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I'm a 38 year old psychologist living in Nashville, Tennessee. Until shortly over a year ago, I hosted a radio/tv talk show. At the moment, I'm amid plans to start a new one called, " One Man's Opinion". It's a radio show FOR women, ABOUT men, BY a man.
Seeing that alot of issues are age-related, please state your age when posing a question.
Gender: Male
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Occupation: Psychologist
Age: 38
Member Since: November 30, 2003
Answers: 349
Last Update: September 15, 2009
Visitors: 18231

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My oldest daughter's biological father lives in a different country and we haven't spoken to each other since I was 19. I am now 30 years old. I let my daughter use my maiden name in her birth certificate but have indicated there who her real dad is. I've been married for 8 years now and my husband has been great to my oldest daughter. My dilema right now is should my husband legaly adopt my daughter so she could have his last name. My daughter sometimes says she is the only one in the family that has a different last name and that she doesn't look like her brother and sister. She already knows that her father is different from her brother and sister and I told her that it is not important that she uses a different name but what's important is how much her dad and her siblings loves her very much. I just wanted to get opinion if it would matter if she changes her last name or not. (link)
Actually, it's not up to anyone whether she changes her name or not but her. She, is the one that feels the need to have the name for one reason or another. And the importance of doing so is only known to her. She's already expressed her feelings on being the only one to have a different last name and apparently, that makes a difference to her. Talk to her about what she feels as a result and if she still feels that it's something that she'd like to do and it can be accomodated, why not?

Hey OneMan,
It's Confused. Remember I asked you A question about asking guys out and you said it would be fine. Well, yesterday I went up to him to ask him out and well, He ask me out! I felt so wierd going up to him just to ask him out and here he is asking me out. I felt so releaved. I said yes immediatly. So tonight we're going dancing. But my friends say I shouldn't date him. They won't say why but I think it's beecause they think he's a nerd. I don't care though. He's funny, smart(honnors student), easy to talk to, and cute. I have to tell you the first thimg I noticed about him was his eyes. They're so full of truth. I don't think he could lie if he wanted to. In class yesterday The guys were playing around and throwing paper wods at each other and the teacher came in and caught them and he was the only one that confessed. Well I thought I would just let you know how your advice went(GREAT!!!).

Confused (link)
FANTASTIC! I'm happy for you. Actually, I'm not surprised at all. I bet that while you tried to gather the nerve to ask him out, he was doing the same. I guess it just so happens that he beat you to the punch. As for you friends, it doesn't matter. If you like him ( and obviously you do ), then that's all that matters. Once again, I'm happy for you. Congrats. Anytime I can help, let me know.

thanks alot, by one persons advice i can see more cleary, I always used ot say. . Im me and nothigns gonna chnage it. Now i will keep saying it. .because im gonna be gothic if she lieks it or not and she can have her damn neckless back! Im gunna find somweone whor espects me for me and shes just gunna have to deal with that! (link)
Fantastic!!! I'm glad for you. I know exactly how you feel. I, too, have been part of a lifestyle not understood by the masses. Stick with it. You'll be happier. Glad to help. Anytime. Necrinomicon!

I'm not very popular at school and kids pick on me. I don't really know why they do it, it's been that way since 1st grade. I'm in 8th grade now and I'm sick of it. I don't know what I did to deserve this. They hurt me emotionally and physically, should I stand up to them?
Respond please, I'm desperate,
Hurt and confused (link)
I know you're going to get alot of answers saying things like, " What they say/do doesn't matter" and blah, blah, blah. That's true...when you're old enough to know who you are. But the truth is, in the 8th grade...IT DOES MATTER and yes, it hurts. Cool comebacks, and witty responses won't help, I'm sorry. If anything, thatv will make them call you a nerd and pick on you even more. What I would suggest is to simply agree with everything they say about you. That takes all of the fun out of talking about you and picking with you and then it becomes boring. Eventually, they move on to someone else. Hey, it's not you. As for the physical. I'm not going to condone violence, but I AM going to suggest you stick up for yourself. They only do that to feel superior in some way, for their own insecurities. Picking on you makes them feel good about themselves. Once you stand up to them, they losethat ability and that feeling of superiority and once's no longer "fun" for them. There's no "reward" in it. Please.....drop me a line later and let me know how things are going. Good luck.

