about


advice

My mother is making me take a whole day out of my April vacation to see a college that's like an hour away. I told her that I didn't want to go because I'm only a sophomore and it isn't even the summer yet, but she wouldn't listen. A friend invited me to go somewhere fun that day but now I can't because she's forcing me to go see a crappy public college that I don't want to see. She thinks that there's no time like this week to see this public college. What do you think?

I'm old enough to be your grandfather so I am going to offer you some grandfatherly advice.

Given the question you have asked, and I will answer it with what I think. It does not matter what we think. Given your age you're too young to win this fight with your mother. To make a big stink or to make this visit totally unpleasant for both of you; you can only end up bad for you.

Given the facts as you presented them It is understandable why your mother would want to start looking at colleges early. The same information would explain why she is encouraging you to start looking at colleges now. It is really not all that early to start looking at colleges now especially if you have the grades to apply for early admission. Which you could start doing as early of next year.

Suggestion: Since there is something you want to do on the day mom wants to visit this college. Rather than fight her and say things like its too early, I'm not interested or other things. Tell her you have been invited to go someplace that day. Ask her if it is possible to go another day and you will go willingly without complaint. This is called a compromise.

My answer to your question. Part of my answer is in the above. If you have the grades to apply for early admission then this summer would be the time to start looking at colleges. You should be starting to eliminate those schools that do not offer the course you need to get into Dental School.

In state colleges cost less than out of state or private colleges. If your parents are going to be footing the bill for your education. Then the time to start discussing which schools they can afford is at hand.

Is mom wrong in forcing you to visit this school. That is a yes and no answer. She is a bit ahead of time in what she is trying to do though I can't say she is wrong.

In the end though as I said in the beginning. If you cannot find a compromise with her and you continue to fight with her; then you can only be hurt by doing so. So think before you act.

[view]


After a lot of baby name searching, your brain gets foggy. Are these names that we chose for our twins normal?
Boy: Dean Harvey
Girl: Spencer Guin

When it comes to children the most important factor to remember is first and foremost they are your children. Yours and their fathers, you are the ones who get to name them and raise them. If you ask others for suggestions on names or if they like the names you have chosen you will go nuts for you will never satisfy everyone.

The names you have chosen to my mind are great names. The one middle name is unique and as the child gets older he may want to know why you chose it. Fact is though few if any people ever call anyone by their middle name. You will use it when you want to get his attention, all parents do . It tells them they are most likely in trouble and they better snap too.

Congratulations on the coming birth of your twins. You have chosen some great names. Relax and enjoy your children.

[view]


14/f Hi :) Basicall, a few weeks before I was supposed to go on holiday, I checked my shared bank account to take out the money I had saved to pay for my share of the holiday. Dad sometimes puts bits in and says its to pay for things that I need. Keywords: Things I need. I checked it and it said I had 43 cents. I thought it was odd and got my mom to check what had happened on this booklet thing (mom's a bit old fashioned). What had happened was that someone had taken out little bits through out the course of two years to pay for odd stuff. I'm not allowed to go in it by myself so I have to have mom or dad around when I check it.

Big chunks came out around Valentines Day and around the time he got married to his new gf (or should I say wife). He got married without telling me; I wasn't invited but I got over it. It still hurt though. But anyway, I confronted him about it and he said he had to pay for car repairs, bills etc.

I knew he was lying. I stopped talking to him for a while and was finally ready to forgive him after about a month (we had to cancel the holiday because I couldn't go) and I asked him why he did it. He replied with, "charity at work." Why did he lie before? And did he really need over $1500?!?!

So after arguing, I didn't speak to him for about 3 months. I looked in my account again to find that he was still taking it. Not only that, he was saying that I couldn't make it to family outings because my mom was being difficult and turning my into a brat. So I told them the truth but they all took dad's side. "He's still your dad, you should talk things out."
"At least you have a dad!"
"He took some money, big deal. You could have a dad that abuses you."

And it sucks! I don't know what to do anymore. The only person on my side is my mom. It's really starting to make me feel depressed. I don't smile anymore because of all the pressure that's put on me to sort everything out and keep my grades high AND still be the perfect girl my family thinks I am. What should I do? Sorry to bore you with this.

First of all you could never prove your dad stole any money from you as his name is on the account. Because of this what ever funds are in this account are as much his as they are yours. The fact that the deposits all came from you may have some legal baring if you have proof you earned and deposited those funds. It would depend largely on the laws in your state. You would need to consult an attorney if you wanted to know for sure.

What you may want to do is consult an attorney and ask that the attorney send you dad a letter stating you are giving him a chance to return the funds plus your costs to recover them, attorneys fees, before you file charges of Grand theft against him. Grand theft is a felony which comes with heavy prison time.

The letter from an attorney might just scare you father into returning the money. He would have to send the money to your attorney who would then give you a check once the check received clears the bank.

If all this happens I would suggest since you are now legally old enough to have your own bank account that you open one in your own name at a different bank from the one you presently bank at.

What I'm suggesting is a long shot or a Hail Mary pass but it just might work if an Attorney is willing to do this for you.

[view]


There will be a 21 year age gap between us. They won't be a sibling, they'll be like my niece, and they'd see me as an aunt. I want to vomit. I think it's an IVF baby and we're catholic, so I don't see how that works. I have 2 other siblings, were we not good enough for our parents? My mom stereotypes certain people having more kids than they can afford, and says we have money issues (why we never properly take vacations and etc) and that we can't afford a pet's healthcare, but suddenly she adds another human to the mix? I'm beyond pissed. If this happened when I was younger, the more the merrier, but I kind of feel like this new kid is to make up for "mistakes" she had when raising my siblings so I feel hurt and offended. She's a bit materialistic saying this is the most money her and my dad have had and that my older sibling and I were born in a council flat early in their relationship but that's like saying that she had no choice in getting pregnant then, when she did, twice. I already wanted to put off having kids til my 30s and now im close to tears and reconsidering even getting iinto any sort of relationship in the future, much less having kids later. I just feel so grossed out and let down and now it's like I feel my mom will just dump this new child on meto take care of when I have my own activities and life to plan for, so I'll be even more diligent now to leave this house as soon as possible cause I feel like my mom isn't the same mom she was 10 years ago. Even before she announced pregnancy she would just be so different and even earlier today I wondered how I was even born from her and how I grew up in my family. with the whole IVF thing I saw bookmarks on her computer and I knew she had been taking prenatals a year ago but I thought it was just a joke. I had a major panic attack a few weeks ago when I thought I saw an ultrasound til I checked the year and it was just my younger sibling's. But no, now I know it's real and I just feel so let down cause i liked our family as it was. The IVF means she likely got a diff egg cause she's in her late 40s which means the kid will only be a half sibling. And I saw the girl they were considering and she's not even our ethnicity so the kid will look very obviously different from the rest of us as it technically would have a diff mother. Why didn't she just adopt?! I would have been more ok with An adoption than this Frankenstein type stuff. I don't mean to be mean, that's just how I'm feeling right now. God forbid I couldn't have kids natirally one day, if I ever for some reason wanted too then there's plenty of people seeking adoptive families that already exist and need to be loved and cared for. My mom was all happy but she has no large age gaps in her family. I' literally know NO ONE with such a huge gap between their siblings. I feel embarrassed mad and resentful. We won't be able to relate to each other at all. How do I make sense of this? Are there any books on this? I feel extremely unhappy

You have a lot of issues to deal with. TO do so starts with sitting down and getting answers to those questions/issues from your mother. IVF does not mean the baby she is carrying is not from her own egg. Being in her forties does not mean she has entered menopause or she is fully into menopause. IVF is also used to help people who are having trouble conceiving using their own eggs and sperm. This may be the case with mom now. My sister did not go into menopause until well into her fifties.

