My Grandpa and I have never had a relationship. I don't dislike him or anything but we've just never bonded or had anything to talk about. Recently I found out he has stage 4 lung cancer. My mother has been guilt tripping me about how I haven't called him (he lives in Georgia and I am in California). I do not want to make him feel weird or awkward or anything because we have never spoke on the phone. We haven't spoke in years actually. Am I wrong for not calling? I feel it is a bit of a selfish act but at the same time don't want him to realize I am calling just because he is dying. This sounds so awful. Words of advice please.

I would never advise you to call someone just because someone else is guilt tripping you into it. You are an adult now and you know what feels right and what feels wrong.

Calling your grandfather who is aware of his medical condition gives you an opportunity to say good bye to him and let him know you are thinking of him. It is not weird or awkward for someone in his condition to receive calls from people he has not spoken to in years and may even lift his spirits to hear from his long lost granddaughter. This phone call from you also gives him the opportunity to say goodbye to you.

IF there was bad blood between you then my advice would be different. You would have every right not to call. Since it is just a matter of you two never bonding the phone call is your choice to make without reservation or guilt trip.


State Pennsylvania

My friend had gotten primary custody of his daughter due to his wife ( they are in the process of divorce ) was on drugs , cheating , ran out of the court house before they even got in front of a judge. She filed for modification some time later and he still has primary custody but she was awarded every other weekend visitation. She does not work lives off a boyfriend. He works full time 3rd shift he is living with a sister who helps him with his daughter while he works in return he helps with bills and house work. She has child abuse allegations against her because the child told her teacher her mom abuses her the teacher had to report it. Cys says case will remain open for a year but they don't see any abuse at this time. The little is a bit hyper active father doesn't want he Ron medication mother does. Mother took her to see a doctor and the doctor said we can't even speak to you because of the custody order. She flipped filing a 3rd modification. In which the judge determined to leave as is for now but they have to come back in 6 months well they want him to get different hour job? How can they even consider giving her custody just because she says she doesn't want someone else watching her child. Punish him for being a provider ?

The court will most always support the custodial parent when it comes to things such as health care and education. The reason for this is to remove these two very important segments of the child's life from being an instrument that the parents can quarrel over that is not in the best interest of the child.

Should the non-custodial parent think that the custodial parent is not providing proper child care or seeing to it that the child is sent to school. Then the non custodial parent can file an emergency request for a hearing on these items in front of a judge. The judge has the right to ask for Child Protective Services (CPS) to investigate and report to the court their findings. It is extremely rare if ever that CPS or the court would request or order a custodial adult to change jobs or work hours.

What the court would do in the case where the custodial parents work hours are seen to be a problem. The court could make a change in custody. This does not mean the other parent would get custody. The child could be come a ward of the court and placed in a foster home, a blood relative such as Aunt, Uncle or grandparent, in this case paternal, would be granted temporary custody.

IF your friend is properly providing for his father the court will not punish him based solely on the word of the mother.


I need help, I was put out my aunt and uncles house at 17. I am now 22. I've always had a problem growing up. I struggled with depression for as long as I could remember. I started to get myself together when I was 21. Had A Job Found A Room at But I Lost My Job And Was Still depressed. I find myself always being depressed and always hating them for giving up on me so I gave up on myself. I been jumping from family member to family member I'm depressed and lost. I'm currently unemployed and ready to just really give up this time.

Having fought the battle with depression myself I understand how you feel and what you are going through. Giving up is not the answer, getting help for your depression will turn your life around. You may need to take medication for a while if so take the medication as directed everyday. The medication will help you feel better and lift the fog of depression so you can work better with the therapist to get at the root cause of your depression.

Once you find the root cause of the depression you can learn to deal with it and what the triggers are. No one is born depressed though it is a problem that is passed from parent to child. With proper support you can turn your life around and live a fulfilling life. The problem with depression is it is vicious circle. Depression cause us pain both physical and mental, the pain causes depression. You need to break the cycle. The medication and talk therapy will break that cycle.

Should you have no place to turn for help then call this Hot Line - 1-800-273-8255. It is the hot line for National Suicide Prevention Lifeline. Since depression is the major cause of suicide these people are best prepared to help you. The hot line is available 24/7, it is anonymous and it is a free call. A trained volunteer will take your call and help you find people in your town who can help you.


So, im 22 female. my parents have been together for 30 years. Back when i was 15, I always caught my dad on porn sites or using a webcam.. too young to realize. when i was 18, i realized how much he was always leaving the house at night (my mom works nights) and the nights my mom didnt work he would be home. He would come home those nights acting weird, i knew something was up. I found him in a chat site, and in his search history a lot of searches for escorts, prostitutes, sex sites, etc like craigslist. It bothered me, knowing he was doing something behind my moms back and I knew, and disgusted me he was spending money on it. I tried to let my mom see the evidence by calling her nights he was out late when she was at work saying why isnt he home? Why does he have a webcam. The situation really bothered me knowing that I had this information that would break our family apart.

Anyways, I decided to completely forget about it as i moved to college, and hoped that he would change on his own or my mom would figure it out.

Here I am, almost 23, living at home finishing up my last year of college. When I went to his computer to print something off, I found a phone that isnt his primary phone, it was a prepaid phone. On it was texts to prostitutes named "trantran", and a guy with his full name listed, address, and sexual messages of plans of meeting up, what my dad wanted, what the other person wanted, when and where they would meet, and him saying he was on the way. There was about 3 visits to different people in a week... this obviously is a multiple times a week thing.

So, my dad is hooking up with "trans" and a guy, and i researched this guy based on his name and address he gave, and he is a !!!junior in highschool!!! This is something I cannot and will not forget, nor ignore.

