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advice

So I was adopted by my grandma. My mom was in my life, though. Basically my mom and my grandma both raised me. Anyway, I'm 24 and I'm living in my own townhouse with my boyfriend in a completely different county. When I lived at home, I paid the bills and helped any way I could, because I lived in the house. However, now I have my own bills I need to pay. My grandma called me constantly asking for money to pay her such-in-such bill because she couldn't afford to pay it. I refused her once, and she would always bring up the fact she adopted me and that she raised me and that I owed her for it. Then, I end up having to go to court FOR her because the old landlord sued her and she refused to go. I'm now having to pay this debt to him because I was the one who showed up. Now, again, I'm having to go to court because of something she won't pay and won't go to. I tell her that I shouldn't have to go, and she, once again, brings up the fact that she raised me and that I owe her for it. It makes me feel so horrible. I didn't ask to be born, why does she keep doing this to me? And not only that, but it is getting me and my boyfriend into HUGE fights. What can I do about this?

If it is not your bill DO NOT GO TO COURT FOR IT. Unless your name is on the bill you are not responsible for it and do not need to go to court to answer for it. I'm not sure how you were made responsible for the landlords payment by going to court for your grandmother it wasn't you debt in the first place. If I were you I would contact an attorney to see if you can get out from under that one.

Unless you are named on the Court filing or must appear as a witness you are not required to be in court for any actions against your mother or grandmother. If your name is not on this filing do not go.

As to being obligated to pay these bills because you were adopted. NO. No child is responsible for their parents obligations. Be that child the parents natural born child or an adopted child. In the most recent mortgage crisis Banks have tried to go after children and other family members to recoup their losses and have been forced to return any moneys collected by the courts in most states where they have tried this. Even for student loans unless a parents name appears on the loan application the parent is not held responsible for the students failure to pay. I know because my sons loan fell into default and they never tried to get me to pay his loans.

Do not let mom or grandma bully you or coerce you through guilt to pay their bills for them. If you can afford to and wish to is one thing. If you cannot afford to and would cause you to default on any of your bills then you tell them you can't help them. Your credit and good credit rating has to come first.

Should you decide to help your grandmother or mother do not give them cash or a personal check. Get a cashiers check from the bank and make it out to the company it is going to. I once loaned my son some money to pay a debt to pay a bill and that company used my check as authorization to debit my checking account for future payments. We settled for them cancelling his debt and a written promise never to do that to anyone else. So if you ever loan them money do so with a cashiers check made out to whatever bill you are paying.

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I've never been close with my dad, ever. We've always argued. It's probably because we're so similar. I got my anxiety and depression from him, so I guess that's probably because I take my anger out on him aswell.

We argue literally every day. 98% of the time is something negative. I do admit that I call him stupid, annoying, etc. out of anger (I have anger issues). He'll always say that I'm rude, annoying, even sometimes say I'm a bitch (Or that I'm acting like one). It doesn't get physical obviously. Usually I just get mad, go to my room, and slam my door. I am in my room 99.8% of the time. He just makes me so mad. He has a short fuse too. Even asking him a question will make him burst into flames. It's ridiculous. If I ever try to talk about it or say "You need to stop that" or whatever, it just gets awkward and he gets annoyed over it and blames it on me. I always raise my voice and it just gets bad. I don't know how to stop this without getting help or talking to him. Should I go awhile not talking to him?

Without knowing your age it will be hard for me to give you any advice. What I can tell you is I could have written this letter when I lived at home with my father. Like you the best I could do was avoid him as much as possible.

For reasons I didn't learn until I was much older he blamed me for many of his failures in life. I was always wrong and he was always right. It wasn't until I joined the Air Force that he saw me as a man and things got a bit better between us. But not for long, eventually after seeking help for depression and finding he was the root cause of my depression I broke all ties with him after my mother died. He died a broken lonely old man.

I know this doesn't help you but what I am attempting to show you is you're not alone. We don't get to chose our parents. Not all families are like the ones that use to be portrayed on television.

His constant yelling and screaming at you could be seen as mental abuse which would be seen as child abuse. You could talk with a trusted teacher or your school principal. IF they feel your home life is detrimental to your well being there are actions they must take to intercede.

My son and I have a much better relationship than I had with my father. When we do have a disagreement he reminds me he is the one who will be choosing my nursing home. I remind him I am the one spending his inheritance. Of course this is just away for us to joke between us. But you and any siblings you have will have that responsibility some day. My sister chose the Adult living center she put my father in which became his nursing home. It wasn't the best it was what he could afford as neither she or I felt obligated to pay for better. When you're older you might want to remind your father of this fact.

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I'm 18 and still have one year of high school to go. My mom has alwsys intimidated me in a way where I feel like speaking gets me killed. I can't fully be honest because my mom snaps at me for being ignorant and selfish. She gets pissed at me for not knowing what I want or not understanding myself, then when I tell her what's really going through my mind she says it's my fault that there's problems. Right now my younger sister wants me dead because she allows her friends to harass me and she's told me that I need to kill myself all because my mom refused to let her rejoin color guard. I tell my mom and her response is "well you shouldn't have pissed her off." What kind of parent does that?
My mom gets mad at my dad for not having emotions, but gets mad at me for feeling anything. I can't be happy because it's too awkward and I'm always depressed. My mom feels a need to yell at me for being moody or not growing up. I can't help that I'm depressed all the time and she thinks I can just suck it up and smile.
My cousin recently lost her mom and her biological father is in prison, but I'm unable to care. I'm not exaggerating, I'm literally unable to care. All I can focus on is how loud she is and inappropriate she behaves around every single living being, and yet I'm punished for even raising my voice from joy. She even told me she'd choose my cousin over me. It makes me feel worthless when she puts me down this way. I've told her to her face, but I honestly think she hates me. I'm not allowed to dislike people but she is. I'm not allowed to let out my true emotions, but she is. I'm sick of her being a hypocrite. I'm close to giving up on everything and ending my life because I'm sick of having to carebut not being allowed to.

You are in an awkward position by being 18 which makes you legally and adult though still in high school living at home. If you were a year younger there are things I could tell you to do to get help from school and family services. Being a legal adult I'm not sure if the school or family services will be able to extend that help to you.

