Member Since:June 18, 2009
Last Update:July 22, 2014
General Sex Questions
aboutThe object of my column will be to help you help yourself by pointing you in the right direction if I can or by supplying you with WEB resources you can use that will help you find the answers your looking for.
hey, am just a girl and am confused, i hate my family for some reasons, which is in my family they are so protective, am from a big family like i live with my dad, my mom passed away 6 years ago but really i can say i live in two house one where my dad is there, and the next one is where my grandma, aunt live. and i have a sister which is in college who everybody loves, don't get me wrong i love her too ,but the problem is when she come everyone acts like i don't exist anymore especially my aunt she always makes me feel bad about my self when she comes she forgets me. am uncomfertable around her, she ignores me even when i say hi like am the adapted child or something,i hate her for that, oh... she see her like a dimond, care for her but when it comes to me she is just like do that, and do this she doesn't even care if am sick, am so tired of this, its so stupid am a highschool senior and i don't think that i deserve this and the other thing is i don' t have confidence with my self with my looks evenso everybody says am beautiful beacuse everybody sees me as little for the reason that i am thin, and have a baby face, i don't have great hair or my hand is rough everything about me i hate. and she have everything that i don't have and my aunt always tell her she is beautiful but she never tell me that i am, so thats not hard to guess how i feel anyway i don't know how to feel anymore so please help!!!
You have presented me with the one question for which we have no answers. To answer this question we need to know more about you and your family then this medium allows.
What I can see from your question is you have self-esteem problems. The problems with your sister could be a case of sibling rivalry, this I cannot say for I do not know either of you. The other things you write about are a perception you have. Though just because you perceive then this way does not make them any less real. If we perceive it then it is real at least to the person perceiving it.
The last line of your question gives me the clue I need as to how to help you the best way I know how,"i don't know how to feel anymore so please help.
The type of help you need is not the type of help we can supply but I do know who you can call and talk to who can supply this type of help. I would like you to call 1-800-668-6868. This is the kids help line were trained counselors re available to talk to you. The call is free, it is anonymous & Confidential and available 24/7. Talking to them one on one for as long as needed is a better way to work through the problems you have presented her.
Please give them a call I know they can be of help to you.
My sister and her boyfriend lost their 3th apartment b/c of poor money management skills. She has the money to pay the bills but doesn't. She and her boyfriend are big spenders. She likes to buy random things while he uses her money for video games and huge flat screen TVs. My sister works full time while her boyfriend is a stay at home dad. My sister has two kids. One from a previous relationship and the youngest one is his.
Her boyfriend's family took them in at first but they got kicked out. From his dad's house and from his older sister's house. My sister said it's b/c they were charging her rent and for babysitting and constantly yelling at her boyfriend to get a job. She said he can't get a job b/c his driver license is suspended and no one can watch the kids.
One day, I went to a dentist and came back home with my mom, suddenly they are at our house with their stuff. She said they are going to stay with us for free for a few months to save money and find their own place.
Since they have moved in without notice, I notice a few things:
The boyfriend doesn't watch the kids, although she claims he does. They make my older niece, 8, take care of her sister, 2. When the 2 year old cries they ignore it. If she doesn't stop they make the 8 year old hold her. The 8 yr. old admits to me that she dislikes her sister and wants to get away from her.
After my sister goes to work, he keeps finding excuse to leave the house to go somewhere in her car, she leaves him her car and carpools to work with my mom, and don't come back for hours. We live a few blocks from a police station and he's driving without a license. He's going to get arrested again. I have been babysitting the kids since they got there. When he comes back he plays video games all day. He doesn't even stop to feed the kids lunch or dinner. I make it for them.
We have a hallway bathroom but he uses the one in my bedroom. It's making my mom feel uncomfortable. He's walking in and out of my bedroom without asking or like it even matters. She watches the news a lot and is paranoid that he's going to hurt me or worse. She wants me to lock my door at all the times now.
I am starting college part time next month and going to work full time. I'm worried about what's going to happen to the kids when I'm not there. Like who is going to feed them and watch them? I told my sister about her boyfriend being irresponsible and my concern over the kids but she always makes excuse for him and brushes it off. I know it's their business and I don't want to get involve. I'm only worried about the kids.
GiddyGeezer is correct; child protective services (CPS) is going to have to be called. You do not have to wait for you mother to call, you can call and you should. First and foremost are the proper care of those children. Like all children they did not ask to be brought into this world. Your sister and her boyfriend(s) brought them into this world. They are responsible for them and they should be their first priority. Not out buying random things and video games or having others be responsible for them. Is your sister getting child support for the first child for its father? If not make sure to tell CPS as the father is required in almost every state to pay child support.
As for her boyfriend driving. His license was suspended for good reason I'm sure, he should not be on the road. If he were to be in an accident and it is found that your sister voluntarily left her car for him to use; she would be wholly responsible for all cost involved as the insurance company would not pay. I suggest you advise the local police station and let them arrest him for driving without a license. Let it be a lesson to him and a wake up call to his responsibilities to himself and others.
As to your sisters money management skills. Some people just cannot manage money. Money literally burns a hole in their pocket. You could offer to manage her finances for her. She would need to have her paycheck directly deposited into a checking account you and only you control or bring her check to you un-cashed each payday. You would give her a weekly cash allowance. She could not have any credit cards or even the Debit Card that comes with the checking account.
You would pay all her bills and her rent. Part of her allowance would be for groceries. You could speak with the children's doctors where if she needs to have them see the doctor you could arrange for the doctor to directly debit the account for any co-pay.