My friend asked me if I was goth, I didnt know what to tell her. . I mean goths dont usually go right out and yell IM GOTH! But she asked and I always tell the truth, I said ya. She said ew ur weird. . . She asked me this online, she hasnt seen me for weeks. . and I have maracuously changed, not because this lifestyle has become popular, but because I found it deep down in my heart. She got mad at me and everything .. she gave me a necklas and now she wants it back, she said she'd call the cops if i did anything to it, which i didnt and anyways its mine she gave it to me, is being gothic worth it, i rlly ant to be and i like being this. . but should I give up our friendsship and go gothic, or forget gothic and be ehr frined, I think I should forget her, but please tell me if Im right! (link)
Well, I don't know if being Goth is worth it or not. That's for you to decide. but I will say this, any "friend" who calls you weird for following what you believe to be is best for you, is not a friend at all. A true friend may not agree, but would feel comfortable saying that, yet still support you in what you want to do. And by asking you to return the necklace, she's trying to "bully" you into her way of thinking. My advice, give the necklace back...big deal. Keep the black...lose the slack. Find someone who will accept you for who you are.

i think is is totally gross and disgusting to be a gay guy or a lesbian is it wrong to think that i dont think it is (link)
It's never wrong to have your own opinion. However, I think it IS wrong to label someone else "gross and disgusting" because of a particular lifestyle that they lead. What if people thought you were grotesque and disgusting because of something YOU liked and they didn't? So, no, it's not wrong to have your own opinion, but it's wrong to think less of others because they don't fit into your mental mode.

Ok, I'm only 16, and maybe I'm just being stupid. And maybe some of you will think I'm just bitter because I'm single. But, it's not that I'm bitter or jealous. I just don't understand why people my age so immature about relationships? I mean, they post everywhere on the internet about how "hot" their boyfriend/girlfriend's are. And it's like, if they're going to post something about them, then why not post about the things that REALLY matter? Like, for instance, how: funny, brilliant, and/or talented they are. I just don't get it. I mean, one day, they're going to be old and wrinkly, and def. not hot. But, they will be more funny, brilliant, and/or talented. And, I'm not saying a physical attraction isn't needed, because it is. But, why is it that most people are so pathetically consumed with the things that are the least important in relationships? Ahhhh. Some days, I wish I weren't 16. (link)
Because you are obviously ahead of your time :) Most people at that age dont have the depth to know what really mattersm and quite frankly, they dont care. At that age, relationships are usually formed because of the attention that the mate will bring them. Thats why they always say how "hot" he or she is. Not how intelligent. Noone is considered "cool" if their mates are intelligent, articulate etc. You, on the other hand, seem to be on the right track. Stick with that. And when everyone else catches up, it'll be you that they look up to.

A good girlfriend of mine from college killed herself on Saturday after a fight she had with her fiance. She was never the kind of girl I would have ever guess to do this sort of thing. So when she called me that night I wasn't in the mood to go party (my boyfriend and I had had a huge fight)I ignored her call and turned off my phone. She called me four times, that night. Monday morning she was found dead. The police called me Monday afternoon, it is thier policy to investigate each death to be sure it is a suicide. They said that my number was the last one on her phone as a listed call.

I am devistated. I cannot face anyone. I resent my boyfriend because of his picking a stupid fight. I feel as though I really screwed up. I was not their for her and she reached out to me.

But my question is why me? Her and I were good friends in college but we had lost touch since she had been engaged we talked maybe every couple of weeks and only briefly. We're always saying that we needed to make plans but it never happened. She was always close to her mom and I am sure she had better friends than me, I know her best firend lived far away. But Mellisa was the kind of girl who always had tons of friends. Why out of all the people she could have called would she call me? I am always going to carry around this responsible feeling and it really is bringing me down. I just feel so powerless.