You have a right to be upset to find out at the ripe old age of 21 you're about to have a little brother or sister will upset anyone your age or older. Your also right to assume that caring for this child may fall to you before this child reaches the age of majority. All of these things are what you need to discuss with your mother and father.

For one thing feeling as you do you need to tell them you do not wish to be n=named the child's guardian in their will or be a godparent which would make you the child's parent in the event of mom or dad dyeing before the reaching age 18. Your parents may be assuming if you're the oldest that you would do this for them with this child and your younger siblings.

What I'm not so sure about is how mom and dad having a baby now interferes with your life plan. You are 21 legally an adult answerable only to yourself. You are not responsible for things your parents do and you cannot be forced to be responsible for their bills or other problems. You are not obligated to care for your siblings, this soon to be born on or your other siblings and yes you can chose to care for one and not the other if you wish. It is your choice as to how much you can take on.

This is why it is important to talk to your parents now. You parents may or may not be great planners I don't know them so I can't say. What I do know is when this child is born because of their ages the hospital social worker will advise them to make sure a guardian is named for this child in the event of their demise prior to the child reaching 18. As I said above if you do not want to be the named guardian speak up now for if the time comes and you are the named guardian. You could refuse but you will spend a great deal of money fighting child protective services doing so.

In short everything you have written about boils down to having an open and frank discussion with your parents. Feeling suicidal will not solve anything talking will.

[view]


How do you respond to something like that when, although you're cool with it, you know that your wife DOES NOT want your daughter to share a birthday with a cousin? She does not want her child to have to share a birthday with another one of her parents' grandchildren. She doesn't want her to have to share her spotlight on her special day.

To be honest, I feel a little sorry for the little squirt (sister in law's baby) because he'll be the son of your father in law's least favorite daughter. His universe already revolves around his oldest daughter and the grandchildren he got from her, so he's probably gonna try to push the new kid out of the spotlight too.

Mother in law's different, but big deal. This new kid is still gonna get shafted and treated like he CHOSE to be born on that day just to steal attention from his cousin. I feel bad for him because this is how I was treated by my family. I was ignored and deprived of attention and affection and I feel bad that my family's gonna do that to someone else. I also do want my daughter to get a chip on her shoulder and think that she's the ONLY one with a right to be treated well on her birthday. Lastly, I don't want this to cause bitter blood between us, the new kid, and his parents.

There is really not much that can be down about when the little cousin arrives. Due dates are just that. A date the doctor calculates and in most instances, at least in my family is never the date the baby is born. If by chance your sister in-law does give birth on that day it is something your wife will have to deal with.

Frankly I would suspect if the two grandchildren are born with in days of each others date the family will still chose to celebrate them together. Your daughter will celebrate at home with her friends with a party your wife makes for her and it will be her special day because your wife made it so.

[view]


My brother is 35 years-old, and for a VERY long time, has fallen into the pattern of dating girls who are superficial and manipulative. He also has a problem where he gets serious VERY quickly and basically allows who he dates to take advantage of him. The excitement of being in a relationship blinds him to the red flags that I see all to clearly. That said, he has been dating a girl for about 2.5 months, she is 26, already divorced, and has already brought some of her things to his apartment and had my brother pay $400 to have someone organize his entire place (not to mention she put up decorations, etc)... obviously it seems a plot to infiltrate his life. When we went out a couple times, her behavior struck me as bizarre- overly high energy, and attention seeking. When we were all in a cab, at one point she put her hand on my brother's mouth and said ,"no one cares what you think." The entire ride, she was spastic, overly high energy, etc. I can see she is superficial, manipulative, and attention seeking. Worst of all, she has my brother convinced that she is not. He likes her a lot, they are very into each other, and it worries me. I need to have a talk with him but do not know how to approach the topic or what I should say. Any advice?

If you see this as a pattern in your brothers life then there is a reason your brother is attracted to this type of women. Just from what you have written I cannot say and I am not a psychologist so it would be wrong for me to even speculate. But somewhere in his formative years he became attracted to this type of women.

Your speaking to him is not going to help and may even injure your relationship with your brother. What you really need to do is to get him to a psychologist who can help him find out why he is so attracted to this type of women and to realize why he allows himself to be taken advantage of.

This will not be easy as it falls under the heading of you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. He has to want to see the psychologist and work with him or her to find out why.

If he was my brother I might say something like, "Bro it hurts me to see some of the women you date take advantage of you." "You can do better and there are women out there who will love you for who you are and not what you will do for them." "I think you should consider seeing a therapist to find out why and if it will help I will even go with you to the first few sessions."

Therapy has to be his idea to work. The offer to go with him for the first few session sis to ease him into it and to tell the therapist why he is there if he won't tell him or her himself. Then you back out of the session as they are more productive one on one.

[view]


I am a 21 year old female university student and my parents really just won't leave me alone! I have a curfew of 12 o clock according to them, but if I ever go out they send me messages and call constantly asking when I'll be back, well before 12. I suppose the motivation behind this question goes back to an hour ago, I asked permission to go to the mall with my friends and my father said no that its too dangerous. I've spoken to them many times about this and at the time they agree that I would have some space but they never follow through. This is making me really miserable, and I just want them to understand that I'm an adult and want to have my own life. What could I do to make them let go?

Some parents believe in an old rule that says; "If you live under my roof you live by my rules." It is a good rule and it does have its' place though it is not meant to smother someone that is a full blown adult such as you. One reason parents impose this rule and get away with it is for people like you who may not be able to live on their own and who they may be supporting through college; more so if mom and dad are paying for college. This still does not make it right. As A parent myself I have gone through this with my son when he was in college.

What I asked of him is to be respectful of us. In that as long as he lived under our roof to let us know things such as when will he be home and if he is going to be delayed to call. Why would or did we ask this. Because he is our son and while he is living with us we would and di worry if he wasn't home when he said he would be; just like when he was younger. When he finally did leave home we still worry about him and always will though it is a different type of worry. IN fact the table have now turned as he gets upset if he doesn't know where we are so know we text him when we go out and when we return.

Other things we asked of him was not to make any extra work for his mother. To keep his room neat; to respect our things and if he makes a mess to clean up after himself. In general just be a respectful adult really not too much to ask.

When a child doesn't leave home or remains at home into adulthood that transition from child to adult is missing, especially for parents. For a daughter it is a harder thing to cut the apron strings for in the eyes of most fathers a daughter will always be his little girl even when she is all grown up and has children of her own.

What you need to do is to sit your parents down and talk with them. You start by telling them how much you love them and appreciate everything they have done and are doing for you. Then you need to remind them you are 21 legally an adult who by law they can no longer protect. Not only do you have the legal right to make your own decisions it is time that you started to make your own way in the world as you will not live with them forever and you need to prepare yourself to be on your own. Doing so with the safety net of living with them is a great help but should not be as stifling as it has been.