Once you explain the reason I believe the doctors office or billing office would make this arrangement with you. You could do the same with her doctors. This would not be new to some doctors as there are patients whose finances are handled by conservators. For the pharmacy copay they would probably have to call you to get the Debit card number unless you were willing to allow them to keep it on file.
This looks like a huge burden on you. It is and it isn't. Once you know what her bills are the monthly revolving bills can be paid on line from the bank's online bill payment system. You set up each payee with how much and when you want the bill paid and the bank either sends a check or makes a wire transfer. For the other bills you can still use the bank to make payment but you will have to set them up individually and enter the amounts each time you have a bill from one of them. This is how I pay most of my bills.
I have my checking account linked to my savings account just incase I make a mistake and do not put enough funds in the checking account to cover outgoing payments or my use of the debit card. In this way I never overdraw the account.
Since starting this decades ago I rarely write a check and the post office is not getting rich over the half dozen items I mail a year.
This is the type of help you offer your sister. You do not offer free rent as this is an enabling benefit she does not need. I would also suggest that she take parenting classes, something I believe CPS is going to insist upon.
As the saying goes advice is easy to give. Getting someone to follow advice is something like getting a horse to the water, you may not be able to get it to drink. Still you must try and in this case if only for the benefit of the children.
I have two children. My husband walked out on us a year ago. He does not paid child support I did file. I work a full time job. Making okay money. My oldest has some disabilities. I have a boyfriend that I am not in love with. I was blessed to be able to live with family for a while. It was very crowded and pretty stressful for everyone involved. I moved out into a house close to my dad's. He takes me to work because I still haven't been able to afford a car. My kids have their own rooms now. We are walking distance from the school. I am absolutely miserable living with my boyfriend. I feel my attitude ttowards him comes off as hateful even though I don't mean to be. I don't like when he puts his arm around me and normally I love that He works he's very sarcastic I'm not judge mental on looks but I feel there has to be some kind of connection and it's just not there at all. We've talked about it I don't think I could afford to live here on my own and if I did it would be a very tight on bills. I'm just unsure of what I should do
IF you filed for child support and your ex husband is not paying then you need to take him back to court. You ask the court to order him to pay child support and to pay whatever he owes in back support. You also ask that the court attach his paychecks and the funds being sent to the court to distribute to you. If he fails to notify the court of changes in employment so the attachment follows he can go to jail.
Most every state has strict laws governing child support and there are federal laws as well. Contact your divorce attorney and have him bring your ex back to court to be forced to pay child support since voluntary child support does not seem to be working.
It is my belief that once the child support starts coming in on a regular bases the other problem you speak of will either be seen in a different light as a major stress has been removed or you will be able to deal with them better.
Right now you see your boyfriend as a necessary evil to deal with as you cannot live in any degree of comfort without him. Once the child support and the arrears are coming in the stress of that situation will change and so may your perception.
My advice is to call your lawyer first thing in the morning.
I am engaged to the most wonderful woman I could ever be blessed with. We are planning to get married in December. Now the problem is her mom. She's the youngest of three and she lives with her mom to help take care of her. Her mom is pretty stubborn and she needs to have canned Pepsi, cigarettes, and weed. My fiance pays for all of that despite the fact that she works part time for minimum wage. Her mom doesn't take that into consideration and will go thru her stuff so fast. Leaving my fiance with no money. I'm scared we won't be able to get our own place at this rate. Her mom will already make her feel guilty for moving out. I try to tell her to put her foot down so we can save money but she says there's no point. She's stressed and struggling and I hate seeing her this way. Especially since its her mom. I feel like it's putting a strain on our relationship. What should I do to save our love?
For right now I would suggest that you shelve any discussion about what to do with the mother of your bride to be until after the wedding. Your Bride to be is under enough stress just planning her own wedding, she doesn't need any additional stress. Just tell her this is something that will have to be addressed after the wedding by the two of you and her two siblings.
As I see it her two siblings are being grossly unfair in not sharing the financial responsibilities for their mother. What you can and should do today, unless you live in a state that has recently decimalized weed, is you tell your future mother in-law that your bride is no longer going to pay for her weed or provide it to her. She will have to meet with the dealers and pay for it herself starting today. That is something I think you and your bride can agree upon if she is doing the supplying. You can't get married if she is caught buying moms weed and sent to jail.
After the wedding you sit down with the two sibling for a talk. What I would tell them is that their free ride is over. If they have not been sharing in the financial burden then its their turn to take on the responsibility while you and your wife get you life together settled and on a firm financial footing. They have had that opportunity and now it is her turn.
So I'm a 14 year old girl and my family and I moved from Pennsylvania to New Jersey 4 months ago. At first the transition was difficult, changing schools at end of the school year and all of that (it's summer break now) but I'm a friendly person and I make friends quite easily. So for the first moth we were here I was cutting my arms and crying at night, just straight up depressed, and then I was ok after I got control and started getting use to this place. But now I'll I want to go back to Pennsylvania. My stage of being alright was temporary. I want to start cutting again but I'm trying not to, I cry every night and I'm getting into depression. I don't know why this is coming back again and I know that I'll never be happy here in New Jersey. I don't complain though because I don't want to hurt my parents. My friends here are great and all but I just want my old ones back. My family and I move around a lot but we ended up staying in the last place for a long time, that's why I'm so broken up. My dad was making a joke out of moving to New Jersey the other day. Here's how it went:
Dad: so do you like it here yet?
Dad: will you ever?
Dad:well we'll move again like always. Tell me when you have sine good friends and we'll move. (Whole family laughs, but I have to hold back tears for the rest if the car ride).
