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The object of my column will be to help you help yourself by pointing you in the right direction if I can or by supplying you with WEB resources you can use that will help you find the answers your looking for.

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I asked a question earlier about how I didn't know if I should get engaged before my sister got married. By the way, I should have made it clear that I don't want to get engaged for the attention. I was saying that I ideally would like to wait so that she can have her own attention and so can I, but I don't know if that can work out. I came up with an idea a short while ago that I hope will help the situation. My sister just got engaged and is getting married in June of 2014, so what if I waited until February or so until I got engaged. Actually I don't know when my boyfriend will propose to me, but I guess I could talk to him about this and see how he feels. If we did that, then my sister could be in the spotlight by herself for almost a year and we would only be engaged together for a very short time. I'd still like to wait so that we can each have our own spotlight spotlighting the time we got engaged until the time we got married, but I don't see how that can give me enough time to plan a wedding by the time we are needing to get married.

In both you questions you use the term; " needing to get married." You do not explain what you mean by "needing to get married." Without this information it would be hard for any of us to give you any better information then we may have already done or may be able to do without understanding what you mean by this.

There's not much more to my question than what's in the title. My sister is getting married in June of 2014 and I'm thinking I might get married around that time as well. Like in August maybe. There's a reason why it may be important that I get married by that time, but I'm worried that people will think I just did it to steal my sister's thunder. Also, it's my dream to get married married in this church at the Grand Canyon, which I'm afraid people will think of as a real thunder stealing attempt. Also, I'd kind of like my own thunder. I don't get much at all. I got a tooth infection in February that was so bad I had to go to the emergency room and I liked it because it got me some attention. It's not a good enough reason to not get married when I plan to, but still. What do you think my sister and family will say?

Other than saying; "There's a reason why it may be important that I get married by that time," and "I'd kind of like my own thunder. I don't get much at all." You don't give any reason for your question that I can base an answer on.

If you have a valid reason why you need to marry before August of 2014 then I would say; no you are not stealing any thunder. Some valid reasons for needing to be married by that time that I can think of would be a scheduled deployment of your fiancé or graduation and moving for a job offering. Things of this nature.

It would not be stealing her thunder if you were to marry before her say in December of this year or before March of 2014. This would give everyone time to give her the and you both the attention your weddings deserve.

One other possibility. Have you thought about you and your sister having a double wedding. You want to talk about thunder for the brides, this one is it. Many couples have double wedding most if not all I have ever seen were between friends. I'm sure sisters and brothers have had double weddings but frankly I haven't heard of any so I believe them to be very rare.

Then their is the fact of the cost involved for the wedding. Two couple one venue is half the price if each couple is paying for their own wedding. I know you have your heart set on a specific Chapel. Maybe your sister will not have a specific church that she must be married in and not mind being married in the church you feel strongly about.

I will tell you this. If you and your sister do agree to a double wedding your friends and family will not soon forget the event for it is as I said rare when two siblings marry at the same time and place.

First thank you so much for your help
I am 15 and he just turned 16.
I don't know how how we are going to be together but we have agreed to make it work.
I'm very sure he's as vomited to this relationship as I.

Let me start by saying I am old enough to be your grandfather. What I am about to write may or may not be to your liking but is said with the best intentions.

Christian lady or not your mother is right to remind you about the perils of meeting people on line, especially young women or women of any age. While I have no reason to disbelieve your friend is anything other than what he is telling you he is; you must always be on your guard when meeting people on-line.

You don't have to be a Christian lady just a parent to remind your children of these perils. I would tell my own daughter the same thing be she your age or 25 or even 35. There are way to many sickos in this world not to be on guard at all times.

That being said on to the more important item.

To try and have a committed relationship to someone nearly 4,500 miles away has a high failure rate. I'm not saying it can't be done. Before the age of the Internet people would meet as pen pals, usually GI's and girls back home. Some actually turned into romances and marriage.

To do this though you two eventually have to meet. Right now, it appears that neither of you have away of traveling to each other or to a mid point where you can meet. I would think that this would need to be worked out first before you start working on the problem of how to tell you mother. For if you cannot work out how to meet in person the need to tell your mom becomes mute.

Until that time comes I would suggest you just enjoy the time you spend with him on-line. Should he ever ask for pictures other than fully clothed ones of you;

First: do not ever send pictures of yourself you would not show your father.

Second: If ever he asks for that type of picture it is time to end your on-line romance as he is not what he is telling you he is. He may not actually be 4,500 miles away.

If you two keep your romance alive and find away to meet in person then this is what I would suggest be done to tell your mom. Ask him to call her and introduce himself to her. This should go along way in mom putting trust in him and the fact that you two met on-line. It is doubtful that the type of person she suspects you would meet on-line would bother with calling her to introduce himself and possibly invite her to meet him and his parents on-line. Hopefully with video chat.

Then at that time you both can explain to her how you met, how long you have known each other and that you have worked out away to meet in person. You also ask for her permission and blessing for this trip to meet each other at that time.

I'm not really asking you to hide something from mom at this time for you really do not have much to hide. In a sense you have the modern day equivalent of a pen pal for whom you have developed romantic feelings for. Not so strange an occurrence, it happened with pen pals no reason it should not happen with Internet pals either.

