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I'm a 38 year old psychologist living in Nashville, Tennessee. Until shortly over a year ago, I hosted a radio/tv talk show. At the moment, I'm amid plans to start a new one called, " One Man's Opinion". It's a radio show FOR women, ABOUT men, BY a man.
Seeing that alot of issues are age-related, please state your age when posing a question.
E-mail: cmclinphd@hotmail.com
Gender: Male
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Occupation: Psychologist
Age: 38
Member Since: November 30, 2003
Answers: 349
Last Update: September 15, 2009
Visitors: 17623

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sooo ok dont judge me because im asking this. im completely normal, i just love my boyfriend so much. weve been dating for 2 years and he suffers from schitzophrenia and he refuses to take medication because he hates the way it makes him feel. i feel so horrible 4 him because he is in so much pain and its just getting so much worse. i know he doesnt want to live anymore. yesterday he asked me to kill him and at first i didnt think he was serious but we talked for a while and he said it was the only way or he would do it himself. i dont want him to go to hell for committing suicide so i told him i would kill him so id go to hell instead. i havnt decided if im going to kill myself yet because my boyfriend says he doesnt want me to do that. but i dont know if i could deal with the fact i killed the boy im in love with. but what happens if a 16 year old kills another 16 year old who asked her to do it? jail? death penalty? psychiatric center forever? im not crazy im just putting the one i love out of his misery because i cant stand him being in pain any longer. id rather be in pain for him. just wanna know what would happen. dont try to do all that talking out of it and stuff either. wont work. thanks (link)
Having an intricate knowledge of the world of schizophrenia, I can and do feel for not just your boyfriend, but for you, as well.
I know the "effects" of what he speaks. I have had several people tell me that they experience something similar and find it difficult to make it through a day. But, might I suggest that your boyfriend speaks with his doctor. he doesn't have to commit to take anything but simply voice his medicinal concerns to him/her. there very well may be alternatives that will ease the condition and not leave him so disturbed by the effects.
As for you. I think you already know that what he's asking you to do is not a viable option. That should not even be something to consider. You say you love him and I believe you. And true, should you find yourself in the position to end his "pain", consider what pain YOU will then experience as a result. Not only that... YOUR pain will be with you, wherever you go, for as long as you live. Is that a pain that he would ask you to endure? Could he possibly want you to carry that burden for the rest of your life? As ex-military, I KNOW what happens when you take a life. I know the changes that take place in the human soul, and it's not something I'd wish on anyone, let alone one as young as yourself. Take that love the two of you have, revel in how much is is, what it gives the two of you, and try to come up with a way to HOLD ON TO IT, BOTH of you. I'm sure at times, he may feel that death is his only viable option, but show him the light he brings you, and show him the joy you can bring to him, and see if you two can't come up with a way to continue experiencing that. I'm not going into the legal ramifications fo doing what you're contemplating, but, you know very well where it will land you, and it's not a pretty place, dear. not by any means. Put your heads together. it's not worth it...for either of you.


Okay so I told him about spending time together and he cried. Oh my gosh is that wierd or what? please help me!!! :) (link)
Ok, now I'm convinced more than ever he takes your sentiments as a sign of his being inadequate for some reason. I hate to tell you to continue to coddle him and hold his hand. In this case, that may actually cause ore damage to the cause than not. Try to find out what his big fear is, get him to realize that it's not necessary in the least, and maybe even tell him that his actions and insecurity could eventually drive you away, and that's not what you want. If he fails to come around, you may have to decide if it's something to which you can continue to subject yourself. Good luck....and I mean that sincerely. Let me know.


How do I explain to my boy friend I need my space some days? with out him freaking out I want to go hang out with the girls and I want to just stay at home with my kids with out the interuption of a man... (link)
I must say, you have done an excellent jobof expressing it to me. That leads me to believe that your eloquence is not the problem and lies somewhere within his insecurities. The good thing about insecurities is that they canoften be overcome. Try opening a conversation about what each of you feel you lack within the relationship. Add some sincere comments about yourself so that he doesn't feel as if he's being attacked. When it's his turn, listen to him carefully, and take the time to reassure him that what he feels is understandable, but not necessary. While talking about yourself, work in how you feel about needing your space, and he'll take the time to reassure you. Once the door is open, go in depth about it an tell him exactly what you've told me. You simply don't want to miss any time you may have for your one on one with your little ones and bond with them on a more personal level. Anything else I can add, feel free to write again. Good solitude ;)


I haven't asked for your opinion in awhile, but now I'm in a big mess. male/21

First, I can't seem to sleep next to anyone anymore. I have feelings for 2 of my best friends, Monica and Ashley, and when they fall asleep in my arms I get terrified and incredibly sad (they're the only ones who recently felt so comfortable they fell asleep on me, literally). It's I miss them because they're asleep and I want to get away at the same time. I'm comfortable as well as very nervous and self conscious. I'm in a state of panic and sleeping normally isn't an option for me. The panic is so bad tears were rolling down my face after Monica went home last time.

