, a concussion, and bleeding around the brain. My mom and I took him to the doctor, who said he'd be fine as long as it didn't get any worse, but this past saturday night, he has headaches that indicated that it WAS getting worse. We took him to the emergency room and he was airlifted to a bigger hospital in a city about an hour away. It's not quite as bad as it sounds, but he is having surgery tomorrow to drain the blood that is
Saturday, my dad sat on his fat butt, ate, and watched tv while we were at the emergency room. When I came home just for a moment to get some things, I told him what was going on and he still just sat there. Later, when my mom and I came home to pack, preparing to stay in the city that my granddad's hospital is in until we knew what was going to be done about his condition, my dad STILL just sat there and didn't come with us. Saturday night, all day sunday, and most of monday went by and all we got from him were a few texts. He didn't visit and he didn't even call to talk to us in person. He couldn't even pretend to care. Monday, he finally visited, but only because he was in town anyway to help a friend of his with something.
We got home yesterday and my parents invited me out to dinner. We went out and my dad, who was the one who WANTED to go out, was in a bad mood. He talked rudely and hatefully to us, so I stopped trying to pretend that I wasn't mad at him like I'd been doing for the sake of getting through thd dinner. Then, he asked how late I stayed up the previous night. It's like he thinks he's so amazing that the only logical explanation for how I could ever be mad at him is if I was tired, on my period, or someone poisoned me against him.
Then tonight, after I'd encouraged my mom to tell my dad how she felt, they had a HUGE fight that, lucky for me, I got to be there for. It was horrible. My dad started screaming at her for things that were not all that relevant to what was happening. My dad unjustly accused her and her family of things he has no right to accuse them of. Basically he just had a big pity party because he knew he was wrong, but has always been too egotistical to admit it, or at least that's what I think.
He accused my mom and her family of things, probably in an attempt to make excuses for why he hasn't been there for my granddad, but everything accusation he made were things that his own family has done and done worse. My mom's family treats him like a blood relative. They're more generous to him than he could ever repay them for and my uncle even paid for him to go to the Master's with hi. My dad's family leaves me and my mom out all the time. They plan things around our schedule, not to make sure we CAN come, but to make sure we CAN'T. However, can't say anything to him about it because he'll get mad and defend them. He advised my engaged sister to hold her tongue about her problems with her future in laws because that's what he wants my mom to do for him and what he feels is right. He's alright with his relatives treating his wife and daughters like scum, just not with us saying anything about it. However, He's constantly saying bad things about my mom's family.
My dad's sense of right and wrong is very distorted. I'm sick of him being a hypocrite and I'm sick of him being mean and thoughtless to us and our extended family, especially my mom. Does anyone have any good advice?
It is unfortunate that your father is the way he is. While I cannot explain why he is like this I can understand why you feel the way you do for your father sounds a lot like my dad did.
About ten years before his death he finally cast the proverbial straw that broke the camels back by hurting my wife, verbally. From that point forward I wrote him out of my life. I wrote him and told him he was wrong and until he apologized I wanted nothing further to do with him and why. I included everything I could remember he ever did that wronged me all the way back to childhood; including things he stole from me.
I knew he would never apologize for he was a very much what your dad sounds like. He was always right. It was his way or the highway never anyway else, with family. My father also suffered from depression though since he was never wrong he would never admit to it so getting treatment was not an option.
I can't say why exactly your father feels as he does towards your mothers family or why his family treats you and your mom they way they do. Obviously it is something he says to them. As for your moms family he may feel that all the help they gave your family that they either saw him as a failure or he just couldn't provide for his family to their standards. If the latter is how feels then he too may suffer from depression.
I see a bit of a controlling influence in him from what you have written. Being controlling is also part of the depression.
What can you do about this. Probably nothing to change him. For yourself if you want you can do as I did and cut him from your life. It sounds like you don't live with mom and dad so cutting him from your life is possible. It seems from what you have written his family doesn't care one-way or the other about you and your mom. So all you really need to do is be supportive of your mom.
The best thing you can do for yourself though is to have a few sessions with a psychologist. To be able to talk one on one with someone who I'm sure can offer better advice in a better setting than I or any of us can. I believe you would benefit greatly from this for getting this anger off your chest in a proper manner and setting will be helpful.
If your employer has and EAP program, most companies that have Health Insurance do. The EAP program will find a pay for a specific number of visits with the psychologist, which is all you should need.