If mom finds out I would suggest you use the analogy I just used in explaining yourself to her. For at the moment this is what I see. As I said at the beginning you may not like what I've written but it is done with the best intentions in mind. Take a wait and see attitude for now. One or both of you are going to tire of sitting home while friends are out on dates. When this happens your on-line romance will or could fade.

This is long, I apologize

I have veen with my husband for 5 years abd when we first met things were good until I met his mother... she from the start had a problem with me and portrayed me as being the women who was coming between her and her son. She has tried to break us up countless times, called us 25+ times a day, left nasty voicemails...we both changed our numbers and moved because it became unbearable. We move...then 2 years later we decide to try again a d forgive her so we wrote her a letter. She wrote back again indicating her son atopped talking to her bwacause of me etc. No, Her son stopped talking to her because well several reasons... she was on drugs, in and out of rehab and lost several apartments from not paying rent and her rude manipulative ways. We have gone to the police.. now here is the problem, she lives in the next state over and we do not know where sge is. ANYWAY! after changing jobs...she eventually finds out where my husband works and has been calling his work! He is pissed! We do not know what to do as we dont know where she lives... please help!!!

-at wits end

Don't under estimate the powers of the police to find someone especially your mother in-law. You say she has been on drugs and in and out of rehab. It may be possible she has been in jail for being in possession of drugs and therefore may be on active parole. If so she has to be registered with a parole officer and have regularly scheduled visits or at the very least have her living address registered with the department of parole and probation.

If she is working then she has to have a social security number. The police can track her down through this, something you cannot do.

Harassing people, even relatives is is illegal. Depending on the degree of harassment she can be charged with a misdemeanor or a felony.

Calling 25 times a day, calling someone at work asking neighbors where she can find you is all considered harassment. You should inform neighbors that no one is to be told where you work unless they are law enforcement agents. Family and friends who you want to reach you or might need to find you all have information as how to reach you.

My suggestion n is you turn this matter over to your local police or sheriff. File what ever charges they suggest and let them handle this from there. If she contacts you arrange a meeting and bring the police with you or have them go in your place.

F/high school age
my boyfriend lives in another country (4212 miles away). we've been together almost 3 months, we Skype everyday, and obviously we are an online relationship. i KNOW hes my soul mate.
..my mother is a strict christian lady and she has told me multiple times "no talking to strangers online" (as if i was 13!!) she always talks to me about molesters and men whom rape and hurt young woman and they draw them in through the internet,she asumes any guy on the internet is there to hurt girls (or something)
i know that if she met him she would love him,... but what do i say? how? shes a very loving person and she trusts me... but no guys on the internet... i know im in over my head, but if i didn't want to spend the rest of my life with this boy i wouldn't worry about telling her...
Well thank you for any help or advise you might have

Before I can answer or would answer this question I need some information from you.

1. I need to know how old the two of you are.

2. You say; "know im in over my head, but if i didn't want to spend the rest of my life with this boy i wouldn't worry about telling her..." With this being your feeling and 4,000 miles between you; How do you see the two of you ever getting together?

3. Is he as committed to you as you feel you are to him? Are you sure?

The say distance makes the heart grow fonder and I am not going where your mother feels with internet relations as my son is now dating a very nice girl he met on the internet. Only difference they live 15 miles apart.

Not knowing you age I ask that you answer these questions for me, then write me back with your answers in a private message with your answers. Then I can help you with a proper answer.

I know both my parents want the best of me but they're always so insulting and they're always comparing me to other children. I'm 20 years old and a college senior and for all I can remember, I've never heard my parents tell me they're proud of me. All my dad tells me is that I'm a disappointment. If not to my face, my parents still talk. My dad tell me I have a lazy mind with no motivation. Yet my dad says that I don't talk to him nor tell him what problems I'm facing. If they get mad at me over a specific situation, they never let it go. Every time I get another insulting lecture from my dad, the same situation is brought up. I got the courage once to tell him that he's so negative all the time to me but he turned it around to use it against me saying that because of my attitudes I am where I am today. I don't feel disappointed in myself personally but to them, I will always feel like one. Especially since I'm told straight up that I am a disappointment. I don't know what to do. How can I have a friendly father-daughter relationship if this is what he says about me? My family loves to talk about other people's families and their faults during their normal family conversations but yet they can't focus on their own. I'm not saying I'm completely right but I really don't feel the change has to start with me. I always function better in a positive environment with support from my loved ones and I can't even get that. I feel like I'm expected to be a perfect child just the way they see other people's children. Surely no family is perfect but I'm sure other parents don't tell their children half of what I'm told. Not only am I a disappointment, I have a bad attitude, bad facial expressions, and I'm spoon-fed too much. Once when my face was breaking out due to school and exam stress and just having acne issues, I was severely insulted by my mom saying that I must like to look that way since I obviously don't care about my face that that my mom would have been afraid to show her face in public if hers looked like mine with the acne. My biggest fear is that I would screw up badly and have them shut me out completely but it seems like everything I do will always cause an issue. I feel so much more comfortable in public when my dads not with me, like if my family decides to go to church and whatnot because he always scrutinizes everything. I sing regularly and he always has negative remarks. If I happen to sing decently to his standards, he won't say anything. Either that or he's just given up on the remarks of that day. I don't want to lose respect for my parents, especially my father. But I haven't ever felt close to him. He always thinks he understands everything and knows better than everyone else and it's just overwhelming to deal with. I don't know how much longer I can handle this. Please help me someone. Im literally crying my eyes out while writing this. Thank you.

