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My column is dedicated to telling it like it is. I will always give you the best information available to me or the best advice I can. I will be upfront and never hide the truth from you.The one thing I will not do is you homework. I will try and point you towards the answer or help you find the answers you looking for. Ultimately you will have to find the answer yourself.
advice
F/30/US
This is long. I'm sorry.
We met about 2 years ago and promptly started dating. Things got pretty serious; we kind of lived together. Healthiest functioning relationship either of us have ever been in.
We both suffered emotional abuse as children and battle chronic depression; we deal the best we can. Shit went south when he started a hellish job. For a while he at least talked to me about it and I tried to help him the best I could. Eventually our relationship stagnated. No intimacy (neither emotional/physical). Neither of us knew what to do. Neither of us had the will to fight.
Last June I ended it. He said he understood, I cried, he held me. We said we'd stay friends because we both still love each other.
For about a month we didn't really speak. Eventually we started hanging out again and discovered that we are awesome friends. He started looking to date again so I did the same. Sometimes I wondered if we had made a mistake; sometimes I was jealous, but I want him to be happy, even if he's happy with someone else.
I had a brief fling with a random guy. He briefly dated a girl we'll call "C" but she didn't seem to return his feelings. We went to a bar one night and he saw a cute girl, bought her a drink, they chatted for a minute but she wasn't interested. We got drunk. While we waited for the cab, he asked if I wanted to be friends with benefits. I asked him if he thought doing so would complicate our friendship. He said no and kissed me. We went to his house and had sex. He told me that he missed me and loved me, but didn't express any interest in getting back together. The next morning, we had sex again and then he started acting awkward (shut down), so I left.
Not too long after that he had a brief fling with a random girl and hooked up with another friend. He told me about it; I was jealous but said nothing because we are only FWBS. Not too long after that, I decided that I don't want to date anyone. Not too long after that, he decided the same.
Since then: we spend a lot of time together and have become closer. Most of the time we are just friends. Sometimes we sleep together (5 times since we separated) and, emotionally, it is, usually, very intense. Sometimes he shuts down afterward, sometimes he doesn't.
2-3 months ago, I dreamt I was at his house and another girl showed up, unannounced. He didn't answer the door, but he called her and told her that she needed to leave. After she left, he told me that they screwed around every now and then. I wasn't upset but I asked him why he had not told me about her before. He explained that I meant more to him than she did and he was afraid I wouldn't understand. This dream struck me as particularly odd because he hasn't mentioned another female in months.
Some context: he uses sex as a crutch for his crippled self-esteem. Before we dated he slept with over 100 a women and had never really been in a long-term relationship before. While we dated, he would often make me jealous to buoy his self-esteem. He would talk, in detail, about his previous sexual conquests and use his friendships with other females to drive me batshit crazy. He would never admit to any of this; I'm not even sure he was aware of what he was doing or why.
Recently he asked me about my expectations regarding our relationship. I told him that I love him more than I have ever loved anyone; that he is my best friend. I also explained that I do not expect for us to get back together anytime soon, if ever. I told him that I felt, for a while, that he was angry with me for breaking up with him, that I am still afraid that he doesn't really understand my reasons for doing so, and that I have never broached the topic because he hasn't expressed any interest in getting back together. He told me that he also loves me more than he has ever loved anyone else; that I am his best friend. He said that he had gotten over our break-up months ago, but that he thought it was easier for him because he has lost so many loved ones in the past. He told me that he thought it was possible for us to be together again one day, but that he didn't want to date me again until I finished college because he felt that I was changing too rapidly. I said that I feel the same because I do.
Yesterday I was at his house, we were just hanging out like we usually do. He mentioned (and not randomly, she fit into the context of the conversation) a "friend" that he "used to fuck around with" and, now, "occasionally hangs out with" from time to time. I immediately suspected that he was talking about C. And so, I asked him, "Are you talking about C?" He said that he was and seemed bewildered that I knew she existed. ("I told you about her?")I asked if I was complicating matters by being at the house at the time. He said that I wasn't and promptly dropped the subject.
I don't even know what I'm asking. Maybe I just needed to vent. Maybe I just want help putting the situation into perspective. I don't know how I feel anymore, and I don't know what to do. I love him; I have no desire to be anything more than what we are right now... I'm curious about what she is to him, but I'm not jealous. Not really. I think what bothers me... Why didn't he tell me before? Why did he suddenly stop talking about girls, full stop?
I feel like something very strange is going on. Then again, this whole situation has been rather strange for a while.
Thanks for reading.
I feel you two have a very complicated relationship. One that none of us are even close to being qualified to advise on. You and he both say you love each other. You say your not jealous of "C" though I think deep down you may be. Your friends with benefits because neither of you cannot find another relationship that is equally as satisfying. Did that mean just sexually or inclusive of sex.
The one thing I do agree is the right decision is to not move forward until you finish college. You did not say if he is college educated or not though you are being college educated. The person you will truly be will not emerge until you finish college. Each year until them you will mature in different ways and this can become a wedge between you. Your relationShip has enough complications you do not need to add more.
Should you both want to try to understand and fix these complications. I would recommend couples counseling, both individual and together.
You said you may just be venting. A good counselor can help you understand why you need to vent, what it means and help you decide how to move forward. We cannot do this with you in this type of forum.
(Rating: 5) Thank you. I think you're right that I am jealous of C. I had a problem properly identifying that emotion, perhaps because the feeling is not as intense or powerful as the feelings of jealousy that I experienced while we were an official couple.
He is college educated; I'm sure that's why he asserted that he didn't want to try again until I finished. Thank you for backing him up. He told me, when we broke up, that I had changed significantly since he met me... That was difficult for me to believe because, even though I feel many of those changes internally, I did not realize how obvious those changes were on the outside. I suspected that he was engaging in some passive-aggressive finger-pointing, now I realize that I was largely ignorant of the change college can induce because I am one of the few people in both my family and circle of friends to have attended university.
I think our relationship is hard to match because it is more emotionally and mentally satisfying. Sexually, I'm not sure if we're compatible sometimes. It's actually gotten better since we broke up, but I'm not sure if it's because of the newly found emotional intensity.
My college offers all students five free counselor visits per year. I will make an appointment soon. Thank you for all your help and time. You really did make a difference.