Hi! I'm a transgender teen (female to make) I haven't come out or anything yet but I know I'll have to. I asked another question in regards to coming out a few days ago, but this is a whole different topic. I'll obvioudly have to pick a name when I transition. I've been considering Gabe, Ben, and Lance. But I feel SO guilty changing my name because my mother always talks about how ever since she was little she's always wanted a girl named Laura Grace and that's why she gave me, her firstborn daughter, that name. She always talks about how I "have the best name out of the bunch" ("the bunch" being my 5 other siblings). She's so proud of my name because it's a mix of her favorite boom character (Laura) and the grandmother who she always looked up to (Grace). She loves my name. Everytime I consider bringing up the subject of being caked something else, I feel a crushing guilt about how much my mother loves my name. How do I change my name in the future without crushing her? She has no idea that Im transgender and im afraid to take her daughter away.

I may have answered your last question. If I did I gave you some resources to call for help with your problem. These resources are still good for todays question and what I am about to ask you.

In your last question you mention you are 14 which puts you in the early stages of puberty and sexual awareness. Transgender is todays hot button of sexuality but it is not something you wake up one morning and say you are. Just lie being Gay or Lesbian being transgender is how you were born and you would have known this a long time ago.

You may not have known the word when you were say 4 or 5 but you would have known at that time that you were not like other little girls that you identified more with little boys. You would have been confused and most likely not have been able to express this to your parents. You would have been uncomfortable wearing dresses and fought with mom to wear pants.

Based on what you have written today and your last question my concern is you are confused on your sexual identity possibly a bit scared to be a girl sexually and not having any lesbian feeling you have settled on todays hot button, "Transgender".

"I'm not a psychologist and I could be wrong. I have been answer question on the website for a long time and my instincts tell me I may be right. About 85% to 90% of the time I am right based on the feed back I do get.

IF I am correct there is nothing wrong with being 14 and confused about your sexual identity. In todays world you are forced to identify with many things long before you need to. Knowing who you are sexually is something you need time to identify and grow into especially if you have nothing in your past to tell you that you are gay or lesbian or in the wrong body. You still have to learn to identify with your sexuality. Just knowing that physically you are a man or a woman and that you identify with your physical self does not mean you automatically know who you are sexually.

What I recommend is you first make sure you are truly Transgender and not sexually confused as I suspect you may be. To do this requires some courage on your part to ask you parents to allow you to see a psychologist who can help you sort this out. If you are truly transgender at some point if you wish to transgender you are going to need to see a psychologist anyway before you can have the surgery.

Once you are absolutely sure you are transgender and if you still need help with today's question. Contact the resources I have given you. They are far more qualified to help you with these questions then we are. You would not be the first person to have these problems and they will be able to offer suggestions.


Hyy...this is a girl...who was a fun loving grl..of 17 BT still survives much harder...my dad has past last year and now my mom hates me alloott I know very well that my absence and my presence dosnt make much differnce ...Im hated by evry family member BT luved by my friends BT bearing so long with my mom I m now tyrd destroyed fully so want to dei or leave or go smewhre far BT no money no courage no idea..BT want to leave fynally at NY how..where should I go what should I do...please help want to work I know much younger still want to stand on my legs if not suicide then...????

Until your 18 we really can't help you with were to go as legally parents are responsible for your health and safety until you turn 18. If you were to leave you would be considered a runaway and returned home until you turn 18.

Suicide is also not an answer it is the wrong solution to a temporary problem. What you need is professional help to fix what is wrong with your dysfunctional family and causing you to feel suicidal.

If you are felling suicidal then the quickest way to get help is to dial 911 and ask for help. All you need to tell the call taker is you are feeling suicidal and help will be sent to you.

There are a number of ways to get help for your problems. One way is to talk to a trusted teacher or your school principal. If you are unhappy at home or in a dysfunctional family you cannot do well at school. Once they know of a problem they must take action to correct it.

Another way is to call one of the hot lines I am giving you. The first is called "The Kids Help Phone" They specialize in problems relating to what kids your age face. Their number is 1-800-668-6868. The hot line is open 24/7 365 days a year.

The other is: The National Suicide Lifeline/ No matter what problems you are dealing with, they want to help you find a reason to keep living. By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.


So my step dad is always telling me what to do.I just don't like it when he asks my me to do somthing thing like I'm his own daughter because I am not. He's still a new person in my life I haven't adjusted to him what so ever and even though I made it seem like I have , I really feel like I haven't. I feel like I was only preteneding I was used to him for my mom or maybe I made myself belive I was okay with him around, especially sense he works two jobs all day long and I barley see him makes it hard to get used to. Now to ask for the actual advice from you guys. I don't know what to do. I want to be okay with him. My mom loves him and she loves him very much.. I just can't adjust to him. My dad left us and only keeps in touch when he actually remebers us and by us I mean to say my little siblings as well. Now I feel like if my dad isn't here no one can tell me what to do. Besides if I didn't listen to my own dad why would I listen to my future fake dad.... Yeah I carry a im just mad at the moment but I know I have to get used to him anyway just need advice on how to cope or hear a similar story to realate with somone.

thanks for reading

This is an interesting question that deserves a little more than a flat answer.

First let me tell you I am old enough to be your grandfather. Which means my advice comes with the wisdom of my age, so keep this in mind when reading my answer to you.

You are correct this man is not your father. Your mother loves him and he loves her. He is working hard to support her, you and your siblings; something your biological father for whatever his reasons walked away from.

Does this mean you have to love your stepfather? No it does not; but you do owe him the respect he is due for stepping in and taking care of you and your siblings as well as your mother. Give this man some credit for stepping in and taking on the responsibilities of providing for another man’s children. Even if your biological father is paying child support that support does not supply everything you need or desire.