It is unfortunate that there are parents in this world like yours. You are not alone in having parents like that. While I won't defend them for I know they are wrong. Just for your knowledge they were probably treated this way by their parents and it is what they know or knew about parenting. For we are a product of our up bringing. This does not mean you will be this way with your children or that you have to sit there and take it.

First: You may be your parents child though at age 20 you are no longer a child. You are an adult and when you graduate in the spring you will fully enter the adult world. You will for the first time in your life be totally independent of your parents. They no longer will have anyway to control you; be it money for school or anything else once you establish yourself with a job and your own living space. They can no longer ground you, take your car away from you or anything else that made you dependent or feel like a child.

Second: The type of father-daughter relationship you envy or desire is probably not in your future. What is in your future is the ability to set your own goals and your own life path.

I know exactly how you feel at this time for I spent most of my life trying to live up to what I felt were my fathers standards. I never once received a complement from him either. Nothing I did was good enough and he could always do something better that I did. Even when I received a special promotion, for outstanding performance, to a rank almost no one obtains in their first 4 years in service. What did my father say; "I guess you did something right, huh."

Right then I decided to stop trying to impress him. The only person I truly had to impress was me. The only person I had to be was to be a better person tomorrow than I was today. I found better roll models to follow. This worked for me. I became more independent, I exceled at what I did and I have made an excellent living for my family and me.

My father never really changed who he was and he missed out on a lot with me and my family. At one point he crossed the line and I wrote to him and told him everything I felt he had done wrong to me going back to my earliest memories.

My fathers attitude was such that when I was nearly killed in an auto accident,, that I was totally blameless in, was to ignore me. For other reasons as part of my recovery I ended up in the care of a psychologist learning to deal with my injuries. Through the psychologist I learned a great deal more about myself and my life. I learned that you can't always be what someone else wants you to be or have that someone be what you want them to be. This I believe is where your at now.

You may never have the relationship with your father or your mother you desire. What you can do is make sure your children have the relationship with you that you want to have with your parents. Not to make the mistakes with your children your parents have made with you.

It is unfortunate we do not get to choose our parents as we do our friends. There are times when you just have to say I will just have to tolerate them from a distance and there are times when you say enough is enough and put them out of your life.

My advice is that while your still in school that you visit the health center and take advantage of counseling sessions that are available to you. I believe having the opportunity to talk with a psychologist and actually verbalize how you are feeling will do you more good then we can do for you here.

my niece let's call her Kat she is only 12 years old she told me that she has an online boyfriend and she isn't even allowed to date until she is 16 I mean she is 12. she doesn't live with her mom she lives with me and my mom . could she be doing this for attention because she doesn't live with her mom. also she has other behaviors I am concerned about she's always talking about how she drinks and is always talking about boys. I have caught her smoking ciggerates already what should I do I am only 16

Even though you are only 4 years older than you niece you are proving to be a good caring Aunt. I doubt your niece sees you as anything more than maybe an older sister certainly not someone who has any type of parental control over her. This would make it extremely hard for you to do anything to correct her other than lead by example which I suspect you are already doing.

The best thing for you to do is to let your mom know what you know to be fact. I assume mom is her guardian and therefore has full parental authority to discipline your niece for transgressions and wrong doing.

One thing you are most probably correct about is that your niece is most likely rebelling or acting out because she is not with her mother for whatever reasons. I would suggest you say so to your mom and suggest counseling for your niece so she can have an outlet for her anger that won't come back on her and to have that anger channeled into a more productive manner.

I am really at a loss her. My adult daughter has two children and is divorced. She has been seeing a nice young man off and on for a couple of years. I contacted him by text one weekend to ask if he knew if her boys had bought something for her for a special occasion. If not, I was going to take them shopping. He answered my question and that was the end of it. Well, now she's told me that it's inappropriate for me to contact her boyfriend without her knowledge. I explained what had taken place but she insisted I was in the wrong and must respect her boundaries. Was that inappropriate?

This is one of those questions that has no right answer. You said; "She has been seeing a nice young man off and on for a couple of years." This puts their relationship in question." Is he a boy friend, a boyfriend or future husband? By virtue of the off and on again relationship he is not at this time as seen by her a future husband or a even maybe a boyfriend.

In her mind by contacting him about what she sees as what might be a very intimate family related question. You have given him reason to think his status with her has elevated to the area of boyfriend." Divorced people are very timid in general when it comes to that next relationship so they are sometimes overly cautious in categorizing their relationships. In your daughters mind you crossed a boundary she may have established for herself.

That was her side of the story. Putting myself in your shoes. If this person is someone I know who has been to my home on more than one occasion. Who has dated my daughter and knows my grandchildren well enough that he may have been allowed to take them shopping. Then I would have done the same thing as you did and called him so as not to spoil a surprise for her.

As I said to begin with there is no right answer here. I see you both as being wrong and right. She is wrong to have said what she did. You unknowingly crossed a boundary she has. Know that you know I'm sure you won't do it again. She needs to tell you if she has any other boundaries that you need to be aware of so that you don't inadvertently cross them. On a scale of 1 to 10 of wrong this ranks maybe as a 2 for your daughter has never informed you of her boundaries.