You gone on to say that at 21 a curfew is inappropriate. Instead you will advise them of when you expect to return so they not needlessly worry. If you are going to be late you will call or text them.

Unless you are using their car it is not appropriate for some one of your age to ask permission to go someplace so you are no longer going to ask but you may advise them if so inclined. The reason you need permission if you are using their car is because you are using their car and you need their permission because you are 21 and need permission to use their car.

You are 21 and unless and until you stand up for yourself you parent will continue to smother you. You have to break the ties that bind or they will continue even after you move out.

[view]


12/f
My parents fight. A lot. They fight about money mostly , not because they don't have good jobs, but because they both handle the money badly(we r in the upper middle class). They also fight about little stuff too tho. Sometimes they crack and scream and break things. I get stressed out about it all and have mini breakdowns because I am so scared, like I can fear pulsing through me. They will makeup and then during a trip they'll fight again and then the whole trip is ruined.
Sometimes my mom will want me to get involved and be on "her side". I feel like a traitor if I choose sides. My mom won't get a divorce BC 1. She wants to be repaid by my dad through the lifestyle and money because she made his career and 2. She knows on her own with me and my two siblings we would never be able to afford the life we have now. I don't tell my two best friends because I don't want them to think of my parents that way. In a way, pretending everything is all right is what keeps me sane. Soccer and piano help too, but I still have panic attacks even when I am doing that. What do I do?

Let’s start with the fighting. The fact they mom and dad fight does not mean they don't still love each other. Things said in the heat of an argument are rarely ever meant. The fact that they in a manner of speaking kiss and make up means they still love each other.

My God parents when they were alive constantly screamed at each other. It is just how the communicated but they loved each other to death a fact I was well aware of.

I don't know your parents so I can't really say what is behind all there arguing. Money does cause arguments. The fact that you have it does not mean you have to spend it. This in of itself can be the root cause of many arguments or it could be the other way around that one of your parents is pending money like a drunken sailor just because you do have it. This is another reason for arguments between parents.

Wanting to get a divorce because you want to be repaid for making someone’s career. This can be legitimate reason or just an excuse made to you to justify not getting a divorce. Under the law in most states a wife does have the right to 50% of her husband’s business or earnings if she is responsible for his ability to earn. Reasons would be her working and pay his way through college and schools such or Med or law school.

Now as for you. You should not upset yourself over your parents’ arguments. I know easy to say hard to do. Fact is there is little or nothing you can do. When mom or dad asks you to take their side in any argument you should simply say; "I love you both equally and I will not take sides." "Please work this out yourselves it hurts me physically to see you argue."

If they are good parents which I believe they are for you have not said differently this should bring them up short on their argument to ask you what you mean. This is when you tell them about their argument causing you panic attacks.

This is when you can suggest family counseling to help resolve whatever is causing the arguments. This is when you as to see your doctor and ask the doctor for help in suggesting family counseling.

In the alternative you can talk with a trusted teacher or your school principal about your home life and how you are having panic attacks. When a student comes to a teacher or principal as you would they are required to notify family services.

Family services would contact your parents and try to mediate the problems at home for you and to see to it you get the proper medical treatment to relieve the panic attacks. I fairly positive they would also mandate family counseling as well.
Your choice as to how you want to do this but one of these two choices is the best way to help yourself and your parents.

[view]


My parents give me no freedom whatsoever and it drives me crazy. My friends are allowed to do whatever they want, even the ones with overly strict parents get more freedom than I do. I know right now, there is nothing I can do about it, but when I turn 18 I want nothing more than to move out of my parents house. The problem is I doubt ill have enough money, im trying to get into a very expensive college my parents were planning to help pay for, I don't have a car yet, and I live in Mississippi so the legal age is 21. Can anyone help me with these issues? I read online that there was a way to move out at 18 even if your from one of the states that say to be 21. Would the police make me return home? I know this is many questions, but I'm very desperate

The Federal legal age is 18. The age of 21 is the legal age for other things such as drinking, signing contracts and other things the state may require the age of 21 for. Parents are legally required to support a child until age 18. After that age a child can be made to fend for themselves though most parents do not put their children out at age 18.

You may not legally be able to purchase a car in your state until you are 21, especially if you require a loan to do so. You may not be able to legally sign a rental agreement for an apartment in your state. Both of these agreements may require someone over the age of 21 signing as a cosigner guaranteeing payment. This does not mean you are not legally an adult.

Forall other purposes and respects at 18 you are an adult. If you were to commit a crime at age 18 you would be tried as an adult. If convicted you would be sentenced as an adult.

If you could find a place to live, possibly sharing an apartment with someone. You could move out of your parents home. The police could not force you to return to your parents home because you are legally an adult. Your parents though would also not be required to pay anything towards your college tuition if they were to change their minds once you turn 18.

This is also where it gets tricky. If you do attend college your parents, if it is an in state school and judging by what you have written, you would need your parents to sign the admissions forms for you until you are 21. Signing the admissions forms to my mind would obligate them to paying the tuition until you're 21.

I would suggest you check the law concerning age of adult in Mississippi. For if I'm correct old Mississippi State would have an abundance of enrolment each year.

You can get a proper answer by contacting legal aid nearest you. This is one area you need to know what your legal standing is so you know how to proceed once you turn 18.

[view]


I am nearly 24 years old, and I have an almost 30 year old sister who makes really stupid choices.
For the past six years, she has been dating a man who my family and I strongly disapprove of. This man is a thirty-five (almost thirty-six) high school drop-out who doesn’t work, can’t keep a job, and lives off of her support. Not only that, but he is a recovering alcoholic and has been physically abusive towards her in the past. Yet, she insists that she’s going to marry him.
Although I see no attempts on his part, I think that at their ages if they were going to get married, he would have worked at maintaining a job. They would have already tied the knot years ago. Instead I think that she’s going to wake up in a few years, realize that she is an unmarried old maid, and that this relationship has strongly screwed her up her life.
Lately I feel like this relationship is taking a toll on her health.
She says it’s not, but she’s the type of woman who becomes dependent on a man and will lie that he is doing things that we already know he is responsible for. They live out of state, so it is difficult to know what is going on. Since she has started dating I strongly doubt that she has ever had a stable, healthy relationship.
This weekend she had a bad panic/anxiety attack that may have been brought on by a hereditary thyroid condition. I know that this health condition could be caused by stress, and I think that her boyfriend is and always will be the primary cause of her stress, whether she admits it or not.
I am so tempted to attempt to break them up, but I think that this will be a bad idea.
I found out his phone number, and I want to text him and tell him that if he really loves her, he will break up with her, cut off all ties with her, move out, and tell her that he’s no longer in love with her, because he’s the primary cause of her stress..
Having had a boyfriend of four years, I am having second thoughts about doing this. We are not married or living together, solely for financial reasons. Yet my boyfriend and I are younger, and are both still in school.
I feel like it will seriously hurt her and result in no positives.
Should I restrain myself from doing so? Does even thinking of this scheme make me a bad person?

You are not a bad person; you have the best interest of your sister at heart. Loving your sister is never wrong though what you would like to do is as it will not have the outcome you wish for.

The foreseeable outcomes are:
She will hate you for breaking then up if you break then up causing her more stress.