Giving this man the respect he deserves does mean doing things he asks of you especially those things that are in reason and part of being a family group. An example of some of those things within reason would be keeping your room cleaning, taking on some household chores to make life a bit easier on your mom especially if she has a job outside the home. Those chores might be doing laundry, preparing dinner, watching over your siblings’ things of this nature.

Your age is shown as 17, the only information I can see other than you are female. This tells me you may have a driver’s license. If you are allowed to drive a family car for which he supports; if asked to take that car for servicing, this would be a reasonable request. Taking your siblings where they may need to go would also be a reasonable request which you should honor without question in return for all he is doing for you and your family.

Now where things become a little murky would be with dating. Understand something; when you live under someone's roof you live by their rules. That roof may be your parents, grandparents, college or stepparent you must live by their rules.

Since you do not say exactly what the problem is I will go out on a limb here and say that a dating curfew may be a problem. If so please understand two things.

1. If he didn't care for you as in have some parental feeling or love for you. He wouldn't care about your safety and put any type of restrictions on you, especially a curfew."

2. It is extremely probably that your mom and he are of one mind on this and as the head of household it is his job to lay down the rules, both the good and the bad.

It is tough being a parent even to your own kids. It is tougher to be a parent to someone else's especially to a 17 year old. So give him some credit and give him a chance.

Next year when you’re 18 and legally an adult the rules change. If you choose to remain in his house you still must live by his rules if he is still supplying the majority of your support. Meaning you’re in college or working but cannot support yourself. The rules though have to reflect and give you the benefit of the fact that your are an adult and allowed to do many things that even the day before you turned 18 your parents had control over. One of the things that change is rules on dating. A curfew becomes a request to be home by a certain time or to call if you’re going to be later. This is respect for your parents worrying.

Since you are now 17 and your 18th birthday will be here before you know it. Now is the time to start a discussion with mom and your step dad about becoming an adult and the freedoms that come with it.


I have a crush on my 19 yr old brother I've been fantasize about him since I was 13 what should I do ask him out or seduce him?

I will start by saying the other advisors are correct. It is wrong to try and have sex with a family member, it is called incest. Besides being morally wrong it is also illegal in all western countries and cultures.

That being said it is understandable as to why you are having these fantasies. You're not alone in having them. Both boys and girls have them after entering puberty and become sexually aware. Some fantasies focus like you on an older sibling, some on parents of the opposite sex. Others may focus on the mother, father , older sister or older brother of a friend. It is completely normal.

To act on these fantasies is where you depart from normal. Yes even with your friends older siblings if they are much older than you. With a parent, sibling or first cousin having a sexual relation with them at any time is incest and illegal. The reason being is mostly because of the chance of pregnancy and the baby suffering from many different forms of mental retardation and birth defects. It is also morally wrong and if you are religious you will find it so in the bible of your religion.

What to do about these fantasies. You cannot act upon them for the reasons given. You can if you wish masturbate to them if you feel you must. This though is as far as you can take these fantasies.


My parents started not caring once i turned 10, as they never planned a party since, so i think it led to me kind of having a complex about age. while other kids celebrated turning 13, 16, etc. with their friends, i just would get a cake, and if i was lucky, like $20. i feel like i missed out on those important birthdays.. you're only those integral years once. is a 43rd birthday really as special as a 16th? i feel kind of anxious about it. birthdays instead went from being fun party days to sad days i hated. when i have kids, i want to celebrate all their birthdays, even when they become adults. even if they're far away in college i'd send a gift or something. it's not like my family couldn't afford birthday parties even at our house. but it's like.. it stopped mattering to my parents, and they wonder why i had trouble with friends and everything. if my future child had trouble making friends i'd organize activities and help her branch out, not just ignore the problem. my mom even goes to blame me for my lack of friends, even when i'm literally nice to everyone i meet. she just tends to not apparently be on my side with such matters, and can be as hurtful as a bully at times. don't get me wrong, i'm grateful she gives me food and clothing and what not but for someone who is so social and has so many friends i don't understand why she didn't help foster that sort of thing within me, when it caused me years of anguish, but i digress.

I don't remember having a birthday party for each of my Birthdays. I have reminders of my first through fifth from photo's and movies. My sister was born just before my sixth birthday and my birthdays were celebrated with a cake at dinner and a gift.

My sisters' first through fifth were celebrated as mine were. When she turned six I was twelve and mom had a party for me. My next party was when I was 18 my sister was twelve. We both had parties that year. Then there was a party for her sweet sixteen and a party for me when I returned home from the military. My sister was married before she turned twenty-one so her wedding was the last party my parents made for her.

I don't know why mom stopped making birthday parties for us except milestone parties after age five. We weren't rich but we weren't poor either. I never asked her about and frankly until I read your letter I never thought about it.

Birthdays were always celebrated with the celebrant having mom cook their favorite meal and a cake. This include Dad. For moms birthday we all went out to eat. Nothing fancy just so mom didn't have to cook and a bakery cake. Sometimes we could invite a friend or two.

I can't tell you why your mom does or did as she has done in celebrating your Birthday. If you have siblings and she is different with them then I would say something is wrong but you haven't' said so. IF your parents didn't care there would not be any $20 bills and new clothes would be few and far between.

There may be more to this than you may be aware of and you might be making more of this than there is to it. I see no harm in asking mom why she doesn't make a bigger deal out of your birthday.


These past few days I've been feeling really down. I'm a senior in highschool and I've always done good in school and gotten 90s and 100s but this year I'm getting 80s I know it's not horrible but I won't be able to make honor roll, which I really want to. I'm surprised I even made it last semester considering how my grades have dropped this year. But I'm taking honors classes and 2 AP's. I barely have any friends, only one that I really talk to in school and eat lunch with. I feel like no one likes me and thinks of me as pathetic and a loser because I'm quiet. The reason I don't talk much in my classes is because I might have social anxiety. I'm always worried about what other people are gonna say or think of me. It's always been like this.

