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I'm a 38 year old psychologist living in Nashville, Tennessee. Until shortly over a year ago, I hosted a radio/tv talk show. At the moment, I'm amid plans to start a new one called, " One Man's Opinion". It's a radio show FOR women, ABOUT men, BY a man.
Seeing that alot of issues are age-related, please state your age when posing a question.
Gender: Male
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Occupation: Psychologist
Age: 38
Member Since: November 30, 2003
Answers: 349
Last Update: September 15, 2009
Visitors: 18363

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Well see this one day i ahd my friend call my boyfriend up (i know not the best idea) and i had her ask him this one question on a scale from 1-10 1 being you hate her and 10 being you love her and he rated me a five thats like he thinks im ok well i donno if i should dump him or not i mean we have only been dating like 2 weeks and gone out on one date but only in a group of friends should i give him time or push him away?

Lots Of LOve,
Very Confused Girl (link)
Well, I see it like this. You're not happy with being rated a mere five, but if he "loved you" after only two weeks, then I'd say he was a liar, or someone with a serious emotional problem. take the five, give it, him and yourself time and see what develops.

I'm 14 year old girl. and I'm a little confused by stuff... at my school and with pretty much everyone I know it's not really a big deal to make out with someone you don't know or just met and I admit that I have. ALot of the time you can't really go out with anyone unless you give them a handjob or something. It seems sort of wrong to me, and it go me thinking about abunch of stuff.
When I was younger I thought that I wouldn't have sex until I was married and I realized that I don't care about that. Now I just don't know when is the right time to have sex.
Friends of mine have said that they are just going to get it over with at a party we're going to soon or that they'll do it when we enter high school next year.
I was just thinking. How do I know when the right time is for me? I don't care about losing it before I'm married or out of high school, I just want it to be right.
How do I keep myself from doing something stupid that I can't take back? (link)
You've answered your own question. You stated that " It seems sort of wrong" to you. If you have that idea or anything like it, then chances are good that it's not the right time.

A guy I know asked me out a week ago, and I refused, nicely. I thought it was all over... Until his younger sister came up to me, and asked if it was true that I'm dating her brother. I told her that I wasn't, and I that I like someone else. She said that her brother told a bunch of people that we're dating! I didn't beleive it at first, but by the end of that day, 5 other people asked if it was true! He's spreading all these false lies about me, saying that we went to the movies & made out... Well, here's the scoop: I went to the movies, but not with him. I saw him there, and he sat behind me. I touched his arm when I was walking outta the theater, I never kissed him, let alone make out with him! What should I do? (link)
Tell him that if he doesn't stop, that you will not only ADMIT to you guys making out ( even though I know you didn't ) but you'll tell all of the girls how HORRIBLE he is at it. I'm sure he'll stop after that.

thanks for the advice, i have spoken with my son about taking up a class as you explained the good reasons, and he is willing to, he got excited too to learn that he could defend himself if needs be. thankyou. i think the main reason he is afraid is that these boys are 17 and he is 9, but we`ll see how things go and ill drop you a line (link)
You're welcome. His enthusiasm excites me and I'm sure he'll do well as will you both. I look forward to your updates.

Whilst very drunk, i enlisted the services of a prostitute she started to give me a blow job but i changed my mind after it had entered her mouth twice, i did not cum. Is there any risk of me contracting aids? (link)
Although there's a general misconcpetion that one can't catch aids through oral sex, the sad fact is that you can. I would suggest that if you're that concerned about it, go and have yourself tested. Keep in mind, that depending on how much time has passed since your interaction, that you may have to subject yourself to further testing a few months later. Oh, by the way, don't let the fact that she was a prostitute throw you, you should find yourself being cautious with anyone with whom you are not reasonably familiar and trust.

my son is 9 and we live in quite a rough area, hes always enjoyed playing outside with his friends until some of the older boys started jumping out on him and grabbing hold of him as they knew how upset he`d get, i had a word with these boys and they appologised and said they didnt realise they were getting to him as they did. however they still did it for the buzz of it and he`s terrified to go outside the door now, he doesnt play football or anything he loved doing and i really feel for him as i can see hes down about it, what do you think i should do? (link)
have you considered entering your child into a karate class or something similar? The fear he feels stems from the fact that he's insecure about his ability to protect himself or his esteem which makes him believe that they have every reason, albeit wrong, to pick with him. e.g. " I'm too fat, I'm too nerdy, I'm too etc. etc., no WONDER they pick on me". I suggest the class because it will help in both without relegating him to having to feel that physical retaliation is the only solution. Karate will build his self esteem, as he takes confidence in his progress, thus himself, and also teach him that although he COULD handle himself physically, there are other options that are just as effective. Actually, I think they'll leave him alone once they find out he's involved in such a class, but in reality, if they don't, then he'll be able to defend himself ( and I bet he'll only have to do that once). talk it over with him and see what his take is on the idea. Drop me a line and let me know what course you both choose. Tell him that I'd be glad to converse with him via e mail if he has any problems or just simply wants to vent to someone other than "mom". No offense, but I'm less of threat to him :) The offer is extended to you, as well. If you don;t feel you want to post them in the forum for the public to read, simply e mail me and I'll respond.