I thought it might be that I can't sleep without my mom under the same roof right now, but then I realized most of the time I fall asleep she's at work. I thought it might be because I can't sleep anywhere other than my house, but I felt that panic when Monica slept on me at my house. It might be because I have feelings for them, but now the thought of anyone falling asleep on me scares me. I don't really know what I'm afraid of. Do you have any ideas as to why I feel this way or how I can get over it?

My other problem is I like both of these girls and they're both two of my best friends. I was overwhelmed after both of them told me they liked me in the same day. I could see myself happy with both of them, but I think it unwise to date either.

Monica:

I came to her about my sleeping problem and how sad I've been getting via email. I told her it might be because I have feelings for her and I got a message saying she likes me too. Some quotes from the email:

"I told you, before I read this, that I had thought about dating you."

"But if we're being completely honest with each other, I don't know if I could ever date you. No, it has nothing to do with "feeling like you're my brother". The biggest and most important, which I have not admitted to ANYONE until this moment is that I am not over Danny. Not at all. I just decided yesterday that I'm finally letting go of my High School past. That was five years ago. Starting a relationship with you wouldn't be fair to you, nor would it be fair to me. That's why I told you not to get a crush on me. I don't even want to go there. I don't want you to get hurt. I don't want to get hurt. That didn't stop me from thinking about what it would have been like to kiss you last night."

She makes a lot of sense. So I can't date her, but I feel bad when I think about dating anyone else.


Ashley:

Ashley has a lot of problems. She isn't quite over her ex and allows herself to be used by him every so often. I recently started having feelings for her, but kept them inside because I knew it wasn't wise to start a relationship with her when she's co-dependant on someone else. She's in councelling for depression, cutting, etc.

A couple of days ago I told her she had weird taste in guys. She said, "I like you. Is that weird?" It was so out of the blue, I didn't have a response for it. Then she allowed herself to be used by her ex for sex again. I fought with her for awhile about it, but she decided to be with him anyway. I said some hurtful things because I was hurt by this, that may have drove her to it.

Just in the last two days:

Monica definitely has feelings for me. She posted a blog saying "I like you. I like you and I shouldnt. I don't want to date you but that doesn't stop me from liking you. If only life was simple. OH THAT'S RIGHT. IT NEVER IS." I also told her that I was trying to help Ashley with my problems, and it terrifies her because she thinks Ashley's crazy.

Last night, Ashley called me. She was talking to her ex's best friend and he's trying to get her to leave the guy too. Ashley told him other people care about her too and mentioned my name. He asked her why she didn't pursue me, and she said she can't just pursue me.

Later on in the conversation, she muttered something I couldn't hear. I asked her to repeat herself and she just muttered that it complicates things. She finally muttered again that the more she talks to me, the more she wonders what it would be like to date me.

I've been crazy about her for a couple of years now. I'm crazy about both of them, but I don't think it would be very wise to try to get involved with either. The only problem is right now I can't stop thinking about Ashley. I don't want to hurt either of them, so any thoughts as to what the best actions would be would be great. I've indirectly turned down Ashley twice while telling her I have feelings for her too. What if it's driving her back to her ex? (link)
First. let me assure you that nothing you do will "drive Ashley to her ex". That's all her doing and there are reasons beneath that she will have to confront in her attempts to move on, Honestly, it sounds like she 's not ready to. Maybe he's comfortable to her and that's what draws her back to him, repeatedly. Try asking her what it is she's addicted to with him. We all become addicted to certain aspects of a relationship and without knowing it, find ourselves unable to depart because of that addiction when the time presents itself. Maybe doing so will help her to see exactly what it is she feels she can only get from him, and hopefully, in time, that will aide in her moving on. As for your feelings while sleeping and before. I'd like to ask if there were any deaths/departures/separations in your life that may still weigh on you greatly. I can't get into all of that without having someinsight into your background, but it sounds on one hand like abandonment issues. It could also be that since you profess to care so much for the two of them, you know that choosing one will ultimately leave the other shattered. You could feel thge sadness knowing what you may feel to be inevitable. If you want, e mail me and we'll get into it some more when I get some much needed info. Until then, best of luck.