You are in a caustic environment this is evident in the sentence you wrote; "I'm close to giving up on everything and ending my life." You need help professional help. IF you feel ending your life is the only answer then call 911 for help. Not only will you get the help you need but maybe a wakeup call will be sent to your mother.

At school talk to a favorite teacher or your school principal about what your home life is like. If you were a year younger there are definitely things they can do to help you. It is possible since you are still in school those things are still available to you. Your home life is not conducive to good school work. You do want to graduate this year and hopefully someday go on to college. Ask a teacher or the principal for help.

The other option is more drastic which is to find a full time job, drop out of school and get a GED. With a full time job you can afford to find your own place to live either a rented room or an apartment with a roommate.

You can also talk to Military recruiters about joining a Branch of the Military. They may be able to help you get your GED while in the military and you may be trained in a career that is transferrable to a civilian career or you may just like the military and make it a career.

Suicide is not an answer it is the wrong solution. If you ever or are feeling suicidal please call 911 or go to the nearest hospital emergency room and ask for help.

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F/21
My fiance and I have been together 3 years. His daughter is 4 and I have helped raise her. He has split custody with mom. I understand as a "step mom" I really can't have an opinion on any of their matters and try to stay out of the fire. I text mom if we are coordinating pick up or drop off, we talk when we are all at events for their daughter or simply having a meeting for schedules. I find myself to be civil and don't think their is anything wrong with keeping our relationship as that. I don't want to be friends with her. She takes this as me hating her and tells me I think of her as a witch and hate her because I won't get to know her and base my opinions of her off gossip. She texts me every few weeks demanding a meeting. We have never had a one on one but my fiance and I never felt the need. We know each other on a co-parent basis and not as friends. She demands we be more and tries to strong arm me into things. She says she just want to be friends and start with a clean slate but I find that easier said than done. She yells at me and freaks out if I don't say yes to a lunch date. I tried to explain it scares me and makes me uncomfortable to meet her when every time I don't agree with her she yells. She doesn't understand and looks at as me trying to undermine her as the mom. She slammed me on Facebook saying I think of her daughter as my own and label myself a step mom when I'm not. Bashed me to a mother group blaming me for some relationship issue with her now x. The thing is I have reached my hand out to her and she acts as if I am some stranger and says she needs to meet me so she can judge my character, but says it has to be a one on one with no one else there. And I am backed into the corner on it. I feel like I can't get away. She wants so desperately for us to be friends we tried before and she ended up using everything I said and turning it around into bad things. Should I agree to a one on one? Do I HAVE to do this? What should I say? How do I keep the upper hand so she can't walk on me? I'm seriously at a loss. She is so angry towards me everything I say she interprets as an insult because she is a victim. I am in desperate need for advice on how to deal with this type of person. What boundaries should I set for our relationship? What is okay to say/do in this situation. I don't want to mess up and jeopardize my relationship with my fiance or step daughter.

My best advice is as follows:

1) You and your fiancé need to sit down and discuss the relationship that you will have with his daughter. Since he is co=parenting you too will be a parent when she is in your home. What would he expect of you as a parent, in other words do you have full parental authority or a limited authority when she is with you. If he asks why? That brings you to #2,

2. If your fiancé is not aware of the situation between you and his daughters mother then you must make him aware of it. Then discuss your feelings with him and I'm confident he will agree with you that you do not need to be her friend.

As to her judging your character this one is a slippery slope. It could be just what it means it could be she is looking for grounds to modify custody. Make sure your fiancé is aware of the exact words she used when communicating this to you. It is not her place to judge your character that is your fiancé's place but could become a custody issue if she makes it one. Not wanting to be a friend or inject yourself between her and you soon to be husband is not a character fault. Wanting to be a good parent to her daughter as she and her father wishes you too is a positive objective on your part.

3. Once you and your fiancé are on the same page as to his ex and what he would like your relationship to be with her. Then sit down and write her a letter; do not text. I would say it should go something like the following.

Dear___,
(Insert name of fiancé) and I have discussed at length the relationship we feel is best that I have with you and your daughter. The facts are that I am going to be her stepmother and she will be spending time with me in our home.

I feel it is important that there be continuity between our homes in how she is being raised. When she is with us it should not be like she is suddenly on holiday. What happens in your house I want to continue in ours.

I know it is not possible for you to write everything down as to how things are done in your home. What you can do is give me the bullet points of the normal things and when the abnormal occurs I can communicate with you as to how you would handle it or wish it to be handled especially if her father is not home to at the time.

Things that I feel are important that I know are things such as doctors, bedtimes, church clothes VS play clothes. What foods she is allowed, not allowed. and favorites. Allergies are important to know, do we need to carry epie pens. When she starts school homework assignments that need to be completed. In other words coming to our home should not be a holiday but what it is a visit with her father.

In other circumstances it is possible we could be friends. Given the circumstances we have I think it best that we keep our relationship to what it is. You're the mother of my fiancé daughter and I'm going to be her step mom. We should limit our communication to what is in the best interest of the child.

Right now that is the relationship I am comfortable with. In the future who knows things could change. For now please stop trying to change what is and stop trying to set up one on one meetings for I will not meet with you in that manner. My interest in communicating with you for now is strictly what is in the best interest of your daughter.

Of course use your own words though I believe that is what you need to say.

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This advice is over complicated, i don't have time to do that. And it would be very hard for me to help pay for some of the expenses since the job i work at is part time and minimum wage. My father didn't pay child support and my brother has a different dad from me and we don't know where his dad is. He ran away from home when my brother was a baby. I would also like to say that I would like to start saving my money for stuff for me later on in life like when i get my license, i must pay for half the car insurance and gas on a huge gas wasting minivan. Take these into account with my situation as well.

My advice may be overly complicated though it is what has to be done to find out just what the family financial situation is, Based on what you wrote in your last question; mom is not good with her finances and spends money she needs for important things frivolously, my take on what you wrote.

