ask Smartone

read advice get advice make favorite read feedback advicenators

I am a wife and a mother of three grown sons. I live in New York and am an equestrian. Most of my free time is spent riding and caring for my horses now that my sons are out of the house.

I give down to earth advice, as I tell it like I see it...and I've seen alot.
Gender: Female
Location: New York
Member Since: January 17, 2009
Answers: 281
Last Update: September 11, 2011
Visitors: 8707

My bf has a 2 1/2 year old with his ex. He and I have been together for almost 2 years now.
His ex and I are friends, but has a problem with me doing anything to parent their child.
I don't view it as parenting, but being an adult when there is a dangerous situation at hand.
For example, we were all together eating dinner the other night. Mom went outside for a couple minutes and dad went to the bathroom. Boy was playing around while eating and then did a "backflip" in his chair (he is on the ground in a foam little kids chair) with a fork in his mouth.
I told him he can't do that and he will get his fork taken away if he continues to play when he should be eating.
He kept playing around and doing dangerous things like that, even when mom and dad came back to the room.
I told him again that that isn't safe and he needs to stop.
Mom got very defensive then started to yell at dad and I because I was parenting the child.
Dad didn't even see what happened.

I view my relationship as a partnership with my bf when it comes to his son.
He sees things I don't, I see things he doesn't.
This has happened many times and I don’t know why or what to do to fix it.
I discipline him according to their rules, which changes every week!

I am to the point that I want to not be around AT ALL when my bf's son is over visiting for any reason (bf's weekend, just because, etc.)

I am very frustrated and upset because of this and at my wit's end!

What exactly did I do wrong?
Am I in the wrong for trying to help?

Thank you for your advice. (link)
You didn't do anything wrong. The kid sounds like a brat and, if he isn't, he eventually will be because the "rules change every week". His ex is a flake and dad should have defended you.

I don't know...this situation has the potential of getting real bad.

If you aren't supposed to "parent" the child, then why were both of them missing when this situation occurred. One would think one of the parents would be present with the child at all times. Who left the room first, mom or dad? If mom left first, then dad, it was assumed by dad that you are capable of handling the child in any situation that may occur. He should have defended you when his ex started her tantrum. He should have said, "She is capable of caring for little Poindexter when we parents are not present so she is capable of giving him guidance."

If dad left first, then mom, then obviously she has enough trust in you to leave her child with you. How dare she complain that you "parent" the child.

Either way, would she complain if her babysitter reprimanded the child? How about a teacher. She's nuts. Think about this relationship because if you make it permanent, you may have lots of this nonsense to go through.

can anyone identify this font? (link)
I think it's Arial.

ok so last year, this gang of boys used to tease me about my skin color and gave me a nick black b!^@# ... :\\\'( i cried lots...and i wasn\\\'t a snitch so i didn\\\'t tell on them. well this year, this is what one guy said to me.. pretend my name is leslie. so this was a conversation on fb..commented on my closest friend\\\'s status...i have brown skin...why do they make fun of me?? i dont wana snitch on them...coz they will hate me even more. now i feel like running away. or going to my hometown where im safe with my family members :( help me please!! i\'d rather talk to someone privately...but can\\\'t send email addresses here. .. ..and is it good for my friend to keep helping \\\"boy\\\" even if he made fun of me??

boy: im happy as long as that ugly bitch dies

girl two: what?!

boy: leslie (me, pretend im leslie the one who wrote this)

girl two: you seriously need help. =p

boy: she seriously needs to get hit by a car

girl two:. that\\\'s really mean :/ why would you say that?

boy: its harram, or sin to be that ugly

girl two: -_- have you looked in the mirror l8ly? haha jk! i\\\'m joking ok.!! :s

boy: yeah i know what jk means ;)

girl two:^^ good.. :d

my close friend:....i don\'t know what to say....

girl one: boy....get a freakin life...your so freakin meannnnnnn

and no one can b as ugly as you..:p

boy: least im not in love with carl ;)

girl one: wtfffffff im not in luv with himmmmmm you freakin idiot!! you big mouthed asshole!! :p

my close friend: i\'m with girl one!...she called you an asswhole n deserve it!!...(its for boy) jst too nice tht im still helpin you man!! (link)
How old are you? Is this happening in school or out?