I have a religious family. I'm Gay and My family knows but pretend it's not there. I'm 22 years old and the guy I date is 33years old. I want my family to meet him. But, I'm afraid that my family wouldn't want to have anything to deal with me anymore after I tell them that i'm gay and officially in a relationship with a guy. My grandparents are my pastors and i'm not sure what to do. I can't help that i'm gay it's not a choice. I have tried to change whom I am. Plenty of times and Nothing has changed. I haven't seen my family for about 2 close to 3 months now. I have a niece who is 4years old and is my world and my nephew is almost a year old and he is my world. I'm not sure who to turn too and who would be there for me when they disown me. I need HELP!!! PLEASE ANYONE!!! :/ I Can't do this. I just want them to love me no matter what. I love them so much and i'm not sure what to do. Please. I Have realized I want them to meet the person i'm in love with and who I really care about. advice please!:)
The following link may be able to help you more than I can. It is the website for LGBT which stands for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender. They have support groups throughout the country. By clicking on this link: http://lgbt-support.meetup.com/ you will be taken to their group locator page. Enter the information asked for and find a group near you.
You are not the first gay man to have this problem. I'm sure within this group you will find not only companionship and friendship but the support you are looking for as well as answers as to how to tell you family and retain their love and support.
You are also correct that being gay was not a choice. It is how you were born. It was not something caused by mom or dad during conception or gestation it is what you are. Medical science now believes this and no longer tries to cure gays and lesbians but tries to help them get comfortable with who they are.
The hardest people to explain this to though are the ultra religious as they believe the bible is the word of god and anything contrary to what is in the bible is wrong or against god's wishes. If I want to take issue with that then I would take another passage from the bible that says we are all made in gods image.
If I take that as written then is god man or women? Going further what is color of gods skin? What is gods sexual preference? Now you might ask from these questions if I am an atheist? No I consider myself an agnostic. I do not believe in organized religion but I do believe in a higher power. I also question a lot of things especially that which I don't understand including some of the science that is proving some of what is in the bible to be false.
Why am I telling you this? To support my statement and your belief that their is nothing you can do to change who you are. Your sexual identity was given to you at conception, this I believe so stop tormenting yourself and enjoy the life you have.
My mom keeps reading my diary! I try to hide it but she is allways snooping around!! I write EVERYTHING °̩n there because that's the way I express my feelings. I don't act weird I'm allways bubbly, but I have my down days. Why does she keep reading it. And any good ideas where to hide it? I can't hide it °̩n my matress or pillow. So any other ideas? ThxX lvj! XxX
Why your mom reads your diary is a tough question to answer since I do not know her. As a parent myself I can only give you a generic answer to your question.
You are probably thinking mom reads your diary because she does not trust you. This may or may not be true. Teenagers are famous for not communicating with their parents and we were not different when we were teenagers.
As a teenager the feeling is we are no longer children though we are not truly adults either. Still we fill we have a right to be treated more like adults than children. Some parents are better at this than others and find way of finding out what their children are up to both in school and out. This is easier in a small town than in a large urban area.
If I can remember back when my so was your age. A typical conversation went something like this. "How was your day?" "Okay." "Anything happen in school." "Have much home work" "about the same, call me when dinners ready."
Really not a lot to go on to see if everything is okay with him. What he is doing during the day. How he feels about things. One of the longest conversations we ever had was one where he wanted me to sign papers for a delayed enlistment in the Army. He would actually be in the Army while in the last year of High School. That needed explaining.
My thought is that mom if she is open about reading your diary is not snooping as much as she is trying to find out what your day is like and how you feel about things. Things you are telling your diary that she might like to know. Things she my need to know as a parent that you are not telling her. Things you will want to know about your daughter when you're a mom.
My advice is to be more open with mom about things. IF mom feels you are giving her the type of information she need to know as a parent then maybe she will stop trying to read your diary. One thing for sure is there is no place you can hide your diary that she did not try to hide her diary from her mom. So where ever you try she will eventually find it.