Also I've been doing bad in gym and I don't know why but my teacher gave me a 65 today, even though I did participate. I always see kids sitting around and talking to their friends and not doing anything and she never says anything to them. I've never gotten that grade and I feel so stupid now.

I feel useless and unimportant and like no one cares about me. I have really low self esteem and I'm always feeling bad about myself. I feel like I'll never be confident. The past 3 years of highschool were fine idk why but I really hate this year. I feel so useless and lonely.

Not to mention I have problems at home too. My parents don't talk to each other, if they do they just end up fighting. I don't talk to me dad, I feel like he doesn't care about me or anyone in my family. He doesn't know anything about my school or care to ask. My mom is the one who has always done EVERYTHING for me and my 2 siblings. She works hard to take care of us even though she's diabetic and had surgery on one of her legs. Since my parents aren't speaking to eachother they don't sleep in the same room. My mom has to sleep on a sofa in the livingroom and my dad doesn't even care. My brother doesn't even have his own room and he's 23. He has to sleep in the livingroom. My older sister is disabled, she stays home all the time and isn't getting better. I don't know what to do.

Your school life is not all that bad. In fact you may be trying a bit too hard. The senior year is usually a year where you can relax a bit having taken most of the courses you need for graduation and now are taking only the electives required. From what you have written it appears you have really loaded up your senior year as well as the past three years. There is nothing wrong with this as it will make you stand out more on your college applications. On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the best I would rate your school life at around 7 or 8.

Your home life is a different story. There is not much you can do about your home life. You can grin and bear it for the next 8 or 9 months until you go off to college, hopefully you are for you sound like the type of student who deserves a college education. I have one suggestion about college which I will get to shortly.

The other thing you can do about your home life is to talk to a trusted teacher or your school principal. You are living in a dysfunctional family. This is not good for them or you. I believe this is partly the reason for your low self-esteem and the way you are feeling right now which has the sounds of you being depressed. The teacher or your principal are required to notify the proper agencies to step in and correct what is wrong at home so you can excel at school.

The agency most effective in correcting what is wrong at home is Child Welfare Services. They would be most interested in you and your disabled sister regardless of her age. Your 23 year old brother is an adult and would be seen as such capable of caring for himself.

Children of different sexes must, under the law, have different bedrooms regardless of age. A reason why your brother is sleeping in the living room with your mother. Something CWS will not like either. Your sister being disabled may have special needs that require her own room.

Whatever is wrong at home CWS can force your parents to make it right. They cannot force your father to pay attention to you though they can force him to do what is right under the law for you.

By talking to a trusted teacher or your principal things at home could be made better for you. Which will hopefully make things better at school which is what this is all about. CES can also arrange counseling for you to help with your self-esteem.

Now as to college. I do hope you will be going to college. If you are please do not make the mistake many bright students such as yourself generally make. College is different than high school. This is more independent learning required of you. Your are going to need to manage your time better than you may be doing now. The mistake many students make is to load themselves up with course the first semester or even the first year; This is wrong.

If you're planning on an early graduation or a double major then plan on taking course over the summer and during intersessions. During the semester year, especially the first year take only the minimum course to be a fully matriculated student which I believe is still 18 credit hours. This will allow you to learn how to best manage your time.

If you find you are having trouble managing your time remember who I am as I can help you with that. Time management is skill that should be taught to all college bound students. I had to learn it for work and I learned it from an expert.


So I am in my late 20s, i'm a little overweight, partly due to some medication I am on. My doctor says this is normal. I am able to run, walk long distances without puking, passing out etc. Every year when I get my physical and bloodwork done, everything comes back perfect.

My mother treats me like I weigh 600 pounds. She is constantly judging what I eat and making comments about it. I am at the point where I feel extremely uncomfortable eating around her or going out with her. I am comfortable in my own skin but she obviously despises how I look, and has made some pretty nasty comments. I've told her that I'm happy with how I am but she constantly tries to make me see nutritionists or try fad diets.

How can I make her understand that what she is doing is hurtful and depressing?

I agree with missundersmock answer what mom needs is a swift kick in the seat of her pants; or as I call it a "Come to God lecture" from you; by the way I'm in the same boat as you with several medications I take for chronic pain. They all cause weight gain.

You are over 18 an adult and totally responsible for your own well being. If she were my mom what I would say to her is this. Mom if we are to have a continuing reasonably sound mother daughter relationship you have to stop hounding me about my weight. The problem is as I have told you time and time again not totally with in my control which is caused by medication I take.

I have annual physicals which my doctor is pleased with the results as which I am. I am healthy and you should be pleased with that. You constant criticizing of me for something I have no control over is not only demoralizing it is depressing. I will not get depressed over something I cannot control. If you love me you will accept what is. If you cannot then I will have no choice then to limit our time together.

You are the only one unhappy with how I am. My doctor is happy and I am not only happy but comfortable with the way I am. You should be happy that I'm happy. If not that is your problem I am not going to let you bring me down anymore.

Of course you use your own words but they have to be as tough as I have written. I realize at 20 years old standing up to your mother is going to be hard though it is something you must do; not only for your sanity today but to keep mom from controlling your life in the future.


So recently I got in touch with my father and we didn't talk much because I'm really shy and when I meet new people and it takes awhile for me to get used to them. For christmas he gave me a really expensive gift that I was not expecting and because of it I shielded away even more because it felt kind of like he was trying to buy his way into my life and I have now not talked to him for a couple of weeks not even daring to go on facebook because of him. Today I did dare and I shared a few things and kept the tab open while I went to do other stuff. When I looked back I saw I had a message from him and it said "What, you can't talk to me now?" and now I feel horrible but I also feel he is being rather rude about it and I don't know what to do and if someone could please help me I would be forever grateful.

I gather from you writing that growing up your father was not in your life. That one of you has since sought out the other and made contact. It would be normal for this to be awkward for anyone let alone someone who is basically a shy person.

