Member Since:June 18, 2009
Last Update:March 27, 2015
General Sex Questions
My parents give me no freedom whatsoever and it drives me crazy. My friends are allowed to do whatever they want, even the ones with overly strict parents get more freedom than I do. I know right now, there is nothing I can do about it, but when I turn 18 I want nothing more than to move out of my parents house. The problem is I doubt ill have enough money, im trying to get into a very expensive college my parents were planning to help pay for, I don't have a car yet, and I live in Mississippi so the legal age is 21. Can anyone help me with these issues? I read online that there was a way to move out at 18 even if your from one of the states that say to be 21. Would the police make me return home? I know this is many questions, but I'm very desperate
The Federal legal age is 18. The age of 21 is the legal age for other things such as drinking, signing contracts and other things the state may require the age of 21 for. Parents are legally required to support a child until age 18. After that age a child can be made to fend for themselves though most parents do not put their children out at age 18.
You may not legally be able to purchase a car in your state until you are 21, especially if you require a loan to do so. You may not be able to legally sign a rental agreement for an apartment in your state. Both of these agreements may require someone over the age of 21 signing as a cosigner guaranteeing payment. This does not mean you are not legally an adult.
Forall other purposes and respects at 18 you are an adult. If you were to commit a crime at age 18 you would be tried as an adult. If convicted you would be sentenced as an adult.
If you could find a place to live, possibly sharing an apartment with someone. You could move out of your parents home. The police could not force you to return to your parents home because you are legally an adult. Your parents though would also not be required to pay anything towards your college tuition if they were to change their minds once you turn 18.
This is also where it gets tricky. If you do attend college your parents, if it is an in state school and judging by what you have written, you would need your parents to sign the admissions forms for you until you are 21. Signing the admissions forms to my mind would obligate them to paying the tuition until you're 21.
I would suggest you check the law concerning age of adult in Mississippi. For if I'm correct old Mississippi State would have an abundance of enrolment each year.
You can get a proper answer by contacting legal aid nearest you. This is one area you need to know what your legal standing is so you know how to proceed once you turn 18.
I am nearly 24 years old, and I have an almost 30 year old sister who makes really stupid choices.
For the past six years, she has been dating a man who my family and I strongly disapprove of. This man is a thirty-five (almost thirty-six) high school drop-out who doesn’t work, can’t keep a job, and lives off of her support. Not only that, but he is a recovering alcoholic and has been physically abusive towards her in the past. Yet, she insists that she’s going to marry him.
Although I see no attempts on his part, I think that at their ages if they were going to get married, he would have worked at maintaining a job. They would have already tied the knot years ago. Instead I think that she’s going to wake up in a few years, realize that she is an unmarried old maid, and that this relationship has strongly screwed her up her life.
Lately I feel like this relationship is taking a toll on her health.
She says it’s not, but she’s the type of woman who becomes dependent on a man and will lie that he is doing things that we already know he is responsible for. They live out of state, so it is difficult to know what is going on. Since she has started dating I strongly doubt that she has ever had a stable, healthy relationship.
This weekend she had a bad panic/anxiety attack that may have been brought on by a hereditary thyroid condition. I know that this health condition could be caused by stress, and I think that her boyfriend is and always will be the primary cause of her stress, whether she admits it or not.
I am so tempted to attempt to break them up, but I think that this will be a bad idea.
I found out his phone number, and I want to text him and tell him that if he really loves her, he will break up with her, cut off all ties with her, move out, and tell her that he’s no longer in love with her, because he’s the primary cause of her stress..
Having had a boyfriend of four years, I am having second thoughts about doing this. We are not married or living together, solely for financial reasons. Yet my boyfriend and I are younger, and are both still in school.
I feel like it will seriously hurt her and result in no positives.
Should I restrain myself from doing so? Does even thinking of this scheme make me a bad person?
You are not a bad person; you have the best interest of your sister at heart. Loving your sister is never wrong though what you would like to do is as it will not have the outcome you wish for.
The foreseeable outcomes are:
She will hate you for breaking then up if you break then up causing her more stress.
He will tell her of your meddling and she will hate you causing a rift between you. This rift will cause both of unneeded stress and anxiety.
He is most likely a controller as well as a leech. If I am correct there is nothing you can do to break them up. Yes I'm sure your sister can do better than him but there is nothing you can do about it until she admits it to herself.
The best thing you can do for your sister is be supportive. Be there when the bottom of her world falls out from under her and it will at some point. When that happens she will need all the love and support you can give her and no of the "I told you so.
I want to apologize in advance for the length of this. I know it's not good to dislike a relative and I feel bad about it, but he's not a very good person. This might not make sense, but I love him, I just don't like him at all.
Here's the thing, he's not a good father and he treats my mother like dirt on the bottom of his shoe. Ever since my grandma died, my mom's had to take over taking care of him and I know it's hard. She has to cook, clean, wash dishes and clothes, run errands, go grocery shopping, and take him to the doctor among other things. He refuses to live with my parents and although I can't say I blame him, it means she basically has to keep two houses running. She sacrifices a LOT and doesn't get to go out or go on vacation like she wants to because of him. Yet he is extremely unappreciative and often complains and makes her feel bad about not pampering him enough or not doing it right.
I HATE to say this about him, but he's kind of a burden. He gets in the way of his family's lives sometimes. He's a real home body and has never liked going on vacation, even when he was younger. I can kind of understand that as I too am a bit of a home body, but when someone you love is counting on you to be somewhere, I CAN'T understand or agree with not being there for them. My Granddad, however just doesn't care at all. My mom had to DRAG him to my cousin's wedding because he was too selfish to be there for her, his own granddaughter. I don't even have grandchildren yet, but I know that when I do, you wouldn't be able to DRAG me AWAY from them on their wedding days. But it's just not something that's important to my granddad and this is just an example of his selfishness. He can, has, and does hurt and disappoint his family by refusing to go to important events. I didn't even bother trying to get him to agree to go to my wedding at the grand canyon because I knew he wouldn't do it.
As much as my mom sacrifices for him, he gets mad as hell anytime she does one small thing for herself. In January, my parents planned a weekend trip, but it wasn't even FOR them. My sister's birthday was on the 10th (a Saturday) and my brother in law planned a trip for them and invited me, his parents, and mine to go as well. I decided to stay home because I had things to do, but my parents went only for my sister.
That saturday night, my granddad was sick and was contemplating going to the emergency room. My mom called me and asked me to stay the night at his house in case he needed someone, so I did. Sunday morning he decided to go to the ER and I had to call an ambulance for him. When we got there, we were told he had a perforated bowel (hole in the intestines) and had to have emergency surgery to fix it. My parents hadn't even started their painful 12 hour drive home yet and didn't get here till after midnight (I called the ambulance at about 9:30). The first person to get to town was my uncle who was here at about 6:30. He sent me home to relax and when I got there, I felt like I hadn't slept in days. The stress of the situation combined with lack of sleep was exhausting. As bad as I felt, I couldn't imagine how my mom must have been feeling. She was under MORE stress as it was her dad and she was feeling very guilty for leaving him. Also, at least I got to go to bed that night. She went to the hospital and stayed with him all night long. While she was there, he woke up. He was on a ventilator, so he couldn't speak and pointed to a note pad that he wanted my mom to hand him. When she did, he angrily wrote, "You ran out on me, but Amy took good care of me!" My mom was already feeling guilty enough and it's not like anyone knew that was going to happen. She NEVER gets to go anywhere BECAUSE OF HIM and it was just a fluke that she happened to be out of town when that happened, but he basically just attacked her and treated her like dirt for leaving at all, ever, under any circumstances.