It is unfortunate that at such an early stage of adulthood I'm asking you to be the adult of the family. To either take control of the family finances or at the very least sit down with mom and show her how to budget. I wish there was another easier way to do what needs to be done, there is not. If it is not done, if things like the mortgage and condo fee's are not paid on time you could lose the house. Don't pay the utility bills on time they turn them off. To have them turned on will require huge deposits.

You did not mention the gas guzzling minivan in your last question. You also do not say how old it is. I agree with the previous advisor that you should suggest to mom she get rid of this for a more gas efficient vehicle. With just the three of you I see no need for a minivan a small compact car, used or new, should meet your family needs.

If you find moms debts exceed her income then her alternatives are few and she should consider filing chapter 11 bankruptcy. This type of bankruptcy will allow her to keep the house and the car while consolidating monthly debts, other than utilities and mortgage, into one small monthly payment. This will also require she put together a budget which she will get some help in doing so.

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Okay, so, my mom is a single mother and she works two jobs and somehow she has no money for anything. I understand its hard to be a single mother, but its out of control. She has two jobs, she doesn't pay for a lot of stuff for me anymore, she's making me pay for my phone bill and my brothers phone bill (he's 11, I'm 18), I just started my first job a month ago. We live in a condo, and she's still paying for mortgage and she's behind on the monthly dues. I don't understand where all her money is going. She makes me do everything around the house and she gets mad at me so easily. I just recently saw an envelope with my college fund money and its 10,000 dollars less than it was before and I have a strong feeling that she took it out and spent it. I don't know what she spent it on and she says we still do not have money. We live in a two bedroom condo and currently house foreign exchange students to help pay for our house even though we own the condo. I sleep in my moms bed with her. If I want my own room again, I have to pay rent which is ridiculous. I'm just so confused about where all this money is going and I just want to know how you guys feel about my situation! Thank you!

You don't say where your father is in all this. If your parents are divorced then child support for you ended when you turned 18 but should still be being paid for your brother.

The previous writer had a good idea which I'm going to elaborate on in a bit. First lets talk about the College fund. That money should not be sitting around in an envelope in a draw it should be in a Bank earning interest. IF this is your money not moms money or money your parents have been saving for college for you then I suggest you take it to a bank and open a savings account in your name only. You are legally an adult at age 18 and do not need a parent as co-owner on any bank account.

As to the family finances. It just may be that mom is not a good money manager. Maybe in the past dad handled all the finances. What I suggest you do is talk to mom and ask her if you can help with the family fiancés. Tell her you're working now and you would like to help but only if you can see where money is going and needs to go. TO do this you need to know what is coming in and what is going out.

The first thing you need to know is how much money you have to work with. She needs to tell you how much her take home pay is from her two jobs plus any child support. If she is not receiving any child support and dad is still in the picture, then this is something we need to cover and will in a bit.

Once you have moms take home pay for each check she receives multiply it times the number of checks she receives each month. This gives you her monthly income. Put you monthly income in a separate column.

Next in a separate column write down all the monthly expenses starting with the mortgage and the utilities, phone bills, internet, cell phones, gas for the car, car insurance, health insurance if not supplied from one of her employers. Monthly food expenses, estimate other expenses like co-pays for medicine, doctor and dentist visits and any other NEEDED expenditures.

Add up the total of monthly expenses if it exceeds moms income start eliminating unnecessary expenses starting with your brothers cell phone. There is no necessity for an 11 year old to have a smartphone. If mom wants him to have a cell phone for emergencies so she can reach him or him her. There are children's emergency cell phones which allow calls to other cell phones or land line plus 911. They are very inexpensive and can be had on a prepaid basis.

Dry cleaning can be cut back on by wearing more sash and wear clothing. Internet and cable TV are nice but not a necessity, Hula is a less expensive alternative to cable TV. If her grocery shopping includes name brand products switch to store brands. I know for a fact they are less expensive and just as good, sometimes even better then the name brand.

Once you have done this you have hopefully brought the total expenditure down to at least equal to her income or less than her income. Now look at your income. IF there is say a difference in what is now the budget a surpluses for her of $50 if you are able to give her $150 dollars so she has a monthly surplus of $200 or $50 a week. This is important as a budget is just that a budget. She needs a surplus each week to get her through for unexpected expenditures.

The rest of what you earn is yours which you put in your checking account, NOT in an envelope in a draw around the house where she can find it. With your checking or savings account the bank with give you an ATM card so you will be able to get cash when you need it.

Child support: If dad is still alive and not paying child support then mom needs to see a lawyer and take him to court. It is the law that until your brother is 18 he must pay child support. There are ways the law can force him to pay. The can attach earning, the can attach his tax refund. They can take away his license to drive and even revoke the registration on his car. His passport can be revoked and he can even be jailed, If mom cannot afford a lawyer she can have one appointed for her by the courts. All she needs to do is go see the clerk of the District Court.

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HI, I'm 13 years old. My parents won't buy anything for me or even let me buy anything with my own money, I don't know what to do. My parents say they don't want to spoil me and say that I'm a brat just for asking. But also, how will I learn to manage money if I can't make a mistake while learning how to. I only have 43 dollars and I've been saving that up like my whole life, and when I ask my dad for something and present him with the money, he thinks I stole the money. PLEASE HELP.

It would help to have more information such as what are some of the things you want to purchase. It would also help to know why your dad thinks you stole the money.

While I can't directly address your question as to why your parents tell you know. In a sense you did answer your own question in what you wrote. You wrote, how will I learn to manage money if I can't make a mistake while learning how to."

Every parent; parents differently. It is unfortunate but you guys don't pop out of your mothers with handbooks like new cars come with. We as parent learn on the job, so to speak, as to how to parent. It is harder with the first child and gets easier with the second child. Unfortunately the older child is the one who we learn with so they suffer the most and the second and others get to sail right through from what we learn from the first. It is wrong and the fact is we know it and most of us do try to compensate for it, some don't.

Back to your question; your dad may think he is teaching you how to manage your money by saying no to things you want to buy with your own money. Being an adult he may not see the need or the benefit of what you want. Therefore he say's something like; "you don't need to waste your money on that." As someone who has made his living in sales I can tell you if the person you are trying to sell something to does not see a need or benefit to what you offering they won't buy.