So the Christmas present he bought you was expensive? Is he trying to buy his way back into your life? He is the only person that knows this answer. There are other possibilities though. Maybe he is just trying to make up for all those Christmases he missed? Maybe he can afford expensive present and this is what he does? I know I can afford expensive gifts and I get great pleasure giving them to people I love. It also could be his way of showing you how happy he is to have you back in his life.

One question; Was your father aware of your birth r was this something your mother hid from him. IF you came as a surprise to him that he had child he was not aware of my last answer may be the most correct. I know I would be very pleasantly surprised to find I had an adult child I was not aware of. OF course I would also be upset with your mom but never at you.

I suggest you write you dad and thank him for his gift. Tell him you were caught by surprise by how lavish his gift was and also a little embarrassed and did not know how to accept it given how recent the two of you have connected. Tell him you would like to get to know him better (if you want to) but it has to be at a pace you are comfortable with as you are a shy person.

You can suggest meeting for coffee or hamburgers at first to just talk and get to know each other. Meeting in public places should be more comfortable for you as they are safer. Once you get to know him better then you can move on to having dinner with him and meeting at his home or yours. I am of course assuming your are an adult and not living with your mom.


My husband and I have been married for over a year now. He is a spender and I am a penny pincher. However, when it comes to the holidays I like to spend freely. For Christmas he was against having a budget planned so we didn’t know how much we spent on each other. I spent probably over $200 on him. Luckily he left all the price tags on my presents and it amounted to about $80. Perhaps I’m the Grinch but what really bothers me is he spends so much on himself outside of the holidays.
He spends over $200 a month eating out, over the past few months he bought himself a new computer for about $2,000 for his computer games, then another $300 on his other toys per a month. For Christmas I felt he spent more time, money and effort buying for his friends than on me and our families. And I spent more time and effort finding gifts for his and my family.
When these events happen I start dwelling on other things. Like the fact my wedding band cost $35 and I spent over $200 on his. My engagement ring was given to him. When I add up the figures it really gets to me and I start thinking of him as a selfish fat pig. When I bring up the topic of money it turns into hurt feelings and an argument. Maybe I have a justice system complex. I feel left out, hurt, clueless and at a loss what to do.

I know exactly how you feel as I'm the one that takes the time to figure out what to buy people for their birthday and for the holidays. My wife for my birthday unless I ask for something specific I'm lucky if I get a card. For Christmas she will run out and buy me a few shirts and maybe some socks and underwear and calls it Christmas. While she does not spend much money on herself she will spend lavishly on our only child. Who by the earns about 30% more than we do.

Now I married the original coal miners daughter who grew up poor in the coal mining towns of NE PA. The presents she got at Christmas is what she buys me. We can afford to buy them as needed and it is not something you buy at Christmas as I see it.

After 43 years of marriage I finally got tired of these presents and told my wife so. I'm retired I have shirts from past Christmases I haven't worn yet and told my wife so. I told her no more of these type gifts and gave her a Christmas list the same as my son does each year.

Like your husband some of the things that could be bought as presents are things I may buy during the year as while they may be looked at as toys they may also be needed for the work I did. Such as a computer, laptop or tablet.

I have adopted the adage that it is better to give than to get. I do get great pleasure in searching for the right gift, especially for my wife as I am trying to drag her into the 21st century electronic world.

Yes I have gotten depressed in years past having gotten the short end of the stick so to speak. But it is not worth getting sick over. I married her for I love her and she has always been this way. She is the mother of my son and did a great job raising him.

You married your husband because you love him. I assume you knew him before you married him. Is the way he is in gift buying for you a deal breaker worth breaking up your marriage over. Is the fact that your engagement ring was given to him any less meaningful. It just might be that ring was his mothers or grandmothers you don't say how he came by it. If so it could be far more valuable than anything he could have purchased on today's markets.


I'm feeling terrible. I can't stand my brother any longer. Actually, he lives in another city, and is spending his vacation time at home. Thing is that he won't do anything at home, he doesn't help us with anything and sleeps the whole day! I hate him! How can I cope with this situation? It's aweful, since I don't want to confront him either; I just want him to go away!
Thanks in advance!
(p.s please, I don't want ''adviceman 49'' to reply to this message, I mean it. Thanks again!)

I'm curious why do you not want me to answer your question. I've answered quite a few of you questions. Do you not like my answers or are my answers not what you want to hear. There is a difference. You can answer me in a private message if you wish.


I'm 24/f. I recently moved out of my house and I am working on my combined masters and doctoral program. I am really trying to gain independence from them because they are controlling, in an extremely unhealthy way. Let me just give you an idea of how unhealthy they are. When my mom gets her nails done with me, and she doesn't like the color that i've picked, she will tell the nail technician to change my color and will make a big stink about it. I have class and work 3 times a week. The other days, I need to study. I have a lot of work.
At home, there is no privacy. I do not even have my own room, which was one of the reasons I decided to go to this university. I needed a place to study. I did not want to go to where I did my undergrad, because they would have expected me to live at home. Yet, they still find ways to control me nearly an hour away.
My mom cries because she says that she doesn't want me to be driving on the expressway. They even went as far as to suggest that I don't have a car with me while I'm over there so that I don't get tempted to drive back. However, I need my car to get to work because although i work for the university, I don't work right on campus. I work about 10 minutes away. On the days that I'm not over there, my mom wants to drive to the university, pick me up, and take me home. She wants me to be home 4 days a week and in my place only 3 days. I think that would be fine if it wasn't so rigid. If I wanted to come back home. But, she wants me home whether I want to be there or not, whether I have a big project or something going on. When I'm home, I don't even have the opportunity go out with friends. They don't want me driving at night, they like for me to be home by 11. Even though I don't have a "curfew," they will blow up my phone. The only way that they are okay with me going out and being out late is if I'm on a date and the guy is driving. Yet, my boyfriend is not allowed in my house because they hate him.
I just feel like they are controlling me so much. I always thought that when I moved out, it would be different. I thought that once I got married, it would be different. But, if they are so controlling, I don't know how to get them to stop. I just want to have a normal life. I don't want to come home at 2 in the morning. I want to come home at 11 or 12, but I'd like to drive. I'm a grown woman. I would like to be able to spend one weekend in my apartment (if I feel like it) and not be dragged out by my hair. I would like to be trusted to drive 40 minutes without my mom crying. I understand worrying, but she hides in bed and cries of hours if I tell her I'm going to make the drive instead of being driven. I don't know what to do anymore. I just feel like life isn't worth living anymore if it's all about them controlling me. I have no peace.

