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I have a wealth of life experience, some because I've paid attention to other people's mistakes, and some because I've made the dumb mistakes myself. My dad use to say that experience was not the best teacher but the hardest teacher. Many, many times, I wish someone could have given me the heads up, but it did not happen that way. So without choice, I had to learn the hard way. I am willing to share my wisdom with you.
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Member Since: April 6, 2010
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Last Update: April 12, 2010
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My boyfriend and i broke up just about 2 weeks ago (he broke up with me ). He told me I was the best girlfriend he's ever had(and his first REAL relationship) .He told me im the most amazing girl he's ever met but he needs space and i guess he got sick of hanging around me so much.I did everything for this kid,all the time.even his friends would tell him how great i am and how pretty i am and how they wish their girlfriends were like me.We are on good terms and have hungout a few times since the break up,but while we were dating..he used to smoke weed and it bothered me so sometimes he'd lie to me about doing it.then i told him to be honest about it,so he told me the truth,and we'd fight over it often and he'd tell me im a "buzz kill" which obviously made me feel like crap.Recently since we've been broken up,he smokes more than ever.for the first time ,today he came to school high and told several of my friends he was getting high after school too.He skipped a few hours yesterday to do it.and it's just horrible.He hasn't done his work ,nothing! he has such a great family,he's so so smart,he has honors and AP classes,he is so good at soccer,he goes to church and he had me and this weed thing is throwing him down the drain and i feel like weed has been picked over me.Everyones telling me that he;s gonna miss having me around because i was so good to him and i was the first girl he ever really liked,...but how can he miss me if he's spending all his time getting high and not in the right state of mind?! HAs anyone else had this problem? He's such an amazing guy when he's not high .I just miss him and i wish he'd miss me too. (link)
Dear Beyond depressed,

You just about recounted an experience I had recently. Unfortunately, you won't be able to change this scenario but you can learn from it.

1-Stick with your standards. If you knew he was smoking weed, being with him and then trying to change him is not the way to go. You have to leave people to their habits until they hit rock bottom and know it's time to create a healthy lifestyle.

2-People must help themselves in healthy ways in order to be a benefit to YOU. Marijuana relaxes people. He likely smokes weed to help him cope with something in his past or in his life. However, counseling is the better option, but a person must admit the struggle and be willing to get help.

3-An addict who is not in recovery will choose their addiction over you on any given day, because they are already in love, in love with the thing they abuse.

His pain of losing you and knowing he was not worthy of you makes him need to smoke more in order to cope. Do you want to spend all of your time with someone who has NO coping skills for problems other than to get high?

Just remember, it is not your fault. We both fell in love with an addict who was afraid to feel, afraid of the reality, and thus afraid to be sober. All we can do is hope for the best unselfishly. Not for the best of the relationship, but the best for the addicted person who is truly in pain.

Wish him well and find someone who is sober.

Take care,
Deeply Setting



19/f so there's this guy in my class i liked him and i thought he liked me, but he didn't. He smiled and talked to me in class and on facebook, so i misinterpreted it, especially when he gave me his business card since he's a fitness trainer at this gym. And i called him so many times, and then i texted him and he told me he had a girlfriend. so basically i s talked him like a moron. And now he gives me death stares all the time. And now i feel bad, and i can't stop thinking about it no matter how hard i try. I want to say sorry to him and that i want to start over and be friends. Should i apologize? like to his face? please help thanks! (link)
Dear Should I apologize,

You have no reason to feel bad in the first place. Unless you're leaving out information and you did some harm to him physically, or crossed physical boundaries, waited in the bushes outside his home, told people you were his girlfriend etc. you have nothing to feel bad about. You called him repeatedly, and when he told you his status, you stopped contacting him. Kudos to you. A real stalker would not be that intelligent.

You misinterpreted his intentions-it happens, especially when it involves something we want. I think he is the one who owes the apology. After your third call, you should have received a text at the least telling you he had a girl THEN. It was rude for him to wait so long to give you this necessary bit of information.

