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Q: I've been seeing this guy for about a year. I care about him a lot, and he feels the same about me. However, he is a little sexist, and pretty self-centered in bed.
We are exclusive, and dated for about 3 months but are currently on a break (still exclusive!) because we fought so much and titles just stress him out and make him feel obligated (and I must say I'm happier being what we are now than when we are in a relationship). But it still bugs me because I feel I'm not good enough for him, but he still calls me his girl. He knows it bugs me, but he doesn't like talking about it.
Also, he has kind of sexist views, he asks me to cook and clean, although I only do the cooking part every once in a while and he usually helps out. Cleaning is too much, but I clean up after myself. Note: we don't live together.
In bed, he is selfish. Its all about him. He doesn't kiss me, no foreplay whatsoever unless its on him. He won't perform oral on me, he said the thought of it grosses him out (I have great hygiene!), and where he's from guys get made fun of for doing that. He knows I don't orgasm from sex, but don't get me wrong I still enjoy it. I just feel like he doesn't care. And I've told him what I like, but he doesn't do it.
I'm not sure what to do. It's not a deal breaker, in all other aspects he's pretty much perfect. He respects me, he's proven he cares about me time and time again. But sometimes I do feel unappreciated and taken for granted. I guess I feel some resentment toward him. But I do genuinely enjoy making him happy, it makes me happy, and he also makes me happy in other ways. What do you think I should do?
We are both in college. And yes even though we aren't officially together, we are still exclusive and committed to each other. He is NOT using me for sex, trust me on this. And I don't cook for him that often either.
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Reading your question just made me shudder. If he's this bad now, after only three months of dating, he'll only get worse with time.
The "no oral" thing isn't so much of an issue of respect. Some guys just don't do oral, just like some girls don't. Now, the fact that he doesn't really care enough to do what you like to make sure that you're enjoying yourself, that is worrying. Great sex is an important part of a relationship, and if it's all one-sided, there will be issues.
The stuff that confuses me is how a guy who you don't live with feels entitled to ask you to clean up after him and cook for him. If he's that bad now, what would it be like if you lived together? Be prepared for him to refuse to do anything for himself. That's a very real possibility.
I also don't quite get the whole "on a break, but exclusive" thing. You're good enough to cook for him (even if you don't actually do it, he's still asking), clean for him, have sex with him, but not to be his official girlfriend? That doesn't fly with me. Some people are against definite labels on a relationship, but if the word "girlfriend" is that scary to him, he just isn't ready for a real relationship. Maybe the reason he isn't ready to call you his girlfriend is because he wants a mom instead!
I know you say he respects you, but none of this really points to respect. In a respectful relationship, both partners are equals. In a respectful relationship, both partners work to make each other happy. It sounds like you're doing all the work.
In the end it's up to you. Maybe you're happy to be a housewife, or to take a more traditional role. It doesn't sound like it, though, from what you're saying. Just make sure he doesn't let you feel like anything less than you are. If you find yourself being pushed into a role you don't want, run.
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Thank you. I don't mind doing these things when I'm his girlfriend, but when I'm not its not right. I told him that we should be just friends without the benefits of a relationship. I feel like a lost a huge part of me, he's been my best friend for the past year.
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bio
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My Personal Forum
My name is Amanda and I'm 26 years old. I'm currently studying electrical engineering. Armed with a fairly odd sense of humour and a sunny outlook on life, I'll take on just about anything. I'm also cussedly stubborn, which has its ups and downs. Things get tough sometimes, and I've never been one to run from it.
In my last 8 years with Advicenators, I've gone from honours student to failing out of university (and getting back on top again!), from single to married, from tenant to homeowner.
Until lately, I have been struggling with a diagnosis of bipolar disorder and OCD, which had basically ruined my life and taken just about everything from me. I'm thankful every day for every experience I've had because of this ordeal, because it's helped to make me who I am today. Things like that really make you appreciate what you do have. Now that I'm back in work and school and starting to become myself again, I couldn't be happier. I credit Advicenators with saving my life back when I was a teenager, which is a big part of why I'm still here.
I won't necessarily give you the answers you want to hear, but I'll always be honest and do my best to help.
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Info
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Gender: Female Location: Ontario, Canada Occupation: Student Age: 26 Member Since: February 14, 2006 Answers: 2207 Last Update: September 26, 2016 Visitors: 102157
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