I get the feeling that you might be an only child; would I be correct in that feeling? If so the problem is not you and it is not unique for only children. Parents of only children either don't want to or are afraid to let go. I'm guilty of this myself as I have only one child.

My son is 14 years older than you and I'm always more comfortable and much less worried when he is here with us then in his home 50 miles away. It took time but I learned that I had to let go and let him lead his own life. It's not that I didn't trust him. If I didn't trust him I'd be in a Looney bin by now as he has one of the most dangerous jobs you can have as he is a firefighter/paramedic. It is I just know if he is with me I can protect him more when the reality is he is more capable of protecting me.

That being said what you need to do is stand up to your mother. When you’re having your nails done and she tells the technician to change the color stand up for yourself and say NO this is the color I want. If by chance she is paying and says something like, "Well I'm paying for your nails and this is the color I want." Be prepared to pay for your own nails and say, "In that case I will pay for my own nails and that is the color I have chosen."

You are an adult if you wish to stay in your apartment, do so. Tell your mother you have work or studying to do or you have a date whatever reason you need to stay at YOUR HOME and stay there. If she blows up your phone TURN IT OFF. If she shows up at your door send her home. You are an adult she cannot drag you out of YOUR HOME by your hair. That would be KIDNAPPING and tell her so.

When she cries and asks why are you doing this to her, tell her. Mom I'm and adult entitled to my own life and my privacy. You cannot control me the way you are trying to. If you continue to do so you will force me to take out a protective order against you (this is a threat only). You need help to let go of me so we can have a healthy mother and daughter relationship. Right now our relationship is not healthy for either of us. See a counselor get some therapy before you totally ruin our relationship forever.

Keep repeating this to her and stay the course in taking control of your life. If need be get a protection order; if that is the only way you can take control of your life. The threat of doing so hopefully will be all you need to do.

You have a lot on your plate in going for a combined masters and doctorate. You need the time to do the work and you need the stability in your life to obtain your objectives. Most of all you need to take control of your life or your mother will always control you. The longer you wait to do this the harder it will be.


I think I want to be a storm chaser, but are my parents going to flip out when I tell them. I know it's my decision, but I don't want to cause them a lot of stress and anxiety. I want to help protect people from bad weather, particularly tornadoes as much as possible. I think I'd be good at it. How would you feel if your kid told you that they wanted to be a storm chaser?

There are many professions out there just as dangerous or more so than what you want to do. If you are properly trained for what you wish to do in life you can limit the danger. Proper training is the key to success in any profession regardless of its danger.

What you want to do is honorable work. As long as I was confident that you were well trained and capable of doing the work. I would be concerned but I would be supportive of you.

My son came to me while he was in high school and told me he wanted to join the Army. This was before the first Gulf war. I met with his recruiter and told him of my concerns. The recruiter told me that the Army had the same concerns and that Recruiters ran a junior boot type camp for future inductees, mainly high school students, to see if they were up to the challenge and really wanted the Army. My son entered the program and excelled. His recruiters told me he was dedicated and had the right stuff to be in the Army and they wanted him. I signed for him to enter at age 17 and he went to Boot Camp while still in High School over summer break.

He was an Army Reservist when he finished high school he finished his training and came home. He then said he wanted to become a Police officer. His military training was as an EOD specialist. MY friends were beginning to believe with his choices he had a death wish. One neighbor could not stand the thought of him becoming a police officer and got him involved in firefighting. Today he is a firefighter/paramedic just a bit safer profession then being a police officer.

I am very proud of the choices he has made and what he has become. My wife and I are very supportive of him. There are many people today alive because he was the paramedic who responded to their call for help, especially a young child, because of his advance training in pediatric care. His part-time job is in a pediatric Emergency room.

Will your parents be scared for you? I'm sure they will. If they are the loving caring parents who have raised someone who wants to help protect people. I believe that like me once they are sure this is what you want and will be happy doing and that you have the training to do so safely they will be supportive of you.


So recently my cousin came to stay with us for a while and we weren't as close at first but we became like best friends now he is 26 and I am 14(girl) a couple weeks ago he kissed me on the lips. I didn't think anything of it because I thought it was an accident. But now he started rubbing my thighs and back really slowly and kind of sexually then he wanted to kiss me but this time longer. I kissed him anyway because I didn't know what to do. I feel really guilty and dirty afterwards but he seems to be his normal self. Is this ok? Or should I tell someone ?

No it is not okay for two reasons.

First: The fact you felt dirty afterwards. Anything that makes you feel dirty is wrong because you feel dirty doing it. It does not have to be legally wrong as this is but it is wrong for making you feel dirty.

Second: He is 98 years older than you. Kissing you and touching you as he did is statutory rape. You are under the age of consent to consent to be kissed or touched in that manner.

Because he is a family member he is given a certain amount of trust by your parents after all he is their nephew. That does not rule out the fact that he could also be a child predator. The way he kissed you is not right but could be acceptable the first time. The second time was definitely wrong and he had no right to touch you I the manner he did.

I suggest you tell your parents what happened. If your parents pass it off as him just being friendly. Then I suggest you tell a trusted teacher or your school principal. There are rules in place for them to follow when a student tells them of something like this.