I'm married 13 years,35,burnt out,I have no life,no friends,I'm shy,I'm fat,but "such a pretty face"type,above average so I've been told.I dress up when I go out.I feel like a house keeper and nothing more.I am an island.I live for my kids.I hate my inlaws,they hate me.I'm also crazy about a married man.Hes a professional,around 40 years old.A few months ago he was making very intense eye contact,like 6 seconds in total silence.We have chemistry,I feel like I have known him all my life ,we get along great.I have never felt this with anyone before.I always catch him staring,he limits eye contact to 1-2 seconds now,BUT,the staring hasnt stopped,considering my self esteem is in the toilet,my first assumption is that he stares at my unbearable ugliness.Last time I saw him I actually caught him peeking around a corner,another time he was looking behind himself over his shoulder.He seems to always be looking at my face because,as soon as i move my eyes he looks away.I can see him out of the corner of my eye.His body language is always open,his pupils dont contract,or dilate,he is the shy quiet type,or at least around me he gets quiet,but friendly.His face is often blank when he looks at me,his eyebrows are almost always up, hands on hips facing me directly,there is lite physical contact.Am I mistaking friendliness for flirting.?Why does he keep staring.? Why did he stop the eye contact.?I want him to make a move.Am I fooling myself. Mabe I'm reading into something that doesnt exist.No morality lesson please,I already know that cheating is wrong,at this point I dont care.I'm not looking for permission to have an affair or to be told I'm looking for an escape.I'm going to have an affair whether its him or someone else.I'm not looking for an escape,I will stay for my kids.Advice would be appreciated.Thankyou (link)
Lol, taking the time and effort you have put into outlining the "kinesics" of the interaction, I think you already have the answer to your question. You know the intricacies of body language a bit more than the average. So, my question is, since you're not looking for an excuse to have an affair, or permission, and I believe you whole-heartedly on that, what exactly are you seeking here? I know you know what the b.l. means, and you know it's a bit more than simple, " Let's engage in idle chatter". Let's stop kidding ourselves, you know that not many are going to "stare" at what they deem to be "unbearably ugly", not even I. You know what's there, you know what he may be trying to intimate, and you know how you're going to act, or react ( if you haven't done so, already). The only thing to which I would take umbrage is your "staying for the children". But, I'm willing to bet the Pope's last dollar that if you are as well-versed on ever-lasting scars and impressions on children as you are the fine science of kinesics, then I need not go into depth with you on that. As I tell my children, " Do you", which simply means, stay true to yourself. With that having been said, be careful, think of the consequences of all involved, and "Do you".


I am 20 year old female with a 32 year old male long haul truck driver. Hes never home. He constantly goes on chat lines. BUt promised me he wouldn't, and won't tell me why he goes on them.Then i find transexual porno tapes in his truck. But he hates gay men and trannies and drag queens. HIs excueses are you turn me on so much that when your not here i have to do these things. But he don't treat me like i turn him on. I need advice, is he a cheater or a weird sex manic of some sorts? (link)
I wont go so far as to label someone "weird", but I will say that he exhibits abnormal sexual interests. I dont see anything wrong with your questioning his choice of sites on the web. You have a reason to wonder about his sexual activities both with and without you. If you are active in tyhe sexual arena with him, then anything that he does affects you. I wont say that he's cheating, but his reticence to take your concern seriously is enough for you to reconsider your role in the relationship.


I've always been a great admirer of your advice, and I thought you might be able to help me with a couple of problems. If not, then I'd at least like your thoughts on these situations.

I've had this crush on this girl for quite some time. It's gotten to the point where I'll buy stuff I don't really need, nor do I really want, just to talk to her. She always seems happy to see me and always gives me a big hug before I leave. The problem is I have no idea how old she is. I'm not the type of guy who judges people who date younger or older people, but it seems to worry my when I'm involved. I'm 20, what if she's only 15 or 16. She looks and kind of acts young, so I'm worried. What do you think the dating age limit should be for someone like myself?

The other problem. Earlier today, I saw scars and cuts on her rist. It doesn't look like something an accident would have caused. I know she can't really die from cuts on arm, but the scars aren't exactly good for her either. How should I go about asking her where they're from? Is it even my business to ask such a question? What if she obviously lies to me about the scars origins? Should I just drop it then or what?