If this is the case with your father then my first recommendation would be. You need to show your dad why you need not just you want it. You also need to show him there is some benefit to why you want to make this purchase. Under those heading don't go up to him as say, "I want it because every other kid in school has it." "Doing so will probably get you know where with your dad.

My second recommendation is find out why your dad thinks you have stolen this money. IF you can prove to him how wrong he is then do so. If say some of this money came from cash birthday gifts write down on a piece of paper how much came from whom. Like $5 from Aunt on this occasion and so on. If you get an allowance and you put some away each week, write that down. It may add up to more than what you have and that is okay for you can also write down what you spend money on. Such as lunch at school; a slice of pizza after school, hamburgers or something when at the Mall with friends or other things you might spend small amounts of your own money on.

If your father thinks you stole that money then somewhere along the line you did something or he believes you did something that has caused him to mistrust you. It is unfortunate if he preserves' this mistrust. You are still the one that has to earn it back or prove to him he is wrong. If he is anything like my father was he will never admit he was wrong but will accept your apology or proof you did nothing wrong.

It is tough being teenagers especially a young teenager such as yourself. You’re not a child and you’re not an adult. You are what I call a tweener. People expect you to act like an adult but treat you like a child. Hang in there it does get better.


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Hi! I'm a transgender teen (female to make) I haven't come out or anything yet but I know I'll have to. I asked another question in regards to coming out a few days ago, but this is a whole different topic. I'll obvioudly have to pick a name when I transition. I've been considering Gabe, Ben, and Lance. But I feel SO guilty changing my name because my mother always talks about how ever since she was little she's always wanted a girl named Laura Grace and that's why she gave me, her firstborn daughter, that name. She always talks about how I "have the best name out of the bunch" ("the bunch" being my 5 other siblings). She's so proud of my name because it's a mix of her favorite boom character (Laura) and the grandmother who she always looked up to (Grace). She loves my name. Everytime I consider bringing up the subject of being caked something else, I feel a crushing guilt about how much my mother loves my name. How do I change my name in the future without crushing her? She has no idea that Im transgender and im afraid to take her daughter away.

I may have answered your last question. If I did I gave you some resources to call for help with your problem. These resources are still good for todays question and what I am about to ask you.

In your last question you mention you are 14 which puts you in the early stages of puberty and sexual awareness. Transgender is todays hot button of sexuality but it is not something you wake up one morning and say you are. Just lie being Gay or Lesbian being transgender is how you were born and you would have known this a long time ago.

You may not have known the word when you were say 4 or 5 but you would have known at that time that you were not like other little girls that you identified more with little boys. You would have been confused and most likely not have been able to express this to your parents. You would have been uncomfortable wearing dresses and fought with mom to wear pants.

Based on what you have written today and your last question my concern is you are confused on your sexual identity possibly a bit scared to be a girl sexually and not having any lesbian feeling you have settled on todays hot button, "Transgender".

"I'm not a psychologist and I could be wrong. I have been answer question on the website for a long time and my instincts tell me I may be right. About 85% to 90% of the time I am right based on the feed back I do get.

IF I am correct there is nothing wrong with being 14 and confused about your sexual identity. In todays world you are forced to identify with many things long before you need to. Knowing who you are sexually is something you need time to identify and grow into especially if you have nothing in your past to tell you that you are gay or lesbian or in the wrong body. You still have to learn to identify with your sexuality. Just knowing that physically you are a man or a woman and that you identify with your physical self does not mean you automatically know who you are sexually.

What I recommend is you first make sure you are truly Transgender and not sexually confused as I suspect you may be. To do this requires some courage on your part to ask you parents to allow you to see a psychologist who can help you sort this out. If you are truly transgender at some point if you wish to transgender you are going to need to see a psychologist anyway before you can have the surgery.

Once you are absolutely sure you are transgender and if you still need help with today's question. Contact the resources I have given you. They are far more qualified to help you with these questions then we are. You would not be the first person to have these problems and they will be able to offer suggestions.

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Hyy...this is a girl...who was a fun loving grl..of 17 BT still survives much harder...my dad has past last year and now my mom hates me alloott I know very well that my absence and my presence dosnt make much differnce ...Im hated by evry family member BT luved by my friends BT bearing so long with my mom I m now tyrd destroyed fully so want to dei or leave or go smewhre far BT no money no courage no idea..BT want to leave fynally at NY how..where should I go what should I do...please help want to work I know much younger still want to stand on my legs if not suicide then...????

Until your 18 we really can't help you with were to go as legally parents are responsible for your health and safety until you turn 18. If you were to leave you would be considered a runaway and returned home until you turn 18.

Suicide is also not an answer it is the wrong solution to a temporary problem. What you need is professional help to fix what is wrong with your dysfunctional family and causing you to feel suicidal.

If you are felling suicidal then the quickest way to get help is to dial 911 and ask for help. All you need to tell the call taker is you are feeling suicidal and help will be sent to you.

There are a number of ways to get help for your problems. One way is to talk to a trusted teacher or your school principal. If you are unhappy at home or in a dysfunctional family you cannot do well at school. Once they know of a problem they must take action to correct it.

Another way is to call one of the hot lines I am giving you. The first is called "The Kids Help Phone" They specialize in problems relating to what kids your age face. Their number is 1-800-668-6868. The hot line is open 24/7 365 days a year.

The other is: The National Suicide Lifeline/ No matter what problems you are dealing with, they want to help you find a reason to keep living. By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.

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So my step dad is always telling me what to do.I just don't like it when he asks my me to do somthing thing like I'm his own daughter because I am not. He's still a new person in my life I haven't adjusted to him what so ever and even though I made it seem like I have , I really feel like I haven't. I feel like I was only preteneding I was used to him for my mom or maybe I made myself belive I was okay with him around, especially sense he works two jobs all day long and I barley see him makes it hard to get used to. Now to ask for the actual advice from you guys. I don't know what to do. I want to be okay with him. My mom loves him and she loves him very much.. I just can't adjust to him. My dad left us and only keeps in touch when he actually remebers us and by us I mean to say my little siblings as well. Now I feel like if my dad isn't here no one can tell me what to do. Besides if I didn't listen to my own dad why would I listen to my future fake dad.... Yeah I carry a im just mad at the moment but I know I have to get used to him anyway just need advice on how to cope or hear a similar story to realate with somone.


thanks for reading
Da1N0nlyfriend

This is an interesting question that deserves a little more than a flat answer.