My dad has been and still is a great guy. He loves me very much although he isn't very fond of anyone excluding my Mom, sister, and I. Even though he doesn't "like" much anyone else my friends see him as a happy, sociable person on the outside and he also is very friendly towards most strangers and likes to make small talk with them. He's also successful at his job. This is the side of him that I love so much. But this side of him quickly deteriorates instantly when one little thing comes out of place. He will pout and be extremely aggressive fighting with my mom and storming up to his room to brood for hours. Over the years it had only seemed to have gotten worse. He refuses to think there is something wrong with him and will switch personalities within minutes as if a switch went off in his head. It's as if he's two different people. If you have any idea what could be wrong with him I would love to know. And also some tips on how to get him treated. I'm 14 and female and thanks for reading.
I don't think your dad is bipolar though I do think he has a problem. In fact I can identify very well with him as I suffered very much like him until I finally sought treatment. I was diagnosed with clinical depression.
I controlled my depression the same way your dad does by controlling everything in my life. As long as everything was in its place and there was a place for everything I was fine. If something was out of place or I could not find a place for something I quickly turned into someone else. Of course like your dad I never felt there was anything wrong with me; this was just me. This is where the real problem is.
Once I sought treatment I learned that a person will only seek help when they feel they need it. This is usually when they hit bottom. This reminded me of something my brother in-law said. My brother in-law, who is 25 plus years a recovering alcoholic, once told me that before a person can be helped they must hit bottom.
For me that bottom was a nasty car accident where I was the only innocent and the only person injured. My injuries forced me into early retirement. My whole world suddenly was out of control. No matter how hard I tried I could not put anything in a place and one day I had a real depressive episode that scared me into seeking help.
You could get lucky and tell your dad my story and maybe he would see himself in my story. If he does he may seek help. If he doesn't there is not much you can do to force him to seek help.
Clinical Depression is caused by several things. The first is the lack of one or two hormones that control mood. Those can be replaced with medication. The other is stress; stress causes pain, both physical and mental, which causes depression. Depression causes pain and stress. This is a vicious cycle and unless there is some type of medical intervention it continues to revolve.
In order to break the cycle you work with a therapist to identify the stressor or stressors and to find a better way to deal with them. You learn to identify when the stress is moving you towards the place you don't want to be. In order to do this work you have to want to do it, you can't be forced into doing it to placate someone or family.
I know how hard this is on you for I know how hard it was on my family. We missed a lot of years we could have done other things that my depression got in the way of. The only thing I can suggest is your mother should talk to your fathers doctor about screening him for depression during his next physical or visit to the doctor. If the doctor does diagnose him as being depressed then maybe your father will listen to the doctor. I say maybe because I didn't and my doctor is also a close friend.
As I said I had to hit my personal bottom before I sought help. That bottom for me was a horrible event that almost took my life. Hopefully your father will be smarter than I was and listen to you, your mom and his doctor. If you can get him to he can write me via this forum and I will be glad to answer any questions he has.
I am in a very difficult situation. At the moment, I am living at home with my parents on some time off from school. About two months ago it was revealed that my mother was having an affair. My parents decided to work things out, and my father in particular has being working very hard to try to improve their marriage. Today, my mother came home from visiting her brother and informed me that she would be going back out later. I asked, out of curiosity, where she was going. She replied that she was "Seeing a friend." It is very unlike her to respond in such a way, as I've met all of her friends and normally she would be more specific. After she left I logged into our cell phone provider's website and looked at her phone records. I know that that is an awful thing to do, but I was right to suspect her. A few hours prior, she made a call, for two minutes, to the man who she had been seeing. They are still out now, and she isn't answering her phone, according to my father, who called her to tell her that he is getting off work early. I don't know what to do. Should I tell my father? Should I confront my mother? I want to move out, as I don't think I can live in this situation, but I simply don't have the funds. I am really lost, and this situation is just awful.
This is a damned if you do and damned if you don't situation. Whatever you do you come out on the losing end.
Fact: Your mother is an adult women responsible for her own actions.
Fact: Your mother for whatever reason is fully conscious of her affair with this man and what the results may be.
Fact: As an adult your mother is not responsible to you for any of her own actions nor you as an adult responsible to her for your actions.
Fact: You snooped someplace you should not have and now you know something you should not have known and it hurts you. The question is what to do about it.
The answer is nothing; as much as it hurts you to be knowledgeable of this situation anything you do will only cause you and or your father harm if you tell him. If you confront your mother I foresee and argument you cannot win with her causing you more hurt.
If you normally live at school during the school year then the best thing you can do for yourself is to stay at school as much as possible. In this way at least you won't have to see what your mom is doing. As for your dad you need to be there and be supportive of him for when he does find out.