He will tell her of your meddling and she will hate you causing a rift between you. This rift will cause both of unneeded stress and anxiety.

He is most likely a controller as well as a leech. If I am correct there is nothing you can do to break them up. Yes I'm sure your sister can do better than him but there is nothing you can do about it until she admits it to herself.

The best thing you can do for your sister is be supportive. Be there when the bottom of her world falls out from under her and it will at some point. When that happens she will need all the love and support you can give her and no of the "I told you so.

[view]


I want to apologize in advance for the length of this. I know it's not good to dislike a relative and I feel bad about it, but he's not a very good person. This might not make sense, but I love him, I just don't like him at all.

Here's the thing, he's not a good father and he treats my mother like dirt on the bottom of his shoe. Ever since my grandma died, my mom's had to take over taking care of him and I know it's hard. She has to cook, clean, wash dishes and clothes, run errands, go grocery shopping, and take him to the doctor among other things. He refuses to live with my parents and although I can't say I blame him, it means she basically has to keep two houses running. She sacrifices a LOT and doesn't get to go out or go on vacation like she wants to because of him. Yet he is extremely unappreciative and often complains and makes her feel bad about not pampering him enough or not doing it right.

I HATE to say this about him, but he's kind of a burden. He gets in the way of his family's lives sometimes. He's a real home body and has never liked going on vacation, even when he was younger. I can kind of understand that as I too am a bit of a home body, but when someone you love is counting on you to be somewhere, I CAN'T understand or agree with not being there for them. My Granddad, however just doesn't care at all. My mom had to DRAG him to my cousin's wedding because he was too selfish to be there for her, his own granddaughter. I don't even have grandchildren yet, but I know that when I do, you wouldn't be able to DRAG me AWAY from them on their wedding days. But it's just not something that's important to my granddad and this is just an example of his selfishness. He can, has, and does hurt and disappoint his family by refusing to go to important events. I didn't even bother trying to get him to agree to go to my wedding at the grand canyon because I knew he wouldn't do it.

As much as my mom sacrifices for him, he gets mad as hell anytime she does one small thing for herself. In January, my parents planned a weekend trip, but it wasn't even FOR them. My sister's birthday was on the 10th (a Saturday) and my brother in law planned a trip for them and invited me, his parents, and mine to go as well. I decided to stay home because I had things to do, but my parents went only for my sister.

That saturday night, my granddad was sick and was contemplating going to the emergency room. My mom called me and asked me to stay the night at his house in case he needed someone, so I did. Sunday morning he decided to go to the ER and I had to call an ambulance for him. When we got there, we were told he had a perforated bowel (hole in the intestines) and had to have emergency surgery to fix it. My parents hadn't even started their painful 12 hour drive home yet and didn't get here till after midnight (I called the ambulance at about 9:30). The first person to get to town was my uncle who was here at about 6:30. He sent me home to relax and when I got there, I felt like I hadn't slept in days. The stress of the situation combined with lack of sleep was exhausting. As bad as I felt, I couldn't imagine how my mom must have been feeling. She was under MORE stress as it was her dad and she was feeling very guilty for leaving him. Also, at least I got to go to bed that night. She went to the hospital and stayed with him all night long. While she was there, he woke up. He was on a ventilator, so he couldn't speak and pointed to a note pad that he wanted my mom to hand him. When she did, he angrily wrote, "You ran out on me, but Amy took good care of me!" My mom was already feeling guilty enough and it's not like anyone knew that was going to happen. She NEVER gets to go anywhere BECAUSE OF HIM and it was just a fluke that she happened to be out of town when that happened, but he basically just attacked her and treated her like dirt for leaving at all, ever, under any circumstances.

That was one of few things resembling a compliment that he's ever given me. I was borderline flattered and angered at the same time. His compliments come as often as sunshine during a rain storm and THAT compliment was wrapped in an insult. It came at the cost of my mom's feelings.

He never says I love you or anything like that. My sister has tried to get him to say it to her by saying it first, but he'd just say, "Okay" and leave. He'd rather hurt your feelings and look like a jerk than say it just once. We'd excuse it for him by saying that he just grew up in a generation when guys were taught not to say it, but our other granddad grew up in the same generation and I NEVER remember him having a problem saying it. Here's what I do remember about him though. I remember him pushing people out of the way to get to me and give me a hug, I remember him squeezing me so tight that I couldn't breathe, I remember him hugging my neck so tight it felt like he was going to break it, I remember him putting one hand each of my cheeks and kissing my forehead so hard he practically left a bruise. The closest thing to a hug that my other granddad ever gave me was when he puts his hand on my shoulder for balance.

He's also got all of these annoying ass habits that aren't reason to dislike him, but the fact that he's already not my favorite person makes them harder to put up with. I'm a bit of a germ freak and he's often sick. He coughs and sneezes without covering his face, he uses silverware he's been eating with to scoop food out of containers we ALL have to get our food out of, and after he eats, he spits little pieces of food out of his mouth and always spits them towards me. Once I made a second trip to a chicken restaurant to get some gravy they'd forgotten to give us. When I got back, he was the first person to use the gravy and he held it just a couple of inches from his face and coughed in it multiple times. I don't know if it was an accident, his way of getting the gravy all to himself, or just a big f--- you to me.

He's disgusting and likes to talk about his IBS, diarrhea, gas, and other such things during dinner. I had to take him to the doctor once when he had to bring the doc a stool sample. Being a germ freak, I didn't want to touch it, do my mom put it in multiple sacks to ensure I didn't have to touch anything the stool sample touched as well as to ensure that I didn't have to see it. It didn't work as he took the stool sample out of the sack my mom put it in to look at it.

Another annoying habit is that he's a racist and a homophobe. I'm sure a lot of old people are, but takes it to the extreme and is down right mean to gays and people of other races. He's kind of creepy and gives me anxiety by constantly staring at me and watching EVERYTHING I do. He is as hard of hearing as a person can be without being deaf and I'm always having to yell to him, which wouldn't be bad if there was nothing we could do about it. However, he has hearing aids that he refuses to wear or refuses to turn up high enough. Also, he makes all of these gross, annoying sounds while he eats which is a pet peeve of mine. I could go on, but I'll stop there.

I try to be patient with him because I'm afraid that if I'm not, karma will come back to bite me in the ass HARD when I have my own grandkids, but he drives me nuts and now I'm facing yet ANOTHER problem. My mom wants me to name my son after him.

My mom doesn't know how I feel about him and I can't tell her because it'd hurt her feelings. I want to name my fifth son Luke Philip, but my mom wants me to name him Luke Avery after grampa or grumpa as I recently started calling him (because he's grumpy). Philip is after a beloved friend of mine, practically a brother to me and my husband who was murdered a while back. Unlike grumpa, Philip was an AMAZING guy. He was sweet, sensitive, loving, generous and had a heart of gold as well as all of the qualities I'd LOVE my son to have. I'm not willing to use Avery or Philip as a first name and people have suggested I need him Luke Avery Philip or Luke Philip Avery, but I just don't want to use the name Avery. I don't know how to tell my mom that I want to name my sweet baby boy after one of the greatest people I've ever known of and not after a man I call grumpa who's ruining our lives. I've asked people what to do and they've called me disrespectful, rude, and acted like I was the ass hole for feeling this way about him. AM I the ass hole?