My little sister will be 20 next month. She currently has no plans for school, and has been unemployeed for 5 months. She is just in a slump, she sleeps all day and has no motivation. My parents are at the end of their rope. They want her to do something, but they don't want to just kick her out onto the street. How can we get her motivated? (link)
If she's been unemployed for five months, then she DID have a job at one point. The fact that she "sleeps all day and has no motivation" COULD be indicative of something more serious. These could be symptoms of depression. Hmmmm, I've just read your addendum about the boyfriend paying for everything. Lol, it very well could be that your sister is just lazy, non-motivated, and some around her are enabling her. I would suggest that the oarents talk to her first, to see what she thinks may be the problem or, if she even thinks there is one. If she insists that there is none, then, they can ask her to leave. In an effort to keep from feeling that they are "kicking her out into the streets", they can give her a predetermined date, like say, maybe three months or so. If the time comes where she has to leave, then she has had ample warning, your parents have done all that they could ( thus relieving their guilt, and she has noone to blame but herself ). the boyfriend, who seems fine with paying two hundred a month, will then be in a position to ante up far more than that or leave it to her to find a suitable way to maintain. I think the threat of having to support herself fully will be sufficient enough to light the proverbial fire underneath her. If not, then tell your parents that enabling her further will do nothing but make this a more concrete part of her personality, and make it harder to conbat later. If it was my child, I would even change my mind on the rent issue. I would tell my child that it is no longer an option. Explain to him/her that it's not about the money, but rather my desire to instill a sense of responsibility within her. Since rent is no longer an issue, the only way that she could stay is to get....and keep a job. Let me know how this plays out.

Hey, i'm hoping someone can give me some advice. I'm an 18 year old female, and for 18 of those years, me and my mum were really close - like best friends. But since around the time of my eighteenth birthday, she's been like a rollercoaster ride of emotions. I wont bore you with the details of our arguments, but one day she'll be screaming in my face, and the next she'll be suffocating me and being all lovey dovey with me. I'm thinking that because i'm 18 now she's struggling to find a balance between letting me have my independence and still acting like we're family.
Right now she's not speaking to me, and when she does speak to be she'll snipe at me so there's no talking to her. I don't want to be her emotional doormat, so she can just throw any old emotion at me that she likes when she likes - I'm still a person too. I just don't know what to do right now, please, if you have any ideas, let me know. Thanks x (link)
Let me start by saying that for someone your age, you have an incredible grasp on what your mother may be experiencing. It very well could be that she is in the early phases of what's called "empty nest syndrome". What puzzles me however, is her propensity to display negative emotions toward you, as well. Usually, someone in the situation you've described often find themselves clinging desperately to the one they feel they are about to "lose". I've even heard some post-pubescents say that they feel as if they're being smothered. In consideration of that, I'd like to ask if your mother has recently gone through some sort of "trauma" that you may be inadvertently overlooking. Has she changed jobs, residences, someone in her life? Is she happy with where she is in her life and what she's done with it? The possibility could exist that she may feel a bit of resentment toward the opportunities that you will now be afforded having come of age, and that may make her take stock in where she is. If she's not happy with it, then the susequent transference of her anger could be directed towards you. You say the two of you were very close at one point. Why don't you rely on the closeness you once had and tell her what you're feeling. See if you can find out if there's anything else that may be at the root of her unexplained change of behavior. Maybe she will be open to shedding some light on the whole thing. If you find out anything that you may feel to be of importance in this situation, feel free to let me know and we'll take another look at it. If it is, in fact, her rebelling against the idea of letting you go, then there's not much you can do. Take the time to reassure her that you'll ALWAYS be there. Tell her what she means to you, even today, and will always, and let her take comfort in the fact that she will still be needed and useful in your life.

my partner and i love our sex life, but she won't give me head like she used to. before she would try to deepthroat all the time and now she only sucks enough of it to shut me up. how can i bring out the animal that she usd to be? (link)
Have you asked her the reasoning behind this and if so, what is it? It may be that she feels slighted in some way and feels that she is giving more than shye is getting. This may lead to resenment on her behalf. Ask her if there's anything you could do to make the entire lovemaking experience better for her. Once she feels that she's just as important, then maybe she'll gladly return to the "animal" that she used to be.