To top it all off, I found this out 2 days ago, and 3 days ago my mom found out she might have breast cancer. So, here I am. Understanding my dad is rather gay, a sex addict, but do know hes cheating religiously on my mom and I am the only one who knows.

I can't tell my brother, him and my dad work together in their own business, and i dont want that stress to be put on my brother.
I told my boyfriend, he's helping as much as he can.

So what if I tell my mom, one, she is about to find out if she has cancer. Two, I feel like this decision, although I know this is not my fault, but this decision to tell her is heartbreaking because I am responsible for all the pain and stress she is about to go through. My whole family will fall apart, my grandparents aunts uncles and family friends will all be so mad etc. My dad will hate me for basically having all this information against him (I know that its his fault, yes, but still, i will have zero relationship after this). Who knows if he will hurt himself, run away, do something horrible.

What if I dont tell my mom. I feel guilty as hell knowing that she is being treated this way, having to lie to her, having so much anger to keep this horrible secret in because of him, but then again only I feel the pain of the situation if I dont tell. And my family goes on as is. Plus, my mom is supporting my family and my dad, as he is in debt from opening his store, yet he is spending money on sex..

What if I say something to my dad, how will he react, does he need help bc hes a sex addict or will he be embarrased bc maybe he is gay? Will he continue his ways, will he laugh in my face, will he hurt himself, will he run away, will he kill himself, will he really try and get help?

This situation is not my fault, but the outcome of this situation at this current moment is riding heavily in my hands.. i make the decision what to do, who to tell, what to say.. And i really just need help. No one, no one wants to find out their dad is this type of person, it RIPS me apart knowing he is cheating, lying, spending money on this, having sex with a high school student, knowing he must be sooo messed up in his head, must have such deep serious problems, be so wrapped up in this that he does it multiple times a week, comes home, lives a double life.

It tears me apart to know my mother, someone so sweet, caring, and giving, doesn't know, she doesn't deserve this, she will be CRUSHED, they have an upcoming vacation together. What if my dad gets caught by the police, what if my dad goes to jail, what if my dad is so emotionally messed up he has no idea what to do and feels alone, what if hes got so many problems he just ends up hurting himself. How do I sort these emotions out in my head, how do i make a decision, how do i deal with all of this..

any advice is helpful.

Your between a rock and a hard place with what you know and your mothers health is at risk even more so today as she is being treated for cancer. The cancer treatments will affect her immune system weakening it so she will not be able to fight off infections as well as if she didn't have cancers.

You do not know what type of sex exactly your father is having and if safe sex practices are being used. This means it is possible for him to pick up and STD or even worse case scenario the HIV/AIDS virus.

By having sex with a 16 year old boy you father is a child molester and this places a whole different view on the subject. Child molestation is a criminal offense.

In all the years your father has lives this double life he has not brought home any diseases so it is possible he does practice safe sex. IF you mother was healthy I would suggest you tell her before he does bring home something or before she found out for herself. She is not healthy and with illnesses such as cancer recovery is 90% attitude and 10% medicine. Meaning a good outlook saying to yourself that I am going to beat this does more for a cure than the medicine.

Because she is not healthy and if all that there was to this I would say not to tell her. But we have this child molestation issue to deal with. The proper way to deal with it is to file a complaint with the police. Which is what you should do. If you cannot bring yourself to turning your father in then you should confront him with the evidence and tell him he if he doesn't stop immediately. If he does not you will turn him in to the police.

Hopefully the threat we cause him to stop though I doubt it. If you do make the threat be ready to bring the charges if he violates the agreement


I have two questions, but I'm going to focus on one major question.
I am an 18 year old female and I live with my parents and my 5 other siblings. So that makes 8 people in the house. In the house I am the second oldest and first oldest female. I have a 20 year old brother.My other siblings are 15,12,12, and 4. I am currently in college at a community college that pay's everything for me, including books. I plan to transfer in 2016. Anyways whatever scholarships I receive I get cash back as long as it doesn't exceed $15,000 each year. This semester I got $4,500 cash back. I'm getting the same next semester. I was working and decided to leave my job because I have to maintain a 3.5 GPA. I want my first year's grades to be great so that I can get many scholarships when I transfer. I also planned a trip to New York as a gift to myself after completing my two years at community college. I will need $1,000 for that.
Now my issue is that my parent's don't know how to control their finances, and ask for large sums of money from me unexpectedly. I have no problem helping out my parents but it seems like they DO NOT want to learn how to fix their finances and live under their means. I would like things better if my parents asked me for a consistent monthly bill. Twice my savings has been depleted by them. They owed $5,000 to the land lord because of 4 months of not paying rent. My mom owes the nursing school that she's attending $3,000. I was saving my cash back money for summer classes that are not paid for by my scholarship, a cheap laptop to help me study, take care of any finances that are not covered when I transfer, help cover my monthly bus pass and monthly cell phone bill.
I borrowed my mom $4,000. She promised to start paying me back $250 each week but every time I ask she tells me to leave it alone. What angers me is the fact that my parents will go on spending sprees. They don't save up for a bill but instead just wait for a paycheck to come in. For instance my phone bill each month is $45. When I was working I'd take $10 3 times from each paycheck and I took out $15 from one paycheck. That way when it's time to pay the bill I don't have to take a large chunk of a paycheck. My parents have a lot of credit card debt. They've been behind on rent several times. I went to Old Navy the other day to get a few tops for the changing whether and sweaters for two of my sisters. My mother bought $100 worth of stuff. I was kind of mad, because she's spending money that she doesn't have. When she's in a rut she comes and ask's for money without trying to change her habits, and DOES NOT budget or try to. I tried helping her find coupons but she doesn't listen. My siblings needed uniform for school, and I had plan to buy it for them, but I had to give the money to her. Again I have no problem helping out my parents but their finances are terrible and they don't try to change it. My mother borrowed my brothers credit card when he was 18 and used it to pay rent many times. She promised to pay the credit card bills but rarely does, and my brother works two jobs now while attending school to pay the debt.
Whenever I buy something for myself like a $6 meal or some clothes that I liked my dad get's mad, and my mom ask's me why didn't I buy for my siblings too. It makes me resent them sometimes. In high school I could never dress in the styles I wanted. I had bad acne and my parents didn't want to pay for things to clear my acne. They kept saying that didn't have money. Yet my dad would keep buying things for his "new" business that has never started. So I started selling candy and doing papers to make money. My dad would take my money. My bank account went into overdraft because of him. Now I'm an adult. I've found ways to clear up my acne by buying stuff after I got a job. I borrowed him $100 and really needed it back to pay for an educational program for my 4 year old sister because they were too busy to sign her up for one. He swore up and down that he'd give me the money that same day, but after I gave him the money he didn't seem to care about getting the money. He got mad and threatened to punch me in my face. He then wrote a $100 check and threw it at me.
I want to be involved in school activities but I see that I can't. I've decided to start looking for another job since the seasons are coming up and rack up some money for my summer classes and just give my parents a monthly check. I also apply to multiple scholarships to get cash back money.