That was one of few things resembling a compliment that he's ever given me. I was borderline flattered and angered at the same time. His compliments come as often as sunshine during a rain storm and THAT compliment was wrapped in an insult. It came at the cost of my mom's feelings.
He never says I love you or anything like that. My sister has tried to get him to say it to her by saying it first, but he'd just say, "Okay" and leave. He'd rather hurt your feelings and look like a jerk than say it just once. We'd excuse it for him by saying that he just grew up in a generation when guys were taught not to say it, but our other granddad grew up in the same generation and I NEVER remember him having a problem saying it. Here's what I do remember about him though. I remember him pushing people out of the way to get to me and give me a hug, I remember him squeezing me so tight that I couldn't breathe, I remember him hugging my neck so tight it felt like he was going to break it, I remember him putting one hand each of my cheeks and kissing my forehead so hard he practically left a bruise. The closest thing to a hug that my other granddad ever gave me was when he puts his hand on my shoulder for balance.
He's also got all of these annoying ass habits that aren't reason to dislike him, but the fact that he's already not my favorite person makes them harder to put up with. I'm a bit of a germ freak and he's often sick. He coughs and sneezes without covering his face, he uses silverware he's been eating with to scoop food out of containers we ALL have to get our food out of, and after he eats, he spits little pieces of food out of his mouth and always spits them towards me. Once I made a second trip to a chicken restaurant to get some gravy they'd forgotten to give us. When I got back, he was the first person to use the gravy and he held it just a couple of inches from his face and coughed in it multiple times. I don't know if it was an accident, his way of getting the gravy all to himself, or just a big f--- you to me.
He's disgusting and likes to talk about his IBS, diarrhea, gas, and other such things during dinner. I had to take him to the doctor once when he had to bring the doc a stool sample. Being a germ freak, I didn't want to touch it, do my mom put it in multiple sacks to ensure I didn't have to touch anything the stool sample touched as well as to ensure that I didn't have to see it. It didn't work as he took the stool sample out of the sack my mom put it in to look at it.
Another annoying habit is that he's a racist and a homophobe. I'm sure a lot of old people are, but takes it to the extreme and is down right mean to gays and people of other races. He's kind of creepy and gives me anxiety by constantly staring at me and watching EVERYTHING I do. He is as hard of hearing as a person can be without being deaf and I'm always having to yell to him, which wouldn't be bad if there was nothing we could do about it. However, he has hearing aids that he refuses to wear or refuses to turn up high enough. Also, he makes all of these gross, annoying sounds while he eats which is a pet peeve of mine. I could go on, but I'll stop there.
I try to be patient with him because I'm afraid that if I'm not, karma will come back to bite me in the ass HARD when I have my own grandkids, but he drives me nuts and now I'm facing yet ANOTHER problem. My mom wants me to name my son after him.
My mom doesn't know how I feel about him and I can't tell her because it'd hurt her feelings. I want to name my fifth son Luke Philip, but my mom wants me to name him Luke Avery after grampa or grumpa as I recently started calling him (because he's grumpy). Philip is after a beloved friend of mine, practically a brother to me and my husband who was murdered a while back. Unlike grumpa, Philip was an AMAZING guy. He was sweet, sensitive, loving, generous and had a heart of gold as well as all of the qualities I'd LOVE my son to have. I'm not willing to use Avery or Philip as a first name and people have suggested I need him Luke Avery Philip or Luke Philip Avery, but I just don't want to use the name Avery. I don't know how to tell my mom that I want to name my sweet baby boy after one of the greatest people I've ever known of and not after a man I call grumpa who's ruining our lives. I've asked people what to do and they've called me disrespectful, rude, and acted like I was the ass hole for feeling this way about him. AM I the ass hole?
No you’re not a Jerk. There is an old saying that is appropriate for what you have written. "We get to choose our friends but not our relatives." Yes it is possible to love someone and not like them. This is especially true of parents and children. There will be times when you will not like you child or a child but it will not mean you do not love that child. As children get older and expand their horizons they do or say things that cause us to be unhappy with them, that do not change how much we love them.
The same is true for other relatives. There may have been a time probably when you were much younger when you not only loved your grandfather but you liked him as well. As you got older and saw him in a different, more adult manner what you saw you didn't like. That does not mean you lost your affection for him. Love and like have two very distinctive and different meanings.
As to the other things you write about some of them have to do with age and illness. Some people age gracefully. It appears your grandfather is not aging very well and is not well adding to the problem.
My best advice is to try and help your mother. You can explain to your grandfather you will have to repeat this to him that your mother cannot continue to care from him and take care of her house as well without a break. She needs time to rest she is only human. From time to time you will spend a night or weekend with him and care for him so your mom can have some time to herself or with your dad.
Here again the word "like" comes in. He doesn't have to like it and he may not want to accept it. He has no choice for that is the way it must be. There are other grandchildren and his other children, if they live nearby, should be asked to chip in their time to care for him as well. The burden to care for your granddad should not fall strictly on your mother or you. Her siblings and their children can certainly take a weekend out of their schedules to help and or take him to doctors’ appointments.
Have a conversation with your mother about this. It is wrong for her father to put this all on her especially if she has siblings that can chip in and help.
To answer your question again, you are not a bad person. You are concerned for your mom. It is very possible to love someone and not like them.
I got caught having sex with my boyfriend in a private property by the police and my boyfriend is 18. Yes I know that's illegal & a big age difference. He got arrested & my parents didn't press charges but they're super disappointed in me as you can imagine... They didn't know I was sexually active. If I had the confidence to talk about it I would of . I can't blame them for MY mistake but honestly my parents favor my sister all the damn time. Oh she makes money oh she does better in school than I do. Literally everything she does is better than I do. I've always tried to be good enough but I'm never enough. I feel like maybe I just stopped caring about that they wanted from me because they'll never be as good as my sister. Of course they have the right to favor her now & of course they care about me also but I don't know what to do with myself I honestly want to commit suicide I'm so tired of everything
Your boyfriend is very lucky; the police could have pressed charges of their own but that is another story altogether. Based on what you have written I think I know why you gave into your boyfriend and had sex with him. Knowing why and approving are two different things.
The why is simple you wanted the love you feel you're missing from your parents along with his approval and possibly you were afraid if you said no you would lose him. This is the part I can understand and I partially blame your parents for it is not right for parents to favor one child over another. Unfortunately I know all too well how that feels as I came from an entire family, my parents, Aunts and Uncles who did so.
Like you I eventually threw in the towel and said the heck with them. I was also older than you when I reached the realization that there was nothing I could do to change things in the eyes of my parents or family. The fact is I was a good kid also the oldest in the family so I got brushed aside for the younger members.
What I finally decided is the only person I have to better than is me. Meaning is if I can be a better person tomorrow than the person I am today, then I have grown and I have learned. This became a motto that I lived by. My self-esteem got better, my work ethic got better. I excelled in any classes I took whether they were work related or just to better educate myself.
My problem was not only was I competing with my sister but I was I was trying to outshine my father and every time I got close he knocked me back. When I adopted my motto he could no longer knock me back for I was no longer trying to outshine him. Then a strange thing happened, I finally received his respect which I did not fully accept but again that is a different story.
Suicide is not an answer. It is the wrong solution to a problem. You gain nothing by it and maybe you hurt some people but that hurt heels after a time. I suggest you adopt my motto or one like it. Stop competing with your sister and be your own person. Be the very best you that you can be and the heck with everyone else.
I would also suggest you find a boyfriend closer to your own age and not have sex again until you're older. For I really feel that the sex was more to feel love and not sex for the real benefit of sex or that you were truly ready as a young lady for sex.