Hi one man, you have answered alot of my questions i wanted to make sure that you answer this one. You seem to be the most educated advice-giver on this site. not to say anything bad to the other advice columnists.
I'm asking this question because i'm desprete! (no offence) My mom has this hatrid for schools and so i'm home schooled but I don't get taught anything! Some of you may think this is great but I want to go to collage and my mom is excepting me have my GED when I turn 16 which is in 2 years. My mom says thats its my responsability to remind her to teach me. Its just that I don't like to remind her because all she does is give me the same stuff to that she has been giving me for the last 6 years.And when I don't remind my mother she gets mad and says that i'm the one that doesn't want to learn and if I don't want to learn its not hurting her.
My mother REALLY depressed and I am having a hard time with her. Infact, all the people she is around know. they can feel the negitive vibes coming off her. She is always crying and yelling at me for no reason. My mom used to be avery upbeat happy person but she has changed. she is always negitive and unhappy. always tired.
This year when school starts I should be in 9th grade and in high school but I am really scared about what to do! because if the state knew that I'm not getting any schooling they would take me away. I mean I'm getting to the point to where I'm going to tell the state. Please don't tell me tell my mother to put me in school because I have done that MANY times and trust me my mom isn't pretty when she is mad.
I have taught myself to read and write play the piano and many other things that I could learn to do in school.
I am very advanced in piano and I write poetry and I have one that is published and I have storys published in magazines too. I am also very good at cooking, baking and sewing.
So you see I'm not stupid but I feel I can't go any futher now. I NEED to be in school.

I really could use your advice!
thankyou you can e-mail me at

not stupid
Dear not stupid. I think it's VERY obvious from your accomplishments that you aren't stupid, or anything remotely resembling it :) I think there may be a bit more to your situation and in respect to you and the sensitivity of the subject, I'm going to submit my answer to you at the e-mail address provided.

I was working for 6 years for one of the grocery stores on strike here in southern calif. If your'e not familiar with this, we were striking for health care. They wanted to charge the workers way too much for their priscriptions. It wasn't an issue for me, because I get insurance from my husband. But I supported my co-workers and stayed on strike, picketing until December, when I decaided I just couldn't deal with it anymore. I did not go back to work. I was inhappy with my job before any of this happened, and they are now coming to some kind of agreement, and I'm supposed to go vote on it. I suspect it still isn't going to be a fair deal, and even if it doesn't affect me personally, I have qualms about working for such an unethical company. Like I said, I want to move on! My problem is my parents and in-laws don't support me in this decision, they think I'm making a mistake not going back to the store. They think if I go back, that I'll magically get promoted, but I don't think anything will change. My husband worries because I have to take a bus to this new job that I really like so far(first day was yesterday) but I don't think that this is a big deal. I'm planning on applying at the new drug store down the street as soon as it's finished being built, so this is just temporary. I don't like them pressuring me. My sister says "If you don't want to go back, you don't have to. " What do you think? (link)
I agree with your sister. In order to bring happiness to others, you must first enjoy it, yourself. You COULD follow their suggestions, but that will only leave you feeling embittered in time and that bitterness will most definitley bleed over into other parts of your interaction with others.
Expalin to your husband your specific reasoning for not wanting to return. In turn, give him the same opportunity to explain to you why he feels the way he does. As for the in-laws, I hate to say it, but they have little to nothing to do with the decision. Your husband's concern may be one of safety and that's to be understood. In that case, try and reassure him of your safety taking the bus. Let him take it with you, sitting in a different seat from you, so that he can personally observe what it is you go through. And finally, explain to him your plans for the new store. Tell him this is temporary, but most of all, your decision will make you happier. I'm sure you two can reach a fair compromise. Good luck.

Ummm....yeah.... i wanna know what the withdrawal symptoms are like if you just stop taking certain antidepressants. cos i have to get off mine sometime this year. and i dont wanna. im SCARED!!!!
People have been saying that ill get DT type shakes, nausea and bad mood swings.
Anyone with experience in this feild...i would muchly appreciate your advice.