Now I feel like I can't tell my parents anything about my money. They don't try to handle their finances.They make it seem like I'm a bad person when I really can't afford to give them large sums of money. Growing up there was so much that I couldn't get because they didn't have the money, and that's ok. What I hate now is how they don't care to take care of their finances but expect me to bail them out when I don't have a stable job and I'm saving up to get my degree's in speech pathology/audiology without debt. I would be way more happier giving them between $200-$300 a month to help out instead of them randomly asking for $1,000.

Am I being a brat? Am I being greedy? Am i wrong for asking for the money back? I don't need it to go on a shopping spree, but I save it for the future just in case I don't get enough scholarships, or a job my first few months when I transfer to a different college. What should I do?

You are between a rock and a hard place with your parents. In one sense by constantly loaning them money and bailing them out you are enabling them. In the other sense you are being a good daughter and older sister in helping out with the younger children.

What you should do or what I would say must do is top the enabling. If you want you can give them $250 dollars amount, call it rent money for room and board now that you're 18 and in college. Change passwords on your bank accounts, take your parents signature privileges of your accounts of need be change banks altogether so they cannot raid your bank accounts without your knowledge.

If you wish to or feel the need to purchase clothes for a sibling you make the purchase, do not give the money to your parents to do so. If a school bill needs to be paid and you feel you can do so then make the payment yourself. Once again do not give your parents the money to do so.

There is something else you can do. You can contact children's protective services'(CPS). IF the rent is constantly in the rears as well as the utilities. IF the children do not have proper clothes and shoes or are not getting proper medical and dental attention. Then Children's services' will step in. IT is possible that you and your older brother could be made guardians of the younger children. They would provide funding for you to house and properly care for them. They would do this through a wage garnishment of your parents wages and supplemented through their agencies funding.

You will not be able to teach you parent better financial management. You can provide a better life for your siblings if CPS finds what you have written about is as the find it to be and you and your brother are willing to step up and be the guardian of your siblings. This is the better solution to your situation.


I am 25 years old and I wrote on here a couple of times about how my cousins husband is like my dad but to make a long story short my cousin and her husband are going through a divorce and I wrote on here if it would be okay to keep in contact with him but I decided to ask her first and so I asked her and she said she would prefer if I didn't keep in c ontact because g e would use me to find out info about her so I haven't talked to him but my problem now is that he keeps trying to call me and add me on fb and I have been ignoring him but he won't stop should I tell her or just keep ignoring him and stay out of it or should I text him and tell him to stop trying to contact me ? What should I do? I don't want her to think I am talking to him when I am not because I think he is the type of person wh o would try to make it look like I have when I have not. What should I do? Please help me. I don't want this to affect my relationship with my cousin because we are like sisters and I don't want him to ruin it.

Talk about a broken triangle this is certainly one of them. The three of you are all hurting because their marriage did not workout. While it is true she is family and blood is thicker than water. You and her ex-husband have formed a relationship that is important to you. A father figure I assume you need as your own father, for various reasons, may not be in the picture.

No one knows why the ex-husband is trying to contact you. It could be he knows you need the father figure he has been to you and does not want you to lose that just because he and your cousin have divorced. It also could be as your cousin feels it may be so he can keep tabs on her. You won't know this until you talk with him.

I believe you need to find out why he is contacting you before you decide what to do about it. You can call or write him and ask why. IF it is because he wants to continue to be that father figure he has been to you. Then if you want to continue that relationship with him I would say it is permissible with certain ground rules in place.

Those ground rules would be specific to your cousin and any questions he might have or you being a messenger between them. OF course family events are off limits to him as your cousin would most like be there.

If he is in agreement to those rules then I believe if you are comfortable with them as well you can give it a try. If at any time it becomes uncomfortable for you then you stop seeing him.

You do tell your cousin so she knows and why you are seeing him. Assure her you are not a conduit in any way between them and if he attempts to make you one you will stop seeing him. You tell her that you need him in your life and why and this does not change in anyway your feelings or support for her.