I am 24/f. I recently moved out of my house and moved to graduate housing at my university. before i begin, i just want to give a brief description of my family. they are extremely controlling. my mother is absolutely nuts. she is a narcissist and i can tell you that she has ruined my life. both my parents are the most irresponsible people i have ever met in my life and how someone gave them a child is beyond me. i was adopted at birth. all of the paperwork and everything was set up before i was even born. she confessed to me that the reason the adoption finally went through is because she called continuously and harassed them until they gave her the child. i would like to meet the social worker who ruined my life. at this point in my life, i love them because hey are my parents. but, i don't LIKE them as people. i know it's hard for some people to understand. some of you have already read some of the things that i've written, but i will write it again for those who didn't. i need to add a couple more things that happened this weekend.
basically, my mom plays a great actress when she pretends that she wants what is best for me. she doesn't. she wants whatever makes her look good or has money. i am a person of great faith (i am just angry right now). i always thought that the reason that she didn't like my current boyfriend is because we don't share that same faith (we were already together before my conversion) and because she thinks that he didn't have money. She said that he "lacks drive" and just isn't her type. I get that she doesn't like him, but she threatened me several times. She said that if I stayed with him, I could just think of her as dead. You think that might solve the problem if she was just out of the picture, but that isn't true. her threat is just that... a threat... what it really means is that she will make my life miserable. she doesn't mean that she will stay out of my life... but rather, that she will stalk, harass, show up at my door. she even threatened that she was going to beat him up. everyone says to call the police. but, seriously, the police isn't going to do anything about a verbal threat. he has also threatened her because he got angry. so, both of them would be in trouble. i basically told my mom that we broke up, which isn't true. but, it got her off my case. she has been harassing me and harassing me about finding a new boyfriend. she says that she wants to live to see her grandchildren. so, i basically told her that there was a guy from class that i thought was cute, just to get her off my back. at first, she saw a picture of him and she said he was ugly and "forbid" me from seeing him. Then, a few weeks later, she was pretty much telling me that i better knock on his door and throw myself at him. I told her my "concerns" about him were that we didn't share the same strong beliefs and that he was poor ( i just wanted to see what she would say, since that was her gripe about my bf). She said it didn't matter because he was "hot."
The other day, I came back from church and told her I had seen a friend. She asked me if he was cute (the only thing she thinks about is hooking me up with a guy). I told her who it was. I'm here thinking that she would think that this was the perfect guy. The reason I am doing this, by the way is because I'm trying to test what it is she would want from me. what is her ideal vision for my life that I could have for her to leave me alone. this guy is a little bit older, makes a lot of money, we met at church. i was like... she's has to give a positive review. She threw everything on the floor and almost started punching me. she said she forbids me to ever see him and that he's not allowed in the house ever. so, i got in my car, and drove an hour back to my dorm because i said that this is not home if i can't even bring a friend here. additionally, i would like to add that this person has been a great friend. like, he has gone above and beyond what it means to be a friend and if i were a mother and witnessed that, i would be writing thank you notes instead of forbidding the person in the house. i told her that i wasn't angry about her not liking him. i really could not care less. what I'm angry about is the way that she treated me with a lack of respect. till today, she continues to call me to tell me that i am wrong and try to get me to see things from her point of view.
there is nothing to see. she doesn't want what is best for me. her judgement is clouded. however, she continues to control me because i'm living on campus, not in my own apartment. realistically, no matter how much is say i won't speak to her again, she weaves her way into my life. my entire family takes her side because she is "unwell" and i should "know better." they will come to my door and call the police if i chose not to answer. my mom will put herself in an institution just to make it more dramatic. and everyone will say i'm evil. they already do. apparently, i'm the cause of everyone's misfortune.
when my mom has been out of money... since she decided not to work for 20 years. the solution was to steal my identity. even before i turned 18, i had a ton of debt because she used it up. that debt was deleted, but no legal action was taken and no apology was issued. before i came to the faith, my family was involved in the occult. when my 17 year old boyfriend broke up with me, my mom's idea of making me feel so much better was taking me to a warlock who sexually abused me. when i have brought it up to her, she said that she was just trying to make me feel better. i told her that a mother is suppose to build up a child's self esteem, not make them want back a guy that did so much harm to them. she told my cousin about the incident and then they both laughed about it.... i don't think it's funny. and i hate when people say "it could be worse." Everything could be worse. try telling that to a child who was sitting there afraid, being sexually abused and people laughing about. i finally told my dad about it and he said he was angry at both of us. I was just a child and I made that very clear to him. he said my mom has always been very smart and he doesn't know what happened. by the way, my parents are divorced.
most of all, i feel like my dad is a coward who left me with this lady so that he could get away from her. then, everyone just tells me that she is my mom and wants what is best for me because she loves me. she does not love me. she is obsessed with me and thinks that i'm her little barbie doll. if she really did care about me, she would be trying to direct me towards a guy like the third one I mentioned. She would treat me with respect and not throw things at me and people have to stop her from punching me in the face. if she cared about me, she wouldn't steal my identity to buy clothes and then think it's justified because some of the clothes were for me. she wouldn't be laughing about happened to me. i was a victim. i'm so angry at both of them. they could take them to jail, fine them, put a restraining order on them... but honestly, they don't see what they have done wrong. that is what gets me angry. i feel like i am owed an apology. if i can't get that, i feel like i need validation from a jury... someone. i feel so alone. please help.
now, about her being irresponsible
I believe I answered your previous letter. In my answer then I told you that you were legally an adult and your family could not do the things you wrote about then. They still cannot do them today.
You need to take control of your life. If your relatives tell you that if you do not come to see your mother in the hospital or wherever that they will knock down your door and drag you out by your hair. If you believe they are capable of doing so and fear for your life and safety? Then their threat meats the legal definition of "Assault" and they can be arrested. This is also sufficient cause to get a protection order against any of then you believe would be involved. Should any of them start pounding on your door you call 911 and tell the call taker you have an order of protection against someone who is pounding on your door? This makes the call a priority call and officers will be dispatched to arrest them for violation of the protection order.
As for the other things with your mom, they are her problem not yours. What you do is send her a letter. In it you say "Mom I am grateful you and dad adopted me and gave me the opportunities in life that you have." "I will always love you for that, right now I do not like you very much for the way you are acting towards me; those are your problems not mine." "I am an adult and I am fully responsible for my actions" "If you don't like my boyfriend’s that's your problem, you don't like the way I dress again that's your problem, what I eat, who I chose to see and where I chose to go are all up to be and not subject to your review or approval." ""You harassing phone calls and showing up at my dorm unannounced must STOP and stop now today." "If they don't I will take the following action, !) I will get an order of protection prohibiting you from coming anywhere on campus. 2) I will notify you phone companies of your using the phone to harass me and ask them to turn your phones off."
"I do love you and I don't wish to take these actions." "Realize I am 24 years old and no longer a child that you need to protect or have a right to control." I"I would dearly love to have a proper mother daughter relationship with you." "If you force me to I will take the actions stated without hesitation or regret, the choice is yours."
Use your own words of course but this is what you have to do to take back your life. It is a form of tuff love in reverse.
I want to know how to tell my parents that i am bi. All my Friends know But no one in my family does so how do i break the news to them?
To be honest with you at 16 years of age I would hold off telling your parents you are bisexual. Even telling your friends your bisexual was a bit premature.
It may very well be that you are bisexual and if you are there is nothing wrong with that. Some doctors and scientists are of the opinions that like Gays people that are bisexual are born this way. If you are truly bisexual you would have had these feelings long before you become sexually aware.
This is why I am saying you may be a bit premature in in labeling your sexuality. It is a rite of passage for teenagers as they become sexually aware daring puberty to experiment sexually with someone of their same sex. There are many different reasons for this among them are it is safer, parents do not questions two teenagers of the same sex being alone in the same room together or even sleeping in the same room together.