Noone can say why she called you but her. She may have felt that you would understand what she may have been going through and that's what she was looking for. You could have also been the 5th or 15th person she called that night, we'll never know. I know you probably feel responsible. not for her death, but for "failing" to be there. That leaves you to think, " Maybe I could have done something. Maybe if.......she wouldn't be dead." I know the feeling and it's common. But, in my experience. If someone's going to commit suicide, they usually do. Others voice it, talk about it, bring it up, etc. so that someone can catch on and stop them. They don't really want to die. You said you never though she woud be the type. That tells me that she never brought it up, never mentioned it or even touched on the subject seriously enough to make you stop and wonder. So, that tells me, that there may not have been much that you could have done. She wanted to die. She probably saw that as her only out. It's not your fault. You couldn't, nor will you ever, be able to be "everything to everybody". I know your sadness. Experience it, move through it, and eventually, you'll move beyond it. What happend was a sad, sad tragedy, but sooooooooo not your responsibility. If you still want to talk about this further, just e mail me. I'll be more than happy to discuss it with you.

my parents got divorced a year ago and ever since my mom has always been trying to do stuff with me. My only free days of the week are wednesday and sunday..and now she wants to have dinner both those nights. I feel like everything I do with her is scheduled. What should I tell her to make it not feel like she had to make an effort to see me? (link)
I think your mother may be suffering from guilt. She may feel bad about the effects that she THINKS the divorce has had on you. As a result, she is probably trying ( too hard ) to show you that you're still AS important to her. As much as it gets on your nerves, I actually applaud your mother for that. Nevertheless, you're feeling smothered. Have you ever sat and discussed their divorce with her? Maybe you should sit down, tell her how you feel about it, and while you appreciate her wanting to spend so much time with you, tell her what you just stated. That everything feels "scheduled". Tell her that you'd LOVE to spend time with her, but you also like to have a little time that you can call your own.

OK, this is really hard to explain but when I was in 2nd grade, (6 years ago) My dad got into a car accident that wasn't his fault. Because of that, his back has never been the same, he wasn't able to do as much fun stuff with me and my siblings. When I was in 5th grade, (4 years ago) Dad's lawyer tryed to sue the guy in the truck that slammed into him. The guy in the trucks lawyers did some things that I don't like. They followed us around to try to find out if Dad was really hurt or not and they sent guys to watch our house with video cameras. Since I live out really deep in the woods, I would get dressed in my bedroom with the windows not shaded. It turns out they were watching me the whole time. It's been 3 years and I keep thinking that they messed up my life. And I feel guilty that my dad had to go through that. It was the first time I saw him cry. What should I do?
-Violated (link)
God, I'm so sorry. I imagine everyone is telling you that this is illegal. It SHOULD be, but unfortunately, it's not. Not in the manner that you described. Someone stated that it was an invasion of privacy. Although I'm sure you DO feel violated, the law states that if your windows are open, and provide a clear view without them having to physically MOVE anything to get the shot, then it's not against the law. It falls under what they call the " Plain View Doctrine". If they have to pull a curtain back, move blinds, pull a bush out of the way or anything like that, THEN it's against the law. Now, you said they were "watching" you the entire time. That may be sick, tacky, tasteless and unprofessional, but it's not against the law. If your windows were open, the courts will deem it a "public place". BUT if in addition to watching you, they actually TAPED/FILMED/PHOTOGRAPHED you, that's what the courts call "actionable". You were not the focus of their investigation and they had no right to tape you or preserve you or your likeness. If they did, you have to be slick enough to try and get a copy of it, and THEN get an attorney. Without proof, it's going to go nowhere.
It's not harrassment, because they had "legal reason" to follow your father. The fact that they were trying to affirm or deny the presence of fraud, they had the right to take the steps that they did. God, I know this sucks, and I really feel terrible for you and your father. But unless they actually photographed you, I'm sorry, they broke no laws. God bless you and your father.