What do you think? (link)
Oh, youre in quite a situation. Let me answer your first question first. Quite simply, if you're 20, then we are not allowed to make the "limits" on age. The law does that for us. You are viewed by the law as an adult, and if she's a minor, under 18 in most states, then the law would prohibit any type of intimate relationship between the two of you. I wonder if she works in a dept store or something of that nature. You state that you often buy things you dont need and Im wondering how that's applicable. if she does, simply ask, " I've been seeing you here for quite awhile, how long have you worked here". She may just tell you, " Since I was......" or give you the number of years. In most states, you have to be a certain age to work legally, and it may be quite easy to add the time she's been there to sixteen and that should be a good indicator.
As for the cuts. Its important that you realize that she COULD die from cuts on her wrist. That's a common misconception that people have now allowed to run rampant. I won't go into the specifics, but it IS possible. Make no mistake aboutn it. I can't comment on them, not having seen them, but I'll trust your judgement to know that they aren't "normal". Before you question her about them, you will have to earn her trust. I hate to tell you to be deceptive. But showing that you relate to what she MAY be feeling may be a big help. If nothing else, try and share some situation in which you found yourself depressed and felt that there was no hope. Maybe she will then take the cue and open up.
Good luck on everything. Please, if you have the opportunityand she IS a self mutilator. try to encourage her to seek professional assistance without sounding as if you're judgin her or "beating up" on her. DO write me again and let me know what happens. Thanks.


I'm a 17 y/o guy in highschool with a mad crush on this girl that I've known since middle school. In middle school, she tried to hook up with me in an indirect way with obvious hints but then I didn't have any idea what to do so we stayed friends. I guess I was still in that cootie phase of puberty. But now I'm a junior in highschool and recently she's been on my mind alot like crazy. There's something about her that keeps my head stuck on her all the time, other girls might catch my attention but damn she got something special. There are a few guys that are trying to hook up with her but I heard from word of mouf that she likes me. Now that I've given you the intel on my situation, I was wondering what would you do to get the girl or to improve the chances of hooking up with her? I'd be real grateful if you can help me out. (link)
It doesnt appear that you would have to do much of anything to accomplish either of those tasks. Your chances couldnt be much more improved if she already has an interest in you. If she expresses that interest, coupled with the fact that she is spurning advancements from others, then what more do you need?
But the question was,'What would I do', correct? Well, having the intel that you so elouquently provided, I take the confidence that came with that, approach her and politley ask her out for something small, say, a movie or something that she really likes to do. I think the rest of it would fall into play from there.
Good luck, cassanova. Sounds like you dont need it ;)


my "best friend" recently embarrassed me adn told the guy that i had a crush on everthing i had said about him..(little things he tells me etc) she made me seem like i was obsessed with him..im very angry bc i would never do that to her..and plus she doesnt have the courage to tell me what she did behind my back (i had to find out from someone else)i would never do that to her, bc i had always considered her my best friend, but i guess wer not, she only did that so that the guy wouldnt like me anymore(yeah i know she sounds like a horrible friend) im still in shock, and i even called her to see if she was gonna tell me anything, but she didnt bring up the topic and pretended everythign was the same. i dont know what to do, im really embarrassed about facing the guy, and i never really wanna see her again! i know im gonna be the bigger person and treat her with kindness but i know that if i confront her she would deny it and make a big deal out of it, i just wanna stay out of drama and not get involved..i dont know what to do?? (link)
well, since you have decided that you're not going to confront her, then it appears that all you can do is learn from the situation. I commend you on being the bigger of the two, and I am very impressed at your maturity in wanting to continue your friendship. The thing now is, changing the way you interract with her, by holding back some of the more intimate and personal details of your relationships, and manage to not make her feel that anything is wrong. THAT is going to be the biggest feat, but with your maturity, I have no doubt you can get it done. If it will help any, keep in mind that the reason she probably did this is because she is envious of you and him, and not having what she sees in you, feels that she will do what is necessary to take it from you. She could also feel that when you started to take interest in this guy, you unknowingly started to neglect her and your relationship. Feeling no other option to get her friend back, she sabotages your relationship. In any rate, she took such an action out of her admiration for you. Nope, it doesn't make it any better, but hey, it gives you something to smile about when you let the anger creep in.
Now, as for him. When he was told, what kind of reaction did he have? Was he too, upset? Did he feel betrayed? Did you say anything negative? Whatever the case, I strongly suggest that you approach him, at a time when he may be most receptive, and kindly, and sincerely explian to him what happened, AND tell him how you feel about having done so. I think he may just be mature enough to overlook it. Let me know.