Okay so i don't know why people are so mean to me.. Like my parents too. I'm nice and sweet and I give my everything, but I guess that's not enough. I'm a female I'm 15 years old. Everyone says that I can't do anything and that I'm useless. I try not to care but its my parents telling me I don't even get told that at school like wtf. But I wanted to know why are my parents so mean to me?

This is a very hard question to answer for two reasons. One I do not know you or your parents. Second your parents really don't hate you. They haven't changed your changing and this is natural for all children your age it's called puberty.

With puberty comes a host of new hormones floating through your plus you are female and your body is changing in many ways. You are older and want more freedom. You have more responsibilities especially in school. More is expected of you at home and in school. Your social life is changing. All of this puts a great deal of stress into your life.

You are going through what your grandparents called a phase when your parents went through what you are now going through. They expected and most children did grow out of it. When now know this is not a phase but a medical condition that doctors can help you with.

It is a medical condition that is a form of depression that strikes only teenagers during puberty. It is caused by a chemical imbalance and is not a mental illness. Now depression of any type caused us to perceive things differently then they are. Since we perceive them therefore they are meaning what we perceive is real even if it is wrong.

At 15 you are old enough to make your own doctors appointments. My advice is either ask mom to take you to the family doctor or make your own appointment. Ask to be screened for teenage depression. It is painless and consists of talking with the doctor and answering some questions. The doctor will probably want to do a complete physical and run some test. Let the doctor do so as this is to rule out any organic reason for the way you feel.

Your parents do not hate you and the are not being mean though I understand why you feel this way. As the saying goes your 15 going on 20. Slow down be a teenager and let your parents guide you this what they are here for. The teenage years can be a wonderful time if you slow down and enjoy them.

See the doctor and make sure you are not suffering from teenage depression then we can talk again if need be. I am 99% sure the problem you are having with your parent is hormonal causes by puberty and that can be fixed.


Wht doesn't my dad care about me anymore

This is the type of question that requires a lot more information as to why you feel this way. It is easy for children to get the feeling their parents don't care when they really do. Usually something has happened in the parents life that they are trying to protect the children from.

I can only speculate as to why you feel this way. Has dad recently changed jobs? If his parents are still alive is one of them very ill? It is Christmas time, has dad told you he can't afford something you feel you must have for Christmas? Has anything changed in the family that would cause dad to be short tempered or unable to afford things he was able to afford in the past?

These are the questions and other things about dad we need to know in order to answer your question.


I don't understand my sister at all. I try my best to be polite to her and she snaps at me. It's become a habit of my mom to ask her if it's that time of the month for her and it isn't. My sister had told me numerous times that I have no friends and nobody likes me and that I should kill myself. She has a sense of humor that I don't appreciate and have had to ask her multiple times to stop, but she just tells me to quit being a stupid bitch and suck it up. I recall one event similar to this where she said something that offended me and I asked her not to say that to me again. She yelled at me saying "freedom of speech, you stupid fuck!" She also encourages her friends to talk shit about me. I don't understand why she behaves this way towards me. Why does she hate me so much?

I'm not a doctor thought this may be an extreme case of sibling rivalry or a case of teenage depression brought on by puberty. You have not given your ages or when this all started; if this is something that has been recent such as since puberty hit her I may be on the right track.

Whichever the case may be your family doctor should be able to help. Since she is your younger sister the sibling rivalry can be brought on by many things. Maybe you find school work easier. Maybe you are old enough to have a part-time job. Since you did not give your ages I have to assume some things in giving my advice.

Many teenagers have problems associated with puberty, especially females. Given all the changes to their bodies, dealing with menstruation, new social atmosphere and lustful boys plus the new hormones floating in them depression is always possible. Females find this time very stressful; they struggle with dealing with all this. Stress can and does cause depression. Some like your sister lash out.

Most parents based on generations of parenting see this as a phase some children go through. and will grow out of. Most children eventually do, some do not. Today doctors know better and can help them during this period.

I would suggest you speak to mom and see how she feels about taking your sister to the family doctor for a physical. While the doctor is conducting the physical a screening for depression can also be performed if mom asks or tell the doctor what she suspects is wrong.

The physical would be needed as part of the screening to rule out any organic reason for your sister to be acting this way. If the doctor makes a diagnoses of depression it would be most likely clinical depression which is more of an illness then a mental disease.

Clinical depression is the lack of certain hormones that aid in keeping us from getting depressed. Puberty hormones sometimes destabilizes this balance, layman's description. Generally a simple pill taken once a day will work wonders for how she feels and possibly some time with a therapist for talk therapy to help her understand the why and the what of what has happened to her.


Currently I am paranoid that I am pregnant. I have not had a regular period since late October. Recently I experienced something that was like a period, but because it was so light I am convinced that it was just spotting. I read somewhere that sometimes a woman will have a light period when she first gets pregnant.

I don't know if this is in my head, but I am experiencing back pain, nausea after meals, headaches, constipation, which I have googled are some of the symptoms.

My boyfriend and I have plans to see each other, where I will take a pregnancy test at his house. Since the two of us are both in college we still live at home, so I would be taking this test in his mother's apartment. If it does test positive, I will ask him whether or not he feels comfortable about breaking the news with me.

Something tells me that his mother will be fine with it, since he is much older than some other people in his family who have been pregnant. His two female cousins on his mom's side became pregnant as teenagers. Even his mom had a child when she was 19, who she gave up for adoption, so she's been there.

His brother already knows and he and his girlfriend are being extremely supportive. I texted his brother's girlfriend last night, who has been here in the past, and she asked me what I wanted to do since it is a big choice.

My boyfriend's brother's girlfriend thinks that since I bled it is unlikely for me to be pregnant, but I look at that a little differently. I assume that she is primarily advising me on what she experienced, and online medical websites have told me that it's a possibility.