Fact is many parents try to forget that many if not most of us learned about sex thorough experimentation with the same sex. Now how far each of us went with these experimentations differs greatly depending on each of us and our partners we experimented with.
Before you tell your parents make sure you are truly bisexual. When you know for sure then embrace your sexuality for it is who you are. This will sound a little strange but; "You are who you are because you are who you are." as far as your sexuality goes you parents have nothing to do with how you ultimately manifest sexually as it is ingrained in you at conception. Remember that fact and try to calmly remind them of that fact when you do decide to tell them.
As to how to tell them? I have always found that being truthful and straight to the point is the best way. When the time is right sit them down and say; "Mom, dad I think you should know that I have found my sexuality to be bisexual." Then say no more and wait for their reaction.
I will offer this as well. If you know your parents to be avidly against homosexuality then it may be best to keep your sexuality in the closet. Why? As far as I'm concerned your sexuality is your business and given your parents feelings, if they are avidly against homosexuality. Then it is in your best interest to keep you sexuality unknown to them until you are old enough to move out and live on your own.
My father has another wife and a kid in another country. He and my mom are not married but he comes over everyday for dinner when he's in the country which is most times and takes us out for dinner/vacations/everything a father does. He didn't tell me about this other wife and my sister. I found out on my own. I don't know what to do with it though. He's a great father. And I can't wrap my head around this. My mother knows but when she had me she didn't. He promised he'd marry her. But he didn't yet he still is around with her. He doesn't give her much money only when she really really needs it and even then its a loan. So she's not here for the money. Every weekend we go to his house and they don't sleep together they actually talk. Sometimes past midnight. So I'm guessing he loves her. But I can't fathom why he wouldn't marry her or divorce the other one. But I was hoping someone here can help me with it. I don't know what I should do with this information. What should I do with it? And also any ideas on why he's doing what he's doing?
I don't think you understood what I said to you. By law whether your father is a citizen of this country or not he is financially responsible for you until you are 18. He should be giving your mother money not loaning it to her. If your mother is unwilling to ask the courts for the legal papers required to make him pay child support; You are now old enough to ask the courts to do so. This is something you are entitled to by law.
I understand you love your father. I am a father myself and I do not understand how a man cannot live up to his financial responsibilities for children he fathers. No matter how much you may love him or he says he loves you; failing to live up to his financial responsibilities, in my eyes and the eyes of many fathers, make him a poor father and even less of a man. That is why I suggested you could take him to court IF YOU CHOSE TO.
The one thing that doesn't change with this information is that he is still your father and they are still your parents married or not. This is truly something that is between them. Most likely you are the result of an affair they had and to a certain respect he has not neglected his responsibilities to you as a father or to mom as the father of her child.
Where he is neglecting his responsibilities is in the area of child support. By law he is financially responsible for you until you're 18. The money he gives her should never be a loan but part of his legal responsibility to you and her. What mom needs to do is see a lawyer and have legal papers filed requiring him to pay child support as ordered by the courts and possibly support in the arrears to make up for what he hasn't paid.
If he fail to pay the support as ordered he can be denied entry into this country if he is a foreign worker or his passport can be revoked if he is a citizen of this country. His earnings if paid by a company of this country out of an account in this country can be attached as well.
You mother may be unwilling to do this or she and you dad may have come to an agreement or she may believe what ever he may have told her when you were born. Whichever is the case there is little or nothing you can do if mom is unwilling. You can not force them to marry. As I said to begin with you are most likely the product of an affair they had and there was never a marital interest to begin with.
You may be able to ask child services to intervene for child support if you are receiving any type of public assistance. Children and Family Services would want to go after your father for support if they can to recoup any money they have given your mom in the form of public assistance. This could take time and could involve legal charges against mom for making false statements to obtain public assistance if you are receiving any type of assistance.
You may be able to initiate legal proceedings for child support against your father. This would depend on the laws in your state. For this you would have to contact an attorney. First meetings with an attorney are of no charge and if the attorney is willing to take your case the attorney may be willing to do so with payment coming from the recovery of the child support.
So I was adopted by my grandma. My mom was in my life, though. Basically my mom and my grandma both raised me. Anyway, I'm 24 and I'm living in my own townhouse with my boyfriend in a completely different county. When I lived at home, I paid the bills and helped any way I could, because I lived in the house. However, now I have my own bills I need to pay. My grandma called me constantly asking for money to pay her such-in-such bill because she couldn't afford to pay it. I refused her once, and she would always bring up the fact she adopted me and that she raised me and that I owed her for it. Then, I end up having to go to court FOR her because the old landlord sued her and she refused to go. I'm now having to pay this debt to him because I was the one who showed up. Now, again, I'm having to go to court because of something she won't pay and won't go to. I tell her that I shouldn't have to go, and she, once again, brings up the fact that she raised me and that I owe her for it. It makes me feel so horrible. I didn't ask to be born, why does she keep doing this to me? And not only that, but it is getting me and my boyfriend into HUGE fights. What can I do about this?
If it is not your bill DO NOT GO TO COURT FOR IT. Unless your name is on the bill you are not responsible for it and do not need to go to court to answer for it. I'm not sure how you were made responsible for the landlords payment by going to court for your grandmother it wasn't you debt in the first place. If I were you I would contact an attorney to see if you can get out from under that one.
Unless you are named on the Court filing or must appear as a witness you are not required to be in court for any actions against your mother or grandmother. If your name is not on this filing do not go.
As to being obligated to pay these bills because you were adopted. NO. No child is responsible for their parents obligations. Be that child the parents natural born child or an adopted child. In the most recent mortgage crisis Banks have tried to go after children and other family members to recoup their losses and have been forced to return any moneys collected by the courts in most states where they have tried this. Even for student loans unless a parents name appears on the loan application the parent is not held responsible for the students failure to pay. I know because my sons loan fell into default and they never tried to get me to pay his loans.
Do not let mom or grandma bully you or coerce you through guilt to pay their bills for them. If you can afford to and wish to is one thing. If you cannot afford to and would cause you to default on any of your bills then you tell them you can't help them. Your credit and good credit rating has to come first.
Should you decide to help your grandmother or mother do not give them cash or a personal check. Get a cashiers check from the bank and make it out to the company it is going to. I once loaned my son some money to pay a debt to pay a bill and that company used my check as authorization to debit my checking account for future payments. We settled for them cancelling his debt and a written promise never to do that to anyone else. So if you ever loan them money do so with a cashiers check made out to whatever bill you are paying.
I've never been close with my dad, ever. We've always argued. It's probably because we're so similar. I got my anxiety and depression from him, so I guess that's probably because I take my anger out on him aswell.
We argue literally every day. 98% of the time is something negative. I do admit that I call him stupid, annoying, etc. out of anger (I have anger issues). He'll always say that I'm rude, annoying, even sometimes say I'm a bitch (Or that I'm acting like one). It doesn't get physical obviously. Usually I just get mad, go to my room, and slam my door. I am in my room 99.8% of the time. He just makes me so mad. He has a short fuse too. Even asking him a question will make him burst into flames. It's ridiculous. If I ever try to talk about it or say "You need to stop that" or whatever, it just gets awkward and he gets annoyed over it and blames it on me. I always raise my voice and it just gets bad. I don't know how to stop this without getting help or talking to him. Should I go awhile not talking to him?
Without knowing your age it will be hard for me to give you any advice. What I can tell you is I could have written this letter when I lived at home with my father. Like you the best I could do was avoid him as much as possible.
For reasons I didn't learn until I was much older he blamed me for many of his failures in life. I was always wrong and he was always right. It wasn't until I joined the Air Force that he saw me as a man and things got a bit better between us. But not for long, eventually after seeking help for depression and finding he was the root cause of my depression I broke all ties with him after my mother died. He died a broken lonely old man.