No you’re not a Jerk. There is an old saying that is appropriate for what you have written. "We get to choose our friends but not our relatives." Yes it is possible to love someone and not like them. This is especially true of parents and children. There will be times when you will not like you child or a child but it will not mean you do not love that child. As children get older and expand their horizons they do or say things that cause us to be unhappy with them, that do not change how much we love them.

The same is true for other relatives. There may have been a time probably when you were much younger when you not only loved your grandfather but you liked him as well. As you got older and saw him in a different, more adult manner what you saw you didn't like. That does not mean you lost your affection for him. Love and like have two very distinctive and different meanings.

As to the other things you write about some of them have to do with age and illness. Some people age gracefully. It appears your grandfather is not aging very well and is not well adding to the problem.

My best advice is to try and help your mother. You can explain to your grandfather you will have to repeat this to him that your mother cannot continue to care from him and take care of her house as well without a break. She needs time to rest she is only human. From time to time you will spend a night or weekend with him and care for him so your mom can have some time to herself or with your dad.

Here again the word "like" comes in. He doesn't have to like it and he may not want to accept it. He has no choice for that is the way it must be. There are other grandchildren and his other children, if they live nearby, should be asked to chip in their time to care for him as well. The burden to care for your granddad should not fall strictly on your mother or you. Her siblings and their children can certainly take a weekend out of their schedules to help and or take him to doctors’ appointments.

Have a conversation with your mother about this. It is wrong for her father to put this all on her especially if she has siblings that can chip in and help.

To answer your question again, you are not a bad person. You are concerned for your mom. It is very possible to love someone and not like them.

[view]


I'm 15/f
I got caught having sex with my boyfriend in a private property by the police and my boyfriend is 18. Yes I know that's illegal & a big age difference. He got arrested & my parents didn't press charges but they're super disappointed in me as you can imagine... They didn't know I was sexually active. If I had the confidence to talk about it I would of . I can't blame them for MY mistake but honestly my parents favor my sister all the damn time. Oh she makes money oh she does better in school than I do. Literally everything she does is better than I do. I've always tried to be good enough but I'm never enough. I feel like maybe I just stopped caring about that they wanted from me because they'll never be as good as my sister. Of course they have the right to favor her now & of course they care about me also but I don't know what to do with myself I honestly want to commit suicide I'm so tired of everything

Your boyfriend is very lucky; the police could have pressed charges of their own but that is another story altogether. Based on what you have written I think I know why you gave into your boyfriend and had sex with him. Knowing why and approving are two different things.

The why is simple you wanted the love you feel you're missing from your parents along with his approval and possibly you were afraid if you said no you would lose him. This is the part I can understand and I partially blame your parents for it is not right for parents to favor one child over another. Unfortunately I know all too well how that feels as I came from an entire family, my parents, Aunts and Uncles who did so.

Like you I eventually threw in the towel and said the heck with them. I was also older than you when I reached the realization that there was nothing I could do to change things in the eyes of my parents or family. The fact is I was a good kid also the oldest in the family so I got brushed aside for the younger members.

What I finally decided is the only person I have to better than is me. Meaning is if I can be a better person tomorrow than the person I am today, then I have grown and I have learned. This became a motto that I lived by. My self-esteem got better, my work ethic got better. I excelled in any classes I took whether they were work related or just to better educate myself.

My problem was not only was I competing with my sister but I was I was trying to outshine my father and every time I got close he knocked me back. When I adopted my motto he could no longer knock me back for I was no longer trying to outshine him. Then a strange thing happened, I finally received his respect which I did not fully accept but again that is a different story.

Suicide is not an answer. It is the wrong solution to a problem. You gain nothing by it and maybe you hurt some people but that hurt heels after a time. I suggest you adopt my motto or one like it. Stop competing with your sister and be your own person. Be the very best you that you can be and the heck with everyone else.

I would also suggest you find a boyfriend closer to your own age and not have sex again until you're older. For I really feel that the sex was more to feel love and not sex for the real benefit of sex or that you were truly ready as a young lady for sex.

[view]


I am 24/f. I recently moved out of my house and moved to graduate housing at my university. before i begin, i just want to give a brief description of my family. they are extremely controlling. my mother is absolutely nuts. she is a narcissist and i can tell you that she has ruined my life. both my parents are the most irresponsible people i have ever met in my life and how someone gave them a child is beyond me. i was adopted at birth. all of the paperwork and everything was set up before i was even born. she confessed to me that the reason the adoption finally went through is because she called continuously and harassed them until they gave her the child. i would like to meet the social worker who ruined my life. at this point in my life, i love them because hey are my parents. but, i don't LIKE them as people. i know it's hard for some people to understand. some of you have already read some of the things that i've written, but i will write it again for those who didn't. i need to add a couple more things that happened this weekend.

basically, my mom plays a great actress when she pretends that she wants what is best for me. she doesn't. she wants whatever makes her look good or has money. i am a person of great faith (i am just angry right now). i always thought that the reason that she didn't like my current boyfriend is because we don't share that same faith (we were already together before my conversion) and because she thinks that he didn't have money. She said that he "lacks drive" and just isn't her type. I get that she doesn't like him, but she threatened me several times. She said that if I stayed with him, I could just think of her as dead. You think that might solve the problem if she was just out of the picture, but that isn't true. her threat is just that... a threat... what it really means is that she will make my life miserable. she doesn't mean that she will stay out of my life... but rather, that she will stalk, harass, show up at my door. she even threatened that she was going to beat him up. everyone says to call the police. but, seriously, the police isn't going to do anything about a verbal threat. he has also threatened her because he got angry. so, both of them would be in trouble. i basically told my mom that we broke up, which isn't true. but, it got her off my case. she has been harassing me and harassing me about finding a new boyfriend. she says that she wants to live to see her grandchildren. so, i basically told her that there was a guy from class that i thought was cute, just to get her off my back. at first, she saw a picture of him and she said he was ugly and "forbid" me from seeing him. Then, a few weeks later, she was pretty much telling me that i better knock on his door and throw myself at him. I told her my "concerns" about him were that we didn't share the same strong beliefs and that he was poor ( i just wanted to see what she would say, since that was her gripe about my bf). She said it didn't matter because he was "hot."