~Mordak (link)
I'm really sorry that you didn't state the type of medication you currently take. Some drugs DO have a increased risk of physical withdrawal upon completion while others have less of the aforementioned risk.
Millions of people, perhaps as many as 10 percent of the American population, have taken serotonin boosters, which are often used to treat depression, panic disorder and compulsive behavior. Many of them have no problem discontinuing use, but others experience side effects of varying degrees. If there are to be any signs of withdrawal, you would want to look for signs of dizziness, nausea, an "electric shochk" sensation and others. During treatment, the body can build a dependency on the medication being taken.
I'm sure your physican is very competent and is well aware of the risks involved. Ask him/her about your concerns. I'm also sure that he/she will want tp monitor you closely during your weaining period and will make the transition as comfortable as possbile.

I got a job at a pizza restaurant. I've worked for the same chain several years ago (a different location). I filled out the application online, made some nice customer comments about that particular location because it's my favorite place, and the owner called me last night! I was feeling really down when he called, so I look at this as a good sign, because it really made me feel better. This may sound totally lame or corny to you, but I'd much rather being doing something, even if it's just making pizzas, or taking orders for them, then sitting around at home being broke. I need to help out my family, but I also feel better about myself when I'm working, like I'm "contributing to society " by having a job. Ok, so I'm not curing cancer, but treating people nice can really make the difference in somebody's day, and I will be working with the public, which I know I can do. It's been a long time since I've worked a cash register, but it didn't look hard, I'm planning to stay there as long as I need to to save money and go back to school to finish my child development credits, but I didn't tell the boss that. I think I conviced this new boss that I can handle it, so why am I so nervous? Any suggestions? I start my training friday. (link)
You're nervouse because your human. There's alot riding on this. More than one could see on the surface. Your being able to help, your intentions to continue your education, your feelings of self-worth/esteem. All of these are very major factors in one's life and this job is a very important step to bringing those things to fruition. So, naturally, you're going to feela little angst about it. You know what? I commend you. In regards to work, I always say, " If you have to clock in, clock out an you pay taxes, it's a good job because it's an HONEST job!". There's nothing to feel ahsamed about. I wish more people had the character that you have dsipalyed by your willingness to do what it takes. Take a few deep breaths, realize that this is an important step that you can do, and go out and give'm hell. let me know when you graduate.

long story: i was 16 when i got pregnant i couldnt tell parents cos they were very strict so i hid it for 7 months i was thinking about adopting him but when he was born i couldnt do it he was so lovely and my parents loved him too, when they asked me about the fether i said i didnt want him to know as he wasnt `the father figure`so i brought him up on my own for 6 years then i met someone else who i had 2 more children with he loves my son they get on well, but my son is 10 now and started asking questions like` whos my real father` ive said john but he looks baffled as if hes put 2 and 2 together cos he hasnt been with us 4 10 years, i just dont know what to say for the best, does he deserve the truth but i dont want him to have any relationship with his real father after all this time, help (link)
Unfortunately, that's not for you to decide. You may be able to curtail his actions and curiosity for a while, but eventually, he will be in the position to search on his own. One thing you may not have taken into consideration is the fact that YOUR feelings about HIS relationship with his father could leave him resenting YOU. I think it's only fair that he knows about his real father. I tell anyone that when the child is old enough, then it's his/her RIGHT to know. Usually, I'm asked, " When is he/she old enough". To that ( and to you, I respond )...When they start to ask.

hi can someone please help me,
i am 16 and under weight does any one know what sort f food to eat to help me put on a bit of weight i am not that bothered about it i just want a bit of weight please help (link)
There are certain foods that are better at "buling up" than others. One suggestion would be to try a nutrtion drink such as "ensure" or a reasonable facimile. If that's not possible at the moment, you may want to concentrate on foods high in protein such as beans and potatoes. Bananas are an EXCELLENT way to put on weight and fairly simple to obtain. Whatever method you chosse, keep in mind that as you start to gain weight, you will also want to increase you daily level of exercise. That way you can ensure that the weight you DO gain will be muscle-based and not harmful fat.

how many fingers do i use to finger my self? because i want it to feel good but i dont want it to hert? how many??? (link)
Well, only you can determine that. Different peopole have different slants on what feels "good" to them. For them it may be two, where you may find that you are totally satisfied with only one. Some women find that it's not necessary to insert ANY fingers. They find adequate stimulation externally by gently caressing or massaging the "lips". Take your time, get to know yourself and YOu determine what's best for you, noone else can.