My son when he gets comfortable with a girl friend he brings her to meet us. At that point she is a girlfriend and we can consider her as part of the family and discuss openly anything we would normally discuss or talk about with other family member present. These are his boundaries and he set them with us a long time ago. I would suggest to keep peace with your daughter in the future you do the same with her. As far as any wrong doing on your part now?

I don't think so. I think in the same situation I would have done as you did.

Hi i hard sex with my mom elder brother daughter and since then i haven't been with my normal sense.. please will God ever forgive me for this cos its never going to happen again and i did this out of drunk... please am wating for an answer... thank you all

In my view you made an alcoholic fueled mistake. Mistakes are not sinful. Sins are something you fully intentionally do that are against god's or mans law. From what you write this was not and intentional act on your part.

You had sex with a first cousin not your sister. Still in most developed nations this is considered unlawful. I'm not sure it is also considered all that sinful. If it is it was not your intent in that you planned to do so and also by law anything done while drunk in regard to sex is done without consent as you cannot legally consent when drunk.

Short answer. Yes you did something we all have been told from the time we figure out our penis is for more than urinating that you did something wrong. I do not believe you committed a sin and you are beating yourself up for no reason. Yes, you feel bad because of how we are all taught. Speak to your cousin and clear the air. Make sure she knows this was a one time thing you did while drunk and will never happen again. Short of you actually raping her she had a hand in this as well if she consented or was drunk too.

One other thing let this be a lesson in the demons of drinking. Consider scaling back or not drinking at all in the future.

I will go with it straight: I have this little cousin - he's in like third or second grade - that is down right...inappropriate. See his parents aren't exactly the best ones there are, which I feel so very sorry about, really, his dad is my uncle and he's a great guy but throughly irresponsible. His mom is nice too but like I said: they avoid responsibilities. Sorry I went off topic. I just wanted you to know that I do indeed feel sympathy for him, but his actions sometimes really...set me off. My grandparents tend to him like he's their own son - which is not necessarily bad - and therefore always got him whatever he wanted with no exception - which is the bad part. He's idol - unfortunately - is my brother and therefore anything my brother has, he needs to have, anything my brother does he needs to do. He's really loud and disrespectful:

-When nobody's paying attention to him because they're having a VERY important conversation, he jumps right in to scream nonsense like: LOOK AT THAT! LOOK AT THIS!

-He is per-ver-ted: He loves it when on TV shows a man or a woman show private parts (even though they don't show it) and he made a comment to my mom and dad that I will not repeat because it makes really nauseous and dirty.

-He is always getting sick: Sometimes he fakes it, other times it's for real so it's really hard to tell when he's really sick, like when has (shudder) diarreah or vomit. Yuck.

The worst part is that nobody really...makes him understand that the stuff he does or says are wrong. Oh, something I forgot: he disrespects my grandfather, greatly. And my grandmother defends him.

The last time my brother was in the hospital me and my sister had to go with my grandparents to their house (it was 11pm) and you know what they did? They went over to my cousin's other grandparents's house, woke them up, and took my cousin with us (they put up the excuse that he would probably still be awake and that he would be immensely bored because they didn't have any electronically devices thy my brother liked). My cousin was fast asleep when they picked him up. My sister and I literally went to sleep at 1am because of their impulse. Plus I'm pretty sure they made my cousin's other grandparents feel really bad by taking him.

All in all: What in the world can I do? Don't say wait until your older and move out or live with please, I've already been dealing with him for five years. Just remember, I'm not saying I hate him, I just wish he could be a little bit more...sane.

The fact that you did not give your age makes answering you just a bit tougher. You say;"I've already been dealing with him for five years." I could and will take this to mean you are at least 12 years old.

IF I am correct then from what you have written; your cousin is somewhat a normal 7 year old doing what most all children of his age and age difference to you always do. Yes, from what you have written your grandparents do seem to show him a bit of favoritism. Unfortunately grandparents have a tendency to do this. I myself am guilty of that transgression with any child I deem to be somewhat under privileged or emotionally or physically handicapped.

As a young pre-teen or teenager going through puberty as well. The actions of a child this age can be annoying if not down right obnoxious at times for you. The problem is there is not a lot you can do about it for he is family and you are two young to go up to your Aunt or Uncle and tell them they need to get their act together and be better parents.

One day you too will become a parent. When it happens it is a scary time for when that child comes into the world it does not come with a handbook of how to be a good parent. We learn on the job and hopefully we are mature enough to recognize the responsibility and can draw upon the good way we were raised to start with.

I know this last part does not help you today. What you can do is when you around your cousin is to try and show him better ways to act. Say when he tries to draw attention to himself. You could say to him; "Billy they are talking you should wait for them to finish before you ask for something or start talking. Correct him gently when you see him doing something wrong. You are allowed to correct him especially if you see him doing something that could hurt him. You are not allowed to discipline him except if you are baby sitting for him. Discipline is strictly the role of the parents.

If there is nothing else you can do then try to get away from him. Go to your room and close and lock you door. This way he cannot just walk in he will have to knock. He probably won't knock he will either scream your name or kick at the door. This is another time for you to teach him how to properly get your attention when your door is closed

Other than what I have advised I cannot think of anything else that you can do for the moment or at least for the next five or six years.

