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My column is dedicated to telling it like it is. I will always give you the best information available to me or the best advice I can. I will be upfront and never hide the truth from you.The one thing I will not do is you homework. I will try and point you towards the answer or help you find the answers you looking for. Ultimately you will have to find the answer yourself.
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I think my parents are slightly if not extremely controlling. I'm not going to brag, but I would say in all, I am a good kid. For reference, I'm 19 turning 20 in a month. My ethnic background is South Asian, and religious background of Islam/Muslim. I'm female.
I've never drunk, done drugs, smoked, had a bad group of friends, partied, broken the law or anything like that, or much less even dated. Personally for me, those things go against my core values, beliefs and they're not my cup of tea of "fun".
But regardless of that, my parents still restrict me in so many ways. My father gets suspicious if I say I want to go to the library to do my homework (I'm homeschooled) because I can't concentrate at home, and my dad tends to give off this negative vibe all the time. He never has anything positive or good to say about anything. I prefer to be in a positive and comforting environment.
And then he's even mentioned that if he wants, he can come follow me to the library to see what I'm really doing. He's mentioned that plenty of times whenever I've said that I want to go to the gym or anything like that. I don't think he actually has, but I wouldn't know.
Personally, I find that extremely offensive, degrading in a way, and disrespectful. He's basically implying that I'm frolicking about doing God-knows-what with Who-knows-who.
I hate having to lie to parents but I feel like I'm going to start to have to now to actually be able to do the things I enjoy doing in life, and start having a social life.
I told my parents I wanted to do the Spartan Race, which by the way is the most amazing obstacle course/fitness challenge. They said I couldn't, and they even yelled at me. Because "this isn't for girls" and that there are "boys there."
So I basically registered and am going to have to come up with a lie (that I'm still thinking of) so I can go to the race this summer.
Next week, I'm planning on going to another military training course called the "O course" as practice for the actual race, and of course, my parents will NOT let me go ever. I'm going to have to lie to them again. Which makes me feel guilty, sad, and goes against my beliefs because I'm a believer in honesty!!
Yet when I mention it to my Dad, and tell him that I am an adult and that I can do whatever I want (NOT that I'm even doing anything wrong to begin with) he starts going crazy and yells at me. And tells me to get out of his, and go live with my Mom.
Now, if I'm at my Mom's and try to explain to her the same thing, she'll go a little crazy maybe call me a bitch, and then give me the could shoulder.
Honestly, what do I do? I want to be respectful of my parents but still be able to live my OWN life.
I'm not able to move out yet, because I'm not financially able to support myself though I am thinking about it for the future. It's just.. I've wasted so much of my life.. doing NOTHING. Putting a leash on my passions, and what the things I love to do.
Your heritage has you trapped between between a rock and a hard place, especially if you live in the USA. You say your 19 turning 20, your registration to this site shows you to be 13 which is confusing to those of us who can see this information. You may want to update this information.
In any case being 19 almost twenty if living in the USA you have certain rights for which your parents cannot infringe on. Your father cannot for instance follow you any place this is considered stalking. He can however ask you to leave his home for legally as an adult his responsibility to you as a parent is over. The rock and hard place example.
I do agree with you that lying to your parents is wrong. When you lie you actually have to write these lies down so you can remember them later if asked about them. The truth is always easier to remember.
As the previous writer has pointed out there are many places you can turn to for help. What I suggest is that you do so if you feel you need to. What I would like you to try before turning to these people and places for help is this.
Parents like yours have a hard time understanding they are not living in the old country. That some of their religious and beliefs, while of good moral value, run contrary to how society works here and in some cases can cause them to be charged with violations of the law.
As an adult you have a right to experience everything this country has to offer. He has raised you with a great set of values that will serve you well. You need to experience life as it is here. For here is where you are going to live, work and marry. Here is where you must exist and do so within the confines of our culture and your morales. You need to experience life as it is with him being there to support you not hinder you.
He may not like some of what this country allows though he has found away to exist within it and make a life for himself. He needs to allow you to do the same while he is here to help you and catch you if you fall. It will be much easier for you to do so in this manner with him here to help. If something where to happen to him tomorrow you would flounder trying to make your way in this world. As a parent it is his responsibility to help you adapt and make your way in the world.
You need to explain what I have just written in your own words. Words hopefully he will accept and understand. For it is a parent's responsibility to teach their children to make their way in this world as responsible adults.
By the way: Your father cannot force you into an arranged marriage in this country, it is illegal. Just for your information.
(Rating: 5) Thank you, you put that very thoughtfully and it's quite insightful. I just have to see if I can broach this topic, I have tried a few times but they always end up in the same way.
I live in Canada, and I am 19 turning 20. I just put a random date when I registered a few years ago.
Anyways, I was going to say my Dad usually ends up ranting about how he "knows what I'm really up to" and what I'm really doing when I try to discuss the topic about my personal freedom as an adult.
But quite honestly, I think that often people will try and look for the faults in others that they themselves have in themselves.
For example, when my Dad was younger and when his and his family immigrated to Canada, he was in his late teens and from what I hear hung out with quite the crowd. He did everything I've never done such as: drinking, clubbing, smoking, dating girls, and etcetera.
I think he feels that because he was that way, or was easily pressured to do things against his morals or values that I might do the same which is completely false assumption.
I also feel he thinks that every teenager or young adult is the same way like the way he was. I think this is a little worse than if my Dad was.. simply an immigrant that was only accustomed to the culture back home.
He feels like he knows some big secret or insight into how every teenager or adult functions in our society and has them jammed into one category and one box; only out of his own.. personal experience.
I just feel like I'm walking around eggshells.
And by the way: Thanks for the heads up, my parents may be many things but they would never force me into an arranged marriage. And even if they tried, I'm not the type of person to sit still and just LET something happen to me.