I don't think he meant to make the joke sound mean, he doesn't realize how hard this is for me because like I says, I try not to complain too much. So how do I cope with all these feelings and what can I do? (And it's not like we can move back to Pennsylvania, my dad's company wants him to run a store in New Jersey).
I don't think your dad was trying to be mean with the joke he told. I think he was trying to make you laugh and it came out all wrong. It is unfortunate but some dads jobs have them moving to where the work is or the alternative is the family stays in one spot and dad lives away from home for long periods of time.
Every family handles this type of work differently as does the requirements of the employers. Your parents and or dads employer have made the decision or made a requirement that the family will move when dad needs to be moved. The belief is children are more resilient and can deal with the changes easily.
Some children deal with these moves easier than others. Older children, teenager, have more trouble with moves than younger children because this is the age they start socializing in an this is when they form their social circles in school. Once these circles are formed it is hard for an outsider to break into them.
So far I've told you what you already know. Cutting is not going to make things any better. In fact parents are aware of how hard moving is on older children though they have to do what has to be done in order to provide for the family. I know somewhat of a contradiction here but keep reading.
Cutting is dangerous; you could cut in the wrong place or to deep and end up in the hospital or worse. Mom and dad will find out you are cutting eventually that I can promise you as an adult and a parent. You cut because you are hurting and depressed and you do not have to be either.
You can get help for your depression and mom and dad will learn how hurt you are by this latest move. I can't promise you they won't be angry they will be but mostly because they will be scared and they will be angry at themselves for not seeing this. Unfortunately you will be in the line of fire of the anger at first. They will calm down and they will do what needs to be done to help you. I doubt you can move back though maybe visits can be arranged. When next dads asked to move and you are even older he might ask to hold off on this move as it is too upsetting on his children to move at this time.
BY not being honest with your parents and getting yourself depressed to the point of cutting, you are hurting yourself and them. Sure from dads joke he knows you don't like to move but I don't feel he knows how deeply these moves may be hurting you.
My advice is to tell your parents about the cutting. They know cutting is a sign of depression. They will get you help for that. Be honest with them and tell them how deeply these moves hurt. What they may see is a happy young girl that doesn't like to move but makes friends easily. You need to tell them how you're really feel.
He went to take a picture of a total stranger...who objected. I advised. perhaps he needed to see if they objected first then proceed. He took the picture and responded to her ."I guess this will be between us...instead of apologizing. When I tried to suggest what might have happened or how to prevent this in the future...he ended up calling me a f...ing b.....not once but several times...He then believed the tires on the vehicle were going to be slashed so he ran to the vehicle. This dove tails into my repeated requests...not to be hit with a drumstick or be called a whore which he laughs He has had no job in years...contributes what he wants... He went off on my daughter last weekend...with a similar attack. I am tired of the disrespect, rudeness and abuse... Yes, I am well educated, a professional with a license...and one doesn't need a medical license to make this diagnosis.
Did I miss an original post. Is this an explanation of an or the original post. In either case I do agree with everything Razhie has written.
I will add that there is really not enough information in this post to label this person as being bipolar or a narcissist. I will say that it appears he is an abusive ass. I cannot understand why you would stay with someone like him. No one should put up with being disrespected, rude to or abused, well educated or not.
My advice is to show this person where the door is and tell him not to let it him in the ass on the way out.
So my mom has a boyfriend that she's had for 13 years now. He has a son that i do not think of as a brother.i have had a crush on him for many years now. His son in a few years older then me, but I'm also over 18. I would like to tell him that i have had a crush on him n think sexual thoughts about him at night. We don't see each other very often but I'm dying to know if he feels that kinda way about me. Im not sure about it because some signals he sends seems like he's flirting but I'm not positive. I don't know how to ask him or tell him. Please help me somebody.
If your mom and his dad are not married then he is not your step brother in the legal sense of the term. Even if they were there is no blood relation so any thoughts of incest are not founded which could be the reason you and he may be having trouble getting together. No blood relation, no incest.
You’re both over 18 so you can do whatever you like regardless of your parents situation. How would you co about approaching any other boy you might like to get to know better? If you have ever approached another boy to get to know him then I suggest you do so in the same manner with this guy? Do not treat him as a step brother; do not look at him as a step brother. Treat him as if he is any other guy.
In fact this is your opening. Start with; "you know _ _ _ _ we really are not step anything just two people whose parents know are in a great relationship." "Because of their relationship you and I know each other quite well and I don't know how you feel about me but I would really like to see if we have anything more than the relationship we have that comes from our parents’ relationship." Use your own words but pretty mush straight and two the point. If you know each other as well as well as I think you may then you should be able to have this type of conversation.
He may be thinking like you that you’re his step sister. Many people think that any relationship that might lead to a sexual relationship or even marriage between step children is incest. They are wrong and you may have to point this out to him. In fact it is my understanding that incest only can occur between siblings, parents, Aunts, Uncles and first cousins.
My advice is to talk to him and be as straight forward as you are comfortable being with him. He may feel the same way about you and like you just unsure how to approach you either.
So my family - my mom, brother, and my friend all live in a one bedroom apartment. We've lived like this for 3 years this month. But my brother has recently told us that he wants to live by himself. Either he keeps the apartment and we move out or he will move out and we keep the apartment. So me and my friend were thinking about getting a place together. But my mom wants to move with us too. But I really dont want her to. I really dont want to live with my friend either, I just want my own space but someone to go half with on bills would be nice. But my mom would have nowhere else to go. She got fired from her a job a couple of months ago and she has bad knees and hips. She also has a drug habit. So shes trying to get disability. And my friend has a job but she also doesnt pay her bills on time. For the last 4 months she's given my brother like 200 total for rent. She makes enough to pay him. But she spends it on food (eating out) and buying she really doesn't need. They both dont like to clean. I also dont want extra baggage I just idk I feel like its mean but I also feel like I should give them a chance. I also dont want my mom to get comfortable because I dont want live her forever. Any suggestions???