I am seeing a new man, (Goerge) He is Latino . I am Black and Latino.
I am not sure if he and I are understanding each other at all? Or if I am reading him correctly? Honestly I am very, very confused.
He is manly and a hard worker,The sex is pretty great. I like him! but, I am not sure what message he is trying to get across to me? I have a few theories but I will ask you for your advice and see what you think about it?
First let's just start off by saying that I am a Black/Latino woman who loves Rock metallica.
I also love Alot of R&B. However I have a 3 year old daughter, and I tend to notice that videos which are hip hop tend to show case scantily clothed woman, and I don't feel are a good example for my daughter. So she is not allowed to watch much TV and no videos< instead I have her reading and just being a kid.
Also, I am very active in Both my communities, Black and Latino, I consider myself to be very proud of my ancestory. Although I don't speak Spanish, I study alot about the Spanish Puerto Rican Culture as a whole.
Furthermore,I am an artistic person. And I love art in general.All types of music and the such.
Basically I told Goerge that I love Rock, Alternative and Metallica, I also used to live on the West Coast, however I NOW live in the North East I don't like the North East as much, especially where I live now. BUt I have no choice right now to move.
Also,basically I am a Sci fi Vampire film fan, and that is the type of music I enjoy listening too as well. Well, Goerge constantly calls me a "white Girl" He says I am a "sell out" Simply because I don't like the east coast as much as the West Coast, I think this is very childish for him to think like this? I was born in NY City. And I never liked it there when I lived there in NY, and somehow, I ended up enjoying the West Coast alot more. I'll admit, that I often call myself a "WEST coaster", because I lived there a long time, and well somehow Goerge believes that I am ashamed of the fact that I was born in NY? Which I am not?!!!But I refuse to justify my beliefs and my tastes. It's simple, I just never like NY as much as the West Coast.
Even on matters which we may be joking around about, I tried being a good sport so to speak, about the "white Girl" Comments,and even going along with some of his insensitive comments..
Over all he comes off as a very close minded insecure person? Yet I am not sure if his complaints come from his heart? Or is he simply trying to piss me off? so that I will break it off with him? That way he does not have to do the dirty work of breaking it off with me?
Anyway< He always takes my every response or retalitory remark, as an insult to HIM personally!? lately more than before now? He acts totally hypocritical, and even when he realizes that I am striking back with similiar derogatory remarks. It's becoming a competition now, And it's childish. I feel like am starting to act as childish as he is!!
When we first met, I told him all about my interests. We are both grown people in our early 30's and I thought he would be an open minded person, like myself. When I first met him, He acted like he was an open minded person?, 3 weeks later now, and Lately all he does is complain about all my little so called flaws? and (HE claims) my so called "lack of interest in being a Puerto Rican?" I don't have a lack of interest with my culture, That was an absurd statement for him to make! in fact,I love my culture! But I don't feel I have to stay in a little box? I feel that I have the right to explore, other concepts and cultures as well.I try to explain to him, that I was not raised by the Puerto Rican side of my family, I never had a Puerto Rican lifestyle. But that does not mean that I don't have an interest in my cultures.
I'd also like to mention that (Goerge) He claims, that I am looking at other men all the time, when we are driving together. (Which I am NOT!!) I'm sick of the untruthful accusations. If I even move my eyes around to politely notice someone in my view, Goerge claims I am looking at some dude? and so called "disrespecting" him?
Then he will spit out ruthless comments about how I am not raising or discipling my daughter the right way. Even though she is a pretty typical 3 year old. He just comes off with this over all superiority attitude towards me? I am sure I have made mistakes with my daughter, I am not perfect but I try my best!, I am a single parent. Goerge only gets his son on the weekends, so he never really raised his son full time like I've raised my daughter.
He has a 10 year old son who is spoiled, does not clean up after himself, doesnt say please, thankyou or excuse me? And Goerge never corrects his son? YEt, he believes he has a right to comment about some common 3 year old misbehavior on my daughter part? I never say anything about his spoiled 10 year old, who watches sexy videos and goes to bed when he wants to, everynight?
He doesnt discipline his OWN son!!!, yet I never comment on it? His son is just plain anti sociable and rude, and lazy to boot.
Furthermore (goerge) He never had a problem with the fact that I rarely listen to Salsa music, he also knew that I didnt speak Spanish all that well.Yet he still pursued me for his girlfriend.
I have taken plenty of Spanish, but i still don't speak it fluently. However I am learning by listening to his family.
He can be pretty judgemental to my face. Just commenting about stuff he has no real right to comment about? He acts like my daughter is supposed to be perfect? It really annoys me.
Cause his son is so rude and immature for his age.
I am not sure what to do, because the flip side of this whole ordeal is that he can be so sweet, and loving and concerned. He is generous, and DOES manage to treat me like a complete lady.
He is employed, responsible.
He is not the most informed,educated parent, although he is a very GOOD Dad.
I don't want to marry him, or even think about long term. But I find myself still drawn to him, And wanting to be with him.
I don't know what to do? And it's just bothering me.
Can you help?
Do SOME guys act like this, when they are trying to dump a girl? meaning: Complain? And if so, Why can't some men be more direct like alot of us women are? We just say "it's over" and move on.
I didnt want to break it off with him? But if this continues I will feel like I have to? I'm sort of emotionally into him because we have been intimate alot. He says I am the only woman in his eyes, then he contradicts his words with his poor actions.
Does he really want me to get pissed off and break up with him?
IS this what Goerge REALLY wants?
Thanks for any help you can give to me.
Uncanny