At the moment, I am confused as I ponder over what is the best choice for the two of us and our potential child. My boyfriend and I have an extremely loving and supportive relationship, and I don't know how I could possibly get myself to abort his child or give the baby up for adoption.

I am not sure if being raised by me and my boyfriend will be the best choice, because of finances and my education. Next semester will be my boyfriend's last semester but I still have another year left to complete.

Still, this is not the primary issue of my concern because I know that my boyfriend and I will make the best choice possible for all parties concerned. He's being amazing and totally supportive.

The problem is breaking the news to my own family. My boyfriend is so lucky to have the family that he does, which is so different than my old-fashioned upbringing. I am frightened of telling my parents. Primarily, my mother and my grandmother, who have already concluded that they do not like him.

How do I break this news to them if I am pregnant? I don't really want to tell them until I start showing. Is this best? Should I bring my polite, gentlemanly boyfriend who they have decided to turn against (even though he helped my mother get along using a cane during my cousin's wedding) to break the news (if possible)? I would prefer the perspective of a parent or grandparent.

I am a parent and old enough to be a grandparent though my son has yet to bestow that honor upon us. I am though a Great Uncle in all aspects of the word.

First: If you are pregnant you would be somewhere into your third month or the first trimester. Your uterus would be hard and depending on your weight you should have a fairly noticeable baby bump. Besides the symptoms you described, your breasts should have enlarged in preparation of feeding the baby.

Second: There are many reasons besides pregnancy for missing your period. Stress is the biggest one and is the cause of more missed periods then even pregnancy. Stress over a possible pregnancy of being pregnant is number 1 on the hit parade of stress related missed periods.

Taking a home pregnancy test is a good idea. It will either put to rest the fact that you are not pregnant or that you may be. Follow the directions on the package as to when to test to get the most accurate results.

I don't know your mother so it is hard to say how it is best to break the news to her. Since I do not have a daughter but I have two nieces I am very close too. I can tell you that as a father or an Uncle in this case there is no man good enough for them, never see a guy good enough for their daughters. My nieces are married to two very nice men on a firefighter paramedic as is my son so he gained slightly more acceptance at first.

My thoughts are as they are with any problem; to attach this head on as quickly as possible and then deal with the fallout. Mom and grandmother, you say, already don't like your boyfriend. Well they don't have to you’re the one who will live with him if you marry. If you’re pregnant married or not you will share this child with him forever.

Having your boyfriend with you when you tell your mom and grandmother will be great support for you I'm sure. The problem becomes do you want to put him in the line of fire of the rath you seem to expect when you inform them of your pregnancy. It is very possible they will not be as upset as you think they will be. Even as old fashion as you say they are, perspectives change when faced with the fact they are potential grandparent and great grandparents. Babies do that to us.

As to how to tell them, once you confirm your pregnancy. As I started with the best way is straight on. You say; "mom grandma I'm pregnant." Then wait for their response. They may some very nasty things. If so your response is very simple and one I truly believe in and give as advice practically every day.

"I'm over 18 and an adult responsible for my actions and allowed to have a sex life." You can in effect go on to say we made a mistake and we will deal with it. This really is all you need to say and all they need to hear. If they are supportive that is different and you can have a different type of conversation with them. IF not you have done what is required of you and let it be known that you and your boyfriend will decide what to do.

Speaking for myself if you were my daughter; I would be upset that in this day and age you would not have taken the proper precautions. I might say something to the effect of; "How could you have allowed this to happen." "I would not chastise you I would ask what help you needed from me.

That is me that is the way I work. I can't speak for your mom or grandmother. I do believe though that given time they will warm to the idea and eventually come to accept your boyfriend; for they will want to be around your child.


Been with my fiance 3 years now his daughter just turned 4. We are very happy and his ex simply can't have that. A few months ago she decided I can't be along around her daughter because she simply cannot trust me. I wasn't aloud to help my fiance with things only parents should do IE, making his daughter dinner, helping with baths, putting her to bed. Even though she let her boyfriend do these things I was simply not allowed to. She even went as far as taking his daughter on our week and not telling us where she was when I refused to be her best friend.
I tried explaining to her that being best friends was simply too complicated given the situation but all she heard was "NO" which sparked many issues.

I give distance between her daughter and I as to not threaten her position but she feels threatened by any actions.

Recently she has been asking me to take their daughter randomly throughout the week for no reason. Not even texting my fiance to ask. She does this last minute and has me waiting around to hear back from her. I find this hypocritical after she refused to let me even be alone with her. But it is okay for me to do these things if it is convenient for her.

We have a mutual friend who recently returned home from abroad and she has used her kindness as a pawn to force me into somethi I don't want. Lately she texts me and asks for us all to hang out or if our mutual friend is at my house she tries to invite herself over.

Recently she set up a girls day behind my back. This included me, our mutual friend, my fiance's aunt, her, and their daughter. She planned this and then asked me.

I said no to this and she got very angry. She still had her girl date but without me which is fine. However afterwords pictures were posted on Facebook and her and my fiance's aunt were putting passive aggressive comments tagging me in them. Basically hounding me for not coming with them which made me feel bad and even made me feel like they were speaking negatively about me during this outing.
Later she texted me asking me to once again take her daughter for a few hours. She had me wait around for 3 hours only to text me the last second and say she changed her mind.

My question is, how do I gain control of this situation, I feel like she is trying to drowned me, I don't want to say or do anything that might negatively impact our custody battle and cause unneeded drama. How do I deal with someone who wants to make me their best friend and if she can't have that her worst enemy? I'm confused and don't know what to say or how to stand up for myself in a manner that won't have a negative effect
She is a very hard person to get along with and will be angry if she doesn't get what she wants....

Please help!
A desperate future step mom.

Talk about being between a rock and a hard place. You're damned if you do a damned if you don't.