Why do i feel like this everyday? What can i do?
I know everyone has seen something like this before. I have looked at other peoples questions like this but they are not the answers i'm looking for. I'm 17. I hate my parents more than anyone. I have one person who used to be my friend but i don't like him anymore. If i bump into an object/wall i get angry and punch it or kick it. I hate everything about myself. I'm pessimistic about everything. I used to think about suicide but then i realized its everyone else who is my problem and i wish they would die or get out of my life completely. The only things i love at all would be my 2 dogs. and surfing the internet after i play with my dogs. That;s my life now, it's summer , but i am stuck here at my room, i don't want to go out, may father is always intrusive what i am doing, when i go out with friends, just once a week last month, when i got home he always do say i am flirting with a boy(im bi, and he knows it). That's why i never get out with my friends anymore. It change me a lot what my father treat me. I am not social at all. The friends i used to have came to me i didn't go to them. Sometimes i can manage to act happy but really inside i want to put a hole in something. I am so mad with my father, last 2 months he punched me, and kick me in my leg, just because i forgot to feed his chicken, i am eating that time and i said to him, wait i will just finish my breakfast, and he yelled at me saying you respondent idiot, he cussed me while im eating, thats what happen, then he punched me and kick me. Not only that, much more. I wish he die, i tell my mom all the time when im pissed of him. I don't know where to release my anger towards my father. And because of this i am always offer profanity, to anyone even to my mother. When my father got home, i shut to my bedroom. I have been this way for 2 years and i only get angrier by the year. Most of the things that used to make me happy are dead to me. My parents are getting sick of my constant angry attitude and violence toward inanimate objects and to my sister, and friends of my sister, i get angry all the time. I go to a "special" school full of the most idiotic people you can imagine. Really i'm not sure how much more i can take before i have a mental breakdown. Sometimes i am thinking hanging my self. :( need your advice guys . I am from philippines.

You definitely have some anger issues and may be depressed as well. We are not doctors so making a diagnoses is not something we can do for you.

One thing for sure from what you have written is your father is abusing you. In most countries child abuse is unlawful. I would think it is illegal in the PI though I am not familiar with the laws there and it has been over 40 years since I was stationed their at Clark, AFB. I also do not know at what age you are considered an adult in the PI for if you are considered an adult then your father hitting you is assault. which I know is illegal in the PI and you can go to the police. You can also move out of his house if you can afford to live on your own.

No matter what you decide to do about your fathers assaulting or abusing you. I believe that you need to seek a qualified psychologist to help you deal with your anger issues and possible depression. Properly dealing with these issues and what your father is doing to you is the only way to regain control over your life and feeling better.

my 22 year old daughter is in jail for the next year for a hit and run. If she admitted what she did they would have gone easier on her but she refused. She was also drunk when the accident happened and she revealed to me she has a drinking problem. Something I was never able to see before. So I wonder, in jail you obviously won't have access to alcohol. Is one year away from it enough to be able to give it up? If so, then maybe a year in jail won't be a bad thing for her and she will learn some discipline and maybe realize because of her problem she lost her freedom.

I will not lie, it is kind of comforting to know exactly where she is everyday and know she is not out doing something dangerous.

if this is not enough though, what else can be done?

Unfortunately the answer to your question is both yes and no. The tendency along with the availability and opportunity to return to the dependency is generally very high.

The problem with problem drinkers is that they don't believe they have a problem. Until they do they will not give up drinking. For family members of a problem drinker this is truly a problem of being able to lead a horse to water but not being able to force the horse to drink.

Every alcoholic has to hit bottom before they will accept help. It is possible that being in prison and attending aa meetings in prison is her bottom. IT may not be if she has not accepted responsibility for the accident.

My brother in-law is 25 years sober and credits aa for saving him. His bottom was waking up in the drunk tank. In fact he also credits the cop who arrested him and getting him into aa for saving him. They are now and have been the best of friends since his arrest.

Just where the bottom is for your daughter no one can say. What I can offer you is this. While she is in jail and after she is released you could benefit greatly by attending al-anon meetings. Al-anon is a support group for friends and family members of people like your daughter. By meeting with others in similar situations you learn how to deal with your situation. Below is a link to the al-anon home page meeting locator page.

http://al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings

I wanna do sex with my bro

anongirl1 is right in what she wrote. I will add to that that incest is illegal in all 50 states and most of the developed countries of the world. With good reason I might add.

While it may make for tantalizing fiction that is where it should remain. If this desire of yours is so overwhelming that you cant keep you hands off your brother then you should seek the help of a qualified psychologist to deal with this before you are seriously hurt by this desire.

Hi! I've seen a lot of questions regarding similar topics but none seem fitting to my situation.
I am currently 20 years old—old enough to recognize attraction or this type behavior in my opinion.
My parents have been married for about eighteen years now and my mom HAS cheated in the past. I think I was about 9 years old at the time, and its just a vague memory but I do know that no one has ever found out about it. I've never told anyone that except for my childhood best friend.
Anyways, a a few weeks back my mom mentioned this younger guy at work that she said 'had a crush' on her. We laughed it off for a while. But recently I see her texting all the time (this is weird because my mom doesn't text anyone, at all. She didn't even know how until I taught her)
I felt bad but the curiosity was killing me so in the middle of the night I checked her phone. She had text messages from a random number saying things like "I'm always going to be here for you. You have me blah blah." And her responses were something along the lines of "I really needed to hear that from you."
For the past weeks she keeps saying that she wants to go out, and that she wishes she could do this and that. And even that she wants to separate from my Dad? She even encouraged my Dad, my sister and myself to go away for the weekend without her because she had to work. Then, she told me to check a name of someone on facebook for her(as you can tell shes not very technology savvy) It was of course a younger guy, and she told me it was the same one that had a crush on her.
When I looked at her phone again, she had added this boy to her contacts but under a female name. And I know its the same number as before because I wrote it down.
I honestly don't know what to do. I don't even know what to think. At this point I don't think I'm jumping to conclusions or being paranoid, I know there is something there. I just don't know what kind of relationship she is having with this guy. And If maybe I should sit down with her and talk about it? Please give me some insight, I thought about talking about this with my friends but it's kind of embarrassing considering they come over my house all the time.
Thanks in advance!

