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I've been with my boyfriend for five years. Last year we broke up but then got back together 5 months later. We've almost been back together for a year. We broke up becos I felt unappreciated, there was no romance, and it got so boring that I was going crazy. It's actually worse since we've gotten back together. There's never any thank yous or appreciation shown when I do things for him. He helps me out financially so I feel indebted to him. I'm afraid of making the wrong decision if I leave. Where do you draw the line? (link)
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Hi there,
You know, the funny thing is that this is so typical. The problem you describe is practically the reason couples therapy was invented.
Please understand that anyone here can only go by the information you have provided. With that in mind, I have the following thoughts:
Couples therapy. This is obviously something you feel you need to be happy, and something that obviously isn't important to him. Only one way to fix that, and that is to talk it out in a moderated setting.
He helps you financially, so you feel indebted to him... but not appreciated? He is paying for things. Typically this is how men show appreciation.
As for the lack of romance, well, 5 years is certainly past the honeymoon phase. There is a huge difference between the day to day business of maintaining a relationship and the initial "getting to know you" phase.
If you are expecting first date romance 5 years or more into a typical relationship, that isn't likely to happen.
It can happen... but only if you BOTH agree to make it work, and then work at it every day.
It isn't something one person can do. Trust me on that one.
It is very tempting, when reading what you written here, to think: "What a princess mentality!" The only thing that gives pause to that idea is that you are willing to leave the money.
As for where you draw the line:
Simply put: You draw that line wherever you aren't happy.
If his line in the sand and your line don't match up, one or both of you are doomed to be miserable.
The thing to remember is that a relationship is work. It can be very much like a job, in fact. When you are unhappy at work, you can try to fix the reasons for your unhappiness (that would be couples counseling in this case) or you quit, and find another job.
In your case there must be a reason that you got back together. You don't mention love... you just mention that he gives you money. As that is the only reason for being with him that you mention, my suggestion would be to break it off.
If he actually loves you, and is just bad at showing it (very typical for men and women to show this differently) then, with you only being worried about the money, it would be doing him a favor if you left.
If you do love him, and just forgot to mention that here, then couples counseling is really, seriously, the only hope you two have.
You mention things getting boring... well, that is likely to become more so with time. If you can't handle it now, believe me... that 10th year will be worse.
See, when you talk with him, you may be saying some of the same things that you are expressing here. If he feels like you are just with him for money, which is what your question indicates, then of course there is no romance!
Who is going to be romantic with someone who views them as a checkbook?
If he has gotten this vibe from you, it will not be easy to fix. Even if that isn't how you meant it, once he gets that idea in his head you are going to have to prove that it isn't true.
Again, it is time for some help. A good counselor will help you two to reach a common level of communication. As soon as you get there, you will know right away if you have any future together.
I wish you both all the best.
P.S. If you are as unhappy as you state, then don't be afraid to leave... you would be doing him a favor. Nobody wants to be with someone who thinks of them as unappreciative, boring and unromantic. You don't want to be with someone like that, right?
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Rating: 2
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I'm never asking advice from here again. No one has given anything good. I was trying to keep it brief because that's what the site says. I could've used some friendly advice but apparently you can't get that here. I can't believe that it was taken as though I'm a spoiled princess. I love him, I don't wanna hurt him, I just want everything to turn out for the best. I obviously love him to be with him for so long, if I didn't, I would be a pretty despicable person. You said u were gonna go by what I said in my question but went ahead to judge me as some sort of spoiled brat. People seem so bitter and judgemental on here. Thanks for the GREAT advice.
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