The ongoing custody battle is in my eyes the root of the problem. Until that is settled she is going to do everything possible to prove you a bad person or bad parent. This includes all these last minute things and the attempts to spark a friendship. To me she is being very calculating.

What I suggest and you need to discuss this with your fiancé before doing so is this. Sit down and write her a letter, not a text message. Make copies of the letter for your fiancé, his attorney and for hers.

In this letter spell out that until the custody battle is over and you and your fiancé are married these are the things you can do to assist both of them with the care of the little girl. Tell her that you understand that emergencies sometimes happen and when they do you will, if you can step into help. Things such as picking her up from school, daycare, taking her to a doctors appointment and so on. She needs to understand that you are not always going to be available when she needs you and should have backup plans for when this happens.

You should or could also tell her that once you and your fiancé are married and the custody battle is completed. It would be nice if a friendship between all of you could happen if for no other reason than the benefit of the child. Until then you feel it is better for all if a proper distance is kept between you as there are bound to be hurt feelings by one of the parties when the custody battle is settled. To compound these feeling with the possible loss of a budding friendship does not have to compound the problem.

You should finish your letter with that the main concern of all of you should be the child as she is the innocent in this. You will always try to be there for her. Emergencies can be limited with proper planning. With proper planning and notification you can adjust your schedule to do things with and for the child when she or the father are not available. She needs to understand that you too have commitments that you need to honor and with proper planning you all can be there for the little girl.

This is how you take back control. Make sure to CC: at the bottom to show that copies of this letter are going to the lawyers. The reason for sending them to the lawyers is to show that you are not unwilling to help parent the child. That you are being the reasonable one and that she is making unreasonable demands to prove you unfit to parent her child. You can add in the letter some of the things she has done that in light of a court room would make you look unfit. Explained in this form she looks to be the calculating person she is.

Of course before you mail the letter you let your fiancé's attorney look at it first.


Hello advicenators,

My uncle said some nasty stuff about my grandfather, what filters should I pass this stuff before I tell my grandfather about it. I have heard about 3 filters ,is it truthful ,is it good, is it useful? I dont know if its truthful, good or bad dont know either, useful, probably?

Should i tell my family and my grandfather about what my uncle said?


Kind Regards


As Razhie has said, unless the information you have in some way endangers your grandfathers health or safety my advice is to forget what your Uncle has said. If your Uncle is his brother or brother in-law your grandfather is most likely already well aware of what your Uncle is saying about him.

I cannot explain why your Uncle may have said whatever it is he has told you. If it is derogatory in nature I can only assume there is some form of hard feeling between the two.

If you find whatever was said to you truly worrisome to you then go to either mom or dad, whoever is your grandfathers child, and ask them why your Uncle would tell you this. I'm sure your father or mother will put your concerns at ease as well as tell you why your Uncle may have said what he said and if it was true or not.

This is all the filter you need and only to put your mind at rest. If your Uncle has told you something that mom or dad is unaware of then let them decide if they feel their father needs to know this information and let them inform their father.


Imagine that you went to your daughter and son in law's new house for Thanksgiving ten days ago. There were some other relatives there, so there weren't enough bedrooms for everyone and your youngest daughter had to sleep on a matress in what they call the media room.

Saturday night, you and your daughters stayed up late in the media room talking. Your oldest was sitting on the far side of the couch drinking wine and somewhat intoxicated.

Sunday morning, you and your family were preparing to make the long, painful, nine hour drive home. Then you and your oldest daughter discover this series of stains on the wall of the media room above the matress that your youngest daughter slept on.

You both assumed that your youngest daughter did it, but she insisted that she didn't and you believed her because you noticed that the purple stains looked a lot like the red wine your oldest daughter was drinking the previous night. Given where she was sitting and the way she was swinging the drink around, it was obvious that she splattered the wine on the wall.

You tried to help by cleaning it up, but the cheap paint started coming off of the wall with nothing but a slightly wet rag. It would have come off no matter who tried to clean it off. You son in law, though, insists that the entire wall and perhaps even the whole room will have to be repainted.

Your daughter and son in law were acting mad at you for it, so you offered to pay to have the wall repainted. You apologize to your daughter and son in law, but both of them (especially your son in law) wouldn't forgive you and gave you the cold shoulder. They also acted mad at your youngest daughter who has done nothing wrong and is being blamed for something her older sister did.

You're getting really feel it with it and have discovered that there's no reason to pay for the wall. Your youngest daughter did not create the stains and you may have taken the paint off the wall, but if you didn't, your oldest daughter would have. Offering to pay for the wall didn't make them forgive you and sure, you said you'd pay for it, but your oldest daughter and son in law never, and I mean NEVER do anything they say they're going to do.

So, would you pay for the wall?

We are probably about the same age so I believe I know how you feel. We are about to experience the same thing at Christmas at my sons new home with the entire family being there and the possibility of what you experienced could happen to us.

My knee jerk reaction to what you have written is to say if it is affordable either send them a check or go to Home Depot or Lowes, whichever is near their home, and get a gift card in the value of a gallon of paint and the cost of a roller and roller pan plus a plastic drop cloth. I'm sure your son in-law is capable of painting a wall or a room. It does not take a professional painter to paint a wall.

When my wife and I moved into our first home my sister brought a Jell-O mold over for Thanksgiving dine and promptly dropped it on our brand new Beige carpeting. Try as we might we were unable to get the stain out. Fortunately it was in a spot where we could just put a potted plant over it until we moved out. It was out of sight and out of mind. The new owners never saw the stain as they put new carpeting in before they moved in. Your Daughter and son in-law can hang a picture over the spot until they repaint the wall.

Paying for the paint and having your son in-law paint the wall should hopefully keep peace in the family. I would not pay for a professional painter as it should not take more than two hours to paint the room and a professional would want $300 to $500 to do the work. No reason to spend that kind of money when you are not even sure who is at fault.


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