No matter how much it hurts you. If you decide to talk to your mother about what you think you have found. You will end up on the wrong side of this issue.

Whatever mom may be doing or not doing the way you found out about this or think you found something; you did so by violating her privacy. You would be livid if mom did this to you I'm sure. This would cause a wide rift in the area of trust between you and your mom regardless of whether your suspicions are right or wrong.

Next is the problem of talking to mom about what you think you have found. Regardless of how delicately you try to approach her, mom will take this as you confronting her. Confrontations never end well. Someone or all involved in the confrontation are going to come away being hurt and resentful.

Lastly as much as you believe you have a vested interest in what you believe is happening; you do not. The only people who have any interest is your mom and your dad for it is their marriage. Yes you and your siblings are effect regardless. Though having a say at any point as whatever is happening unfolds can only cause you more harm. Once this comes to light if it comes to light then you can have your say and even pick a side if you choose to.

Until then the best thing fro you to do is to remain silent about what you believe you know. This is one of those unfortunate circumstances that come along at times where you are damned if you do and can be damned if you don't. Though you at this point are far safer if you don't.

At the end of November I found my biological siblings. I have a brother who is a 36 year old grown man. We bagan to talk through text and on the phone and seemed to gotten along well. My problem is that in the past month, he has sent me 3 digusting photos of his penis. I explained to him the first 2 times in a calm mannr that I am his sister and it is comple yr elt unacceptable behavior and makes me very uncomfortable. The third time, I lost my patience and decided to tell him like it was. He didnt seem to take me seriously...he is a great guy and we get along sooo well when he acts normal. Now I am in a debate whether to meet him and hope he processes it or run for the hills. I met with my biological sister and told her about him flirting with me, I did not tell her about his photos because I felt it was better unsaid. Is he not getting it? Maybe he is a creep?... Do I try and meet him? Help

Not only is you brother being inappropriate towards you. He is sexually harassing you by sending inappropriate pictures to you over the Internet. Something else that can be deemed as illegal since you are not wanting or accepting of these pictures.

The sending of pornographic material to you does not make your brother a child molester as was his father, neither does it rule him out as one. Studies do show that if molested as a child molested children are more likely to molest as an adult. If your brother has children then this is something his wife needs to know about so she can take the appropriate action to protect her children.

As for you meeting with your brother? My advice would be that you do not. Instead I would advise that you once again tell him that his actions towards you are not acceptable, are unwarranted and illegal. That if they continues to harrass you you will have no choice but to report him to the police. You can decided if you want to tell him you have or will advice his wife of his actions should you decided to do so, if he is married w/children. If he is married and has children I would strongly suggest you do speak with your sister in-law so she can make sure her children have not been harmed.

You have done nothing wrong here and are the one being harmed. Nothing says that had you not been taken from your parents and adopted out what is happening would not have happened and may have happened sooner. It may have even lead to your brother molesting you as a younger sibling.

We can only advise you to do what we would do in your situation or what we feel is right in this situation. You have the final say in what you should do. As his children's Aunt if you suspect your brother may be a child molester, as much as it might hurt to advise his wife or even the police. You have every right and the responsibility to protect you niece or nephews from him.

Sorry for the length. My dad can be selfish, condescending, self righteous, hypocritical, and hateful. Worst of all, he and I aren't around each other enough to be very close and he favors my sister to a point where I don't feel like he's her father and my father as well. When she's not around, he is nice enough, but when she is, it's like he's only got enough niceness to go around and she gets it all. He takes her side all the time and assumes that I'm going to be a jerk to her before I've even done anything. She just got engaged Friday night and my mom has concerns about her fiancee, which my dad is on her back about saying how disappointed he is in her for not being happy for my sister and supporting her any decision she made. What sucks is that I know there are decisions I could make that he wouldn't support. He told me that he wouldn't let a man marry me if he didn't like him and Saturday night, I made a decision I know he won't be happy about. I'm 25 years old and I still go to my parents baptist church, but have just chosen not to anymore. I'm going to explore other churches and denominations, but I can just hear my dad yelling about it as if our church is the only acceptable one in the world. Not to be selfish, but a little part of me was hoping that I'd get married before my sister so that I'd be in the spotlight for once. I can't see my dad caring as much about my wedding as he does about her's, but if mine came first, he might care as much or at least act like he did. What's sad is that recently, to prevent more negative feelings, I've decided to stop caring about my problems with my dad. I feel like there's nothing I can do about them, but I know it's wrong not to care. What should I do?

In a sense I have been where your at. I was the child my father never wanted. No my parents were not forced to marry they were married 3 years before I arrived. I'm a WWII war baby and my father married my mother during the war mostly to have someone to worry for him and waiting for him when he came home. Mom got pregnant with me shortly after he came home and his father forced him to man up and take responsibility.