Well ill put it in simple terms. My step dad is a jerk who me and my brother hate because he is abusive and just a total Duche. My parents don't buy me anything although there filthy rich and spend money on themselves. This school year im wearing all hand me downs from last year with 6 shirts. And I feel like my parents hate me and don't buy me anything for a reason. I need help

What type of abuse are you talking about. If it is physical abuse then you go to a trusted teacher, school principal or the police resource officer if your school has one and show him or her the marks and explain how you came by them. They will take up the matter of protecting you and your brother from this type of abuse. Mental abuse is harder to prove as it is your word against your parents still you should go to the same people and ask for help.

One thing that needs to be mentioned since I do not know your age. Spankings are not physical abuse as long as only a hand is used. You can be spanked on the bare behind as long as only a hand is used. If you parent or parents us a belt, hairbrush, paddle , cane or anything other than their hand it is child abuse. Spankings may only be applied to a child bottom; legs arms or torso is child abuse.

You say your parents are rich. This may or may not be true. While they may spend money on themselves or your step-father may spend lavishly on your mother he may also be in debt up to his eyebrows. Who's money is it, your step-dads or your moms'. If it is your step-dads' he is under no obligation to buy you anything he is not you father.

I do not know where your dad is but if he is living he should be sending child support money and that money is meant to pay for your food and clothing as well as other expenses children have such as school supplies. If mom is spending this money on herself then again go to a trusted teacher and ask for help if you are not getting fed properly and do not have proper clothing. Proper clothing means clean proper fitting clothes for each season. It does not mean the latest fad or trendy designer clothes.

The amount of money mom may be receiving from your biological father may not be as much as you think. It all depends on what the court awarded your mother when they divorced if they divorced.

It is unfortunate but legally your step dad owes you nothing, not even the roof over your head or the bed you sleep in. Maybe if you and your brother were nicer to him and tried to get along with him he might be more giving to you.

If you mom and dad are divorced it is understandable why you may not like your step-dad. When Parents divorce it is unfortunate that the children get caught in the middle of something they were in no fault of. Parents divorce for many reason and those reasons have enough faults to divide between both parents. While it is easy to take your anger out on your step-dad for your parents divorce. As a general rule it is not the step-parent who caused the divorce. They are the result of the divorce so at the very least try and be civil with your step-dad.


On Monday I have the only chance to be with my family and hang out with them. I had been planning this for like a month and a half now. However, my mom started talking about it with my grandmother and now she wants to come along and drag my little cousin along with her. Let me explain:

Im in college right now and have to be two hours away from home until the weekends, where I only work with my parents or study. This is the only free Monday I have and for many reasons its the perfect family day. My grandmother is not coming with us because she wants to be with me, its because my cousin (he is about 10-11 years old) loves being with us (which I also believe is because of my brother and the fact that mom buys him stuff, people think were rich when were really not at all). She even told mom to ask for my permission, as if I would not want them to go. I love them, the problema is that my cousin is very... reckless. He doesnt listen to anyone, always gets into trouble, and is not satisfied unless everything HE wants to do is done. Im just afraid that whats supposed to be a stress free day will only cause more mayhem and that is not what I need right now. What do I do?

I believe we are entitled to a family day from time to time, just mom, dad you and siblings. Grandma too if you wish. Cousins while they are family they are not immediate family and are not usually invited along on an outing where it is intended for family to just chill and have a good time together. Even if that good time is a backyard BBQ. So no I do not think you are being selfish

Tell you mother that no you want to be alone with just her, your dad, your brother and grandma if she wishes to join you. You miss being home with them and you want to squeeze as much alone time with them as possible them. If the cousins parents think you're being selfish that's their problem for not seeing that you are entitled to some immediate family only alone time with your parents and brother. That's really all there is to it.

I'll give you an example of observing someone's time with family. As much as I love my niece and as often as my sister visits her in Texas where she lives with her husband an infant son. When they visit here we go to my sisters for dinner or when they go out someplace my niece will usually invite us along. The rest of the time is for her and her family to be with her mom, my sister, and her step-dad.

Your cousin can visit anytime he parents wish to visit with your parents. You only have this one day to be alone with them. Don't fret over this do what is right for you today.


I have come to realize that I'm lesbian. I feel like I need to come out because it feels... Stressful to hide who I am. I don't know how to come out to my family or some if my friends. I don't want to hide this from them. Please, help me?

Let me start by saying I agree with everything the previous two advisors have written. What bothers me is not the fact that you are a lesbian, there is nothing wrong with being Gay or Lesbian. I am bothered by the way you have written it; "I have come to realize that I'm lesbian." The words "I HAVE COME" make me think this is a recent decision of yours that you are a Lesbian.

My concern is you just do not wake up one morning and decide you are gay. According to the most recent science on this Doctors and Scientist now believe that homosexuality is the way you are born. That it is in the DNA. That long before puberty hits you would know you were different than your friends.

If I knew your age I might be more comfortable with your opening sentence. For it is very natural for both boys and girls just entering puberty to experiment sexually with the same sex. While I do not have any scientific statistical data to back up what I am about to say. It is my guess that nearly 70% or more of those of us who are now adults have at one time or another experimented sexually with our same sex. It is safer to find out about sex and sexuality with someone of your own sex and parents rarely question what goes on behind closed doors with teenagers of the same sex.

If you believe you are a Lesbian because you have recently had a same sex encounter this does not make you a Lesbian. It makes you a normal teenage girl experimenting with her sexuality. The fact that you may have liked it is still normal and may mean you could be leaning toward being Bi.

If you are still in High School I urge you NOT to label yourself as putting any label that is anything other than normal is dangerous to you. If you have known before puberty that you were different then you could be a lesbian. Still given how your friends and other kids at school will react it is much safer for you to stay in the closet and not subject yourself to the hate and bigotry that kids can put on you for something they truly don't understand and something that is really entirely normal for you.