If your mothers drug habit is known to her doctors they are required to report that as part of her medical history to Social Security. Being a drug addicted person, even if it is to prescription drugs, Social Security will not approver her for disability.
Keeping her with you will be an enabling event one which is not in her best interest. Instead you and your brother should inform her that her only option is rehab or find someone else to care for her and take her in. This is called tough love but it may just save her life.
As for you and finding your own place. I understand the desire to have someone to share the bills with. This doesn't mean you have to do so with your friend. There are any number of different ways to find roommates. The local and daily newspapers in the personal sections have listings for roommates wanted. Many of which already have an apartment you can move into. Then there is the Internet and different sites that are available to finding a roommate.
Some real estate companies offer to assist in finding roommates as well. This service is a fee for service option. What is good about the service is they have vetted the roommates for compatibility so there is less chance of moving in with someone you won't get along with; such as someone who is a night owl to your being a day person example.
I didn't know how else to title my question, but what I mean is that my granddad, who is very hard of hearing, says insulting things about people not knowing that they can hear him. Since he can't hear well, he doesn't realize how loud he's being, but he's usually speaking at a normal voice volume.
We are caucasian and I don't think of myself as being racist. I don't think my granddad dislikes people of other races either, but he doesn't seem to think very highly of them. However, he definitely IS prejudice against homosexuals and I bite my nails every time one's around him because I'm worried about what he'll say to them.
Once a couple months ago, he, my mom, and I were eating lunch out after having taken him to the doctor. Our waiter was African American and a little goofy, but he was very sweet and a great waiter. Apparently earlier while I was in the waiting room at the doctor's, my mom and granddad were being seen by an African American homosexual male nurse. At lunch, just as our waiter was walking off, my granddad said, "Well, this must be my day for (gay slur) black guys." He said it where the guy could hear him, but although I was embarrassed, I'm glad he said black guys and not a certain racial slur that he uses a lot.
Not too long ago, my mom took him to the eye doctor and there were apparently a lot of other elderly people in the waiting room. My granddad is almost 82 and makes a lot of old jokes about himself. At the eye doctor's office, he leaned over in my mom's ear and said about the other people in the waiting room, "These people are all older than I am." At which time every one turned and stared at them.
He means for these things to be jokes and I think it hurts his feelings if you don't laugh, but I know he can be insulting and even hurtful at times. I know the obvious thing to do is just to tell him, but I don't think it'll help. He can't hear well enough to know how loud he is. What should I do?
If your grandfather is not suffering from any form of dementia you should, if you are caring and polite in talking to him. To get him to understand that some of the things he says are not or may not acceptable to others. That he needs to understand that modern acoustics being what they are to day, another way of saying he is loud, our voices travel farther than we may intend them too and others may be insulted unintentionally.
Then if you want you can also tell him that some of the words or phrases he uses are hurtful to you. As they are no longer used in polite society. You may want to be prepared to explain to him why this is so.
Being 82 is not considered all that old. But being 82 says he is probably pretty set in his ways so be prepared to have to remind him from time to time. In fact if your grandfather is agreeable to trying to change see if you can't chose a word to say to remind him when you're out that he has said something he shouldn't.
I have relatives that went to UK, they had fun, without me. Of course I got jealous, they're happy while I'm left out, now that they're back in the US, some of my UK raised relatives came over, they went to the beach, to expensive restaurants and parks, I wasn't there... They invited us for a dinner, but it was sad and empty, the rest of their vacation, we're not invited, now that you're reading this I want you to make me feel less bad, you know give advice on how to be close again, since we lied to each other, how could we be close again, I love them, but I think they don't... Should I forget about it? Or say sorry about the lies?
There is not enough information here to answer your question. Why did you not go to the UK with the relatives? Were you not invited or id you refuse for reasons such as monetary. Same question as for when the UL relatives came here. Were you not invited to join in or did you refuse for other reasons including monetary ones?
Having this information would be of great help to me in answering your question. You can leave me a private message if you wish and I will answer you.
my stepdad is always telling me to lower my voice even when I am not that loud me my mom and him went to logans roadhouse and it was so loud he never had a problem with it but when I started to talk he would tell me to lower my voice I hate that he needs to shut up leave me alone and get a hearing aid
I understand your complaint. Understand he is your step dad and if he feels you are loud enough that others may overhear your side of a conversation then you should lower your voice. You owe him that respect just for the fact that he is your stepdad. If in all other respects he is a good or great step dad and this is your only problem count yourself lucky and thank him for being a great step dad.
Not all men make great dads and even fewer make great step dads. We get letters every day about abusive dads and step dads that make your complaint not even on the radar. I know you don't like being told to lower your voice, I don't like being told to lower my voice. Understand others hear us better than we hear ourselves so when he asks you to lower your voice just do as he ask and be thankful all he does is asks you.
I've been engaged since September of last year. My fiancé's sister just got engaged a month ago. My wedding is in September 2015. Her fiancé wants to have the wedding in May 2015. They have only been dating for 2 years. My fiancé and I have been together for 7 years. We were going to get married this year but I've had a lot of medical complications. I'm upset about that fact they want to get married before us and want to take away our thunder. I think it's rude and disrespectful. His parents originally said they would stand up for us and tell her to wait and now they don't want to. My fiancé and I are getting into fights about this. We are suppose to talk to his sister and fiancé but honestly I'm so upset. Don't know what to do.