I know this doesn't help you but what I am attempting to show you is you're not alone. We don't get to chose our parents. Not all families are like the ones that use to be portrayed on television.
His constant yelling and screaming at you could be seen as mental abuse which would be seen as child abuse. You could talk with a trusted teacher or your school principal. IF they feel your home life is detrimental to your well being there are actions they must take to intercede.
My son and I have a much better relationship than I had with my father. When we do have a disagreement he reminds me he is the one who will be choosing my nursing home. I remind him I am the one spending his inheritance. Of course this is just away for us to joke between us. But you and any siblings you have will have that responsibility some day. My sister chose the Adult living center she put my father in which became his nursing home. It wasn't the best it was what he could afford as neither she or I felt obligated to pay for better. When you're older you might want to remind your father of this fact.
I'm 18 and still have one year of high school to go. My mom has alwsys intimidated me in a way where I feel like speaking gets me killed. I can't fully be honest because my mom snaps at me for being ignorant and selfish. She gets pissed at me for not knowing what I want or not understanding myself, then when I tell her what's really going through my mind she says it's my fault that there's problems. Right now my younger sister wants me dead because she allows her friends to harass me and she's told me that I need to kill myself all because my mom refused to let her rejoin color guard. I tell my mom and her response is "well you shouldn't have pissed her off." What kind of parent does that?
My mom gets mad at my dad for not having emotions, but gets mad at me for feeling anything. I can't be happy because it's too awkward and I'm always depressed. My mom feels a need to yell at me for being moody or not growing up. I can't help that I'm depressed all the time and she thinks I can just suck it up and smile.
My cousin recently lost her mom and her biological father is in prison, but I'm unable to care. I'm not exaggerating, I'm literally unable to care. All I can focus on is how loud she is and inappropriate she behaves around every single living being, and yet I'm punished for even raising my voice from joy. She even told me she'd choose my cousin over me. It makes me feel worthless when she puts me down this way. I've told her to her face, but I honestly think she hates me. I'm not allowed to dislike people but she is. I'm not allowed to let out my true emotions, but she is. I'm sick of her being a hypocrite. I'm close to giving up on everything and ending my life because I'm sick of having to carebut not being allowed to.
You are in an awkward position by being 18 which makes you legally and adult though still in high school living at home. If you were a year younger there are things I could tell you to do to get help from school and family services. Being a legal adult I'm not sure if the school or family services will be able to extend that help to you.
You are in a caustic environment this is evident in the sentence you wrote; "I'm close to giving up on everything and ending my life." You need help professional help. IF you feel ending your life is the only answer then call 911 for help. Not only will you get the help you need but maybe a wakeup call will be sent to your mother.
At school talk to a favorite teacher or your school principal about what your home life is like. If you were a year younger there are definitely things they can do to help you. It is possible since you are still in school those things are still available to you. Your home life is not conducive to good school work. You do want to graduate this year and hopefully someday go on to college. Ask a teacher or the principal for help.
The other option is more drastic which is to find a full time job, drop out of school and get a GED. With a full time job you can afford to find your own place to live either a rented room or an apartment with a roommate.
You can also talk to Military recruiters about joining a Branch of the Military. They may be able to help you get your GED while in the military and you may be trained in a career that is transferrable to a civilian career or you may just like the military and make it a career.
Suicide is not an answer it is the wrong solution. If you ever or are feeling suicidal please call 911 or go to the nearest hospital emergency room and ask for help.
My fiance and I have been together 3 years. His daughter is 4 and I have helped raise her. He has split custody with mom. I understand as a "step mom" I really can't have an opinion on any of their matters and try to stay out of the fire. I text mom if we are coordinating pick up or drop off, we talk when we are all at events for their daughter or simply having a meeting for schedules. I find myself to be civil and don't think their is anything wrong with keeping our relationship as that. I don't want to be friends with her. She takes this as me hating her and tells me I think of her as a witch and hate her because I won't get to know her and base my opinions of her off gossip. She texts me every few weeks demanding a meeting. We have never had a one on one but my fiance and I never felt the need. We know each other on a co-parent basis and not as friends. She demands we be more and tries to strong arm me into things. She says she just want to be friends and start with a clean slate but I find that easier said than done. She yells at me and freaks out if I don't say yes to a lunch date. I tried to explain it scares me and makes me uncomfortable to meet her when every time I don't agree with her she yells. She doesn't understand and looks at as me trying to undermine her as the mom. She slammed me on Facebook saying I think of her daughter as my own and label myself a step mom when I'm not. Bashed me to a mother group blaming me for some relationship issue with her now x. The thing is I have reached my hand out to her and she acts as if I am some stranger and says she needs to meet me so she can judge my character, but says it has to be a one on one with no one else there. And I am backed into the corner on it. I feel like I can't get away. She wants so desperately for us to be friends we tried before and she ended up using everything I said and turning it around into bad things. Should I agree to a one on one? Do I HAVE to do this? What should I say? How do I keep the upper hand so she can't walk on me? I'm seriously at a loss. She is so angry towards me everything I say she interprets as an insult because she is a victim. I am in desperate need for advice on how to deal with this type of person. What boundaries should I set for our relationship? What is okay to say/do in this situation. I don't want to mess up and jeopardize my relationship with my fiance or step daughter.
My best advice is as follows:
1) You and your fiancé need to sit down and discuss the relationship that you will have with his daughter. Since he is co=parenting you too will be a parent when she is in your home. What would he expect of you as a parent, in other words do you have full parental authority or a limited authority when she is with you. If he asks why? That brings you to #2,
2. If your fiancé is not aware of the situation between you and his daughters mother then you must make him aware of it. Then discuss your feelings with him and I'm confident he will agree with you that you do not need to be her friend.
As to her judging your character this one is a slippery slope. It could be just what it means it could be she is looking for grounds to modify custody. Make sure your fiancé is aware of the exact words she used when communicating this to you. It is not her place to judge your character that is your fiancé's place but could become a custody issue if she makes it one. Not wanting to be a friend or inject yourself between her and you soon to be husband is not a character fault. Wanting to be a good parent to her daughter as she and her father wishes you too is a positive objective on your part.
3. Once you and your fiancé are on the same page as to his ex and what he would like your relationship to be with her. Then sit down and write her a letter; do not text. I would say it should go something like the following.
(Insert name of fiancé) and I have discussed at length the relationship we feel is best that I have with you and your daughter. The facts are that I am going to be her stepmother and she will be spending time with me in our home.
I feel it is important that there be continuity between our homes in how she is being raised. When she is with us it should not be like she is suddenly on holiday. What happens in your house I want to continue in ours.
I know it is not possible for you to write everything down as to how things are done in your home. What you can do is give me the bullet points of the normal things and when the abnormal occurs I can communicate with you as to how you would handle it or wish it to be handled especially if her father is not home to at the time.
Things that I feel are important that I know are things such as doctors, bedtimes, church clothes VS play clothes. What foods she is allowed, not allowed. and favorites. Allergies are important to know, do we need to carry epie pens. When she starts school homework assignments that need to be completed. In other words coming to our home should not be a holiday but what it is a visit with her father.
In other circumstances it is possible we could be friends. Given the circumstances we have I think it best that we keep our relationship to what it is. You're the mother of my fiancé daughter and I'm going to be her step mom. We should limit our communication to what is in the best interest of the child.
Right now that is the relationship I am comfortable with. In the future who knows things could change. For now please stop trying to change what is and stop trying to set up one on one meetings for I will not meet with you in that manner. My interest in communicating with you for now is strictly what is in the best interest of your daughter.
Of course use your own words though I believe that is what you need to say.