First let me tell you I am old enough to be your grandfather. Which means my advice comes with the wisdom of my age, so keep this in mind when reading my answer to you.

You are correct this man is not your father. Your mother loves him and he loves her. He is working hard to support her, you and your siblings; something your biological father for whatever his reasons walked away from.

Does this mean you have to love your stepfather? No it does not; but you do owe him the respect he is due for stepping in and taking care of you and your siblings as well as your mother. Give this man some credit for stepping in and taking on the responsibilities of providing for another man’s children. Even if your biological father is paying child support that support does not supply everything you need or desire.

Giving this man the respect he deserves does mean doing things he asks of you especially those things that are in reason and part of being a family group. An example of some of those things within reason would be keeping your room cleaning, taking on some household chores to make life a bit easier on your mom especially if she has a job outside the home. Those chores might be doing laundry, preparing dinner, watching over your siblings’ things of this nature.

Your age is shown as 17, the only information I can see other than you are female. This tells me you may have a driver’s license. If you are allowed to drive a family car for which he supports; if asked to take that car for servicing, this would be a reasonable request. Taking your siblings where they may need to go would also be a reasonable request which you should honor without question in return for all he is doing for you and your family.

Now where things become a little murky would be with dating. Understand something; when you live under someone's roof you live by their rules. That roof may be your parents, grandparents, college or stepparent you must live by their rules.

Since you do not say exactly what the problem is I will go out on a limb here and say that a dating curfew may be a problem. If so please understand two things.

1. If he didn't care for you as in have some parental feeling or love for you. He wouldn't care about your safety and put any type of restrictions on you, especially a curfew."

2. It is extremely probably that your mom and he are of one mind on this and as the head of household it is his job to lay down the rules, both the good and the bad.

It is tough being a parent even to your own kids. It is tougher to be a parent to someone else's especially to a 17 year old. So give him some credit and give him a chance.

Next year when you’re 18 and legally an adult the rules change. If you choose to remain in his house you still must live by his rules if he is still supplying the majority of your support. Meaning you’re in college or working but cannot support yourself. The rules though have to reflect and give you the benefit of the fact that your are an adult and allowed to do many things that even the day before you turned 18 your parents had control over. One of the things that change is rules on dating. A curfew becomes a request to be home by a certain time or to call if you’re going to be later. This is respect for your parents worrying.

Since you are now 17 and your 18th birthday will be here before you know it. Now is the time to start a discussion with mom and your step dad about becoming an adult and the freedoms that come with it.

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I have a crush on my 19 yr old brother I've been fantasize about him since I was 13 what should I do ask him out or seduce him?

I will start by saying the other advisors are correct. It is wrong to try and have sex with a family member, it is called incest. Besides being morally wrong it is also illegal in all western countries and cultures.

That being said it is understandable as to why you are having these fantasies. You're not alone in having them. Both boys and girls have them after entering puberty and become sexually aware. Some fantasies focus like you on an older sibling, some on parents of the opposite sex. Others may focus on the mother, father , older sister or older brother of a friend. It is completely normal.

To act on these fantasies is where you depart from normal. Yes even with your friends older siblings if they are much older than you. With a parent, sibling or first cousin having a sexual relation with them at any time is incest and illegal. The reason being is mostly because of the chance of pregnancy and the baby suffering from many different forms of mental retardation and birth defects. It is also morally wrong and if you are religious you will find it so in the bible of your religion.

What to do about these fantasies. You cannot act upon them for the reasons given. You can if you wish masturbate to them if you feel you must. This though is as far as you can take these fantasies.

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My parents started not caring once i turned 10, as they never planned a party since, so i think it led to me kind of having a complex about age. while other kids celebrated turning 13, 16, etc. with their friends, i just would get a cake, and if i was lucky, like $20. i feel like i missed out on those important birthdays.. you're only those integral years once. is a 43rd birthday really as special as a 16th? i feel kind of anxious about it. birthdays instead went from being fun party days to sad days i hated. when i have kids, i want to celebrate all their birthdays, even when they become adults. even if they're far away in college i'd send a gift or something. it's not like my family couldn't afford birthday parties even at our house. but it's like.. it stopped mattering to my parents, and they wonder why i had trouble with friends and everything. if my future child had trouble making friends i'd organize activities and help her branch out, not just ignore the problem. my mom even goes to blame me for my lack of friends, even when i'm literally nice to everyone i meet. she just tends to not apparently be on my side with such matters, and can be as hurtful as a bully at times. don't get me wrong, i'm grateful she gives me food and clothing and what not but for someone who is so social and has so many friends i don't understand why she didn't help foster that sort of thing within me, when it caused me years of anguish, but i digress.

I don't remember having a birthday party for each of my Birthdays. I have reminders of my first through fifth from photo's and movies. My sister was born just before my sixth birthday and my birthdays were celebrated with a cake at dinner and a gift.

My sisters' first through fifth were celebrated as mine were. When she turned six I was twelve and mom had a party for me. My next party was when I was 18 my sister was twelve. We both had parties that year. Then there was a party for her sweet sixteen and a party for me when I returned home from the military. My sister was married before she turned twenty-one so her wedding was the last party my parents made for her.

I don't know why mom stopped making birthday parties for us except milestone parties after age five. We weren't rich but we weren't poor either. I never asked her about and frankly until I read your letter I never thought about it.

Birthdays were always celebrated with the celebrant having mom cook their favorite meal and a cake. This include Dad. For moms birthday we all went out to eat. Nothing fancy just so mom didn't have to cook and a bakery cake. Sometimes we could invite a friend or two.

I can't tell you why your mom does or did as she has done in celebrating your Birthday. If you have siblings and she is different with them then I would say something is wrong but you haven't' said so. IF your parents didn't care there would not be any $20 bills and new clothes would be few and far between.