As I said in the beginning there is nothing wrong with being Gay or Lesbian. For those who are it is there normal. It was how they were born. Many people today are learning this, still there are some out there who don't understand and that hate is passed to their children. Until these children learn better teenage Gays and Lesbians are safer keeping this information private. In short I am concerned for your safety if you are a high school student.


Ok so just today my mom yelled that because I argue with my sister her and dad fight and because of me someone might have to leave and it might be her because she can't deal with it and today my dad pulled my sister's hair and it's my fault because I aggravated him. And when my suicidal thoughts reached them my dad told me I'm gonna have to stop or him and mom are getting a divorce. Wtf? And I'm not going to a fucking psychologist I refuse. I haven't attempted suicide and my mom made me promise not to but sometimes it seems like the only way out! And my dad seems to think I'm some unpaid baby sitter because once when I was at a bbq I said I wasn't gonna watch them all night like I always do and both my parents threw fits! Help?

Parents blaming their children for their problems is not only poor parenting it is child abuse, mental abuse, which is just as real as physical child abuse. Yes you should see a psychologist for you need someone you can talk to, scream at if need be who will help you put what is happening in its proper perspective or it will ruin your life for ever. Don't be like I have been and try and bury it and then have it all come out in a near death experience when you're in you mid 50's and have to deal with it and the accident and lawyers and everything else that happens when some drunk driver runs you off the road.

You can't fix what is wrong with your parents but you can get help for the abuse you and your sister are under. Talk to a trusted teacher or your school principal. Tell them what your home life is like, in detail as I'm sure there is more than what you wrote to us. They are required by law to protect you if they feel you are being abused at home.

Just what action will be taken I can't say as it is up to what child protective services feels is needed to keep you safe. Your parents could be sent for counseling. You would be assigned a person for CPS who will check on you or you could call if needed.

It does not always mean you or your sister will be put in foster care. That is something that is done if you or your sister are in real danger, which I don't see from what you have written.

Children don't come with handbooks like a new car. Some parents come by their parenting skills naturally and some like your parents may need to be taught how to parent and how to cope with teenagers and still manage to love each other. This is what CPS does, they work with families to correct problems. It is not their purpose to break families up. So please tomorrow talk to a teacher or your school principal.


I am seriously, seriously dreading October 15th as my older brother and his wife might be visiting. I seriously do not like this because each time they come down here, they end up using my room. I do not like this as they have a habit of going through my things and give me problems with what I own. Examples include my old action figures when I was a child which are stuffed in the closet and a Confederate Flag which I have hanging on my wall (I keep it mainly for my admiration for History). They also give me issues about something new each time they visit.

Sometimes it is something they just brought up or imagined. I say this because many years ago back when they visited in 2005, they had the nerve to accuse me of yelling at their only child when I do not recall such a thing and now I fear they might accuse me of something EVEN worse.

Lastly, I do not like being displaced because I feel a sense of inferiority considering I still live with my father. I also do not like this because I have no where to leave when my brother and his wife visit. I have tried to tell my family I do not like them using my room nor do I like them giving me problems. I want my room to be mine when they come. I am sick of being walked on by my family who does not respect how I feel when my brother and his wife come to visit.

How do I get them to listen where everyone wins and I keep what is mine?

Displaced and Frustrated.

This is a tough question to answer. While your room is your room. The house it occupies belongs to your father and as many of us have written before it is his house his rules. If he says you need to sleep on the couch while your brother and sister in-law visit; unfortunately that is what you must do.

If I understand what you have written correctly they last visited in 2005. We are now approaching 2015, ten years have past. It is possible they have matured since then having raised their own children. It is also very true that you are older and entitled to more privacy then you were 10 years ago.

What I suggest, and I am assuming there is no other room with privacy they can use, is that you have a conversation with your dad before they arrive. You need to point out your concerns and your need for your privacy as well. This part about your need for privacy is important for as parents we tend to forget about this and similar things with older children still living at home. You could suggest to dad that your brother and sister in-law be put up in a close bye motel. If you are working you can offer to pay a portion of the cost.

There is no shame in asking relatives to stay in a motel just for sleeping especially if your home cannot offer the comfort and privacy for all concerned. It is also not unreasonable to ask then to chip in for expenses they may cost you during their visit if you cannot afford it. This would include food as well as the motel. It is also quite possible your brother might prefer a motel over your dads house but afraid to say anything for fear of offending your father.

I have been asked by relatives if I would stay at a motel as they are short on accommodations. While they have offered to pay for the motel; with one relative I have paid for I earn more than they do. In the case of one relative I prefer the motel as she tends to be a bit bossy overbearing.


If you knew your 27 year old brother was on cocaine and heroin and you felt that having him arrested was the only way to protect his life, would you do it?

If you, your parents, and your other siblings had tried everything, and I mean EVERYTHING short of getting him arrested and it all had failed to get him off of the drugs, what would you do? What if you had enough proof that he possesses drugs for the police to make the arrest? Would you actually call the police and have your own brother cuffed and thrown in jail?

He's already been arrested twice and sent to rehab twice and of he's arrested again he could be in big, BIG trouble. He might hate you if you do it and although your parents have talked about doing it themselves, everyone else might think you're a horrible brother. Still, you love home too much to let those consequences control your decision.

He actually overdosed once and almost died. His roommate had to call an ambulance and when they got there, your brother had stopped breathing and they had to shove a tube down his throat to force air into his lungs. You had to drive you parents to the hospital because upon hearing the news, they went into some kind of episode driven by the fear that their son was either dying or dead.