This advice is over complicated, i don't have time to do that. And it would be very hard for me to help pay for some of the expenses since the job i work at is part time and minimum wage. My father didn't pay child support and my brother has a different dad from me and we don't know where his dad is. He ran away from home when my brother was a baby. I would also like to say that I would like to start saving my money for stuff for me later on in life like when i get my license, i must pay for half the car insurance and gas on a huge gas wasting minivan. Take these into account with my situation as well.
My advice may be overly complicated though it is what has to be done to find out just what the family financial situation is, Based on what you wrote in your last question; mom is not good with her finances and spends money she needs for important things frivolously, my take on what you wrote.
It is unfortunate that at such an early stage of adulthood I'm asking you to be the adult of the family. To either take control of the family finances or at the very least sit down with mom and show her how to budget. I wish there was another easier way to do what needs to be done, there is not. If it is not done, if things like the mortgage and condo fee's are not paid on time you could lose the house. Don't pay the utility bills on time they turn them off. To have them turned on will require huge deposits.
You did not mention the gas guzzling minivan in your last question. You also do not say how old it is. I agree with the previous advisor that you should suggest to mom she get rid of this for a more gas efficient vehicle. With just the three of you I see no need for a minivan a small compact car, used or new, should meet your family needs.
If you find moms debts exceed her income then her alternatives are few and she should consider filing chapter 11 bankruptcy. This type of bankruptcy will allow her to keep the house and the car while consolidating monthly debts, other than utilities and mortgage, into one small monthly payment. This will also require she put together a budget which she will get some help in doing so.
Okay, so, my mom is a single mother and she works two jobs and somehow she has no money for anything. I understand its hard to be a single mother, but its out of control. She has two jobs, she doesn't pay for a lot of stuff for me anymore, she's making me pay for my phone bill and my brothers phone bill (he's 11, I'm 18), I just started my first job a month ago. We live in a condo, and she's still paying for mortgage and she's behind on the monthly dues. I don't understand where all her money is going. She makes me do everything around the house and she gets mad at me so easily. I just recently saw an envelope with my college fund money and its 10,000 dollars less than it was before and I have a strong feeling that she took it out and spent it. I don't know what she spent it on and she says we still do not have money. We live in a two bedroom condo and currently house foreign exchange students to help pay for our house even though we own the condo. I sleep in my moms bed with her. If I want my own room again, I have to pay rent which is ridiculous. I'm just so confused about where all this money is going and I just want to know how you guys feel about my situation! Thank you!
You don't say where your father is in all this. If your parents are divorced then child support for you ended when you turned 18 but should still be being paid for your brother.
The previous writer had a good idea which I'm going to elaborate on in a bit. First lets talk about the College fund. That money should not be sitting around in an envelope in a draw it should be in a Bank earning interest. IF this is your money not moms money or money your parents have been saving for college for you then I suggest you take it to a bank and open a savings account in your name only. You are legally an adult at age 18 and do not need a parent as co-owner on any bank account.
As to the family finances. It just may be that mom is not a good money manager. Maybe in the past dad handled all the finances. What I suggest you do is talk to mom and ask her if you can help with the family fiancés. Tell her you're working now and you would like to help but only if you can see where money is going and needs to go. TO do this you need to know what is coming in and what is going out.
The first thing you need to know is how much money you have to work with. She needs to tell you how much her take home pay is from her two jobs plus any child support. If she is not receiving any child support and dad is still in the picture, then this is something we need to cover and will in a bit.
Once you have moms take home pay for each check she receives multiply it times the number of checks she receives each month. This gives you her monthly income. Put you monthly income in a separate column.
Next in a separate column write down all the monthly expenses starting with the mortgage and the utilities, phone bills, internet, cell phones, gas for the car, car insurance, health insurance if not supplied from one of her employers. Monthly food expenses, estimate other expenses like co-pays for medicine, doctor and dentist visits and any other NEEDED expenditures.
Add up the total of monthly expenses if it exceeds moms income start eliminating unnecessary expenses starting with your brothers cell phone. There is no necessity for an 11 year old to have a smartphone. If mom wants him to have a cell phone for emergencies so she can reach him or him her. There are children's emergency cell phones which allow calls to other cell phones or land line plus 911. They are very inexpensive and can be had on a prepaid basis.
Dry cleaning can be cut back on by wearing more sash and wear clothing. Internet and cable TV are nice but not a necessity, Hula is a less expensive alternative to cable TV. If her grocery shopping includes name brand products switch to store brands. I know for a fact they are less expensive and just as good, sometimes even better then the name brand.
Once you have done this you have hopefully brought the total expenditure down to at least equal to her income or less than her income. Now look at your income. IF there is say a difference in what is now the budget a surpluses for her of $50 if you are able to give her $150 dollars so she has a monthly surplus of $200 or $50 a week. This is important as a budget is just that a budget. She needs a surplus each week to get her through for unexpected expenditures.
The rest of what you earn is yours which you put in your checking account, NOT in an envelope in a draw around the house where she can find it. With your checking or savings account the bank with give you an ATM card so you will be able to get cash when you need it.
Child support: If dad is still alive and not paying child support then mom needs to see a lawyer and take him to court. It is the law that until your brother is 18 he must pay child support. There are ways the law can force him to pay. The can attach earning, the can attach his tax refund. They can take away his license to drive and even revoke the registration on his car. His passport can be revoked and he can even be jailed, If mom cannot afford a lawyer she can have one appointed for her by the courts. All she needs to do is go see the clerk of the District Court.
HI, I'm 13 years old. My parents won't buy anything for me or even let me buy anything with my own money, I don't know what to do. My parents say they don't want to spoil me and say that I'm a brat just for asking. But also, how will I learn to manage money if I can't make a mistake while learning how to. I only have 43 dollars and I've been saving that up like my whole life, and when I ask my dad for something and present him with the money, he thinks I stole the money. PLEASE HELP.
It would help to have more information such as what are some of the things you want to purchase. It would also help to know why your dad thinks you stole the money.
While I can't directly address your question as to why your parents tell you know. In a sense you did answer your own question in what you wrote. You wrote, how will I learn to manage money if I can't make a mistake while learning how to."
Every parent; parents differently. It is unfortunate but you guys don't pop out of your mothers with handbooks like new cars come with. We as parent learn on the job, so to speak, as to how to parent. It is harder with the first child and gets easier with the second child. Unfortunately the older child is the one who we learn with so they suffer the most and the second and others get to sail right through from what we learn from the first. It is wrong and the fact is we know it and most of us do try to compensate for it, some don't.
Back to your question; your dad may think he is teaching you how to manage your money by saying no to things you want to buy with your own money. Being an adult he may not see the need or the benefit of what you want. Therefore he say's something like; "you don't need to waste your money on that." As someone who has made his living in sales I can tell you if the person you are trying to sell something to does not see a need or benefit to what you offering they won't buy.
If this is the case with your father then my first recommendation would be. You need to show your dad why you need not just you want it. You also need to show him there is some benefit to why you want to make this purchase. Under those heading don't go up to him as say, "I want it because every other kid in school has it." "Doing so will probably get you know where with your dad.
My second recommendation is find out why your dad thinks you have stolen this money. IF you can prove to him how wrong he is then do so. If say some of this money came from cash birthday gifts write down on a piece of paper how much came from whom. Like $5 from Aunt on this occasion and so on. If you get an allowance and you put some away each week, write that down. It may add up to more than what you have and that is okay for you can also write down what you spend money on. Such as lunch at school; a slice of pizza after school, hamburgers or something when at the Mall with friends or other things you might spend small amounts of your own money on.