I do not see them stealing your thunder by getting married in May. May and June are the two biggest months of the year followed by December, specifically New Years Eve, for weddings.
There will be four months between weddings and no reason why those family members on his side should have to chose between which wedding to attend. There is no reason why each of you cannot be in the others wedding party.
I don't know either of you but I did grow up with a younger sister. My sister became engaged while I was still in the Air Force. She did not want to put her wedding off six months until I was discharged and would be home for the wedding.
You see she had always planned, since she was young, to have a June wedding and wanted to marry the June before I was discharged from the Air Force. I was stationed in southeast Asia at the time and not an easy place to get home from. With a little help from the Air Force and a lot of help from my First Sergeant a few days in advance of her wedding.
I tell you this story for your future sister in-law may have been planning a May or June wedding long before she met your future brother in-law. To ask her to postpone her plans is not right.
Now what you could do if you are interested and if she is in agreement is to share the day by having double wedding. From my way of thinking this would be a great way for the both of you to bring your two families together.
If she is not interested then I don't see her stealing your thunder. Your day as I said is four months after and is as much for your family as it is for his. You will still have the thunder you deserve.
Alright, well here I go.
I'm about the age your grandfather would be so I am going to offer you some grandfatherly advice.
I think you should call your dad more often. My reason is the same why I don't call my son as often as maybe I should.
You probably have a cell phone correct. So does my son, it is his only phone; he does not see a reason to have a landline phone. My son is a paramedic/firefighter and I know his work schedule and I could call him at work but being a former firefighter myself, you never know when you will be on a call.
When he is not working, is he home, out riding his motorcycle, on a date, or just what he may be doing and I don't want to disturb him. With us older folks most of us even if we have cell phone we are reluctant to give up that landline we grew up with. I know when I'm home I turn my cell phone off so it is the land line most people use to call me.
Is your dad like this? If so you can leave him a message as most of us do have some type of answering service these days. Where as if you call his cell phone and it is off he may not get the message until he turns it back on. If you also have a landline phone at home he may be reluctant to call for mom may answer and he may not want to speak with her.
These are the reasons why it is better for you to call dad. I suggest you call dad and find out when during the week it is convenient for both of you to be on the phone with each other. Then get in the habit of calling him. I know for a fact that you will make him feel better and you will too. When parents divorce the non-custodial parent is always concerned with how the children are doing and if they can still have a relationship with their children or if that relationship has been poisoned by the divorce.
Your making the effort to call your dad will make him very happy. Your phone call will also allow you to maintain a relationship even if you can't visit him as often as you might since he had to move away.
My cousin is making me feel really uncomfortable. Today we went to my uncles house to watch the soccer match (FIFA 2014) so I was feeling ok. I went to my cousin and asked him a favor if he could download me a movie and pass it to my USB. He said ok so I went upstairs with him and at first he acted all right he asked how i was at school...... Then all of sudden he grabbed my waist pulled me to him closer each time and started touching my back softly! Then he grabbed my hand and kissed it and started like touching my back again it felt disgusting! He asked me if I feel uncomfortable and of course I said YES! Then he left and I just stood there feeling Ughh ! I don't want to tell my parents! Please what else can I do? Help me!
What your cousin did was wrong and I urge you to tell your parents. He stopped when you told him you were uncomfortable. Maybe he stopped because you are a relative and he feared if he went further you would run downstairs and tell his parents or yours. What about the next girl he try's this with and he very well may try this with another girl who many not be so lucky as you were and he rapes her.
This is very possible as this is the behavior of a potential sexual predator. While he will get in trouble should your parents tell his parents. It is the right type of trouble for him to get into for hopefully his parents will also see to it he gets the proper help before he really hurts some other girl and maybe goes to prison.
I'm not writing this to scare you; this is what could happen. Some guys a wired to think they can take whatever they want when they want it, including sex thinking the girl is asking for it. His thinking may have been that your going up to his room was you wanting him sexually. He was wrong but that may have been how he saw it. He needs help and he won't get it if you remain silent.
Tell your parents what happened.
You give very good advice but it's hard to explain so much in a short summary so I apologize for the lack of detail. I would just like to verify though that I do respect Carlos, because yes, I do understand that he was willing to take me into his home and I do appreciate it. But my idea of being rude was that as he was yelling at me, I literally just sat there silently and I didn't look him in the face. I couldn't. When he asked me a question, I just said, "mhm" instead of "yes". I didn't backtalk him, or say anything mean. So just incase I misled you on the way I handled that problem, that may have changed your view a bit. He isn't abusive physically, but he is mentally and psychologically. He calls my mom fat all the time, and makes fun of her weight. She has never been so insecure of herself and it makes me mad that he's more aggressive than supportive of her weight loss (and she's not even close to obese, she may be 10 pounds overweight). He also makes her feel stupid because he asks her questions that no one would ever know the answer to but him, and when she doesn't know the answer, he makes fun of her. And if she asks a question about anything just because she wants to know, he makes her feel so bad about herself that she should know that, everyone knows that, and she's just uneducated. He makes her feel inferior to him, which is something no one has ever been able to do to her. Everyone who's comfortable enough to talk to me about this say my mom seems like a different person and that she always looks sad. I don't disagree. She used to be one of the happiest people I knew.