The other day, I came back from church and told her I had seen a friend. She asked me if he was cute (the only thing she thinks about is hooking me up with a guy). I told her who it was. I'm here thinking that she would think that this was the perfect guy. The reason I am doing this, by the way is because I'm trying to test what it is she would want from me. what is her ideal vision for my life that I could have for her to leave me alone. this guy is a little bit older, makes a lot of money, we met at church. i was like... she's has to give a positive review. She threw everything on the floor and almost started punching me. she said she forbids me to ever see him and that he's not allowed in the house ever. so, i got in my car, and drove an hour back to my dorm because i said that this is not home if i can't even bring a friend here. additionally, i would like to add that this person has been a great friend. like, he has gone above and beyond what it means to be a friend and if i were a mother and witnessed that, i would be writing thank you notes instead of forbidding the person in the house. i told her that i wasn't angry about her not liking him. i really could not care less. what I'm angry about is the way that she treated me with a lack of respect. till today, she continues to call me to tell me that i am wrong and try to get me to see things from her point of view.

there is nothing to see. she doesn't want what is best for me. her judgement is clouded. however, she continues to control me because i'm living on campus, not in my own apartment. realistically, no matter how much is say i won't speak to her again, she weaves her way into my life. my entire family takes her side because she is "unwell" and i should "know better." they will come to my door and call the police if i chose not to answer. my mom will put herself in an institution just to make it more dramatic. and everyone will say i'm evil. they already do. apparently, i'm the cause of everyone's misfortune.

when my mom has been out of money... since she decided not to work for 20 years. the solution was to steal my identity. even before i turned 18, i had a ton of debt because she used it up. that debt was deleted, but no legal action was taken and no apology was issued. before i came to the faith, my family was involved in the occult. when my 17 year old boyfriend broke up with me, my mom's idea of making me feel so much better was taking me to a warlock who sexually abused me. when i have brought it up to her, she said that she was just trying to make me feel better. i told her that a mother is suppose to build up a child's self esteem, not make them want back a guy that did so much harm to them. she told my cousin about the incident and then they both laughed about it.... i don't think it's funny. and i hate when people say "it could be worse." Everything could be worse. try telling that to a child who was sitting there afraid, being sexually abused and people laughing about. i finally told my dad about it and he said he was angry at both of us. I was just a child and I made that very clear to him. he said my mom has always been very smart and he doesn't know what happened. by the way, my parents are divorced.

most of all, i feel like my dad is a coward who left me with this lady so that he could get away from her. then, everyone just tells me that she is my mom and wants what is best for me because she loves me. she does not love me. she is obsessed with me and thinks that i'm her little barbie doll. if she really did care about me, she would be trying to direct me towards a guy like the third one I mentioned. She would treat me with respect and not throw things at me and people have to stop her from punching me in the face. if she cared about me, she wouldn't steal my identity to buy clothes and then think it's justified because some of the clothes were for me. she wouldn't be laughing about happened to me. i was a victim. i'm so angry at both of them. they could take them to jail, fine them, put a restraining order on them... but honestly, they don't see what they have done wrong. that is what gets me angry. i feel like i am owed an apology. if i can't get that, i feel like i need validation from a jury... someone. i feel so alone. please help.


now, about her being irresponsible

I believe I answered your previous letter. In my answer then I told you that you were legally an adult and your family could not do the things you wrote about then. They still cannot do them today.

You need to take control of your life. If your relatives tell you that if you do not come to see your mother in the hospital or wherever that they will knock down your door and drag you out by your hair. If you believe they are capable of doing so and fear for your life and safety? Then their threat meats the legal definition of "Assault" and they can be arrested. This is also sufficient cause to get a protection order against any of then you believe would be involved. Should any of them start pounding on your door you call 911 and tell the call taker you have an order of protection against someone who is pounding on your door? This makes the call a priority call and officers will be dispatched to arrest them for violation of the protection order.

As for the other things with your mom, they are her problem not yours. What you do is send her a letter. In it you say "Mom I am grateful you and dad adopted me and gave me the opportunities in life that you have." "I will always love you for that, right now I do not like you very much for the way you are acting towards me; those are your problems not mine." "I am an adult and I am fully responsible for my actions" "If you don't like my boyfriend’s that's your problem, you don't like the way I dress again that's your problem, what I eat, who I chose to see and where I chose to go are all up to be and not subject to your review or approval." ""You harassing phone calls and showing up at my dorm unannounced must STOP and stop now today." "If they don't I will take the following action, !) I will get an order of protection prohibiting you from coming anywhere on campus. 2) I will notify you phone companies of your using the phone to harass me and ask them to turn your phones off."

"I do love you and I don't wish to take these actions." "Realize I am 24 years old and no longer a child that you need to protect or have a right to control." I"I would dearly love to have a proper mother daughter relationship with you." "If you force me to I will take the actions stated without hesitation or regret, the choice is yours."

Use your own words of course but this is what you have to do to take back your life. It is a form of tuff love in reverse.

Good luck

[view]


I want to know how to tell my parents that i am bi. All my Friends know But no one in my family does so how do i break the news to them?

To be honest with you at 16 years of age I would hold off telling your parents you are bisexual. Even telling your friends your bisexual was a bit premature.

It may very well be that you are bisexual and if you are there is nothing wrong with that. Some doctors and scientists are of the opinions that like Gays people that are bisexual are born this way. If you are truly bisexual you would have had these feelings long before you become sexually aware.

This is why I am saying you may be a bit premature in in labeling your sexuality. It is a rite of passage for teenagers as they become sexually aware daring puberty to experiment sexually with someone of their same sex. There are many different reasons for this among them are it is safer, parents do not questions two teenagers of the same sex being alone in the same room together or even sleeping in the same room together.

Fact is many parents try to forget that many if not most of us learned about sex thorough experimentation with the same sex. Now how far each of us went with these experimentations differs greatly depending on each of us and our partners we experimented with.

Before you tell your parents make sure you are truly bisexual. When you know for sure then embrace your sexuality for it is who you are. This will sound a little strange but; "You are who you are because you are who you are." as far as your sexuality goes you parents have nothing to do with how you ultimately manifest sexually as it is ingrained in you at conception. Remember that fact and try to calmly remind them of that fact when you do decide to tell them.

As to how to tell them? I have always found that being truthful and straight to the point is the best way. When the time is right sit them down and say; "Mom, dad I think you should know that I have found my sexuality to be bisexual." Then say no more and wait for their reaction.

I will offer this as well. If you know your parents to be avidly against homosexuality then it may be best to keep your sexuality in the closet. Why? As far as I'm concerned your sexuality is your business and given your parents feelings, if they are avidly against homosexuality. Then it is in your best interest to keep you sexuality unknown to them until you are old enough to move out and live on your own.

[view]


My father has another wife and a kid in another country. He and my mom are not married but he comes over everyday for dinner when he's in the country which is most times and takes us out for dinner/vacations/everything a father does. He didn't tell me about this other wife and my sister. I found out on my own. I don't know what to do with it though. He's a great father. And I can't wrap my head around this. My mother knows but when she had me she didn't. He promised he'd marry her. But he didn't yet he still is around with her. He doesn't give her much money only when she really really needs it and even then its a loan. So she's not here for the money. Every weekend we go to his house and they don't sleep together they actually talk. Sometimes past midnight. So I'm guessing he loves her. But I can't fathom why he wouldn't marry her or divorce the other one. But I was hoping someone here can help me with it. I don't know what I should do with this information. What should I do with it? And also any ideas on why he's doing what he's doing?

I don't think you understood what I said to you. By law whether your father is a citizen of this country or not he is financially responsible for you until you are 18. He should be giving your mother money not loaning it to her. If your mother is unwilling to ask the courts for the legal papers required to make him pay child support; You are now old enough to ask the courts to do so. This is something you are entitled to by law.

I understand you love your father. I am a father myself and I do not understand how a man cannot live up to his financial responsibilities for children he fathers. No matter how much you may love him or he says he loves you; failing to live up to his financial responsibilities, in my eyes and the eyes of many fathers, make him a poor father and even less of a man. That is why I suggested you could take him to court IF YOU CHOSE TO.