There may be more to this than you may be aware of and you might be making more of this than there is to it. I see no harm in asking mom why she doesn't make a bigger deal out of your birthday.

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These past few days I've been feeling really down. I'm a senior in highschool and I've always done good in school and gotten 90s and 100s but this year I'm getting 80s I know it's not horrible but I won't be able to make honor roll, which I really want to. I'm surprised I even made it last semester considering how my grades have dropped this year. But I'm taking honors classes and 2 AP's. I barely have any friends, only one that I really talk to in school and eat lunch with. I feel like no one likes me and thinks of me as pathetic and a loser because I'm quiet. The reason I don't talk much in my classes is because I might have social anxiety. I'm always worried about what other people are gonna say or think of me. It's always been like this.

Also I've been doing bad in gym and I don't know why but my teacher gave me a 65 today, even though I did participate. I always see kids sitting around and talking to their friends and not doing anything and she never says anything to them. I've never gotten that grade and I feel so stupid now.

I feel useless and unimportant and like no one cares about me. I have really low self esteem and I'm always feeling bad about myself. I feel like I'll never be confident. The past 3 years of highschool were fine idk why but I really hate this year. I feel so useless and lonely.

Not to mention I have problems at home too. My parents don't talk to each other, if they do they just end up fighting. I don't talk to me dad, I feel like he doesn't care about me or anyone in my family. He doesn't know anything about my school or care to ask. My mom is the one who has always done EVERYTHING for me and my 2 siblings. She works hard to take care of us even though she's diabetic and had surgery on one of her legs. Since my parents aren't speaking to eachother they don't sleep in the same room. My mom has to sleep on a sofa in the livingroom and my dad doesn't even care. My brother doesn't even have his own room and he's 23. He has to sleep in the livingroom. My older sister is disabled, she stays home all the time and isn't getting better. I don't know what to do.

Your school life is not all that bad. In fact you may be trying a bit too hard. The senior year is usually a year where you can relax a bit having taken most of the courses you need for graduation and now are taking only the electives required. From what you have written it appears you have really loaded up your senior year as well as the past three years. There is nothing wrong with this as it will make you stand out more on your college applications. On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the best I would rate your school life at around 7 or 8.

Your home life is a different story. There is not much you can do about your home life. You can grin and bear it for the next 8 or 9 months until you go off to college, hopefully you are for you sound like the type of student who deserves a college education. I have one suggestion about college which I will get to shortly.

The other thing you can do about your home life is to talk to a trusted teacher or your school principal. You are living in a dysfunctional family. This is not good for them or you. I believe this is partly the reason for your low self-esteem and the way you are feeling right now which has the sounds of you being depressed. The teacher or your principal are required to notify the proper agencies to step in and correct what is wrong at home so you can excel at school.

The agency most effective in correcting what is wrong at home is Child Welfare Services. They would be most interested in you and your disabled sister regardless of her age. Your 23 year old brother is an adult and would be seen as such capable of caring for himself.

Children of different sexes must, under the law, have different bedrooms regardless of age. A reason why your brother is sleeping in the living room with your mother. Something CWS will not like either. Your sister being disabled may have special needs that require her own room.

Whatever is wrong at home CWS can force your parents to make it right. They cannot force your father to pay attention to you though they can force him to do what is right under the law for you.

By talking to a trusted teacher or your principal things at home could be made better for you. Which will hopefully make things better at school which is what this is all about. CES can also arrange counseling for you to help with your self-esteem.

Now as to college. I do hope you will be going to college. If you are please do not make the mistake many bright students such as yourself generally make. College is different than high school. This is more independent learning required of you. Your are going to need to manage your time better than you may be doing now. The mistake many students make is to load themselves up with course the first semester or even the first year; This is wrong.

If you're planning on an early graduation or a double major then plan on taking course over the summer and during intersessions. During the semester year, especially the first year take only the minimum course to be a fully matriculated student which I believe is still 18 credit hours. This will allow you to learn how to best manage your time.

If you find you are having trouble managing your time remember who I am as I can help you with that. Time management is skill that should be taught to all college bound students. I had to learn it for work and I learned it from an expert.

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So I am in my late 20s, i'm a little overweight, partly due to some medication I am on. My doctor says this is normal. I am able to run, walk long distances without puking, passing out etc. Every year when I get my physical and bloodwork done, everything comes back perfect.

My mother treats me like I weigh 600 pounds. She is constantly judging what I eat and making comments about it. I am at the point where I feel extremely uncomfortable eating around her or going out with her. I am comfortable in my own skin but she obviously despises how I look, and has made some pretty nasty comments. I've told her that I'm happy with how I am but she constantly tries to make me see nutritionists or try fad diets.

How can I make her understand that what she is doing is hurtful and depressing?

I agree with missundersmock answer what mom needs is a swift kick in the seat of her pants; or as I call it a "Come to God lecture" from you; by the way I'm in the same boat as you with several medications I take for chronic pain. They all cause weight gain.

You are over 18 an adult and totally responsible for your own well being. If she were my mom what I would say to her is this. Mom if we are to have a continuing reasonably sound mother daughter relationship you have to stop hounding me about my weight. The problem is as I have told you time and time again not totally with in my control which is caused by medication I take.

I have annual physicals which my doctor is pleased with the results as which I am. I am healthy and you should be pleased with that. You constant criticizing of me for something I have no control over is not only demoralizing it is depressing. I will not get depressed over something I cannot control. If you love me you will accept what is. If you cannot then I will have no choice then to limit our time together.

You are the only one unhappy with how I am. My doctor is happy and I am not only happy but comfortable with the way I am. You should be happy that I'm happy. If not that is your problem I am not going to let you bring me down anymore.

Of course you use your own words but they have to be as tough as I have written. I realize at 20 years old standing up to your mother is going to be hard though it is something you must do; not only for your sanity today but to keep mom from controlling your life in the future.