If it's in school, don't worry about being a snitch. You need to discuss this with someone in authority. If it's happening in your neighborhood, then you need to get your parents involved. This kid has no right to harass you and you are under no obligation to tolerate it. It is harassment, pure and simple.

This creep needs to be knocked down a few notches.

If it's any consolation, people like that have very low self esteem and they lash out at others that they feel are weak and can't or won't fight back. The only way they can boost their own weak ego is to push someone else down. They are pathetic, nevertheless, he needs to be put in his place.

My mother is 52, smoked all her life with cancer. Had pneumonia twice. A couple of days ago she was having alot of shortness of breath and pain in her chest shooting to her back. we went to the walk in and the doctor called the ambulance. They took x ray and asked her if she ever came into contact with tb. Why would they ask that? Also they said she yhad a small lesion on her lung??? she still ahs the same pain. what could this mean? (link)
TB infections can cause lesions on the lungs, therefore, the doctor may suspect TB.

I had to write a paper for my english class on Ancient Egyptians. The paper is about everything from their daily lives to gods to pharaohs to schools to just about everything. Please please please help me come up with a creative A+ title. :)
missa (link)
Everything You've Ever wanted to Know About Ancient Egyptians....
...but were afraid to ask.

Mummies, Mathematics and Pyramids
The Ancient Egyptians

There's this kid that I had a little thing with for a few weeks.Then one of his best friends randomly said he "doesn't like me anymore." He tried to talk to a few of my friends ,but they denied him.And he knew I was interested in him.He isn't good looking or popular ,he actually hasn't had a girlfriend since 8th grade and we are in 11th.I do actually like him a lot ! The reasons I think he likes me are : he talks to me on IM every single night (he talks to me first) for like atleast 2 hours ,he texts me when he's at work just to say hey,he asks me to chill every weekend and sometimes during the week,and sometimes his friends ask me about "us".Yet whenever we have long deep talks (which is almost daily) he gets into how he doesn't bother trying to get a girl and how he isn't trying to "talk" to any girls and how he believes in "love at first sight"..which tends to confuse me.Yet,I never hint that I like him either and I kinda go along with what he says just so I don't sound dumb.This has been going on for about 1 month and we kissed one time when we first started talking.He says he talks to me the most ,(out of girls) so idk...
i need advice! and i'm to scared to bring up "him and I " as a topic unless he brings it up first..HELP! (link)
Sounds to me like he likes you but, he may have the same fear as you have...not wanting to put it all on the line because of fear of rejection. Everyone has a fear of rejection so they tread carefully. He "...doesn't try getting a girl" and "believes in love at first sight", means (in my opinion)..."I'm not trying to pursue other girls because I found the one I like. You."

I wouldn't come out and play my hand in the open yet. Perhaps when you talk to him again you could say something that will leave him wondering, like, "I really love talking to you, Dexter (or whatever his name is). You're such a refreshing change from the guys I know." or "You're very smart (funny, wise, strong, fill in the blank.) Have you ever thought about being in the CIA? (Saturday Night Live, writing a book, mixed marshal arts contests, fill in the blank.)

Don't get mushy or let your eyes glaze over. Leave him wondering. Statements like this will peak his interest if he really is interested in you. It will leave him wondering if you like him. Guys love compliments (who doesn't). It builds their ego and makes them feel like a man, but don't overdo it! Then it'll sound like you're crazy about him or just plain crazy. Keep it to a minimum, one small, personal compliment every other day or so. He'll say to himself...Hmmm. This is the only girl who really sees me for who I am. She's aware of my great intellect. She must be quite intelligent, herself.