(link)
My God! To be real, querida, what's it going to take? Does he have to hit you over the head with a load of bricks to get you to realize exactly what he's doing and who he is. You say he's concerned, loving and so forth. I, and I'm sure on some deeper level you'd care not look at, you know better. He's mean, arrgant, patronizing and EXTREMELY insecure. he doesn't like himself so he wonders how could anyone else like him. Not wanting to correct whet HE sees in himself, he makes himself feel better by making you feel worse. I understand your east/west sentiment. New York is not for everyone, and apparently, it's not for you. Does that mean you'll burn in hell for all eternity? No, it means that you have a different slant on things, THATS ALL. And you know what? He knows that, too. As for you selling out, being ashamed, and the myriad of other things he says "jokingly", he wants you to be who he wants, not who you want, and Im sorry, no one is that important. You say you're emotionally into him because youve been intimate alot. That's weak and I know you know it. Youre afraid to be alone. For however long it may take, it's easier and more comfortable to stay with who you're with, that to go out, meet someone, learn them, their likes, dislikes, and have them learn yours, and go through the entire dance again, and thats the bottom line. I think you're a verty sweet young lady. Youd have to be to try and justify that which he has done, but I know you know what you need to do. You're just looking for someone else to tell you that it's ok. If thats the case, I'm saying it. Run.....and run fast. "George" is interested in nothing he cant control, and he's getting very close to having you in that position. For your daughter, dont do it. Get away, find someone who truly deserves you. He's out there, trust me. Best wishes, hon.


I looked through the advicenators web sight for someone more my age (35) to help with my situation. Luckily I found you!

I have a wonderful husband, I know he loves me. Everyone tells me the wonderful things he says about me. I know he’s faithful. Some people say, how can you know for sure? Because I do. He takes me everywhere with him and emails me constantly when we are apart.

I only have one complaint about him. He is very unaffectionate. He will hug and kiss me, but only if I initiate the touching. Sometimes when I hug him, he just stands there like, “Are you finished yet?” Our sex life is inconsistent at best (this has been going on for 5 years, we’ve been together 10). The last time we had sex was sometime in May. In the past, when I have tried to discuss this, he says, “Why do we have to talk about this, you’re just making me feel worse about us not having sex and that just pushes me farther away.”

I have learned to live without the sex. I’m OK that he is not able to perform, but I am absolutely STARVED for “some kind” of affection. I can’t talk to him about it, I can tell that he is very uncomfortable. I know I can’t change him. I hate to admit this, but if someone came along and could give me affection… I wonder what I would do… My husband has even made jokes about how I should go find someone who can do “that” with me. He says he would totally understand (Which I don’t believe) because he knows that I am starved for affection. So my question is: How can I live with someone so unaffectionate? Is there anything that I can say to him that will help? Should I just ride this out and see if he changes on his own? This problem seems so petty compared to others I have read on this sight, but that doesn't make it any less real.
(link)
Oh how I understand. This "problem" is not as uncommon as you may think. I don't know the level of uncomfort your husband feels when you attempt to discuss the subject, but I know it must be heavy for him to start "joking" about your finding someone else. As Shakespeare said, " Many a truth is said in jest". It sounds as if your husband has already accepted the fact that sex will not be a major factor in your relationship. His joking is another uncomfortable way for him to say, " Hey, I know this is a problem for you, what do you think about this as a solution", giving you "permission" if you will. If you really want to talk to him, start the conversation at a time when it's most relaxing for the two of you, when he will be more receptive. Tell him that you know how uncomfortable it makes him, but not discussing makes you just as uncomfortable, and if he is willing to compromise, then, if you two can talk it through until youre satisfied, one way or the other, then you will never mention it again. He may let out that long, exasperated sigh that we men do when we think we're about to be ambushed, but I think he'll go along. I'm sorry I cant answer this in as much detail as I'd like, but every situation is different and I don't feel that a public forum is the best place for me to express my undiluted thoughts. If you wish, e mail me at my address cmclinphd@hotmail.com and I will answer more thoroughly.


umm when u shave *down there* lol yah do u shave all of it or what..what r u suppose to do?? (link)
Shaving pubic hair is a truly personal thing. Some people feel the need to shave it all. And some I've met have shaved little designs in it. Whatever suits your fancy is up to you.


about a week ago i was talking to this guy on the internet and he was asking me who i liked and i was like idk who do you like and he gave me all these clues that lead up to me then told me that it was me and then i told him that i like him. he is cute and makes me laugh (which i like) but on monday he went on this trip and my best friends bf waS there to. so of course they talked on the phone everynight then one day she told me that while they were talking he asked for my phone # but he hasn't called me yet, should i call him or just forget about him??? im am really confused (14) (link)
Give him time. Guys are funny at that age, and he's probably just trying to get up the nerve to call. After he's finished rehearsing what he's going to say about a billion times, he'll call.