He has been home from work a lot for the past few months while my mom has been working about 12 hours straight each day. He will sit at home on his computer ALL day EVERY day and not do anything so that when my mom comes home tired, he makes her cook him dinner, clean up after him, and clean up the house. I have lived with him for a year now and I have not ever, not once, seen him pick up a pot or a broom. He bosses her around all day, tells her to do everything because he's too lazy to do it..and she listens! He treats her like she's a dog. Also, he talks crap about everyone in my moms family including my brother, his fiance, and my dad who he's met twice. He has absolutely no right to talk about them. But since he does, he makes my mom think it too and she begins to grow hatred towards them and now she doesn't even want to see any of them anymore. They haven't given her a good reason for her to hate them. But obviously he doesn't like to share my mom with anyone so it was his plan all along to push them all away. Now, my aunt, my cousins and my grandma won't even see us that often unless he's gone. Is there anything suspicious about that? My mom is the only one who likes him, but it's not even for the right reasons. I asked her before she married him if it was because she really loved him, or because she has no money. Her reply: "We have no where else to go." I would have rather lived with my aunt like she offered countless times. She's not happy, I'm not happy, no one is. I just feel so trapped. But if I leave to my dad's, she probably won't ever talk to me again. And I can't lose my mom.
I apologize for the delay in getting back to you. I am only available to answer question in the morning. I do appreciate you writing back with a bit more information as it makes things a bit clearer.
I believe I understand your concerns and from what you have written they are valid concerns. It appears your stepfather has an ego problem. I sure hope the mannerism he shows at home is not reflective of his cockpit management as it appears it might be. As cockpit management today and his home life are 180 degrees out. If so he is seriously endangering his aircraft and passengers.
As for your mom; she is what I believe is suffering as a battered woman. Whether she believes this or not the problem is compounded by the fact that she may not be willing to have another failed marriage in her life. Therefore she makes excuses or accepts her husband's abuses.
People in your mother's situation, be they a battered spouse or an alcoholic they will not accept help or advice until they hit bottom. Everyone's bottom is different just where your mothers bottom will be I can't say. Hopefully it won't be in a hospital or a court of law.
The best advice I have for you at this time is for you to do what is best for your first. If that means moving in with you dad then do so. Explain to mom why you are doing so and tell her you will always be there for her. You need to continue to be supportive of her and for her but from a far.
This would also be a good time to tell her that you cannot be in the middle between her and your brother. You tell her that you love both of them and you cannot be in the middle between them as it is to hurtful for you. Hopefully she will understand.
There is no support groups for children of battered parents that I am aware of. I'm think though that the problem of getting the abused person to realize they are in trouble and that there are alternatives is not that different from those who suffer with substance abuse. For those families there is a support group called al anon and alateen. You might get some ideas on how to help your mother by attending some al alateen meetings. below is the URL for al alateen's directory to find a meeting in your area.
To sum it all up, my mom remarried a man she knew for a year after being married to my dad for about 30 years. This was only 2 years after they got divorced and at the time of the second marriage, we were struggling FINANCIALLY (By the way, the man, Carlos, is a WEALTHY pilot...you can understand where I'm going with this). Anyways, my brother and I liked him at first, but obviously that didn't last very long.
My brother eventually grew so much hatred towards Carlos that refuses to come visit us or see us unless he's gone on one of his trips. This aggravates my mom because she doesn't understand why my brother hates him so much, even though we've explained it to her countless times. She will always take Carlos' side rather than her son's and obviously that pisses him off.
I can't even start to explain why we have so much resentment towards Carlos because there's just too many things to say, but because of him, my brother and my mom are always mad at each other. Then, they talk to me about each other and I'm just stuck in the middle of all the arguments. I'm 18 now and I have my own car so I'm usually never home because honestly, I just can't stand to be here. But yesterday, my mom and Carlos got into a fight with me (one of the first nights in over a week that I actually decided to come home early and eat dinner with them) so I was being pretty nasty cause he was already pissing me off and now I don't even want to come home at all. The worst part of it is, I have the most guilty conscious ever and whenever I'm rude to someone, I feel like shit afterwards. So right now even though they treated me unfairly, I still feel like crap for talking back. Atleast to my mom. (And by the way, I never got into fights with anymore, never got into trouble, never disobeyed my parents, never talked back..till I moved in with him.) So now I'm just angry, upset, depressed, all of the above, and I just don't know what to do anymore and I don't know what's right or wrong. I can go live with my dad or my brother and feel guilty for leaving my mom (and probably become like my brother) OR, I can just suck it up for two years till I move away to a college that's a few hours away. What should I do? :(
Not knowing exactly what the problem is the advice I can offer is going to be limited.
First: Understand it is wrong of your mother and brother to put you in the middle. I understand they both feel the need to explain themselves to someone and see you as the conduit to the other. Still it is not right to use you in this manner and is probably causing more problems with your stepfather than you should have of your own.
Second: Legally you are an adult know. With being an adult comes certain rights and responsibilities. While you may be an adult you still are dependent on your parents for most of your basic needs. Call this being an adult with training wheels.
Now regardless of whether you live with your mom and stepdad or with your father. When you live under someone's roof dependent on them for that roof then you must be respectful of their rules. Some how I feel this is part of the problem. IF Carlos is providing for you needs while you live under his roof then you owe him a certain amount of respect for doing so as he has no legal need to do so. He is doing so out of love and respect for your mom and in his own way for you.
That is about all I can tell you as to what to do without knowing the full story or even parts of it. If living with Carlos is so unbearable for you, you do have an alternative to live with your dad.
Even though it may hurt your mom you do have a right to be happy. While there was a custody agreement in place you had no choice; you lived where the court ordered. You're 18 now and that agreement is no longer in effect. If your dad is willing to let you live with him then do so. Just explain to your mother why. Fact is she married Carlos, you and your brother did not and you do not have to love him. You should respect him though if he is being kind a caring to your mother and not abusive in any way.