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So recently I got in touch with my father and we didn't talk much because I'm really shy and when I meet new people and it takes awhile for me to get used to them. For christmas he gave me a really expensive gift that I was not expecting and because of it I shielded away even more because it felt kind of like he was trying to buy his way into my life and I have now not talked to him for a couple of weeks not even daring to go on facebook because of him. Today I did dare and I shared a few things and kept the tab open while I went to do other stuff. When I looked back I saw I had a message from him and it said "What, you can't talk to me now?" and now I feel horrible but I also feel he is being rather rude about it and I don't know what to do and if someone could please help me I would be forever grateful.

I gather from you writing that growing up your father was not in your life. That one of you has since sought out the other and made contact. It would be normal for this to be awkward for anyone let alone someone who is basically a shy person.

So the Christmas present he bought you was expensive? Is he trying to buy his way back into your life? He is the only person that knows this answer. There are other possibilities though. Maybe he is just trying to make up for all those Christmases he missed? Maybe he can afford expensive present and this is what he does? I know I can afford expensive gifts and I get great pleasure giving them to people I love. It also could be his way of showing you how happy he is to have you back in his life.

One question; Was your father aware of your birth r was this something your mother hid from him. IF you came as a surprise to him that he had child he was not aware of my last answer may be the most correct. I know I would be very pleasantly surprised to find I had an adult child I was not aware of. OF course I would also be upset with your mom but never at you.

I suggest you write you dad and thank him for his gift. Tell him you were caught by surprise by how lavish his gift was and also a little embarrassed and did not know how to accept it given how recent the two of you have connected. Tell him you would like to get to know him better (if you want to) but it has to be at a pace you are comfortable with as you are a shy person.

You can suggest meeting for coffee or hamburgers at first to just talk and get to know each other. Meeting in public places should be more comfortable for you as they are safer. Once you get to know him better then you can move on to having dinner with him and meeting at his home or yours. I am of course assuming your are an adult and not living with your mom.

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My husband and I have been married for over a year now. He is a spender and I am a penny pincher. However, when it comes to the holidays I like to spend freely. For Christmas he was against having a budget planned so we didn’t know how much we spent on each other. I spent probably over $200 on him. Luckily he left all the price tags on my presents and it amounted to about $80. Perhaps I’m the Grinch but what really bothers me is he spends so much on himself outside of the holidays.
He spends over $200 a month eating out, over the past few months he bought himself a new computer for about $2,000 for his computer games, then another $300 on his other toys per a month. For Christmas I felt he spent more time, money and effort buying for his friends than on me and our families. And I spent more time and effort finding gifts for his and my family.
When these events happen I start dwelling on other things. Like the fact my wedding band cost $35 and I spent over $200 on his. My engagement ring was given to him. When I add up the figures it really gets to me and I start thinking of him as a selfish fat pig. When I bring up the topic of money it turns into hurt feelings and an argument. Maybe I have a justice system complex. I feel left out, hurt, clueless and at a loss what to do.

I know exactly how you feel as I'm the one that takes the time to figure out what to buy people for their birthday and for the holidays. My wife for my birthday unless I ask for something specific I'm lucky if I get a card. For Christmas she will run out and buy me a few shirts and maybe some socks and underwear and calls it Christmas. While she does not spend much money on herself she will spend lavishly on our only child. Who by the earns about 30% more than we do.

Now I married the original coal miners daughter who grew up poor in the coal mining towns of NE PA. The presents she got at Christmas is what she buys me. We can afford to buy them as needed and it is not something you buy at Christmas as I see it.

After 43 years of marriage I finally got tired of these presents and told my wife so. I'm retired I have shirts from past Christmases I haven't worn yet and told my wife so. I told her no more of these type gifts and gave her a Christmas list the same as my son does each year.

Like your husband some of the things that could be bought as presents are things I may buy during the year as while they may be looked at as toys they may also be needed for the work I did. Such as a computer, laptop or tablet.

I have adopted the adage that it is better to give than to get. I do get great pleasure in searching for the right gift, especially for my wife as I am trying to drag her into the 21st century electronic world.

Yes I have gotten depressed in years past having gotten the short end of the stick so to speak. But it is not worth getting sick over. I married her for I love her and she has always been this way. She is the mother of my son and did a great job raising him.

You married your husband because you love him. I assume you knew him before you married him. Is the way he is in gift buying for you a deal breaker worth breaking up your marriage over. Is the fact that your engagement ring was given to him any less meaningful. It just might be that ring was his mothers or grandmothers you don't say how he came by it. If so it could be far more valuable than anything he could have purchased on today's markets.

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I'm feeling terrible. I can't stand my brother any longer. Actually, he lives in another city, and is spending his vacation time at home. Thing is that he won't do anything at home, he doesn't help us with anything and sleeps the whole day! I hate him! How can I cope with this situation? It's aweful, since I don't want to confront him either; I just want him to go away!
Thanks in advance!
(p.s please, I don't want ''adviceman 49'' to reply to this message, I mean it. Thanks again!)

I'm curious why do you not want me to answer your question. I've answered quite a few of you questions. Do you not like my answers or are my answers not what you want to hear. There is a difference. You can answer me in a private message if you wish.

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I'm 24/f. I recently moved out of my house and I am working on my combined masters and doctoral program. I am really trying to gain independence from them because they are controlling, in an extremely unhealthy way. Let me just give you an idea of how unhealthy they are. When my mom gets her nails done with me, and she doesn't like the color that i've picked, she will tell the nail technician to change my color and will make a big stink about it. I have class and work 3 times a week. The other days, I need to study. I have a lot of work.
At home, there is no privacy. I do not even have my own room, which was one of the reasons I decided to go to this university. I needed a place to study. I did not want to go to where I did my undergrad, because they would have expected me to live at home. Yet, they still find ways to control me nearly an hour away.
My mom cries because she says that she doesn't want me to be driving on the expressway. They even went as far as to suggest that I don't have a car with me while I'm over there so that I don't get tempted to drive back. However, I need my car to get to work because although i work for the university, I don't work right on campus. I work about 10 minutes away. On the days that I'm not over there, my mom wants to drive to the university, pick me up, and take me home. She wants me to be home 4 days a week and in my place only 3 days. I think that would be fine if it wasn't so rigid. If I wanted to come back home. But, she wants me home whether I want to be there or not, whether I have a big project or something going on. When I'm home, I don't even have the opportunity go out with friends. They don't want me driving at night, they like for me to be home by 11. Even though I don't have a "curfew," they will blow up my phone. The only way that they are okay with me going out and being out late is if I'm on a date and the guy is driving. Yet, my boyfriend is not allowed in my house because they hate him.
I just feel like they are controlling me so much. I always thought that when I moved out, it would be different. I thought that once I got married, it would be different. But, if they are so controlling, I don't know how to get them to stop. I just want to have a normal life. I don't want to come home at 2 in the morning. I want to come home at 11 or 12, but I'd like to drive. I'm a grown woman. I would like to be able to spend one weekend in my apartment (if I feel like it) and not be dragged out by my hair. I would like to be trusted to drive 40 minutes without my mom crying. I understand worrying, but she hides in bed and cries of hours if I tell her I'm going to make the drive instead of being driven. I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel like life isn't worth living anymore if it's all about them controlling me. I have no peace.