I'm a 17 yr old female, and I and my boyfriend of a year and 3 months just ended our relationship about a week ago. It was mutual because we both were fighting a lot over petty things and not acting quite like bf and gf, but more like good friends. Part of this is my fault... I guess maybe a couple month or so ago I started to get this crush on another guy about my age, and I didnt know what to do. Things between me and my boyfriend had been slipping a little bit even then but I still care a lot about him.

Although he said it was mutual hes said he misses me and I think given the chance I think hed want to get back together. I still care about him a lot and I don't want to hurt his feelings. but I and my crush are both interested in each other and I dont know whether we should hook up or even hang out together bc I dont want to hurt my ex. I I realize its too soon now to do anything but how long should I wait and how can I stay friends with him if I decide I want to be with my crush? And would me doing this block out any chances of my ex and I getting back together in the distant future? (link)
Hmmm, seems like you want to have the cake and eat it, too. I know, I've been there. You wonder if it will hurt your chances in the future of getting back with your ex. I can't answer that. I don't know him or how he will respond. Don't you see, that by wondering that, you have already determined that your feelings for your "crush" aren't real enough to last? You have already seen yourself with him, for instant gratification, and you also see yourself moving on. But that way, you can get the best of both worlds. You get to experience the "crush" because you're no longer with the ex, but, you'll still be able to go back to your "ex" after it's all over. You say you don't want to hook up with your crush because it would hurt your ex. Don't you think the fact that youre already interested in someone else is hurtful to him? So, ask yourself, whats the REAL reason. If you answer that, and still feel that it's a REAL attraction for the "crush", then I'd say go for it. Remember, there was a reason you and your ex are no longer together, and those don't just go away because the relationship no longer exists. If you realize that your attraction to your crush is not what you thought it was. Mainly because of the feelings for your ex, then that should tell you something. It's not an easy place to be in, and I feel for what you must be going through. But, with honesty to yourself, I know it will be alot clearer than you thought it could be.


There is this boy... lets call him Andy! I really like Andy... but how can I tell him again? I went out with him before because he liked me... but that was only for a day! He has a girlfriend that is like really nice to me and I dont want to break them up... And I dont want his girlfriend to get mad at me and not want to talk to me ever again! I know they love eachother because on their shirts his girlfriend wrote I love Andy and Andy wrote I love (his girlfriend) Just because i am afraid to talk to him does that mean i dont like him? Whenever i talk to him i talk all like flirty but i dont know if we have anything. I really dont want to break him and his girlfriend up but IIIIIII really like him.... I think.... :(....... AHH HELP!!!! (link)
Lol, yes, my dear....you do like him. But the problem is not how do you tell him. The problem is, how do you learn to live with not being able to tell him. You say that he's in a relationship at the moment. From your description,it also sounds as if it's going well. Further, you let on that you care a great deal about both parties, you don't want the friend to not like you, and you don't want to break them up. So, why again is it that you want to tell him that you still like him? I think you already knew the answer to this before you asked. I know it's hard, but the best thing you can do right now is be a good friend to them , and if something should happen outside of your control and they DO break up, then you can tell him, when the time is right. Your fear of talking to him doesn't mean you don't like him, in fact it means just the opposite.. you like him a lot. And you know what's going on in your mind and heart, and don't really trust yourself around him. You'll be ok. I'm sure of it.


