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FemaleAge:
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March 25, 2006Answers:
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April 11, 2010Visitors:
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I'm insert name. I've been on this site for a couple of years.I love: playing music, reading, and Jolly Ranchers.
I hate: purple, avocados, and cults.
I tell: the truth.
advice
this is a short part of my novel that i would like some feedback on. like i'm just wondering, does it make sense?here it is :
The next thing she knew, she was so close to him she could smell his Armani Acqua Di Gio cologne. Scott’s hands were holding her hips, and she was moving her hips into his. His head was over her shoulder and their cheeks were touching. She loved being this close to him, and decided she wanted to stay like this forever. Britney Spears’ ‘Break the Ice’ was playing as she placed her hands on top of his and they linked fingers.
“Ooh, looks like we’re alone now,” the lyrics played, but she could only wish they were really alone. She turned her head towards his so their faces were only an inch apart. He stared into her eyes with a passionate look, and she started to close her eyes and touch her lips to his. Despite all of the people around them and the pounding beat of the music, she felt like they were the only 2 people in the room.
okay that's it. can you tell that they're grinding or does the dancing part not make sense? like the part when i wrote his head was over her shoulder and their cheeks were touching does anyone understand what i mean by that? like can you understand it by reading that? thanks.
The only advice I can think of to give you is maybe work around the "be" verbs. "Be" verbs are boring verbs like is, are, were, be, being, been, etc.
Here's an example of where you could change those verbs to action verbs:
Scott’s hands were holding her hips, and she was moving her hips into his. His head was over her shoulder and their cheeks were touching.
Scott's hands held her hips, and she moved her hips into his. His head was over her shoulder and their cheeks touched.
See what I mean? It's just a suggestion but I think it sounds a lot better.
This sentence stood out to me as really good:
He stared into her eyes with a passionate look, and she started to close her eyes and touch her lips to his.
That really makes me feel like I'm in the story when I read that. It's just the right amount of descriptive. Good job!
(Rating: 5) thanks for the help!