In addition to the fear you feel for your brother, your parents are living in agony because they're terrified for his life and you're worried that their stress and anxiety is damaging their health. You mom can't sleep well most nights and can't sleep at all some nights. She's constantly on the verge of having a coronary because of she can't live with the terror of her son dying from a drug overdose and your dad is always stressed out too. Your siblings live in agony as well and it'd just be better for everyone if your brother got off the drugs one way or another. What would you do?

First some of the facts about jail time. Many states and the federal government are relooking at the minimum jail times being handed down for simple possession and use of drugs. The mandatory minimum sentences handed down in the 80's and 90's are being looked at as cruel and unusual sentences therefor they are now seen as unconstitutional. Those sentenced under those guidelines may now apply for Clemency and or early parole.

What I'm saying is that the threat of going to jail may not have the impact it had just a few months ago. Also if your brother has been to jail before then he may very well know how to score drugs while incarcerated. It is unfortunate but true that in our prisons drugs and other substances are easily obtained. Sending your brother to jail to dry out may not be the answer.

What I suggest for you and your family is Al Anon to learn how to deal with a family member who is in to substance abuse. By attending Al Anon meetings, which are like AA meetings, you will learn from others, how best to deal with your brother and how to save yourselves the pain and anguish he is causing you. If you are a teenager or under 21 Alateen meetings may be more comfortable for you.

One of the first things you learn is like the old adage; "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink." The same is true with and addict. They have to want to get better before they will accept help. Generally this means they have to hit bottom before they will accept help. Everyone's bottom is different.

Al Anon and Alateen are your best choice in dealing with your brother. Putting him in jail does not mean sobriety. Even if he does get sober the chances are very high that upon release he will go right back to his old habits.

Below is the URL for the Al Anon meeting locator page. Before you do anything else go to a meeting or two and talk to the people at the meeting. They have been where you are and they can and will help you deal with your brother.



I'm a 14 year old girl so obviously I'm old enough that I know a good amount of curse words (though I generally don't use them of course) and about sex and everything (I don't have sex of course) from health class. My parents think that I'm so innocent though and they try to shelter me! I learned a lot from health class, friends, and experience but they think that I don't know anything. I haven't even gotten "the talk" yet and learned to take care of my period myself. I just feel like they don't know me.

I have to agree with Razhie. The world changes so fast today, much faster then when we were your age. Forgive us if we want to keep our children young and innocent for as long as possible. That being said I realize some parents do take this a little to far thinking that by keeping things from them they are keeping them innocent. As a general rule this will come back at them in the wrong manner as the child grows older.

You seem to have a good handle on right and wrong regardless of the fact your parents are trying to keep you young and innocent. It is not that they don't know you, I'm certain that they do. They are trying to ignore the facts in front of them and so doing feel they can keep you as they wish too. This is wrong in my book though they are your parents and they must raise you as they see fit.

For your part until you are 18 and legally an adult there is not a lot you can do to change things. What I can suggest is that possibly you ask mom for some you and her time. Maybe lunch or a shopping trip at the mall. Someplace where you two can sit quietly for aa few moments and you can explain the facts of life as they are to you. How what she and your dad are attempting to do is not protecting you or keeping you innocent but quite the opposite.

I can't promise this will change anything between you and your parents. You will have least tried to advise them that the world around you is changing. One other alternative if mom does not accept what you tell her is to speak with an Aunt or Uncle who she is close to and trusts and who understands what the world is like for teenagers.

Whatever the outcome is please stay respectful to your parents for I know they have only your best interest at heart. I know you don't see that I am asking you to take this on blind faith as this is the truth for most all parents. When you turn 18 then you can do as you please and be in control of your own life.


My life is a living hell always says always will be. When i was 4 or 5 my sister took me into a room and offered me candy to say that my dad had 'touched me' which he did not. Being the five year old i was i did it, and that was the start of it all. My dad went to jail and at the time i did not know what i did. The only thing i wanted was to give my daddy a hug. I waited in the same spot for a week waiting him to come back, then i realized he was not coming back.

I was about 13 when these one words triggered me 'everything that ever happened in your life was all your fault' my sister said to me. those little words made me feel terrible about myself. Because i thought it was all my fault. After that every time i would make a mistake i would start crying because i thought i messed everything up.

One time when me and my sister where sitting on the couch i saw a bug and i started to freak out. She told me to kill it but i couldn't i was too scared then when she went to get a shoe she came back and it was gone. She started screaming and yelling at me "Do you know how much of a f*ck up you are, I wish you where never born"

I started crying and shaking and i couldn't breath, but she just kept yelling at me, I went to get up and i started getting blurry vision. I stumbled into my room and started crying even more.

I cant leave mt sister because she lives with her dad and i live with my mom and we live together because my mom can afford her own place.

I guess the question I'm trying to ask is how can i get over my fear of making mistakes. I'm 15 now and this has been happening straight for the past two years. Its taken over my life and i need help. I need to get over this fear.

What you need is psychological counseling to help you deal with this. If you cannot talk with your mom about getting this type of help then I suggest you talk to a trusted teacher or your school principal. They will know who to call to get you this type of help. Your sister is the one responsible for all this and she is mentally abusing you and has been. She too needs psychologically counseling to find out why she is doing this and getting her to stop.

If your dad is still in prison; you also need help in recanting what you said and hopefully getting him out of jail. Your therapist would be a good person to ask for help with this.


I live with my mother and stepdad, but a few weeks ago while walking with my grandmother, I came across my biological father and we made small talk and exchanged cell phone numbers. I haven't seen him in almost a decade and I really want to get to know him again as he does me. The problem is that him and my mother did not have the best history as I was growing up and now that I'm 22 I'm nervous that she may find out that I am in touch with him. Should I tell her or shoyld I keep it a secret?