The one thing that doesn't change with this information is that he is still your father and they are still your parents married or not. This is truly something that is between them. Most likely you are the result of an affair they had and to a certain respect he has not neglected his responsibilities to you as a father or to mom as the father of her child.

Where he is neglecting his responsibilities is in the area of child support. By law he is financially responsible for you until you're 18. The money he gives her should never be a loan but part of his legal responsibility to you and her. What mom needs to do is see a lawyer and have legal papers filed requiring him to pay child support as ordered by the courts and possibly support in the arrears to make up for what he hasn't paid.

If he fail to pay the support as ordered he can be denied entry into this country if he is a foreign worker or his passport can be revoked if he is a citizen of this country. His earnings if paid by a company of this country out of an account in this country can be attached as well.

You mother may be unwilling to do this or she and you dad may have come to an agreement or she may believe what ever he may have told her when you were born. Whichever is the case there is little or nothing you can do if mom is unwilling. You can not force them to marry. As I said to begin with you are most likely the product of an affair they had and there was never a marital interest to begin with.

You may be able to ask child services to intervene for child support if you are receiving any type of public assistance. Children and Family Services would want to go after your father for support if they can to recoup any money they have given your mom in the form of public assistance. This could take time and could involve legal charges against mom for making false statements to obtain public assistance if you are receiving any type of assistance.

You may be able to initiate legal proceedings for child support against your father. This would depend on the laws in your state. For this you would have to contact an attorney. First meetings with an attorney are of no charge and if the attorney is willing to take your case the attorney may be willing to do so with payment coming from the recovery of the child support.

[view]


So I was adopted by my grandma. My mom was in my life, though. Basically my mom and my grandma both raised me. Anyway, I'm 24 and I'm living in my own townhouse with my boyfriend in a completely different county. When I lived at home, I paid the bills and helped any way I could, because I lived in the house. However, now I have my own bills I need to pay. My grandma called me constantly asking for money to pay her such-in-such bill because she couldn't afford to pay it. I refused her once, and she would always bring up the fact she adopted me and that she raised me and that I owed her for it. Then, I end up having to go to court FOR her because the old landlord sued her and she refused to go. I'm now having to pay this debt to him because I was the one who showed up. Now, again, I'm having to go to court because of something she won't pay and won't go to. I tell her that I shouldn't have to go, and she, once again, brings up the fact that she raised me and that I owe her for it. It makes me feel so horrible. I didn't ask to be born, why does she keep doing this to me? And not only that, but it is getting me and my boyfriend into HUGE fights. What can I do about this?

If it is not your bill DO NOT GO TO COURT FOR IT. Unless your name is on the bill you are not responsible for it and do not need to go to court to answer for it. I'm not sure how you were made responsible for the landlords payment by going to court for your grandmother it wasn't you debt in the first place. If I were you I would contact an attorney to see if you can get out from under that one.

Unless you are named on the Court filing or must appear as a witness you are not required to be in court for any actions against your mother or grandmother. If your name is not on this filing do not go.

As to being obligated to pay these bills because you were adopted. NO. No child is responsible for their parents obligations. Be that child the parents natural born child or an adopted child. In the most recent mortgage crisis Banks have tried to go after children and other family members to recoup their losses and have been forced to return any moneys collected by the courts in most states where they have tried this. Even for student loans unless a parents name appears on the loan application the parent is not held responsible for the students failure to pay. I know because my sons loan fell into default and they never tried to get me to pay his loans.

Do not let mom or grandma bully you or coerce you through guilt to pay their bills for them. If you can afford to and wish to is one thing. If you cannot afford to and would cause you to default on any of your bills then you tell them you can't help them. Your credit and good credit rating has to come first.

Should you decide to help your grandmother or mother do not give them cash or a personal check. Get a cashiers check from the bank and make it out to the company it is going to. I once loaned my son some money to pay a debt to pay a bill and that company used my check as authorization to debit my checking account for future payments. We settled for them cancelling his debt and a written promise never to do that to anyone else. So if you ever loan them money do so with a cashiers check made out to whatever bill you are paying.

[view]


I've never been close with my dad, ever. We've always argued. It's probably because we're so similar. I got my anxiety and depression from him, so I guess that's probably because I take my anger out on him aswell.

We argue literally every day. 98% of the time is something negative. I do admit that I call him stupid, annoying, etc. out of anger (I have anger issues). He'll always say that I'm rude, annoying, even sometimes say I'm a bitch (Or that I'm acting like one). It doesn't get physical obviously. Usually I just get mad, go to my room, and slam my door. I am in my room 99.8% of the time. He just makes me so mad. He has a short fuse too. Even asking him a question will make him burst into flames. It's ridiculous. If I ever try to talk about it or say "You need to stop that" or whatever, it just gets awkward and he gets annoyed over it and blames it on me. I always raise my voice and it just gets bad. I don't know how to stop this without getting help or talking to him. Should I go awhile not talking to him?

Without knowing your age it will be hard for me to give you any advice. What I can tell you is I could have written this letter when I lived at home with my father. Like you the best I could do was avoid him as much as possible.

For reasons I didn't learn until I was much older he blamed me for many of his failures in life. I was always wrong and he was always right. It wasn't until I joined the Air Force that he saw me as a man and things got a bit better between us. But not for long, eventually after seeking help for depression and finding he was the root cause of my depression I broke all ties with him after my mother died. He died a broken lonely old man.

I know this doesn't help you but what I am attempting to show you is you're not alone. We don't get to chose our parents. Not all families are like the ones that use to be portrayed on television.

His constant yelling and screaming at you could be seen as mental abuse which would be seen as child abuse. You could talk with a trusted teacher or your school principal. IF they feel your home life is detrimental to your well being there are actions they must take to intercede.

My son and I have a much better relationship than I had with my father. When we do have a disagreement he reminds me he is the one who will be choosing my nursing home. I remind him I am the one spending his inheritance. Of course this is just away for us to joke between us. But you and any siblings you have will have that responsibility some day. My sister chose the Adult living center she put my father in which became his nursing home. It wasn't the best it was what he could afford as neither she or I felt obligated to pay for better. When you're older you might want to remind your father of this fact.

[view]


I'm 18 and still have one year of high school to go. My mom has alwsys intimidated me in a way where I feel like speaking gets me killed. I can't fully be honest because my mom snaps at me for being ignorant and selfish. She gets pissed at me for not knowing what I want or not understanding myself, then when I tell her what's really going through my mind she says it's my fault that there's problems. Right now my younger sister wants me dead because she allows her friends to harass me and she's told me that I need to kill myself all because my mom refused to let her rejoin color guard. I tell my mom and her response is "well you shouldn't have pissed her off." What kind of parent does that?
My mom gets mad at my dad for not having emotions, but gets mad at me for feeling anything. I can't be happy because it's too awkward and I'm always depressed. My mom feels a need to yell at me for being moody or not growing up. I can't help that I'm depressed all the time and she thinks I can just suck it up and smile.
My cousin recently lost her mom and her biological father is in prison, but I'm unable to care. I'm not exaggerating, I'm literally unable to care. All I can focus on is how loud she is and inappropriate she behaves around every single living being, and yet I'm punished for even raising my voice from joy. She even told me she'd choose my cousin over me. It makes me feel worthless when she puts me down this way. I've told her to her face, but I honestly think she hates me. I'm not allowed to dislike people but she is. I'm not allowed to let out my true emotions, but she is. I'm sick of her being a hypocrite. I'm close to giving up on everything and ending my life because I'm sick of having to carebut not being allowed to.