Should you apologize? I don't think so. Moving on is enough to create closure to this situation. Remember, he has a girlfriend. Would you want a woman who was attracted to your man to become his friend? Probably not. Respect his situation - it will elevate you and show that you have class.

Trust me, a man who waits that long to tell another woman he is already involved is seeking trouble and attention. You deserve better than that anyway.

Take care,
Deeply Setting


last school year... i met this boy i'll call him "jeff". Well i really really really really really hated "jeff". Well he hated me too. But in the middle of the year... my hormones took over and i fell for him.
Well now its summer and he unblocked me (he had nme blocked on aim the whole school year) and he said hi and i said why are you talking to me? he said "oh i dont care about school stuff anymore...how are you?" and we talked for like 2 hours like we were best friends. Then like a week later he imed me and was like I HATE YOU and unblocked me. Then yesterday he unblocked me and we talked for 3 hours!!!
i really really like him and i cant tell if he still hates me!!!!

i rate high!

(link)
Dear Mixed signals,

Sounds like your hormones are very talkative. They are telling you ~hey, look at that terrific guy Jeff. He's so hot, isn't he? But your intuition had already told you way before that Jeff actually wasn't such a nice guy. See, there was something within you that told you the truth. Now, you can see you were correct. Many times, we do not listen to our gut instinct, our intuition. We are actually more intelligent than we give ourselves credit.

Listen to your instinct and put a muzzle on those hormones. They'll lead you wrong every time.

Take care,
DeeplySetting


Ok here goes. I'm a 26 year old female. I've been threw a lot of relationships that failed. And for a couple of years now I've been on my own. Lonely and quite miserble and I'm currently trying to peice my life back togeather. So about three weeks ago I met a guy at a bar, he was much older than myself ten years to be exact so I thought wow a refresher. Usually I date always date guys around my own age... So I was instantly drawn in to this guy. So we talked on the phone and he took me out to eat so... I taught it was cool. It has been a while since I've really been out with a guy. So after the date we started talkng he invited me to hs home and we were intimate. Big mistake to soon and my feelings for him instanstly started to multiply I mean heres a guy I've known for a week that I slep with and now I have serious feelings for him. So every night basicly after that I continued to go over his house and sleep with him. And lately starting last week he started to change he only invited me over one day and the other days he barley answered his phone or when we talked he barley even paid attention to our conversation. So yesterday which was easter My family was over and my sister brought him up in the conversation. And I started talking about him and to my utter amazement my brother and law knew him. He grew up in the same neighborhood and he told me things about the guy that was shoking to me. He told me that he was a drug dealer and he was married before. OMG that threw me for a loop because just earlier that day I was talking to him and I heard a female in his background and before I could say anything else he quickly said he was about to take a shower and he hung up his phone. No matter the low down things you hear about a person when you have feelings for them it's really hard to get over that person... Superhard to move on even though I know that he only wanted sex with me and he really didn't plan on getting to know me that's why he lied about it. But I know he will proably call me and I just dont know if I would have the strength to resist him. Olease tell me any ways that I could do to get him out of my life for good! (link)
Dear Ok here goes,

To me it sounds like the root of the problem is that you have no standards. That may sound rough, but I don't mean morally. I mean, if you met a new guy tomorrow, would he meet your standards?

When we don't have standards or boundaries, we allow all sorts of things to happen to us and all sorts of people into our lives. Example - the guy is much older than you, which was different so you went with it. However, do you have an age limitation? Trust me when I tell you that men do. I bet he asked your age didn't he? Men know what they're looking for and they will ask needed questions. Sometime women don't -only to be thrown for a loop at the end.

So my answer to you is create your list of standards first. Make note of everything you want in a man that you are worthy of and stick with it! You will likely find that this guy does not measure up to your standards. Once you realize that, it will be much easier for you to move on, knowing that he is simply a waste of your time.

Take care,
DeeplySetting


long story.

My boyfriend and i have been broken up for around a month now because he is going through a depression. We don't talk anymore and i really miss him.I was wondering what I should do here is the story.