I get the feeling that you might be an only child; would I be correct in that feeling? If so the problem is not you and it is not unique for only children. Parents of only children either don't want to or are afraid to let go. I'm guilty of this myself as I have only one child.

My son is 14 years older than you and I'm always more comfortable and much less worried when he is here with us then in his home 50 miles away. It took time but I learned that I had to let go and let him lead his own life. It's not that I didn't trust him. If I didn't trust him I'd be in a Looney bin by now as he has one of the most dangerous jobs you can have as he is a firefighter/paramedic. It is I just know if he is with me I can protect him more when the reality is he is more capable of protecting me.

That being said what you need to do is stand up to your mother. When you’re having your nails done and she tells the technician to change the color stand up for yourself and say NO this is the color I want. If by chance she is paying and says something like, "Well I'm paying for your nails and this is the color I want." Be prepared to pay for your own nails and say, "In that case I will pay for my own nails and that is the color I have chosen."

You are an adult if you wish to stay in your apartment, do so. Tell your mother you have work or studying to do or you have a date whatever reason you need to stay at YOUR HOME and stay there. If she blows up your phone TURN IT OFF. If she shows up at your door send her home. You are an adult she cannot drag you out of YOUR HOME by your hair. That would be KIDNAPPING and tell her so.

When she cries and asks why are you doing this to her, tell her. Mom I'm and adult entitled to my own life and my privacy. You cannot control me the way you are trying to. If you continue to do so you will force me to take out a protective order against you (this is a threat only). You need help to let go of me so we can have a healthy mother and daughter relationship. Right now our relationship is not healthy for either of us. See a counselor get some therapy before you totally ruin our relationship forever.

Keep repeating this to her and stay the course in taking control of your life. If need be get a protection order; if that is the only way you can take control of your life. The threat of doing so hopefully will be all you need to do.

You have a lot on your plate in going for a combined masters and doctorate. You need the time to do the work and you need the stability in your life to obtain your objectives. Most of all you need to take control of your life or your mother will always control you. The longer you wait to do this the harder it will be.


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I think I want to be a storm chaser, but are my parents going to flip out when I tell them. I know it's my decision, but I don't want to cause them a lot of stress and anxiety. I want to help protect people from bad weather, particularly tornadoes as much as possible. I think I'd be good at it. How would you feel if your kid told you that they wanted to be a storm chaser?

There are many professions out there just as dangerous or more so than what you want to do. If you are properly trained for what you wish to do in life you can limit the danger. Proper training is the key to success in any profession regardless of its danger.

What you want to do is honorable work. As long as I was confident that you were well trained and capable of doing the work. I would be concerned but I would be supportive of you.

My son came to me while he was in high school and told me he wanted to join the Army. This was before the first Gulf war. I met with his recruiter and told him of my concerns. The recruiter told me that the Army had the same concerns and that Recruiters ran a junior boot type camp for future inductees, mainly high school students, to see if they were up to the challenge and really wanted the Army. My son entered the program and excelled. His recruiters told me he was dedicated and had the right stuff to be in the Army and they wanted him. I signed for him to enter at age 17 and he went to Boot Camp while still in High School over summer break.

He was an Army Reservist when he finished high school he finished his training and came home. He then said he wanted to become a Police officer. His military training was as an EOD specialist. MY friends were beginning to believe with his choices he had a death wish. One neighbor could not stand the thought of him becoming a police officer and got him involved in firefighting. Today he is a firefighter/paramedic just a bit safer profession then being a police officer.

I am very proud of the choices he has made and what he has become. My wife and I are very supportive of him. There are many people today alive because he was the paramedic who responded to their call for help, especially a young child, because of his advance training in pediatric care. His part-time job is in a pediatric Emergency room.

Will your parents be scared for you? I'm sure they will. If they are the loving caring parents who have raised someone who wants to help protect people. I believe that like me once they are sure this is what you want and will be happy doing and that you have the training to do so safely they will be supportive of you.

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So recently my cousin came to stay with us for a while and we weren't as close at first but we became like best friends now he is 26 and I am 14(girl) a couple weeks ago he kissed me on the lips. I didn't think anything of it because I thought it was an accident. But now he started rubbing my thighs and back really slowly and kind of sexually then he wanted to kiss me but this time longer. I kissed him anyway because I didn't know what to do. I feel really guilty and dirty afterwards but he seems to be his normal self. Is this ok? Or should I tell someone ?

No it is not okay for two reasons.

First: The fact you felt dirty afterwards. Anything that makes you feel dirty is wrong because you feel dirty doing it. It does not have to be legally wrong as this is but it is wrong for making you feel dirty.

Second: He is 98 years older than you. Kissing you and touching you as he did is statutory rape. You are under the age of consent to consent to be kissed or touched in that manner.

Because he is a family member he is given a certain amount of trust by your parents after all he is their nephew. That does not rule out the fact that he could also be a child predator. The way he kissed you is not right but could be acceptable the first time. The second time was definitely wrong and he had no right to touch you I the manner he did.

I suggest you tell your parents what happened. If your parents pass it off as him just being friendly. Then I suggest you tell a trusted teacher or your school principal. There are rules in place for them to follow when a student tells them of something like this.

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