Most important is for you to tell both your mother and brother that you refuse to be a conduit between them any longer. To do so will make your life much happier and you relationship with your mom better in many ways. I would venture to say it would even improve your relationship with Carlos.
I'm a 15 year old girl, and my boyfriend is 17. We've been dating for 6 months, which I know is a short while for what we did.
A few days ago, we were fooling around (not having sex) and we got really worried that I might be pregnant. Looking back on it, there was absolutely no way that it could have happened, but we got concerned and purchased a Plan B pill. For some reason, I saved the receipt and my mom found it. She got highly upset and yelled for a while, refusing to listen to my apologies or let me explain what happened. Then, she made me tell my dad explicitly what happened between my boyfriend and I and then forced me to break up with him, and to never see or talk to him again.
I know that this seems a lot like teen angst and maybe it is, but I haven't had the energy or motivation to get up or do anything except sleep or cry ever since it happened. I know that I shattered my parents' trust and that I broke their hearts, and I can't begin to tell them how sorry I am for that.
I know that regaining my parents' trust is my first priority, and that after that I may be allowed to see him again. What can I do to show them that I'm truly sorry, and that I am a child that can be trusted?
This is going to take time. One reason you are banned from seeing your boyfriend is your parents know that he is at the very least 50% responsible for what they assume happened.
There is no way to prove to your parents you still a virgin if you're a virgin. Even your doctor cannot tell. All a doctor can tell them is whether or not your Hymen is still intact. A missing Hymen does not mean a girl is not longer a virgin. Also your parents, now that you are 15 cannot force this type of examination on you for under a law called HIPPA you have total confidentiality over your reproductive system. No doctor will perform this procedure unless you consent.
Give your parents some time to recover from what they assume happened. while you're waiting for them to calm down you can earn their trust back by being where you say you will be. If you go someplace else call and get permission. Be home when you say you will be home or when you are told to be home. If for some reason you are going to be late call and tell them. Be helpful around the house without being asked.
You did good by not trying to lie your way out of this such as say it wasn't for you but you purchased it for a girl friend. This has to be points in your favor. As the saying goes; time heals all wounds and time will heal this. Just give mom & da time to calm down then you can talk to them about what has happened just do not rush it as this is one of those wounds that they will need more time to get over than other types of wounds.
I had to move in with family last August. I am going threw a divorce which is completely paid for just waiting on paper work. I work very hard. I work full time raising my two children alone. During the divorce my ex took everything and left me alone with the kids. I don't mind I got the better end of the deal. However it has made starting over difficult. We finally have every thing we need to move into a new home. Except a vehicle. I have been dating a guy for several months 7 to be exact we've talked about living together he has a good job he just started about a month ago. He doesn't have kids. He has a very sarcastic personality he makes time to just stop by and sit and talk how ever we had taking about not getting gifts for each other this year for birthdays how ever I still got him something and he didn't get me anything. I don't care about things but it kinda hurt. For no reason he was gonna buy me flowers said the store didn't have any so wrote on a piece of paper iou flowers.. why ever tell me ? Which I no the store has them it's a 24 hour store he went to and they always have them right when you walk in. I just feel I'm leaning more toward getting a place alone with my kids just looking for some advice someone to talk to about this
I cannot give you any real justification for my feelings other than I believe you need more time before you get into a serious relationship. Right now with the divorce still not totally settled, waiting for the final papers. You are still suffering from the upheaval of the divorce without the real closure the final papers will bring. Then you need time to mourn your divorce which I do not believe you have done yet.
To my mind the guy you're seeing is a rebound affair. Someone to hold on to. Someone to provide some form of stability in what is still a sea of instability. He is not a good match for you and I believe you know it but he is providing something you have needed during the turmoil of your divorce. Which by the way is what you tell him when you give him his walking papers.
Once you have the closure of the final papers take some time for yourself. From what little you said about your Ex I have reason to believe you may be suffering from abused spouse syndrome. Your Ex did not have to physically abuse you. Mental abuse is just as abusive and far more harmful. I would go so far as to suggest you seek the advice of a therapist, someone like a psychologist to talk with. You would be surprised how cathartic it is to open up and relieve yourself to a complete stranger of all these things and then let then help you heal.
Most importantly you need some time to relax and heal once you receive the final papers. If possible maybe a family member will look after your children for a week or two while you take a well deserved vacation. Cruises can be very inexpensive if you book late and they are very, very good at pampering their guests. Something you both need and will enjoy.
As for a car, buying a new car may not be affordable. I suggest you look into leasing one. It is much more economical to lease for 2 to 3 years and at the end of the lease you have the option to purchase the car for the about the same cost as you are paying for the leasing.
I’m 23 yrs. He’s 33 yrs.
A few days ago, I suddenly get a call in my mom’s phone from some online gambling game company. They wanted to know why my account has been inactive. I don’t gamble and have no idea what they are talking about. I asked them to verify my information. They have my first and last name, my mom’s phone number, and my brother’s email address. My mom barely knows how to work the computer. I think it was my brother who did this but I want to give him the benefit of the doubt. My brother called me one day with an attitude b/c he wanted to talk to my other brother who isn’t home. He gave me one of his lectures about how naïve I am, which always leaves me upset. I asked him about the online gambling company and the fact that I know it was him. He admitted to using my name and started defending himself. He’s reasons: it was a time ago and is it hurting your financials? When I told him I am hurt by his stealing my identity, he went off on me. He tried to flip it around. He’s saying he’s hurt by me being angry over something this little. We hang up the phone. He called me back a few minutes later and apologized to me. I don’t think he wants to be in bad terms with me since he is currently in prison. Before that, he had a falling out with most of our siblings. Very few of us still talk to him on the phone, visit him, and send him books.