I went to this party and I'm 15 and I drank but I only had one beer and than I woke up the next morning in my bed. After that for the next couple of weeks I got sick daily, I started to get worried and had my friend buy a pregnancy test for me and it turned out that I was pregnant. I don't know how that's possible because I'm a virgin. But I can't remember what happened that night at the party. I don't know what to tell my parents.
~Pregnant?~ (link)
How much do you remember about the party other than having the one beer? Who gave it to you? Was it open already or did you have to open it? If you ARE pregnant, and you ARE indeed a virgin, then you may have had something slipped to you in your drink. As sad as it sounds, it's avrey common happening these days, especially when the drinkers aren't of age, and quite often rely on others for their alcoholic consumption.
I would suggest you schedule a vaginal exam. They would be able to determine if there was any sexual contact. Talk to friends.....if you were drugged, believe me, someone knows something. try to find out all you can to protect both you and others from going through this again.

Hello, Maybe you can help me. My husband of 12.5 years has a drinking problem. Because of his drinking problem ,he does not face life. His salary has gone down 50% in the last four years. He drinks and drives his company car. I have caught him four times driving our boys around drunk. He was drunk at my sons baseball tryouts.

He gets credit cards and hides them from me to buy booze. He hides booze in his car. I have tried to get him to counseling. All the counselors have told him he has a drinking problem. I have talked to his parents and they are tired of his behavior. Our two boys hate it when he drinks. He falls asleep and is not awake when they are up if I go out.

I work and I have to make sure that I get the mail or he hides the bills from me. In addition, I make 50% more than him and really do not respect him. I want to get him out of my life, but I feel bad for my boys to come from a broken home.

I feel that there is no other choice.

I know you may feel bad for the boys having to come from a broken home. but I thinkk we both know that's just an excuse. You seem too in touch with the situation to me to think that's the only reason you choose not to leave at this point. I know that for you, "starting over" ALONE is going to be quite an adjustment, and honestly, it's an adjustment that most people don't want to undergo. That's normal. but, in the event that I'm way off base and it IS your fear of the boys/broken home...consider this. The home is about as broken as it can get with him right NOW. The children are at a point where they've come to "hate" an aspect of their father and that's never a good sign. You don't respect him. I don't think I need to address that issue. Finally, it only appears to be getting worse. I'm sorry to say it, but there's nothing anyone can do. Your husband has to come to the realization himself. Until that happens, he's not going to be successful at putting the bottle down. His decdiet only serves to worsen both the trust and everyday quality of you and your family. You have to do what's best for the children at this point. There's nothing that states that once you get him "out of your life" that you can't welcome him back in once he's effectively in tretament and making progress. it sounds as if he has a lot of issues to deal with and as stated, he'll have to face those on his own BEFORE he can address them with you. God bless you and the best blessings on your decision. Please do not hesitate to write me at my private e mail if for any reason you want to talk about this further. Regardless, let me know how this plays out. Keep in touch, as much as you need.

Great column... My boyfriend and I just had a mutual break-up. Another boy I know wants to date me, I like him and all but I think it's too early. What do you think? (link)
First of all, thank you. I appreciate the compliment.
A funny thing happens after a break up, mutual or otherwise. We have a tendency to look for what we may have done wrong or could have done better in the relationship, even in mutual break ups. In keeping with that, we are more open to any signs that someone else finds anything in us that they deem worthy or attractive. When that happens, we usually find ourselves feeling a bit stornger than we would normally and at a much faster rate only to find later that those feelings weren't really genuine or in the least, not as "real" as we once thought. So, I think you have already come up with the best possible solution at this point, and the most mature, might I add. Take it slow. You can even enjoy his company from time to time in an effort to get to know him better, and give him the opportunity to know more about you. As time passes, you'll both know what the next move should be. But for now, I agree with you whole-heartedly. It may just be too early. Wait until you've completely come to terms with the dissolution of your last relationship and then move on for the two of you, not just what you may be needing in a "rebound" situation.

I know you said to just tell him outright, but still, I don't think I could figure a time to approach him.

Maybe I should just pretend not to be interested anymore? Or should I just 'play' back? Like being the aggressive one and see what he does? I'm naturally laid back in that sort of thing, so I don't know. Should I, or would that just be manipulative and unfair to him. Although he's done it to me... (link)
Well, that could be one alternative, although I'm not a big proponent of the "playing" scene. What people fail to realize is that even when you "play" back, you still have to deal with the feelings that you have. And should the time come when you finally have to let it all go, it's only that much harder. And what if you DO play and then find out later that he's NOT interested. Then....were you really playing? No, because he didn't care. Why don't you just ask him. If you can find time to "play" you can find time to ask him.

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