If your father thinks you stole that money then somewhere along the line you did something or he believes you did something that has caused him to mistrust you. It is unfortunate if he preserves' this mistrust. You are still the one that has to earn it back or prove to him he is wrong. If he is anything like my father was he will never admit he was wrong but will accept your apology or proof you did nothing wrong.
It is tough being teenagers especially a young teenager such as yourself. You’re not a child and you’re not an adult. You are what I call a tweener. People expect you to act like an adult but treat you like a child. Hang in there it does get better.
Hi! I'm a transgender teen (female to make) I haven't come out or anything yet but I know I'll have to. I asked another question in regards to coming out a few days ago, but this is a whole different topic. I'll obvioudly have to pick a name when I transition. I've been considering Gabe, Ben, and Lance. But I feel SO guilty changing my name because my mother always talks about how ever since she was little she's always wanted a girl named Laura Grace and that's why she gave me, her firstborn daughter, that name. She always talks about how I "have the best name out of the bunch" ("the bunch" being my 5 other siblings). She's so proud of my name because it's a mix of her favorite boom character (Laura) and the grandmother who she always looked up to (Grace). She loves my name. Everytime I consider bringing up the subject of being caked something else, I feel a crushing guilt about how much my mother loves my name. How do I change my name in the future without crushing her? She has no idea that Im transgender and im afraid to take her daughter away.
I may have answered your last question. If I did I gave you some resources to call for help with your problem. These resources are still good for todays question and what I am about to ask you.
In your last question you mention you are 14 which puts you in the early stages of puberty and sexual awareness. Transgender is todays hot button of sexuality but it is not something you wake up one morning and say you are. Just lie being Gay or Lesbian being transgender is how you were born and you would have known this a long time ago.
You may not have known the word when you were say 4 or 5 but you would have known at that time that you were not like other little girls that you identified more with little boys. You would have been confused and most likely not have been able to express this to your parents. You would have been uncomfortable wearing dresses and fought with mom to wear pants.
Based on what you have written today and your last question my concern is you are confused on your sexual identity possibly a bit scared to be a girl sexually and not having any lesbian feeling you have settled on todays hot button, "Transgender".
"I'm not a psychologist and I could be wrong. I have been answer question on the website for a long time and my instincts tell me I may be right. About 85% to 90% of the time I am right based on the feed back I do get.
IF I am correct there is nothing wrong with being 14 and confused about your sexual identity. In todays world you are forced to identify with many things long before you need to. Knowing who you are sexually is something you need time to identify and grow into especially if you have nothing in your past to tell you that you are gay or lesbian or in the wrong body. You still have to learn to identify with your sexuality. Just knowing that physically you are a man or a woman and that you identify with your physical self does not mean you automatically know who you are sexually.
What I recommend is you first make sure you are truly Transgender and not sexually confused as I suspect you may be. To do this requires some courage on your part to ask you parents to allow you to see a psychologist who can help you sort this out. If you are truly transgender at some point if you wish to transgender you are going to need to see a psychologist anyway before you can have the surgery.
Once you are absolutely sure you are transgender and if you still need help with today's question. Contact the resources I have given you. They are far more qualified to help you with these questions then we are. You would not be the first person to have these problems and they will be able to offer suggestions.
Hyy...this is a girl...who was a fun loving grl..of 17 BT still survives much harder...my dad has past last year and now my mom hates me alloott I know very well that my absence and my presence dosnt make much differnce ...Im hated by evry family member BT luved by my friends BT bearing so long with my mom I m now tyrd destroyed fully so want to dei or leave or go smewhre far BT no money no courage no idea..BT want to leave fynally at NY how..where should I go what should I do...please help want to work I know much younger still want to stand on my legs if not suicide then...????
Until your 18 we really can't help you with were to go as legally parents are responsible for your health and safety until you turn 18. If you were to leave you would be considered a runaway and returned home until you turn 18.
Suicide is also not an answer it is the wrong solution to a temporary problem. What you need is professional help to fix what is wrong with your dysfunctional family and causing you to feel suicidal.
If you are felling suicidal then the quickest way to get help is to dial 911 and ask for help. All you need to tell the call taker is you are feeling suicidal and help will be sent to you.
There are a number of ways to get help for your problems. One way is to talk to a trusted teacher or your school principal. If you are unhappy at home or in a dysfunctional family you cannot do well at school. Once they know of a problem they must take action to correct it.
Another way is to call one of the hot lines I am giving you. The first is called "The Kids Help Phone" They specialize in problems relating to what kids your age face. Their number is 1-800-668-6868. The hot line is open 24/7 365 days a year.
The other is: The National Suicide Lifeline/ No matter what problems you are dealing with, they want to help you find a reason to keep living. By calling 1-800-273-TALK (8255) you’ll be connected to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area, anytime 24/7.
So my step dad is always telling me what to do.I just don't like it when he asks my me to do somthing thing like I'm his own daughter because I am not. He's still a new person in my life I haven't adjusted to him what so ever and even though I made it seem like I have , I really feel like I haven't. I feel like I was only preteneding I was used to him for my mom or maybe I made myself belive I was okay with him around, especially sense he works two jobs all day long and I barley see him makes it hard to get used to. Now to ask for the actual advice from you guys. I don't know what to do. I want to be okay with him. My mom loves him and she loves him very much.. I just can't adjust to him. My dad left us and only keeps in touch when he actually remebers us and by us I mean to say my little siblings as well. Now I feel like if my dad isn't here no one can tell me what to do. Besides if I didn't listen to my own dad why would I listen to my future fake dad.... Yeah I carry a im just mad at the moment but I know I have to get used to him anyway just need advice on how to cope or hear a similar story to realate with somone.
thanks for reading
This is an interesting question that deserves a little more than a flat answer.
First let me tell you I am old enough to be your grandfather. Which means my advice comes with the wisdom of my age, so keep this in mind when reading my answer to you.
You are correct this man is not your father. Your mother loves him and he loves her. He is working hard to support her, you and your siblings; something your biological father for whatever his reasons walked away from.
Does this mean you have to love your stepfather? No it does not; but you do owe him the respect he is due for stepping in and taking care of you and your siblings as well as your mother. Give this man some credit for stepping in and taking on the responsibilities of providing for another man’s children. Even if your biological father is paying child support that support does not supply everything you need or desire.
Giving this man the respect he deserves does mean doing things he asks of you especially those things that are in reason and part of being a family group. An example of some of those things within reason would be keeping your room cleaning, taking on some household chores to make life a bit easier on your mom especially if she has a job outside the home. Those chores might be doing laundry, preparing dinner, watching over your siblings’ things of this nature.
Your age is shown as 17, the only information I can see other than you are female. This tells me you may have a driver’s license. If you are allowed to drive a family car for which he supports; if asked to take that car for servicing, this would be a reasonable request. Taking your siblings where they may need to go would also be a reasonable request which you should honor without question in return for all he is doing for you and your family.
Now where things become a little murky would be with dating. Understand something; when you live under someone's roof you live by their rules. That roof may be your parents, grandparents, college or stepparent you must live by their rules.
Since you do not say exactly what the problem is I will go out on a limb here and say that a dating curfew may be a problem. If so please understand two things.
1. If he didn't care for you as in have some parental feeling or love for you. He wouldn't care about your safety and put any type of restrictions on you, especially a curfew."
2. It is extremely probably that your mom and he are of one mind on this and as the head of household it is his job to lay down the rules, both the good and the bad.
It is tough being a parent even to your own kids. It is tougher to be a parent to someone else's especially to a 17 year old. So give him some credit and give him a chance.
Next year when you’re 18 and legally an adult the rules change. If you choose to remain in his house you still must live by his rules if he is still supplying the majority of your support. Meaning you’re in college or working but cannot support yourself. The rules though have to reflect and give you the benefit of the fact that your are an adult and allowed to do many things that even the day before you turned 18 your parents had control over. One of the things that change is rules on dating. A curfew becomes a request to be home by a certain time or to call if you’re going to be later. This is respect for your parents worrying.