On the other hand, if he's not interested in you, he may distance himself. You have to be prepared for the outcome. Either way, you'll have your answer, and it will come about in a way that will not be embarrassing to you or him, which is what you want.

i really want my best friend to get into a steady relationship. how can i help her? she really wants to but she has never seen a steady relationship other than me and my boyfriend which we are fifteen and she planned our wedding and already made invitations.. were not getting married anyyyytime soon. she doesnt even know who her dad is and each of her siblings is from a different dad. we go to a school that either half the people are rich in mansions and half are country kids. me n her are neither, and its a school of all white kids and shes the only black person so she makes so many black jokes, yet she is very outgoing dramatic and the loudest and the most independant person iv ever met, in a good way, were there for eachother no matter what since we both go through so much. she only dates black guys n keeps asking me to find her a guy but i cant at all, she goes out with someone n uses them and breaks up within a few days. she really wants a good relationship but what can i do to help her im out of ideas? and none of this is supposed to sound racist so if it is im so sorry i dont mean to (link)
She's kind of young at 15, or thereabouts, to need a steady relationship. There's more to life than that. She should get involved in organizations and/or clubs, churches, etc., that offer something that she is interested in. Any hobby that she might have, whether it's dancing, history, cooking, anything. Doesn't matter. If she joins an organization with like minded people, she will automatically meet many people who could potentially turn into a future relationship. The best relationships come when two people share a common interest. Then there are volunteer organizations. Habitat for Humanity, Equine organizations that help handicapped children learn to ride horses, Gardening clubs, the list goes on and on. She needs the will to get involved.

I am looking for a brand new hair line.

my natural hair is- dirty blonde/light brown and straight.

but i started to straighten my hair everyday and then it became very dry and brittle. then i didn't like my color so i died it a medium/dark brown.

right now my hair is- medium length (shoulder length), medium/dark brown, and it is really frizzy and dry and damaged and it has some kinks in it. also, its thin/medium thin.

I need a hair design line that fits these


-very dry/damaged hair
-safe for colored hair (wont fade the color)
-will make my hair turn back into straight and not kinky.
-leave in/deep conditioner

that's about it.

right now i'm thinking about these lines

-pantene pro-v

can anyone give me good reccommendations or opinions about those lines or any other lines?

thanks you!! (link)
One product will help your situation. It's called Aveda Brilliant Emollient Finishing Gloss. Use it lightly. A little goes a very long way! It's about $30.

That said, this product, and any other, will only give the appearance of healthy hair. Your hair needs to grow out before it will ever be truly healthy. The only way to get rid of the damage is to cut it off, unfortunately. Once you do, your hair will be restored to it's previous condition and then you will know not to use those harsh chemicals on it again.

You heard it right! I can't believe it but I am very allergic to earrings. My ears are pierced so what do I do now? Do I just let them heal over or is there something else I can do?

I agree with the previous adviser. You're probably allergic to nickel. I have the same problem, but I also experience allergic reactions to silver. I can only wear 14k gold or better. It depends on how sensitive you are to metals.

what is wrong with me? I don't feel like being around anyone at all. It's a friday night and I want to lay down and watch a movie by myself. My friend said she doesnt want to go out wither and drink like usual so instead we planned on making dinner and renting a movie. I dont even feel like being around her even though the idea sounds nice. It's not her it's me I dont feel like socializing lately. When i'm in a social environment I smile but dont know what to say and I get anxious to want to leave. I use to known as a social butterfly but now I want to be left alone. When I am alone sometimes im content becasue I dont have to make an effort to communicate with anyone. Other times I cry because I dont know whats wrong with me. (link)
Why would you think there is something wrong with you? People change over the years. What was once fun and all the rage, tends to get old if you do it enough.
I, myself, used to be a social butterfly, but after so many years of it, I realized that it wasn't what I really wanted to do. I didn't want to go out and drink with my friends. I wasn't all that interested in meeting anyone and what really did interest me was to sit home with a good book and the tv remote. I just acted on my desires and didn't give it a second thought.
If I were you, I would just go with it and not try to analyze this. Just do what you enjoy. I'm also betting, that after you sit home for a few months, that'll start getting old and you'll be out with friends again. That will be fine, too.

I think, right now, you need your space and the freedom to do as you please for a while. No big deal and certainly, no reason to cry! ENJOY!