okay. one of my best guy firends...yeah...i think im falling for him. ive been thinking about this for the past 3 months. we're really close and i really love spending time with him. my school's semi formal is coming up and id really REALLY like to ask him.
but i have some issues.
a) i dont want to ruin a quality friendship by throwing "love" into the mix
b) I dont know how to "ask" guys out. im just not really "into" the whole guy thing...WHTA THE HELL DO I DO????
c) how do i even know if he likes me? what are some hints that he would drop? because my friends are pretty sure that he feels the same way about me as i do about him. but im just not sure!!

HELP! (link)
Well, I don't think you necessarily ruin a friendship by asking him to a formal. I think it's obvious that you like spending time with him, and he, you. That alone makes it understandable that you would want him to accompany you and I think he'll see that.
As for asking him out. Just "casually" ask him how he feels about formals. Once he answers, he'll be all but oblligated to ask you why. That's your time. If you're not ready for him to know how you feel about him, give him the impression that it's only logical that he accompanys you. Something along the lines of," Well, ours is coming up and I'd really rather not go with someone that I might not enjoy. I want to go with someone that I KNOW I'll enjoy myself with. And , if you enjoy them, I was going to ask if you'd like to go with me". That way, you don't have to feel as if you're "asking" and it doesn't give much of an indication that it's a "date". See how the night goes and then maybe, you'll find the opportunity to let him know how you feel comfortably. Hell, he may even let you know. Your friends are probably right. They are on the outside looking in. I think they would be in a position to see some things you may be too close to see. Listen to them. If they think he feels the same...chances are he does. So, go......enjoy yourselves.....AND SEND ME PHOTOS :)

I think your advice to people is really good. I think you give some of the best advice there is. I don't think many people could relate to you. GOOD JOB!
~Elle~ (link)
Thank you, Elle. Even if they can't, it's good to know that not only do YOU relate, but it's nice to know that you appreciate it, as well. I can't tell you enough how much I appreciate your input.

Okay you answered a question of mine on January 15th the one about me liking this guy and you said that I already knew he liked me. Well, anyway now I know he likes me because he told my friend. Just Friday he asked if I wanted to set next to him in class. Should I ask him if he wants to go out sometime or should I wait and see if he asks me out?
Confused (link)
Well, if you feel comfortable enough with your relationship right now to ask him out, I'd say sure. It wouldn't hurt anything. He may want to take you out already and may not know how to ask you, so your asking him may just be the little push that he needs. There's nothing wrong with a young lady asking a man out. It doesn't make you less of a lady and doesn't make him less of a man. go for it. And when he accepts, let me know how it turns out. :)

well ive been doing this for about two or three weeks now and id like to get some peoples advice who have been doing the whole advice column longer than there anything i should change. should i be alittle less harsh maybe not speak my mind so much i dont kno i would love someone to critique me thank in advance -me (link)
Yes...just be yourself. When you start to temper what it is you wish to say, or cater to what you think others want to hear, then you're failing the people that ask you. Don't forget...they write to ask for YOUR opinion. Sometimes it calls for being harsh. Don't let that stop you or change what you feel. It's only your opinion, and if they don't like what you say then, they always have the option to simply not take your advice. But don't color who you are. Good luck.

my friend thinks it's funny that she's not doing her homework. Every time we try to talk to her, she doesn't listen. She's failing and i don't know wht to do. (link)
Do you know why she's chooses not to do it? Maybe she's having a little trouble with the assignments and is uncomfortable telling anyone for fear of how it may make her look. Quite often, people who have trouble with particular things resort to comedy to cover-up what they feel they lack. See if you can get her alone and talk to her about it. Explain to her why YOU feel so strongly about the steps she's taking. It may help a great for her to know that someone truly cares enough to discuss it with her. But take care not to try and alienate her. If she is having trouble with something, she may already feel a bit insecure about it. Anything that she may read as being an attack on her will only push her further away. Ask her if she is having a little trouble and if there's anything you can help her with and tell her that you would be more than happy to do so. You might even approach it as if YOU'RE having a little trouble with it and having her study with you may help YOU alot. Yes, she'll know what you're doing, but it will also make it easier for her to accept.