I have been dating this guy for some time now and I have caught him lying to me several times already. Lying about stupid things like who he has talked to and just little things that build up. I love this guy with all of my heart but all the signs are there that he is cheating on me and that scares me to death. We were so close for so long and now we really just aren't. I don't want to loose him, but I can't have him lying to me all the time. No he has been doing things, hanging out wise, with all of these different girls and he doesn't tell me about it until one of them call or I find out by him telling a friend or something that retarded. Is he cheating on me? (link)
There's an old idea that many people of varied wisdom like to follow, including me. It goes, "If you have reason enough to believe that he/she may be cheating on you, then he/she probably is". Regardless of that, I think the lying alone is more than enough to step away from the relationship. It not only shows his disrespect for your intelligence, but it also stops any base of trust from being established, and without that, you have nothing, anyway.


i havnt seen my boyfriend in two monthes. he just ask me out about 3 weeks ago. im planning on seeing him this weekend. i'm not excatly sure how he is though. like, what kind of girl he likes, i met him at a birthday party. he likes being chased around and stuff so thats a good way to flirt. but i dont know weather to wear like, a lowcut shirt or look all goody 2 shoes. im not asking him cuz that might be a wierd question. i got the pants picked out. they are a navy green color so grass stains wont look as bad. and he hasnt had his first kiss yet. i want that to be me but i dont wanna like just kiss him cuz it might be important to him who his first kiss is and all that stuff. i dont really know what the main question of this is but whatever you can give advice on will help. please and thank you! bye!

signed,
lovin-him (link)
Call him and tell him that you're not really sure what the two of you will be doing and you want to make sure that you dress appropriately. Then ask him what HE thinks would be best to wear. That way, the question's not weird, and believe me, he will put a little of his own like in the answer, as well. Good luck. Enjoy the date.


I've never used an advice forum b4 but i guess i'll give you an over view of my situation first. I've been with my boyfriend for about 18months, he moved in to my house about 4 months ago, which was his suggestion. Everything was pretty good for a month or so but then we started to notice certain bits about each other, which is obviously going to happen. Silly little things like how we cleaned a room or when the washing up was done...silly little things. I, at the time, was going through a bit of a rough patch with my job, quite stressful and wasn't super happy or bubbly. My other half started to moan that I frowned too much or that i left the room in a mess etc but after doing a 12hour day i was tired and wanted to chill out. He works away on weekends so every weekend i did a full clean of the whole house, but this isn't the way he'd likes it doing. he is very particular about the way he likes things to be done and i'm trying to adapt to these ways but i know, he doesn't, that this isnt going to happen overnight.He's never been in a serious relationship b4 and seems to get very impatient when our relationship doesn't seem to be getting anywhere (where he wants it to go i'm not sure as he doesn't agree with marriage or kids and we're already living together) he's very good at pointing out my faults but can't take me pointing out any of his, he says he won't change for anyone and doesn't believe in comprimise. We're getting to the stage where we either do something about the situation we're in or we spilt up. I really don't want this to happen but I'm running out of ideas on what to do. He's got himself in a negative frame of mind and i don't know how to get him out of it. Please help?
Ps. I'm female and 22, hes 26 and obviously a guy! (link)
The one thing I'm sorry to hear is that he's not open to compromise. That alone will be the one determining factor in whether you stay together or not. You say it was HIS idea ot move in with you. When you catch him in a semi-pleasant mood, sit down with him and explain to him that although you know that there is a certain way that he like things to be done, remind him that he did come into your space and having done so, has to be open to the fact that things are not going to be as he'd like them to. Tell him that you care enough about him to try and do SOME things his way, but that overall, the house and living conditions have to be pleasant for ALL involved. Explain to him your fear about the impending dissolution of the relationship if things don't change and tell him that's not what you want. That doesn't sound as if you're giving him an ultimatum. If things still don't change and he's not open to compromise, then you'll have to leave.


Well see this one day i ahd my friend call my boyfriend up (i know not the best idea) and i had her ask him this one question on a scale from 1-10 1 being you hate her and 10 being you love her and he rated me a five thats like he thinks im ok well i donno if i should dump him or not i mean we have only been dating like 2 weeks and gone out on one date but only in a group of friends should i give him time or push him away?


Lots Of LOve,
Very Confused Girl (link)
Well, I see it like this. You're not happy with being rated a mere five, but if he "loved you" after only two weeks, then I'd say he was a liar, or someone with a serious emotional problem. take the five, give it, him and yourself time and see what develops.


A guy I know asked me out a week ago, and I refused, nicely. I thought it was all over... Until his younger sister came up to me, and asked if it was true that I'm dating her brother. I told her that I wasn't, and I that I like someone else. She said that her brother told a bunch of people that we're dating! I didn't beleive it at first, but by the end of that day, 5 other people asked if it was true! He's spreading all these false lies about me, saying that we went to the movies & made out... Well, here's the scoop: I went to the movies, but not with him. I saw him there, and he sat behind me. I touched his arm when I was walking outta the theater, I never kissed him, let alone make out with him! What should I do? (link)
Tell him that if he doesn't stop, that you will not only ADMIT to you guys making out ( even though I know you didn't ) but you'll tell all of the girls how HORRIBLE he is at it. I'm sure he'll stop after that.




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