In the past, he had stolen my debt card and went shopping with it, spending over $300. Now, I have my card with me at all times. I knew it was strange when he suddenly gave me $200 out of the blue. When I got my bank statements it showed someone had purchased clothing and had massages. I was the one picking him up from a massage parlor twice a week. I thought it was strange how he would tell me to pick him up down the street, preventing me from seeing the parlor’s sign. I finally drove pass it one day and saw the name. It matched the one on my bank statement. I was so angry. My mom reminded me that he paid me back and I should let it go. I did but I asked him about it once but he denied everything and claimed it was someone else. I would give him money if he asked me. I hate that he would steal from me. Now, he is doing it again. I don’t know what to say to him. He is very manipulative and uses his authority as the oldest to control everyone or gain their sympathy. It seems that I constantly have to turn a blind eye to his bad behavior and let him walk all over me. I’m scared that one day I won’t be able to take him anymore and snap at him. What should I do?
The first thing you need to do is to notify the credit bureau's of what has happened. They will put a watch on your account so that any time anyone including yourself applies for credit in your name you will be notified before the give out any information. When you are applying for credit, say for a new car, just explain this to them and they will understand the delay while you receive a phone call.
Now as to what to do with your brother. Since he is in prison at this time your finances should be fairly safe from him. While he has committed identity theft on you in the past there is nothing to say he won't do it when he gets out of prison. He has also committed theft by using your debit card without permission. To what degree depends on the laws in your state. In some states as little as $500 is considered Grand Theft which is another felony which could keep him in prison much longer than his present sentence.
Your mom was wrong in telling you just to let his stealing from you go, though I understand. She is his mother and no mother wants to see her child in prison. The fact that he repaid you does not make it right. He would have been ordered to do so by the courts if he had stolen from anyone else.
You have some choices to make as to what to do about your brother. HE has committed several crimes against you. Each of these crimes have a statute of limitations under which he can be charged with the crimes. Yes I know he is your brother and possibly the last thing you want is to see him in prison for any longer than his present term. Fact is though by stealing from you he most likely took this into consideration plus every criminal thinks they will never get caught. You did catch him and only after you caught him did he make Restitution. What does this tell you.
I suggest you find out what the statute of limitations are for each of the crimes he committed against you are in your state. Then decide if you want to prosecute him. This will be a hard but necessary decision for you but may be the best thing for him. Remember that when his present prison time comes up for parole if granted he is going to need to live with someone. If mom is still alive he will need to live with her or you, for as you say the rest of the family is not talking to him. What do you think the chances are he will revert back to his old ways if they are left unpunished are.
If it was me; after finding out if charges could still be brought I would have to give it serious consideration. You were lucky with the identity theft the last time. If he has the opportunity to do so again he could do serious financial harm to you and your future husband and your mother depending on whose identity he steals next time. It is very possible if he gets a hold of your mothers bank accounts he could wipe out all her savings. He has done it once the chances are extremely high he will do it again if the opportunity is there.
Given all of this to take into consideration. I believe as painful as it would be for me and the rest of the family I would have to bring charges against while I still could.
I don't care if it sounds lame,I just do. And by that I mean without my sister, or brother, or dad, just with her. But she's always busy. She goes to work monday-Friday, and she doesn't have one of those jobs where you take summers off. Also Tuesday and Thursday she has to go to court reporter school. And on weekends she is always shopping, or going to the laundry mat, or cleaning the house. And when I try to go to the store with her My sister starts whining on how it was supposed to be a “me and mommy day" and I end up staying home because I know she'll cry the entire day. I remember when I was an only child and got her undivided attention, and when I had only one sibling, who was born perfectly normal so I still got some attention, but once my brother came along, and we found out he is special, so he kinda gets most the attention now. And it just seems silly to tell my mom I wanna play a game, or watch a movie with her when she needs to do that with my brother because he needs to interact or whatever, and I just wanna do it. I'd say my brother gets 80%, my sister %15 and me %5. And that's just needs, like driving me to school, or other places, making meals, etc... and night won't help, because she has to put my siblings to sleep, and although my sister is 4, here's the routine: mom puts her to sleep. Then some time passes. Then she wakes up and goes to my mom amd makes her sleep with her. mom says I always hated sleeping with her. I always wanted to be in the crib (or my bed when I got it). I was always the independent one who can do mostly everything for myself, so I guess my mom thinks I don't need anybody. But i want her. I'm embarrassed because this is so long so I'll stop here.
Don't be embarrassed you took the space you needed to so we could understand you problem.
It is understandable why you would want some alone time with your mother especially if you are a girl. There are just some things a girl cannot talk about with their dad. Even boys need some alone time with their mom but girls especially as they go through puberty need this special time with mom.
From what you have written mom definitely has her hands full with your siblings and you know that. Still to grow into a young lady you need your mom to show you the way. You have in your own words proven to your mom that you're somewhat independent and capable of caring for yourself. Understand mom sees this as a helpful blessing and is waiting for you to come to her when you need her or have questions. Otherwise with you remaining silent she is probably feeling you are doing fine and she just keeps an eye on you.
What I suggest is this. In that time after the little ones go to bed and before you go to bed. Go to mom and tell her you need some "me" time with her. Ask her if it is possible to take a vacation or sick day and the two of you spend the day shopping or goofing off away from the younger kids. So you and she can just talk and maybe get a Burger or pizza together.
If I am right in what I am thinking about your mom and how she sees you; this is what she is waiting for. If she has the vacation or sick day I'm sure she will make it happen. If she doesn't I trust she will find a way to give you some "me" time with her.