If he was crossing the street and a car was about to hit him....would you jump in front of the car, pushing him out of the way without thinking, or would you scream at the top of your lungs? If you answer the first, then yes...I would say you're in love.
Honestly though, noone can truly know if you're in love but you. From the sounds of it...I'd bet that you are.

greetings One Man..
most of all i would like to compliment U Sir on the valuable and so caring advice u have given to the people who have have been seeking Ur professional reading Ur answers to the so many different concerns people have, has helped me in so many ways..ty Sir, for taking Ur valuable time to help others in so many ways..

could U please advice me how to discipline myself not to miss the man i love so very much to an extend that the only thing on my mind is, how to make it possible to share every day of my existence with him?...(he do live in another state)

i wish U peace, happiness and love in Ur life Sir..GOD bless U and Ur' admirer of ur patience and knowledge of life
Thank you so much. It helps to know that the things I say do truly make a difference to some.
As for your question. I don't think I'd really want to stop thinking and feeling the way you do. To find yourself in that position is a gift. Aside from the two of you living in different states, it sounds as if you have an incredible relationship. A relationship that has you thinking of your loved one constantly, longing to be with him and even considering the rest of your days with him. a relationship.
How about this. Instead of seeing it as "occupying your mind", let each thought of him encourage you, knowing what it is that you have, and let those feelings drive you to do the things that someday WILL have you in each others lives forever.

I have a friend that moved to Richmond. He says it's a waste of my money to visit her because there is absolutely nothin to do there. Does anyone live in Richmond, Virginia that knows this is true? (link)
I was in the navy and stationed in Norfolk after I left California ( damnit ). I visited Richmond on a number of occasions. It all depends on what you like. Maybe your "friend" knows you well enough to make that statement. I however, found PLENTY to do.
Could there be any other reason he/she may not want you to come? I only say he/she because you stated that," HE says it's a waste of my time to visit HER". Lost me there.

ewwww.......I am constantly spitting out green mucus in a styrofoam cup as we speak...any thing that will get rid of it? Help! its so gross... (link)
The fact that it's green is indicative of an infection which calls for antibitotics.I don't know how much you weigh or if you have any known drug allergies, so this may vary. My suggestion would be the following:
Guaifenesin 250-500 mgs, p.o. ( either tablets or syrup ), bid x 4 days. If you have a family practitioner, ask him/her.

I'm about as butch as the next girl. I don't shave anything, I hate make up, I have a mean left hook, I don't take any crap on the street. My husband is a sweetheart, I found a rare gem in him, but his bull dyke best friend hates me. I have tried EVERYTHING to befriend her. I have tried ignoring her, I don't know what else to do. She HATES me. She tells total strangers what a seething bitch I am (well, I am) and she has tried to break us up many times. She has even threatened me with physical violence. I don't tell him who to be friends with or not, but she just won't let up. It's making him take a 2nd look at his friendship with her, and I'm afraid he's going to leave her behind. What can I do? I think she may be jealous of me. Does she want him, or me, or both of us. She has a history of sleeping with his other girlfriends, but I'm not bi. I'm letting him sort this one out for himself, but I feel kinda bad about it.
Violet (link)
Well Violet. First of all I really wonder if you're using the term" Bull Dyke " correctly. not that it matters, but, it helps for future reference. Nevertheless, I don't see any reason YOU should feel bad. Your husband's first commitment should be to you, not his friend. I'm glad you say that he's thinking of leaving her behind. That makes me feel alot better about your husband. SHE is being intrusive. SHE is being the abrasive. It sounds as if you have tried all within your power to accept her because she is your husband's friend, but to no avail. You've done your part. Let it go. The rest is up to him.

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