You are in an awkward position by being 18 which makes you legally and adult though still in high school living at home. If you were a year younger there are things I could tell you to do to get help from school and family services. Being a legal adult I'm not sure if the school or family services will be able to extend that help to you.

You are in a caustic environment this is evident in the sentence you wrote; "I'm close to giving up on everything and ending my life." You need help professional help. IF you feel ending your life is the only answer then call 911 for help. Not only will you get the help you need but maybe a wakeup call will be sent to your mother.

At school talk to a favorite teacher or your school principal about what your home life is like. If you were a year younger there are definitely things they can do to help you. It is possible since you are still in school those things are still available to you. Your home life is not conducive to good school work. You do want to graduate this year and hopefully someday go on to college. Ask a teacher or the principal for help.

The other option is more drastic which is to find a full time job, drop out of school and get a GED. With a full time job you can afford to find your own place to live either a rented room or an apartment with a roommate.

You can also talk to Military recruiters about joining a Branch of the Military. They may be able to help you get your GED while in the military and you may be trained in a career that is transferrable to a civilian career or you may just like the military and make it a career.

Suicide is not an answer it is the wrong solution. If you ever or are feeling suicidal please call 911 or go to the nearest hospital emergency room and ask for help.

[view]


F/21
My fiance and I have been together 3 years. His daughter is 4 and I have helped raise her. He has split custody with mom. I understand as a "step mom" I really can't have an opinion on any of their matters and try to stay out of the fire. I text mom if we are coordinating pick up or drop off, we talk when we are all at events for their daughter or simply having a meeting for schedules. I find myself to be civil and don't think their is anything wrong with keeping our relationship as that. I don't want to be friends with her. She takes this as me hating her and tells me I think of her as a witch and hate her because I won't get to know her and base my opinions of her off gossip. She texts me every few weeks demanding a meeting. We have never had a one on one but my fiance and I never felt the need. We know each other on a co-parent basis and not as friends. She demands we be more and tries to strong arm me into things. She says she just want to be friends and start with a clean slate but I find that easier said than done. She yells at me and freaks out if I don't say yes to a lunch date. I tried to explain it scares me and makes me uncomfortable to meet her when every time I don't agree with her she yells. She doesn't understand and looks at as me trying to undermine her as the mom. She slammed me on Facebook saying I think of her daughter as my own and label myself a step mom when I'm not. Bashed me to a mother group blaming me for some relationship issue with her now x. The thing is I have reached my hand out to her and she acts as if I am some stranger and says she needs to meet me so she can judge my character, but says it has to be a one on one with no one else there. And I am backed into the corner on it. I feel like I can't get away. She wants so desperately for us to be friends we tried before and she ended up using everything I said and turning it around into bad things. Should I agree to a one on one? Do I HAVE to do this? What should I say? How do I keep the upper hand so she can't walk on me? I'm seriously at a loss. She is so angry towards me everything I say she interprets as an insult because she is a victim. I am in desperate need for advice on how to deal with this type of person. What boundaries should I set for our relationship? What is okay to say/do in this situation. I don't want to mess up and jeopardize my relationship with my fiance or step daughter.

My best advice is as follows:

1) You and your fiancé need to sit down and discuss the relationship that you will have with his daughter. Since he is co=parenting you too will be a parent when she is in your home. What would he expect of you as a parent, in other words do you have full parental authority or a limited authority when she is with you. If he asks why? That brings you to #2,

2. If your fiancé is not aware of the situation between you and his daughters mother then you must make him aware of it. Then discuss your feelings with him and I'm confident he will agree with you that you do not need to be her friend.

As to her judging your character this one is a slippery slope. It could be just what it means it could be she is looking for grounds to modify custody. Make sure your fiancé is aware of the exact words she used when communicating this to you. It is not her place to judge your character that is your fiancé's place but could become a custody issue if she makes it one. Not wanting to be a friend or inject yourself between her and you soon to be husband is not a character fault. Wanting to be a good parent to her daughter as she and her father wishes you too is a positive objective on your part.

3. Once you and your fiancé are on the same page as to his ex and what he would like your relationship to be with her. Then sit down and write her a letter; do not text. I would say it should go something like the following.

Dear___,
(Insert name of fiancé) and I have discussed at length the relationship we feel is best that I have with you and your daughter. The facts are that I am going to be her stepmother and she will be spending time with me in our home.

I feel it is important that there be continuity between our homes in how she is being raised. When she is with us it should not be like she is suddenly on holiday. What happens in your house I want to continue in ours.

I know it is not possible for you to write everything down as to how things are done in your home. What you can do is give me the bullet points of the normal things and when the abnormal occurs I can communicate with you as to how you would handle it or wish it to be handled especially if her father is not home to at the time.

Things that I feel are important that I know are things such as doctors, bedtimes, church clothes VS play clothes. What foods she is allowed, not allowed. and favorites. Allergies are important to know, do we need to carry epie pens. When she starts school homework assignments that need to be completed. In other words coming to our home should not be a holiday but what it is a visit with her father.

In other circumstances it is possible we could be friends. Given the circumstances we have I think it best that we keep our relationship to what it is. You're the mother of my fiancé daughter and I'm going to be her step mom. We should limit our communication to what is in the best interest of the child.

Right now that is the relationship I am comfortable with. In the future who knows things could change. For now please stop trying to change what is and stop trying to set up one on one meetings for I will not meet with you in that manner. My interest in communicating with you for now is strictly what is in the best interest of your daughter.

Of course use your own words though I believe that is what you need to say.

[view]


This advice is over complicated, i don't have time to do that. And it would be very hard for me to help pay for some of the expenses since the job i work at is part time and minimum wage. My father didn't pay child support and my brother has a different dad from me and we don't know where his dad is. He ran away from home when my brother was a baby. I would also like to say that I would like to start saving my money for stuff for me later on in life like when i get my license, i must pay for half the car insurance and gas on a huge gas wasting minivan. Take these into account with my situation as well.

My advice may be overly complicated though it is what has to be done to find out just what the family financial situation is, Based on what you wrote in your last question; mom is not good with her finances and spends money she needs for important things frivolously, my take on what you wrote.

It is unfortunate that at such an early stage of adulthood I'm asking you to be the adult of the family. To either take control of the family finances or at the very least sit down with mom and show her how to budget. I wish there was another easier way to do what needs to be done, there is not. If it is not done, if things like the mortgage and condo fee's are not paid on time you could lose the house. Don't pay the utility bills on time they turn them off. To have them turned on will require huge deposits.

You did not mention the gas guzzling minivan in your last question. You also do not say how old it is. I agree with the previous advisor that you should suggest to mom she get rid of this for a more gas efficient vehicle. With just the three of you I see no need for a minivan a small compact car, used or new, should meet your family needs.

If you find moms debts exceed her income then her alternatives are few and she should consider filing chapter 11 bankruptcy. This type of bankruptcy will allow her to keep the house and the car while consolidating monthly debts, other than utilities and mortgage, into one small monthly payment. This will also require she put together a budget which she will get some help in doing so.

[view]



humorist-workshop

eXTReMe Tracker