Should he find out that you were knowledgeable of mom's continuing affair. If I were him I believe I would understand that you withheld this information so as not to hurt me. I might initially be hurt but I would eventually come to understand why you did not come right out and tell me when you became aware of it.
As I see this you are in a no win situation. Someone or all of you are going to get hurt if you discuss with them the information you now have. Of course you are only asking for my advice in the end the decision is yours to make.
I am a 22 year-old college student, and I live at home with my parents and my grandmother. My 28 year-old older sister lives away from home, and is in an abusive relationship with her boyfriend of four years.
Today I went to mass with my mom, and I never noticed how badly my sister's situation affected her. For awhile she told told me that she chose not to get involved in the situation, and that my sister made her choice. In her opinion, she chose her boyfriend over the family.
Before leaving mass she suggested that I light a candle for my paternal grandmother who passed away in February, and since I know the kind of relationship that she holds with members of that side of the family I was kind of puzzled. So I kept on asking her why she was crying over her death, and she told me that it was because my grandmother would have been there to talk to her about this situation when she was alive and healthy.
I am very concerned about my mother because she's not the healthiest person. Yet, admittedly, I'm not the right kind of person to go to about the situation I'm too temperamental, passionate, high-strung, and I hate when certain things like this are out of my control. Also, under certain circumstances in the past, I have not been the best person to go to in drastic situations although I do try to be supportive.
I have no idea what to do, I have tried talking to my sister but this always turns into a fight. As far as she's concerned, regardless of the situation that occurred between them less than two months ago in which her friends and family found out about her situation with her boyfriend, she's happy and safe and he's in love with her. I can't help but think that she's only there because her boyfriend is controlling the situation.
My mom is not the healthiest person in the world. She has diabetes that went untreated for years, this condition left her blind in one eye, unable to wear heels, and with her kidneys unable to function properly making it where she needs to go to dialysis every other day.
The main thing is that unlike most people, she does not have a close group of girl friends who she can hang out with to get her mind off of things. This probably results from the fact that she has never been particularly involved in her community, and she doesn't work.
So, how do I handle this situation? I told her to go to church and ask to speak to a priest (we're Catholic), to talk to a cousin who she grew up with, and to even talk to my sister's friend who has been extremely helpful in this situation, and has definitely shown that if we need to talk to she's there for us.
You have not given a lot of information on the type of situation your sister is in other than it is an abusive relationship. There are two types of abusive relationships. There are physically abusive relationships and verbally or mentally abusive ones.
The later of the two there is not much you can do about. If there's is a physically abusive relationship and you see evidence of physical abuse on your sister. You can report this to the local police. They can investigate and depending on their investigation and the domestic violence laws in the state; they can arrest the boyfriend with or without your sisters cooperation.
There is not much else I can offer to help you. Though I know of several organizations that can offer more help. One is called RAINN. RAINN stands for Rape, Abuse, Incest, National Network. They offer a 24/7 hotline staffed by trained counselors. Their number is 1-800-656-HOPE. I would suggest you call them and ask one of the counselors for other suggestions.
If your sisters boyfriend is using her for a punching bag this will only get worse. typically in these situations the abuser will hit, punch and even rape the other. Then become all apologetic, swear they will never do it again and say how much they love the other person. Then sometime later something will happen and they do it again and the cycle continues.
If you don't do something to break the cycle it can and has happened that the abuser ends up hurting the other to the point of either killing them or that person kills the abuser and goes to jail. Another ending has the abused committing suicide. None of these outcomes are good for the abused, abuser or their families.
It is very hard to get the abused to seek help on their own so you must seek help for them. Be there for them and be the strength they don't have at this time. Call Rain, call a local women's center and find out ways you can help your sister.
I know you're concerned for your sister. You concern for your sister tells me YOU ARE THE RIGHT TYPE OF PERSON TO GET INVOLVED, YOU JUST NEED TO BELIEVE YOU CAN DO SO.
I live with both my mother and stepdad and I love both of them very much, but I have a much stronger relationship with my mother than my stepdad, and he doesn't do anything about it. Does this mean anything?
No, not really. He may feel that you do not want a stronger relationship with him that what you have with him. If you want a stronger relationship with him I believe you will have to take the lead and show him a stronger or fuller type of daughter love than you have been.