The one overriding fact her is your age. You are 22 an adult fully responsible for your own life. Getting to know your biological father is important for several reasons. First and foremost you need to know your fathers medical history and the medical history of his parents. This is very important to your medical history. A lot of a person’s medical life happen in a decade that your mom is not aware of that may be important to you and later to your children should doctors need it in treating you.

Then there is the fact that parents are not always honest with children about why they split up. I'm not saying mom has lied to you. What ever happened between them was really between them and did not involve you. Your parents may have decided to shield you from whatever happened. His I'm sure has given you a one sided view of the divorce maybe even one that paints a bad picture of your dad.

You are old enough now to be able to separate the fiction from the non-fiction and decide for yourself what happened. You are also entitled to have a life with your father if you want one. There may come a day when you walk down the aisle to be married and you may want your father to walk you down the aisle. This is totally your choice for it will be your wedding. But your dad can only do so if you ask him and only if you have gotten to know him and trust him.

You have been fortunate that I believe your grandfather has been able to stand in for you absent father. Wouldn't it be nice when you have children if they had both a father and grandfather to depend on?

Remember whatever the problem was it was between mom and dad. You have every right to know your father and I suggest you do not hide it from your mother that you have made contact with him. If she objects first inform her of the first reason I gave you. Then tell mom of the fact that you are an adult and you have a right to know your father if you want to. That she divorced your father you did not.


I am 24 years old. My father has done everything he can to provide for my family and myself and he has definitely succeeded. We have not had a good relationship since I was in middle school maybe 12/13 years old. Nothing he did just never really bonded or gave him the time of day I suppose. I know this hurts him. Fast forward to present day, I have been dating a sweet boy for almost 2 years. He has tattoos and because of this my dad refused to meet him in the beginning. A few months into the relationship, he asked me if we were sleeping together and I replied honestly that we were. This pretty much ruined whatever little bit of relationship I had with my dad, he said he was ashamed and no longer had respect for me and not to mention even more refusal to ever meet my boyfriend. For the past 2 years we have had several arguments over my boyfriend. Yesterday, my dad told me to end the relationship (we had a previous fight about egg donation, i signed up my dad wasn't happy with it and said my boyfriend has no respect for supporting my decision to possibly donate eggs) and if I didn't he would disown me. So I broke up with my boyfriend right after that conversation. I feel this was the wrong decision for several reasons:
1. I still love him
2. The relationship is succeeding
3. Boyfriend had no say of our outcome
4. My father made the decision
5. This was also said out of anger
6. Dad still has not met boyfriend
So I suppose what I am seeking advice for is what I can do in a situation like this. He pays for my school (I am in my last year for my BA) and I still live at home. I am hoping to move out within the next year but would like to do so peacefully and mutually. Was I wrong for ending things with my boyfriend because it's what my dad wanted? I am so torn, I don't want to lose my dad but I also don't want to lose this relationship especially on these terms. I feel my dad is manipulating me, help!!

'm sure there is a little more to this story than what you wrote. As an advisor of many years and someone old enough to be your grandfather I understand we receive the reader’s digest version of these problems.

Yours is a little different of a problem in that in general it is father and son or mother and daughter that don't get along in the teenage years. In general though by the time a person reached your age the parent usually understands THAT THE CHILD IS NO LONGER A CHILD BUT AN ADULT IN THEIR OWN RIGHT. At age 24 you most certainly are an adult.

With being an adult comes certain rights among them are the right to a sex life and the right to pick and choose who you want as friends and significant others. I believe your father for some reason does not see you as an adult this is problem number one. Now most fathers with a daughter will always see their daughters as their little girls even when they are all grown up and have a family of their own. That is just the way father and daughters are. The difference is that most fathers do see their daughters as adults but still want to protect them. Your father has not made this transition, he is a controller and controllers never change.

Your father has made a judgment of this young man based on tattoos. To be honest I'm not a fan of tattoos but I would never make a judgment based strictly on them. Your father is judging a book by its cover and this is wrong. It is also shows your father to be very judgmental a trait of someone who is a controller.

Why your father is a controller I can't say. One reason is a character flaw and another is part of a mental illness possibly some type of depression. The first can't be fixed but can be taught how to correct. The other is fixable through therapy. Problem is the controller has to realize the problem and want to correct it which is something you cannot do for them.

After this all said and done you have the possible why of it all and yes your dad is manipulating you. He has no reason to do so and you have no reason to listen other than to be a good daughter. Listen to what he has to say, take it into consideration and make your own decision. You are an adult; you are responsible for your own decisions regardless of whether you live at home or not.

In essence it is like if you decide to rob a bank, the fact that you live at home at your age does not make you a child. You will be seen as an adult and treated as one. The same goes for how you live your life. If dad threatens not to pay for the remaining college apply for Pell Grants, and other grants available to you. Take out student loans to cover the difference and finish college. Then get a job and move out.

Most important is for you to be an adult and try to keep some type of peaceful coexistence between you and your father. That does not mean giving up the man you love to placate him. It means there are other ways to exist in your home without arguing with him every day.


I'm 16 my mom sells prescription painkillers, ill leave it simple as that. I need to know that if I turn it in since me and my dad know about it and have for sometime what will happen to us? If my dad is arrested with my mom will I get to choose to live with family, and will I be charged for withholding information for this long or will I be let off Scott free. Also I put my hands on one of the bottles to take a picture of it in better lighting so could my mom blame the drugs on me? Basically what all could come out of this whole ordeal

Last question first. Mom is selling prescription pain killers so I assume the prescriptions are in her name. By your turning her in you become the key witness. Generally speaking the prosecutor will not prosecute a key witness even when it is proven they are involved. Generally the prosecutor will trade witness testimony for a lesser charge or no prosecution at all for an involved witness.