I spent my whole life trying to please him with long periods of him not talking to me when I displeased him. In the end before he died he and I hadn't spoken or seen each other for over 10 years. My mom had died, she was the referee between us and I saw no further reason to keep up the charade.

It appears from your writing that your situation is not all that dissimilar. Your 25 an adult who should be responsible for herself. Yes it would be nice if your dad supported you and the decisions you make. Showed you the love and attention you deserve.

Nice is one thing and reality is another. You have to deal with the reality you have. Be happy for your sister. You were right not to run off and marry the first guy to come along. Neither should you marry the next guy to come along just to grab your fathers attention.

I think you are right to strike out on your own and seek out other churches other denominations. There is more to life then one church one denomination. You should explore other parts of life as well. You should try to explore the many great things this life has to offer us. Be it be back packing through this country or others; or just exploring different pleasures you have not had the chance to explore.

I don't think you have chosen not to care about your dad and the problems between you. I think you have chosen to ignore them, there is a difference. By choosing to ignore them you are also choosing to move on with your life regardless of how he may feel. If you chose not to care you could not truly move on with your life.

You have made the same choice about your dad and your problems with him that I made about my dad and our problems. I can support this choice and urge you forward. If you are still living at home I would also urge you find away to move out, even if it means finding a room or a roommate to move in with.

You cannot fully appreciate life as an adult while living under your fathers roof and under his thumb.

I understand you suggest that I take my daughter to get counseling to deal with her mother being in jail, I think however she is handling it well. She seems to have accepted "OK my mother committed a crime and is serving her punishiment, and she will be out in a year" and is now just living her life like normal. Isn't that a better way of handing the situation instead of being hysterical about it?

There is probably more to this then you are telling me, this would not be unusual. I base my advice on what you tell me, what I can read between the lines and my years of knowledge as a senior citizen. If I need advice in answering any question I chose to answer I either research the answer on the web or I have a host of friends and acquaintances in various fields and professions I can call upon for their input.

For instance, if I remember correctly, you told me your wife went to jail for check fraud. An acquaintance of mine is a Circuit Court Judge. In conversation with him he told me that was a very light sentence for this crime and was surprised your wife was not given a suspended sentence, probation and community service instead. He suspected there was more to this than what I was aware of; I greed with him. You have never told me how you feel about what your wife did; why she told you or why you suspect she did it if she hasn't told you.

As I've said to you before I don’t know you or your daughter and this is the only way I will communicate with you. So with the information at hand I make my decision on what or how to advise you. In your case my concern at first and still is primarily for your daughter. My concern is for when she is not around you, when she is in school or out doing other things. Children at this age can be horrible to one another. Her mother is in jail and the other kids in school will if they don’t already know find out about it. I would expect her to be teased unmercifully about this. This is why I suggested you find her a psychologist to speak with. Here again I do not know your daughter but depending on how you are handling your wife’s incarceration or she is viewing your handling, your daughter may be putting up a strong front for you.

I can’t say one way or another as I’m not there to observe her nor have I known her prior to your wife going to jail. A skilled therapist can get through all this and find out if your daughter is truly okay with everything. The fact that you continue to write and ask about this also tells me you suspect, maybe in the back of your mind, that things are not quite right.

Frankly I think you both should see a therapist and let the therapist guide you in a conversation about all this. I can’t do this for you and I honestly feel this is something that will benefit both of you. I have given you all the advice I can but I am not a psychologist or any other type of professional who can help you. I can only advise you on what I would do in your situation.

Since I truly believe you need to seek professional guidance with this I cannot give you any further advice on this matter.

I'm in my late 20's, and my parents are now recently separated and in the process of going through with a divorce. My mom has no boundaries with regard to keeping me out of the mess. She calls me and keeps trying to convince me to tell my dad to move back. I know very well that there's no way he will. I tell her that she cannot drag me into their mess, as it is between them two. She just calls and calls, telling me it's not right, that I need to talk to him, it'll affect her and our future, etc. I told her to respect my boundaries, but it seems to go through one ear and out the other. What can I do to make it clear to her that I want ZERO to do with their issues, and stop her from trying to drag me into it? What can I do to make sure that she will actually respect my boundaries?

Unfortunately you have about as much chance of your mother respecting your boundaries as an ice cube does in a warm place. What you can do is one of the following.

If you have caller ID on your phone and voice mail or an answering machine. When your mother calls, let her calls go to voice mail or the answering machine or monitor the answering machine to make sure she is not in need of you for an illness or is hurt. Then decide if you When to call her back.

When you do speak to her if her call is anothe of those to pull you into taking her side or convincing your father to do what she wants. Say to her "mom I love you both but I will not be dragged into the middle of this." "I have other things to do right now so if there is nothing else I will have to call you back." Then disconnect from the call as fast as you can. You may have to do this a number of times before she gets the message that you are not going to listen to her.

If you mom has a sister or brother you can appeal to whoever you feel can best reason with her or if her parents are still living then you can also ask for their help. I would suggest asking your grandparents first if you can as no matter how old we get we still tend to listen to the advise we get from our parents.