I hurt my hand the other day and it still hurts when I do certain things with it. There is one knuckle that is like SUPER sore so I guess my question is: how do i know if my knuckle is dislocated?

Can anyone help me with this?

Thank you! (link)

Im a17 year old guy living in South Africa and my dads having an affair. Most nights he sneeks out and when I look out the window I see him going to the womans house ( she lives practically across the street). The thing is this woman is a family friend to my family and my parents work with her plus to top it all off she's a teacher at my school! My dad doesnt know that I know about the affair. What should I do?! This is really tearing of apart and some advice will be greatly appreciated. (link)
Confront him. Tell him what you've seen and tell him if it doesn't stop, you will be forced to tell your mother as you feel it is morally wrong, will break up the family and a very bad example for you. Tell him, "I'm your son. I shouldn't have to lecture you on incorrect behavior. It's supposed to be the other way around."

If he stops this behavior, then thank him and let it go. If he doesn't, well, sit mom down.

My boyfriend of a year and a half is a wonderful, funny, considerate man. (We live together, have lots of mutual friends and interests, and generally get along great.) However, I'm concerned that he has a very different kind of personality with his "guy friends," in particular a few that I have never met. Some of these men are old friends from his college fraternity, others are from his early bachelor days, and nearly all of them are sexist, cheating, womanizing guys (from my boyfriend's own admissions!). My boy has also admitted to lots of philandering and cheating in his past relationships. However, he has always been good to me, and faithful (as far as I know).

My problem is that, because of this history and because he keeps in moderate touch with these men, I have a hard time trusting my boyfriend. I have stumbled upon a few emails in which he joins in some jeering conversation about his friend who "hit that the other night" or "scored" or cheated on his current flame. I even saw that my boyfriend once sent his friend a photo of his own ex-girlfriend, with the message "She was so hot. You wish you could get that."

I know that my boyfriend is committed to me, and it sounds like he is just playing along with old friends. Still, I find these interactions creepy. Even though they aren't about me, I keep wondering if and when they will start affecting my current relationship with this (so far!) wonderful person. Am I paranoid? Should I just base my relationship ONLY what's going on with us, or is it natural to worry about how he acts with other people? Knowing this about him is bothering me and has, so far, kept me from fully being able to trust him.

Thanks for your help! (link)
I'm with you. It's creepy. You don't say how old the two of you are, but his behavior is pretty juvenile. This is the type of behavior I'd expect to see from a 19 yr old. If he's 18-21, maybe 22-23, then it's the way some young men prove their masculinity to their friends and themselves. If he's older, then he's very immature. Some men never get past this point. They live in it all their lives.
Some women put up with it. I for one, could not.

I have ALOT of books. a ridiculous amount. my room has books on a shelf, my comp desk, my stand and under my bed.

i know things 'eat' books so i need to know something that will either prevent this or kill the bugs.

PS: not sure if they are bugs or not. all i know, sometimes i leave a book somewhere for weeks and then i come back and the tops of the pages look like something's been nibbling on it.

any help? solutions, etc? (link)
Sounds more like mice. Do you see droppings? Better check.

I feel as though there's something wrong with me. I'm constantly hung over the fact that people are similar to me in the sense that they have feelings like I do, and that they're able to see the world like how I'm able to see it. It's difficult to explain. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm just in awe over that fact that the world isn't all about me. I've been hung over thinking about this for more than a year now. Has anyone felt this way before? This can't be normal, is it? (link)
You sound like you're young and starting to have a mature outlook on life and the world around you. If you think about it, young children do have the view that the world revolves around them. That's because it does! They don't have any other frame of reference but themselves because they haven't lived long enough and haven't been out in the world. Once we grow and are exposed to more people and situations, the more we see that it's a big world filled with people just like us, who, for the most part, think as we do and behave as we do.

You're normal. The only way you would not be normal is if you are 35 and just finding this out. That would be extreme immaturity.