My feeling is you and your dad would not be in any trouble. Even though you may have known about it for some time circumstances play a big part in why you may not have come forward before. Now if by chance and this is a very little chance, your dad is somehow found to be involved. Children's services will always try and place children with a loving relative before making them a ward of the court and placing them in a foster home. That being said initially a child could go to a foster home while Children's services arranges for a family member to take the child.

As for the withholding of information: I'm not a lawyer or prosecutor so I can't say for certain. If you were older maybe they would look at you for withholding information but given your age I can't see them doing so. As long as you are not actively involved in what you mom is doing and you’re doing the right thing by turning her in. I do not see where justice would be served by prosecuting you.


My brother in law had a heart attack, we have been doing his share of the work in our business for nearly a year. He isnt well enough to probably ever work, but he wants his income to continue so he wants us to keep doing his work. He has been careless in every aspect of his life, has substantial debt, and lives a lifestyle that will eventually kill him. How do we shake him loose? My husband is exhausted from all the extra work, I am frustrated and want to leave, my son feels like a slave. All we do is fight over this, we need him to stop being a burden to us.

You said OUR business. By this do you mean a family business that he is part owner of; or is it you and your husbands business that he is employed by you and your husband. This is important for legal reasons.

If your brother in-law is part owner of the business then you need to consult a lawyer to have the Corporation papers or partnership papers reviews to see if they cover such a situation. If so then you just need follow the bylaws of the Corporation or Partnership agreement.

If there is no clause covering such a contingency then I would thing the lawyer would suggest you have the business evaluated by an independent CPA firm, probably one the lawyers office works with. To evaluate the worth of the business. Once you have a certified evaluation of the business you and the lawyer can make an offer to buy out your brother in-laws share of the business. He can accept, reject or make a counteroffer.

Your brother in-law might just flat refuse to sell his share. That's fine, you the ask the lawyer if there is anything that requires you to continue his salary. You see as a shareholder all he probably is entitled to is a return on his investment based on the shares of the business he holds. This would be based on the profits at the end of the business year. Which you would send him a check for after the accountants have closed the books for the year. Of course having the books certified each year is a business expense that comes before profit so this would lower the profits reported at year end.

Having only to pay your brother in-law his due profit, if any at year end would allow you to stop paying his salary and hire someone to do his work.

Everything depends on how the paperwork for the business is written. If there is no formal agreement then the most you may owe him is a return of any money he invested plus interest. This is why you need to see a lawyer and find out exactly where you stand legally.

Since this is family what I suggest is you have your brother in-law apply for social security disability. Once he is approved you then can stop his salary.


I have two teenage daughters who have been blessed with musical talent and beautiful singing voices.There is a talent show at our county fair every year and they want to participate. I am almost certain one of them would win or place as a runner up. Therein lies the problem! They have a close loving relationship but they are extremely competitive with each other when it comes to music. So far I have never allowed them to compete against each other because I am afraid this could create a permanent rift between them. I have tried to encourage them to sing together as a duet but they refuse. Should I allow them to compete individually and possibly damage their relationship for life?

This is a tough question to answer. To my mind it falls under the heading; Damned if you do, Damned if you don't.

At some time in their lives they will compete with each other. When this happens the question become how will they handle the outcome? This is an unknown and not something even a mother's intuition can foresee.

Seeing this and knowing that the day will come that they will compete against each other my question to you is: Would it not be better to allow them to compete know while you are with them? In this manner you can prepare them for the fact that only one of them can come in at First place the other in a follow up position. You can have discussions now ahead of time as to how they will handle this between them and what you will expect of them.

My feeling is that allowing them to compete now should be based on the following. They must agree:

1. The final decision is yours that you will make just before competition time. They may register but you may withdraw them before hand.

2. You tackle the problem ahead of time through meaningful discussion with them about possible outcomes. Which would include one of them winning or neither of them winning.

3. The meaning of competition, sportsmanship and what it means to them as sisters.

Based on these discussions before hand you can then decide if you want them to participate. By tackling the problem before rather than after I believe will allow for a more meaningful discussion rather than for damage control after.


My sister never takes no for an answer and sometimes it gives her a feeling that she is allowed everything and everyone must do whatever she asks. Like she never handed me a shoe to kill a spider even if she was next to one and she expected me to kill a spider and another she never let's me in her room and whenever she wants to borrow my clothes and I say no becaude you never return any favors she gets mad and slams my doorand pulls huge sissy fits. What can I do? I hate fighting but the sense of authority she has is mind-blowing and it makes me feel like she never gives me any respect.

What you two have is a bad case of sibling rivalry. You both want the other to respect you and to accede to your wishes. The older of the two of you may just be jealous of the attention the other gets from your parents. All of this is unfortunately quite normal and will go away as you both become adults and have families of your own. At least most of the time.

If you are twins this would not be normal. Twins by and large are much closer than most other siblings. Stemming from sharing the same womb and possibly the same egg. Generally twins do not suffer from sibling rivalry.

When it comes to respect this is something that has to be earned, even between family members. In general terms you have to give respect in order to get respect. From what you are writing neither of you are giving so neither of you are earning the others respect. One of you is going to have to make the first move and give some respect to other.

I will assume you are the younger of the two. If so can you be the bigger of the two and give your sister some respect. She deserves a bit of respect just because she is older but can you give a bit more. Then by doing so, by being the bigger person and giving her respect; Wait and see if after getting respect if she doesn't return it to you.

This is how respect work. If you want it you have to earn it. There are times respect comes with the territory, such as being a Police Officer or an Officer in the Military. In these instances it is the uniform not the person in the uniform that gets the respect. The person in the uniform still needs to earn respect.



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