Since you are now 17 and your 18th birthday will be here before you know it. Now is the time to start a discussion with mom and your step dad about becoming an adult and the freedoms that come with it.
I have a crush on my 19 yr old brother I've been fantasize about him since I was 13 what should I do ask him out or seduce him?
I will start by saying the other advisors are correct. It is wrong to try and have sex with a family member, it is called incest. Besides being morally wrong it is also illegal in all western countries and cultures.
That being said it is understandable as to why you are having these fantasies. You're not alone in having them. Both boys and girls have them after entering puberty and become sexually aware. Some fantasies focus like you on an older sibling, some on parents of the opposite sex. Others may focus on the mother, father , older sister or older brother of a friend. It is completely normal.
To act on these fantasies is where you depart from normal. Yes even with your friends older siblings if they are much older than you. With a parent, sibling or first cousin having a sexual relation with them at any time is incest and illegal. The reason being is mostly because of the chance of pregnancy and the baby suffering from many different forms of mental retardation and birth defects. It is also morally wrong and if you are religious you will find it so in the bible of your religion.
What to do about these fantasies. You cannot act upon them for the reasons given. You can if you wish masturbate to them if you feel you must. This though is as far as you can take these fantasies.
My parents started not caring once i turned 10, as they never planned a party since, so i think it led to me kind of having a complex about age. while other kids celebrated turning 13, 16, etc. with their friends, i just would get a cake, and if i was lucky, like $20. i feel like i missed out on those important birthdays.. you're only those integral years once. is a 43rd birthday really as special as a 16th? i feel kind of anxious about it. birthdays instead went from being fun party days to sad days i hated. when i have kids, i want to celebrate all their birthdays, even when they become adults. even if they're far away in college i'd send a gift or something. it's not like my family couldn't afford birthday parties even at our house. but it's like.. it stopped mattering to my parents, and they wonder why i had trouble with friends and everything. if my future child had trouble making friends i'd organize activities and help her branch out, not just ignore the problem. my mom even goes to blame me for my lack of friends, even when i'm literally nice to everyone i meet. she just tends to not apparently be on my side with such matters, and can be as hurtful as a bully at times. don't get me wrong, i'm grateful she gives me food and clothing and what not but for someone who is so social and has so many friends i don't understand why she didn't help foster that sort of thing within me, when it caused me years of anguish, but i digress.
I don't remember having a birthday party for each of my Birthdays. I have reminders of my first through fifth from photo's and movies. My sister was born just before my sixth birthday and my birthdays were celebrated with a cake at dinner and a gift.
My sisters' first through fifth were celebrated as mine were. When she turned six I was twelve and mom had a party for me. My next party was when I was 18 my sister was twelve. We both had parties that year. Then there was a party for her sweet sixteen and a party for me when I returned home from the military. My sister was married before she turned twenty-one so her wedding was the last party my parents made for her.
I don't know why mom stopped making birthday parties for us except milestone parties after age five. We weren't rich but we weren't poor either. I never asked her about and frankly until I read your letter I never thought about it.
Birthdays were always celebrated with the celebrant having mom cook their favorite meal and a cake. This include Dad. For moms birthday we all went out to eat. Nothing fancy just so mom didn't have to cook and a bakery cake. Sometimes we could invite a friend or two.
I can't tell you why your mom does or did as she has done in celebrating your Birthday. If you have siblings and she is different with them then I would say something is wrong but you haven't' said so. IF your parents didn't care there would not be any $20 bills and new clothes would be few and far between.
There may be more to this than you may be aware of and you might be making more of this than there is to it. I see no harm in asking mom why she doesn't make a bigger deal out of your birthday.
These past few days I've been feeling really down. I'm a senior in highschool and I've always done good in school and gotten 90s and 100s but this year I'm getting 80s I know it's not horrible but I won't be able to make honor roll, which I really want to. I'm surprised I even made it last semester considering how my grades have dropped this year. But I'm taking honors classes and 2 AP's. I barely have any friends, only one that I really talk to in school and eat lunch with. I feel like no one likes me and thinks of me as pathetic and a loser because I'm quiet. The reason I don't talk much in my classes is because I might have social anxiety. I'm always worried about what other people are gonna say or think of me. It's always been like this.
Also I've been doing bad in gym and I don't know why but my teacher gave me a 65 today, even though I did participate. I always see kids sitting around and talking to their friends and not doing anything and she never says anything to them. I've never gotten that grade and I feel so stupid now.
I feel useless and unimportant and like no one cares about me. I have really low self esteem and I'm always feeling bad about myself. I feel like I'll never be confident. The past 3 years of highschool were fine idk why but I really hate this year. I feel so useless and lonely.
Not to mention I have problems at home too. My parents don't talk to each other, if they do they just end up fighting. I don't talk to me dad, I feel like he doesn't care about me or anyone in my family. He doesn't know anything about my school or care to ask. My mom is the one who has always done EVERYTHING for me and my 2 siblings. She works hard to take care of us even though she's diabetic and had surgery on one of her legs. Since my parents aren't speaking to eachother they don't sleep in the same room. My mom has to sleep on a sofa in the livingroom and my dad doesn't even care. My brother doesn't even have his own room and he's 23. He has to sleep in the livingroom. My older sister is disabled, she stays home all the time and isn't getting better. I don't know what to do.
Your school life is not all that bad. In fact you may be trying a bit too hard. The senior year is usually a year where you can relax a bit having taken most of the courses you need for graduation and now are taking only the electives required. From what you have written it appears you have really loaded up your senior year as well as the past three years. There is nothing wrong with this as it will make you stand out more on your college applications. On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being the best I would rate your school life at around 7 or 8.
Your home life is a different story. There is not much you can do about your home life. You can grin and bear it for the next 8 or 9 months until you go off to college, hopefully you are for you sound like the type of student who deserves a college education. I have one suggestion about college which I will get to shortly.
The other thing you can do about your home life is to talk to a trusted teacher or your school principal. You are living in a dysfunctional family. This is not good for them or you. I believe this is partly the reason for your low self-esteem and the way you are feeling right now which has the sounds of you being depressed. The teacher or your principal are required to notify the proper agencies to step in and correct what is wrong at home so you can excel at school.
The agency most effective in correcting what is wrong at home is Child Welfare Services. They would be most interested in you and your disabled sister regardless of her age. Your 23 year old brother is an adult and would be seen as such capable of caring for himself.
Children of different sexes must, under the law, have different bedrooms regardless of age. A reason why your brother is sleeping in the living room with your mother. Something CWS will not like either. Your sister being disabled may have special needs that require her own room.
Whatever is wrong at home CWS can force your parents to make it right. They cannot force your father to pay attention to you though they can force him to do what is right under the law for you.
By talking to a trusted teacher or your principal things at home could be made better for you. Which will hopefully make things better at school which is what this is all about. CES can also arrange counseling for you to help with your self-esteem.
Now as to college. I do hope you will be going to college. If you are please do not make the mistake many bright students such as yourself generally make. College is different than high school. This is more independent learning required of you. Your are going to need to manage your time better than you may be doing now. The mistake many students make is to load themselves up with course the first semester or even the first year; This is wrong.
If you're planning on an early graduation or a double major then plan on taking course over the summer and during intersessions. During the semester year, especially the first year take only the minimum course to be a fully matriculated student which I believe is still 18 credit hours. This will allow you to learn how to best manage your time.
If you find you are having trouble managing your time remember who I am as I can help you with that. Time management is skill that should be taught to all college bound students. I had to learn it for work and I learned it from an expert.