I hope my advice helps for it is an unfortunate part of a divorce that the children do get drawn in. Fortunately you are older and mature enough to understand this is not your fight or any of your fault. That this is between your parents and you love them both regardless and want to be left out of it. Actually you should or could tell your mother just that if you have not already done so. Send it to her in an email as well so she sees it for hearing it may as you say go in one ear and out the other.

I think my parents are slightly if not extremely controlling. I'm not going to brag, but I would say in all, I am a good kid. For reference, I'm 19 turning 20 in a month. My ethnic background is South Asian, and religious background of Islam/Muslim. I'm female.

I've never drunk, done drugs, smoked, had a bad group of friends, partied, broken the law or anything like that, or much less even dated. Personally for me, those things go against my core values, beliefs and they're not my cup of tea of "fun".

But regardless of that, my parents still restrict me in so many ways. My father gets suspicious if I say I want to go to the library to do my homework (I'm homeschooled) because I can't concentrate at home, and my dad tends to give off this negative vibe all the time. He never has anything positive or good to say about anything. I prefer to be in a positive and comforting environment.

And then he's even mentioned that if he wants, he can come follow me to the library to see what I'm really doing. He's mentioned that plenty of times whenever I've said that I want to go to the gym or anything like that. I don't think he actually has, but I wouldn't know.

Personally, I find that extremely offensive, degrading in a way, and disrespectful. He's basically implying that I'm frolicking about doing God-knows-what with Who-knows-who.

I hate having to lie to parents but I feel like I'm going to start to have to now to actually be able to do the things I enjoy doing in life, and start having a social life.

I told my parents I wanted to do the Spartan Race, which by the way is the most amazing obstacle course/fitness challenge. They said I couldn't, and they even yelled at me. Because "this isn't for girls" and that there are "boys there."

So I basically registered and am going to have to come up with a lie (that I'm still thinking of) so I can go to the race this summer.

Next week, I'm planning on going to another military training course called the "O course" as practice for the actual race, and of course, my parents will NOT let me go ever. I'm going to have to lie to them again. Which makes me feel guilty, sad, and goes against my beliefs because I'm a believer in honesty!!

Yet when I mention it to my Dad, and tell him that I am an adult and that I can do whatever I want (NOT that I'm even doing anything wrong to begin with) he starts going crazy and yells at me. And tells me to get out of his, and go live with my Mom.

Now, if I'm at my Mom's and try to explain to her the same thing, she'll go a little crazy maybe call me a bitch, and then give me the could shoulder.

Honestly, what do I do? I want to be respectful of my parents but still be able to live my OWN life.

I'm not able to move out yet, because I'm not financially able to support myself though I am thinking about it for the future. It's just.. I've wasted so much of my life.. doing NOTHING. Putting a leash on my passions, and what the things I love to do.

Your heritage has you trapped between between a rock and a hard place, especially if you live in the USA. You say your 19 turning 20, your registration to this site shows you to be 13 which is confusing to those of us who can see this information. You may want to update this information.

In any case being 19 almost twenty if living in the USA you have certain rights for which your parents cannot infringe on. Your father cannot for instance follow you any place this is considered stalking. He can however ask you to leave his home for legally as an adult his responsibility to you as a parent is over. The rock and hard place example.

I do agree with you that lying to your parents is wrong. When you lie you actually have to write these lies down so you can remember them later if asked about them. The truth is always easier to remember.

As the previous writer has pointed out there are many places you can turn to for help. What I suggest is that you do so if you feel you need to. What I would like you to try before turning to these people and places for help is this.

Parents like yours have a hard time understanding they are not living in the old country. That some of their religious and beliefs, while of good moral value, run contrary to how society works here and in some cases can cause them to be charged with violations of the law.

As an adult you have a right to experience everything this country has to offer. He has raised you with a great set of values that will serve you well. You need to experience life as it is here. For here is where you are going to live, work and marry. Here is where you must exist and do so within the confines of our culture and your morales. You need to experience life as it is with him being there to support you not hinder you.

He may not like some of what this country allows though he has found away to exist within it and make a life for himself. He needs to allow you to do the same while he is here to help you and catch you if you fall. It will be much easier for you to do so in this manner with him here to help. If something where to happen to him tomorrow you would flounder trying to make your way in this world. As a parent it is his responsibility to help you adapt and make your way in the world.

You need to explain what I have just written in your own words. Words hopefully he will accept and understand. For it is a parent's responsibility to teach their children to make their way in this world as responsible adults.

By the way: Your father cannot force you into an arranged marriage in this country, it is illegal. Just for your information.

so I have heard many times to use visiting her mother in jail as a learning experience for my daughter? So what exactly is meant by "learning experience"? Does it mean that it shows that anyone can make mistakes and go to jail and not just the "Bad guys" in the movies? If so, I would say that is not a bad idea.

The use of the term "Learning Experience" can be over used. In your situation I'm not sure i would use visiting her mother or call visiting her mother a "Leaning Experience." Your daughter has already learned the biggest lesson, that being if you break the law you can be sent to prison. Visiting your wife should in itself reenforce that lesson. Something your wife can and should herself remind your daughter of when she visits.

You and you,re daughter need to discuss your visit not to see what she has learned but so you can draw her out on her reaction and how she feels seeing her mother in jail. If she won't speak with you about her visit(s); then as I've said before you should find her a therapist she can talk with. A therapist allows her too speak freely and in confidence about how she is feeling. Something she may not want to or feel she can do with her father.