Even if I am warm in the winter time my hands (fingers moreso) stay cold. I have to sit on my hands or always be wearing gloves because they get so cold. I am healthy and eat well. I also exercise daily. My mom has the same problem only her fingers turn blue sometimes! Are there any exercises or medications that I can take to help this? What causes this sort of problem? Should I see a doctor about it? What do I tell them then? (link)
You probably have poor circulation. Maybe low blood pressure? I have the same problem and there isn't much I have been able to do about it. You probably won't have cold hands and feet when you are moving around enough to get the blood flowing, but the minute you stop, you'll be cold again. The answer is probably gloves and hand warming packets that you put in your gloves and shoes. There are also electric boot warmers which work very well, but they are expensive.

I have never talked with a doctor about my circulation problems, but I would recommend that you do. He may have medication that he could give you to solve the problem.

I read recently that Obama won the Nobel Peace Prize. Well, why was President Obama awarded the Nobel Peace Prize anyway? I understand that it's a very big reward to earn the Nobel Peace Prize but I cannot figure out why they felt Obama deserved it. I mean, he hasn't been in office very long and hasn't really contributed anything to our country yet. We're in a very bad economic state even and we still have a lot of our men overseas. I'm not saying that President Obama doesn't deserve the award though--I'm saying I don't know WHY he earned it. Why did he receive the Nobel Peace Prize? I can't recall anything he's done yet that has been so great to deserve such a thing... (link)
That is the million dollar question that many are asking. Those awarding him the prize said they gave it to him in hopes of what he will do in the future. That's like awarding the Oscar to an actor in hopes that he will make a great picture somewhere down the road. It's politics, as usual, and cheapens the award. I'm afraid the Peace Prize will never be viewed with the same amount of respect as it did before.

hello my name is john and im tired of working for minimum wage i need to do something i think i just found out what i want to do. see the thing is that i work for pizza hut for like about 3 years and we get county health inspectors come all the time i like the way people jump up and emmidiately start working and labeling things but anyways ya thats what i want to be a health inspector but i dont know what i need to do or who to talk to or for how long do i need to go to school for or do i even have to go to school so if somebody can help me i would appreciate it thank you. (link)
You need to take a civil service test to qualify for the position. From what I've heard, it's a good old boys club. In other words, you need connections.

I get that girls want jewelery and flowers, but what do I buy my boyfriend for his birthday??
Like a general outline of something...

What are his interests or hobbies? Golf, tennis, music? You need to think along those lines. I could tell you to buy him a tie, but that would go over like a lead balloon.

No one can tell you what to buy without knowing a bit more about him. I don't now where you live, but perhaps you could take him somewhere for his birthday instead of getting him a material gift. Perhaps a museum or a concert. Dinner and a movie?

As long as you put your heart in it, he'll love it.

hey im 18 and my boyfriend is 21. his ex girlfriend who he is still friends with invited him to her 21st birthday party. its of course going to be a drinking party and such. the only issue I have a problem with is 4 of his ex girlfriends are going to be there one who still has feelings for him. plus he would be spending the night there. 2 of his ex girlfriends have boyfriends so he assured me not to worry. he said he would only go if one of his guy friends went. but he really wants to go because he hasn't hung out with them in a while. I asked him kinda vise versa like if my ex boyfriends were going to a party and I was invited and going to spend the night type of thing. he kinda hesitated and didn't give me an answer. should I let him go I mean I don't want to control him I just find it kind of awkward. thanks for the advice I rate! (link)
1. How long have the two of you been together? Long enough to be known as an item?

2. Much to my surprise, you weren't invited as well.

3. Does the girl having the party know about you?

4. He should have insisted on bringing you when he got the invite so that sucks right off the bat.

5. This guy goes through girls like most people go through underwear. That raises eyebrows. He seems a little too popular to me.

6."...he said he would only go if one of his guy friends went". How about only going if you went.

Doesn't sound kosher to me. Tell him to go and have fun. Your going out with your ex, but not to worry. You won't be drinking that much.

read advice get advice make favorite read feedback advicenators

<<< Previous Advice Column
Next Advice Column >>>

eXTReMe Tracker