I've know this guy since i was in 8th grade. I started liking him in 9th grade and we were together for a day or two but I broke up and were still friends. Around the December he went into a depression. He felt back stab by his friends and went through a bad breakup. So he cut off all communication with everyone for months and barley talked to anyone towards the end of the school year. I was always there to give him hugs when I saw him really down.

He moved schools for our 10th grade year and got out of his depression. We talked every couple of months but nothing major. During the summer of our 10th grade i texted him and we began to talk regularly and began to like each other a couple of months down the road. We fell in love and made it official in August. We were very in love and even planned to get married and have kids. I had never had a relationship like that and neither did he. We never broke up and never really had fights. we had some problems but what couple doesn't . towards February he started to tell me that he was getting depressed. I noticed that he started to be sad on certain days. But we were still together. Then in March we got into a little fight and didn't talk for 3 days. When i asked him to hang out he didn't make an effort and went instead to the mall. Then he told me he was unhappy but he wasn't dumb enough to leave me. After hours of talking about it he decided to take a break. but we still talked and called each other pet names. He came over and we still acted like we were together. Finally a couple of days later he said that he doesn’t know if we would ever be back together. and that I should move on because his depression was getting worse to the point where he was seeing things. He told me he needed his space and that he didn’t know if still loved me. But to call him when i really needed him and missed him to much. We did that for a couple of weeks. ( I had surgery so he came over to make sure i was okay we made out and when he left he said he felt worse). On his birthday we talked and hung out at the library to help him with a paper he was writing. ( i had always helped him with work. and also helped him decide to go to college)

We would go days without talking and I felt that my being around whenever he needed me was pushing him away more. His depression was not improving and he was bringing me down. So on Wednesday I told him that I couldn’t be there anymore that he was bringing me down and that I had to move on.( he would always tell me that i needed to be strong and move forward with my life so I told him that I would do that) And to not call me anymore. I didnt say this in a mean way and he said that he agreed and that it would be best for me. We said we wouldn’t talk again after that. He said hopefully one day we would run into one another and things would be different. I told him this hoping me not being around would make him miss me a little. And he will call one day. I still love him and really want to be with him. Or at least have him in my life

Now.... I really miss him and I was wondering if we would ever talk again. He told me that he regrets when he stopped talking to his friends and tried to get back in contact with them last summer. Im hoping he does this with me.

But from what I told you. Do you think we are over for good?
Should I call in a few months if he doesn’t call me if I still miss him?
Do you think this is because of the depression. Or do you have any advice for me.
ps. I am moving on with my life and I will start dating soon. I just really want him back and want to be with him.
(link)
Dear ex depressed what should I do,

I totally understand your pain. Yours is a heart wrenching experience where the decision to be separate from a loved one has nothing to do with problematic interactions. There's a saying in love that "sometime people who love each other just cannot be together." Know that you are not alone, because this happens throughout life for various reasons. Your situation involves depression.

Now, your query is pertinent and logical, so I'll answer directly. Yes I think it is over for good. No I do not think you should call him. Yes, it is absolutely due to his depression. You did not state your age, but you have made a wise decision that some well in years cannot find the strength to make-that is to move on with your life.

First let me say you have made the correct decision because (1) he told you to move on and (2) he was bringing you down. Always listen to what a man tells you about himself. Do not doubt him because he knows himself well. Also, always look out for your emotional and mentall well-being first. Without those you have nothing.

In conclusion I will add this, never say never. It is possible that this man will become a better person. However, that will only happen when HE DECIDES to take charge of his life. He needs to get into therapy and delve into the reason for his depression so he can resolve those issues. Perhaps something happened to him when he was a child. He may need to take medication. Regardless, he needs to do it for himself-because he's tired of feeling that way. Not for you and not for the relationship. Deciding he needs help and seeking it, will probably take longer than working through the issue itself.

So live your life knowing that one day, he may get healthy enough to appreciate and admire how you have maintained your own mental health. However, if he never does, you can hold your head high in confidence in the good decision you made, because he is certainly not the last man on earth.

There is another saying in life. "When one door closes, another door opens."

Take care,
DeeplySetting




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